dorkin

I was curious as to how long others were dating before they were engaged/married? How soon is too soon to ask a girl for her hand in marrage?

I've been dating my girlfriend for 6 months now. Every feels so right for a long term relationship but some how the thought of just 6 months sares me. It's been an up and down battle for a while so we both very connected to each other.

Aladdin Sane

How old are the two of you? Have you ever had a long-term relationship before? Has she?

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Manic_Skafe

As my mother told me, "everything doesn't have to be right - when it feels right just go for it". I'm about to be 19 - I've been with my woman for a year and a half and I already feel like poping the question.

There is no right time - when it feels right just go for it. Doing otherwise could result in a lifetime of guilt.

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exizldelfuego

The way I see it, if you think you can marry her and spend the REST OF YOUR LIFE with her, then what's a few years of being a couple? If you want to take your relationship to the next level, find a *new* place to move in together.

Flyguy

5 months baby!!!

Our 8 year anniversary and my 28th birthday is 4 weeks from today.

crow_daw

Well, I'm eighteen, she's seventeen.

Been together six months.

And already everyone in her family literally thinks we're getting married. We're not, I haven't proposed at all. It kinda freaks me out, but hey, I go with it.

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tokaok

DO NOT MOVE IN TOGETHER!!!
sry last thing you want to do is move in together to test things out.

the whole premise of moving in to test the waters is inherently flawed.

SiN

Interesting...perhaps you could elaborate on that a bit?

For something that's done so commonly nowadays, and that I think 'makes sense' to (i would think) quite a number of people...

What are your objections?

This makes me a bit nervous. up and down as in dramatic and/or dysfunctional, or....somethings else?

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raeanna74

Precisely. No "Right" time. I wouldn't suggest it after 1 or 2 months of course but it all depends on the person. 6 months is logn enough. The statistics say that those couples who have been dating at least 6-12 months succeed better than those who only date less than 6 months. I don't remember where I heard it but my mother told it to me many times when I was a teenager. Ended up because of school, student teaching, hubby moving, and other interruptions that he and I were dating for 1 1/2 years before we got engaged and then we were engaged for 9 months before we got married.

Obviously, Don't get moved in together until you're both 18 at least.

The only thing that makes me wonder is that you both are quite young. It's common for couples who get together when they're young to wonder if there was something else out there for them and they just got married to quick to find it out. Make sure neither one of you have unfulfilled dreams that will be ended by the marriage.

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ratbastid

lurkette and I were dating before the end of Freshman Orientation week. We got engaged the summer before our Senior year, and got married the next summer (having just been voted Most Nauseating Couple).

xepherys

I have to say I'm a bit shocked at some of the replies here, but I'll throw in my bit...

There is no pre-selected "right" time. It's just right when it's right. My wife and I were together for 9 months before we got married. I can honestly say that I've never made a better decision. I was with my ex for four years and was never able to propose. Nothing against her, it just wasn't quite right.

If you think it's a good idea to live together first, then do so. There is NOTHING wrong with it. If either of you are unsure of that for moral or other reasons, then don't... there's nothing wrong with that either!

Do what feels right to you and her, not what your friends think (unless they ALL think something is wrong, then maybe listen a little), or hers, not what family thinks... in the end, it's about the two of you and nobody else!

World's King

THE queastion?


"Can I put it in your butt?"

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xepherys

LOL!!!

supafly

Me and my girl are together for almost 6 jears now. Were both 22 and we both still live with our parents. We'll probably get engaged as soon as we get a house and get married after we have money enough to throw a party.

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tokaok

the reason why moving in to test out whether to get married is such a bad idea is that the whole premise goes against what a big portion of marriage is about.

moving in together is about "well is something starts bothering in a few years i can always opt out" where as in marriage "if something starts bothering me in a few years , atleast i have some one i fully trust to work this out no matter how hard it may be."

to be serious, live in is jsut for sex and economical convenience , dont dissolusion yourself thinking its about love.

here a quick LINK
i found, there are many many more studies on the effects of live in couples.

over all taking two couples who are both having a long term relation ship, the couple not living in together is a) mor likely to get married b) have a more stable relationship c) less likely to get a divorce

xepherys

Interetesting, but you can make a study (just like statistics) say more or less whatever you want them to. I can prove a great many things to either side if i try.

Sex? Why do you have to live together to have sex? You can live apart and still have sex every day. *shrug*

Economic convenience is a good part. I know what you're saying, and I don't completely disagree... but everybody is different *shrug*

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skysooner

For us, we were unofficially talking marriage after 6 weeks. We got officially engaged after 5 months and married a year after we met (together 13 years now).

StickODynomite

As insane as i might sound to some people--- after 4 months of dating my now fiance, i knew that i wanted to be with him for the rest of my life (he felt the same at that time). Nothing has changed since then and now. The feelings are still the same

We've been engaged for 7 months or so and been together for a yr and a half

Some people say the same thing I'm saying a few months into the relationship w/ their SO, but then it just falls apart. It just really depends. It may be true love or it may be lust..

