balefire88

My first post..my room mate showed me this place once, and i generally just like reading here.

I've been going out with my gf for 1 year and 3 months. About 3 months ago, she tells me that she's 'slightly' crushing on this other guy. They are in the same major, and tend to have a lot of classes together, they're also Teachign assistants for the same class, he lives on her floor (i live 1.5 miles away). He likes her too (i knew he did b4 she told me about her feelings). I didnt take this very well, since i generally believe that you should not think of other ppl like that when in a serious relationship (it was decently serious). However, i can't say for sure that i wouldn't crush on someone (who knows how much control we've got over that?).

Aniwaiz, she said she'd get over it, saying her crushes only last a little while, and i decided to let it go. Just a little while ago, she tells me she's still crushing on him. Worse, he told her he liked her recently, and she replied back that she liked him too, though she wants to stay together w/ me... I said it was kinda like cheating that she told him, and she felt like she was just being honest, and that she thought it would help her move on...would you guys consider it cheating? and its not like he's exactly gonna back off now that he knows she has a crush on him too..

I know she wouldn't cheat explicitly on me, but when i think about the situation (which is prolly every few days or so, since i can't see her this summer, it might be more on my mind during the school year) it bugs me a lot.

I used to be kinda possessive during my first relationship, (current one = 3rd), and i used to worry about all my ex-gf's guy friends, and physical contact they had...but since then, i've grown past that..but this guy makes my blood boil..at times i wanna ask her to stop hanging out with this guy if we mean anithing to her, but i always back off cause it feels too much like the old me which i dont like..plus, i dont know, i worry that it'll just make her wanna hang out with him more..

half the time, i feel like she's being really stupid, and i should just move on, but its summer, and i wanan atleast see her (late aug) b4 i make such a decision, and i do still care for her, and miss her too...(feeling kinda pathetic)..

just wanted to tell someone, couldnt really tell my best friends, felt too ashamed, like somehow i wasn't good enuf for her, so she crushed on some other guy..appreciate any thoughts

maleficent

Crushes are perfectly normal and healthy. I don't think it's cheating at all, it's more fantasy than anything else.

When someone crushes on someone else it's not a slight to the other person. You've got no reason to be ashamed, or feel that you aren't good enough for her.

Possessiveness in a relationship is bad, if you can't trust the person you are with, and trust them to come home to you, then you really need to rethink that relationship.

Sounds like you are conficted about your feelings for her.. Take the summer, stay in touch with her, and see how you feel come august.

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hossified

i wouldn't say she is cheating but it is definitely a warning flag. You gotta watch if they are so close and spend so much time together.....that one night they may be drinking and one thing may lead to another. If she keeps 'crushing' this guy I think you gotta lay the law down. Tough call buddy....and I don't know how I would handle the anger...and mistrust....

anti fishstick

hanging out with someone who is attracted to you can put yourself at a risk for cheating... especially if you're attracted to them as well! you never know if you can trust the guy not to make any moves.. but can you trust your girlfriend? can she trust herself not to make moves, or reciprocate if the other guy makes advances?

crushes in itself isn't cheating.. they are usually pretty harmless. it's when things start to come to action when it gets bad. be weary about this situation. have a talk with her about trust. tell her you have no way of trusting this guy and it makes it hard on you knowing that she hangs out with him and they live so much closer. just be honest. it's ok to feel these things.

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st33lr4t

i would tell her how it makes you feel. it seems to me that you are more serious about the relationship then she is. i really think you need to address the situation with her. find out why she is crushing on this guy...is it the attention?...are you not goiving her something?...or is it just a physical thing?

bookerV

Yeah I agree with st33lr4t. I think you need to get to the underlying reasons behind these feelings. That is a big warning flag to me. I don't trust guys, I am one and I know how they work. But he isn't the one you have to worry about. It's her, what is she going to do? It shouldn't matter what he does, if the relationship is solid she should never put herself in a position to cheat.

I would have a serious talk to her and figure out whats going on. See if there are any underlying problems in the relationship, and try and figure out why this situation has come up. Hopefully you can figure it out and address the issue behind all this. Good luck...