True love.. It's amazing

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Manic_Skafe

I'm gonna have to disagree - love is far too personal a circumstance to compare how you feel with crunched numbers. Sure the statistics read the way they do but there's no 2 relationships exactly the same.

Love's too deep to fully understand with your head - unless your brain is screaming no, feel the situation out with your heart and let things sort itself out.

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tokaok

hmm well i consider love and relationships two seperate thing, you might love some one but if the two of you cant work it out your just in for more misery.

personnally i do believe human behaviour can be observed and analyzed and put into statistical form, this is not to scare people into not trying things, but perhaps help them considered other alternatives that have shown more promise.

Fallon

This seems to me to be a flawed argument. Because you're saying that the person who is not married doesn't already act like they are married. All marriage is now in my opinion is a piece of paper saying what I already know about my S.O. It also gives us more economic benifits. We currently live together when we go to school for what our parents believe to be a purely economic reason but we know it's otherwise. We are getting used to each other so that we know we are compatiable. While living with her, we barely have sex, so I know that's not why we moved in together. We have fun living together though because for the most part, we enjoy living together.

As to the origional question, I asked when the timing felt right. We had been going out for I believe a year. I offically asked last summer which made it two years and unoffically asked her after a year.

la petite moi

Hey! I'm your age (18) and I've been dating my boyfriend for almost 14 months now.

We were talking about spending our lives together at four months, but we haven't acted on it because we are too young to completely support ourselves in an adult manner. Marriage is for adult, I believe, because it means you are going to live together and pay for your expenses together as a married couple.

I think you should wait awhile, even if you do feel it's perfect right now. At six months, everything in my relationship was wonderful too. Now, things are different and harder, but we still love each other. We're hoping to marry in our early 20's.

ShaniFaye

My SO and I met in September of 2003, He woke up the morning after our first date and called to tell me that waking up alone without me was something he never wanted to do again... he moved in with me in October...we were talking about marriage by christmas and officially got engaged mothers day weekend. We plan to hopefully be married by September of 2005 in a Scottish replica castle in NC (hence waiting on the wedding date)

I should add we are both in our 30's and have had a substantial relationship in our past

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nowthen

i knew i would marry my wife the moment i first saw her. the timing of the actual question really wasnt that significant after that little revelation struck me!

3 years together now, 2 married, going strong and getting better every single day.

i would say that you both are very young, and maybe you should experience life a little more before making such a decision.

EDIT - edited because i lost my mind about half way through the post and started talking about something else entirely. on revision, it made no sense. whoops.

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SparklingDot

I would say that a year together before getting engaged makes sense to me. Then again, I'm young and have seen plenty of relationships fall apart around me, so a year seems safe. My SO and I have been together almost 4 years now, and we were friends for a year before that... We're not engaged yet because we're both poor college students. But we've been planning on getting married for a good two years now. Whatever feels right, so long as you're willlng to work when things get rough.

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bluesunrise

Please, please live together first. If nothing else, it's a great way to learn more about one another. Being in love, and being best friends, really isn't enough to make a marriage work. Since you are making a lifelong commitment, you should take a test drive first.

For the first 6-8 months my wife and I were dating, we pretty much slept in the same bed anyway (her place or mine). Paying only one rent just made sense. We lived "officially" together for another six months before we were married. We've been very happily married now for 11 years, and when our kids are old enough to be thinking about it, you can bet we are going to recommend a test drive first.

Kalnaur

mine was three month from the first date until I gave her a promise ring, then about two and a half years until I gave her an engagement ring. We're getting married in Spetember of this year. She is my angel.

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qtpye4u84

3 years and 3 months together. We use to talk about it all the time. We got in a stupid argument about some thing really lame like him not wanting to try a mint I was going to give him.
He said some thing like "You get mad all the time, I know you are always going to be like that, do you still want to be with me even though, I dont want to marry you now"?

We would never really fight until we moved in together. I am sure we might get married once we have enough money.

tokaok: That was a very helpful link.(I have a anger problem)

I think ppl should wait at least a year before they tie the knott, and make sure they both know what the other wants as in kids or not, animals or not.

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Silex

Me and my wife lived together for almost 2 years before we decided to get married. We wanted to make sure we wouldn't kill each other. We've been married for....well...it will be 6 years july 25th. So far....so good.

Bossnass

Dated for 3 years, lived together for 2, then I popped the question. Currently working on a 2 year plan to organize and afford to get weddinged as well.


I once found myself taking a couple university stats courses. A popular and much referred to case study (I would look for a link if I wasn't in dialup wasteland) was presented in class.

Two groups, one group 'liberal' and one group marriage advocates were given the results of a poll. The questions weren't biased, were extensive, etc, had an ample number of replies; the interpreting groups were shown the questionnaire and shown the results.

'Don't live together before getting married group" had the overall conclusion that "couples who live together before they are married are more likely to separate and divorce"

‘Sure, live together before getting married group’ had the overall conclusion that "couple who don't live together before the are married are more likely to stay in unhappy and/or abusive marriages."

denton

Knew my wife for 6 years before but were only a couple for about 2 years, (living together for 1)
We are perfect for eachother, just had 8 yr anniversary.

I know you don't like hearing it but you are so young so take your time. I had a gf when I was 17 that I wanted to marry. When I think of how bad it would have ended up it scares me. We were completely wrong for eachother and it still lasted almost a year. I thank my lucky stars I didn't get that skank pregnant.

Anyway...
one more vote for living together first. If you don't live together you are always on a "date" when you see eachother (even if you don't call it a date, you act different when not at home). You can't know a person without living with them 1st. Hell, I even got along with my parents better after I didn't live with them.

bookerV

I am definitely another vote for live together first. I have been in 2 serious relationships that involved living together. The first went almost 4 years (living together for 2), the second went almost 2 years (living together for 1).

Thank god for living together first. Without that I may have done something very very wrong. You really get a better sense of what your married life would be like when you live with someone. Things change, you see all of a person. You share the same space and you share responsibilities. I think it is an essential step before marrying someone. My basic progression will always be dating -> serious relationship -> living together -> marriage. I don't have a set time frame on how long each of those steps will last, but I definitely have to take each of those steps.

If you really feel that strongly about her, then try living with her for at least 6 months and see how things are going before deciding if you want to make a life long commitment with her.

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Redgirl

Man, I've typed this a lot it seems so those of you who know just keep on ascrolling!

We met at 14, dated seriously by 16, knew we would marry each other after dating 3mo's or so. 9 years later we got married and we've been married 3 yrs now.

To me it's strange that people are surprised by marriage proposals. I think it's something you should both discuss and venture into together. Neither of us "popped the question" and I can't even remember who brought it up first. I think we both just knew it would happen.

I guess it's tradition though and if you feel very strongly about getting married you should go ahead and ask her. At least it will open up the dialogue and you guys can take your time about the actual ceremony part. Be engaged for a while and all that.

Oh, and I am a big advocate of living together as well. We lived together for 2 years, bought a house and cars together, got our dogs together... THEN we got married. By then, we felt it was a formality, but one I wanted nonetheless.

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Valthonis

My fianceé and I met in late 1999, started dating in 2/2000, and I finally popped the question in July of 2002. I got the answer back in February of 2003, and she moved in with me in October of 2003. In September of 04, we're finally getting married.

Of course, I knew within the first couple months that she was the one I wanted to marry, but we've I waited to make sure. I'm glad I did. We have a strong foundation of love and friendship over the four years we've been together. I think that the extended courtship was a good thing 'cause it was like a big "are you sure?" valve on the whole thing...

So yeah. I'll be married in a month. Wish me luck. And luck to you too, dorkus!

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Kurant

I met my wife at a YABA bowling tournament in 1994 in Fairbanks, Alaska. Oddly enough.

I was with her from 1996 until 2001 when we got married, and the wierdest thing, she asked me...

Yes, wierd, but the most wonderful thing in my entire life are my wife and 2 kids.

ibis

This is good advice.

I think the time you should wait depends on your age. At 30, you are equipped with more life experience to make such a HUGE decision, than you are at 18.

I'm 21 - My first serious relationship lasted about 2 years.We were sure we'd marry... untill I realized something deep inside was afraid to. I thought of all the thing I wanted to do in life and wasn't willing to sacrafice that.

Now that I can look back and the sitution with perfect hindsight, I think I made the right decision. It still hurts, but sometime the right path hurts the most.

Give it some time. You're 18 and have an entire lifetime ahead of you. Your life will undergo so much change in the next 5 years, you will likley be an entirely diffferent person. If you and your girlfriend change together in a way that draws you closer, not apart, then marry her.

Are eithe of you going to school after highschool?

Good luck, man.

Rubyee

I would never marry someone I didn't live with, unless I was sure to have known them well enough, and by that I mean known them my entire life. There are too many things that you don't learn about a person until you live with them. For example, you don't know how often they feel like cleaning, what it is like to share a bathroom with them in the morning, what they will be like to actually move with, if they will do things you ask them to do right away or three days later. These are things that if not compatible can break down the strongest of relationships, not to mention several others.

Do you really want to marry someone, only to find out the day afterwords that he/she is completely lazy and never does anything? Of course not.

As for when to propose- do it whenever you want to. There is no rule that says that a weddding has to follow a proposal by so many months, and I think it is a good way to see another side of your woman before taking the big plunge.

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Jaca

Hah! The answer to which signifies the correct timing of the other "THE question."

Seriously though - there's really no need to rush something that should, for all intents and purposes, last the rest of your life.

Don't let family pressure you into something you may not be ready to do.

robodog

Holly crud. That almost exactly describes the misses and me. Of course we just celebrated our 4th anniversary this weekend not 13 years =)

william

DO NOT ASK HER NOW! You both are too young. You THINK you are ready, but you're not. There's still a LOT that both of you want to know about, and you're probably too embarassed to admit.
If you really want to test your love for each other, separate for a few months, then meet again. Then be honest and ask yourselves - did you ONLY think of the other, or others you saw?