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Lionel Hutz

balefire88

i have tried to ask her about why she crushes on him..she's pretty vague on it...and she says she doesnt know a lot...that it jsut happened..

as for relationship problems, she says she's happy, if something happens that bugs/pisses her off, i can genearlly tell, and i get her to tell me, we have our share of problems, nothing major, just normal stuff, b4 this, i thought our relationship was better than most i'd seen among my friends..

its possible as finals drew closer, she saw less of me, and more of him, as they have classes together, and i'm in a different major, and a year ahead..but i always tried to make time for her, so i'm not sure how much of a factor that was

he does give her attention cause he likes her...but i try and do give her just as much and more..i think she once kidna said that he's just fun and easy to talk to, they think alike, and they work well together...she said she'd even partner with him for the toughest class of her major (soemthing like 20-30 hrs a week working together), but she mentioned this much earlier before this whole mess got started, i dont know if she still plans to....i'm not sure i'd wanan forbid her from that, it is a very tough class, and working together entails about 20-30 hours a week, and in our relationship, we have always said studies and work do come first..

i do trust her not to do anything, but i guess i'm thinking in terms of her making a move, if he made a move on her, like attempt to kiss her, i cant guarantee she'd push him off..i dont think anyone really can...ur partner is always an independant person...u just trust that they wuold firmly say no..

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Redgirl

Crushes are fine to have, but IMO you don't tell the person you're crushing on about it if you don't want something to happen eventually. I'm sorry but it sounds like she is interested in pursuing something with this guy, but also wants to keep you around for back up. Otherwise, you crush in secret, get over it, and move on with them being nothing the wiser.

I'm married and this is how I would do it. Of course, you'll have to decide for yourself if you want to let it go and just see what happens.

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Thought for the day: Men are like fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

st33lr4t

i still think there is another issue here that she either doesnt want to admit or is to scared to face. her being vague seems to me like she is covering her feelings up because she doesnt know herself well enough to know what she wants.

i was in her shoes along time ago. i couldnt let go of the person i was with because of the comfort level...yet i was unhappy and wanted to try something different except i was affraid.

ratbastid

Crushes are normal and healthy. Even in long-term relationships, you're both going to have crushes on others.

You can tell a healthy relationship by the way the couple takes those crushes into the bedroom and turns them into fantasy dirty-talk material.

She was honest with him. Then she was honest with you. Where's the cheating?

Here's what you ought to look at, my friend. What deep-seated insecurity has you cling so possessively to girls like this? Somewhere way way down you don't believe you deserve her, or you're trying to prove something to somebody (a parent maybe?) by keeping her. Most macho "Woman MINE!" chest-thumping has its roots in fears, anxieties, and insecurities. Get to the heart of that, and the "old self" is REALLY a thing of the past.

balefire88

like i said, i said i told her it was 'kinda' like cheating...if i had strongly felt it was cheating, i would probably have broken up with her right then...i just feel like telling him feels like it was wrnog..redgirl and a couple of others seem to agree...what purpose did it serve? and knowing guys in general, its very very possible he'll continue to put hte moves on her, knowing she's got possible interest in him...so, it might not be cheating explicitly, but i dont feel like it was the right thing to do, to tell him...as redgirl said, if i were in a crush, i'd just wait till it buried itself..waht is to be gained by confessing..(if u plan to stay in ur current relationship)

i've also already admitted that i used to be insecure, i felt i've grown, but i'm sure its still there in amounts, and i'm trying not to be...in fact, i'm rather proud of the improvement i've made since hs (take that with how much ever salt u need, after all u dont know me, and only i can judge how much i've improved)...now, if i really wanted to keep her so bad...i wouldn't be seeking advice, i'd just keep her...after all, she has told me that she wants to stay together...and in fact, after reading most of the responses, and thinking things through even farther, i'm now almost sure that we're breakign up...and i'm feeling ok about it, feeling its the right decision for me..

thx for your thoughts tho

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"Today is the beginning of the rest of your life."

bookerV

Do whatever you feel you need to do balefire88. After all it is your life and you need to be happy with it and with your relationships. If you feel that this one isn't going the way you want it to, then find someone else who will give you the things you need out of a relationship. There are plenty of girls out there. It sucks that this relationship looks like it is coming to an end, but an end just means a new beginning for something else...

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"That's why you're the judge and I'm the law-talking guy."

Lionel Hutz