greeneyes

So I've been seeing this great guy for about a year and a half now and for the most part, things have been wonderful. He is absolutely a top-shelf guy whom I love very much and I know cares for me a great deal. Recently, he's been very unsure of what he wants to do in life and where he wants to go, the typical worries of anyone about to graduate college. A few weeks back, he came over and out of the blue said that he wasn't sure he wants me to move away with him after he graduates in December, even though we have basically been planning that for months. He also made several comments that he wants to be single and so on and so forth. While he said later that he didn't mean that, he truly wants to be with me and not be single, I know that this couldn't have come from nowhere... there has to be some truth to these statements. He says he doesn't know what he wants come December, we'll just have to wait and see; but I'm no longer sure I can do that. Can I invest myself in this relationship for the next six months on the chance that he'll want to be with me then? Should I take that risk?

We are both young, he twenty-two and I twenty, and while I'm not asking for the poor boy to settle down and marry me, I am asking him to try and factor me into his life in a "real" way. Is this too much to ask?

wilbjammin

You need to talk to him. Obviously, he's having trouble imagining his entire life in front of him. It sounds like he needs to spend some time figuring out what he really wants out of life. Don't push him too hard if you really like him. Try to help him figure out for himself what really is best for him.

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Innominate.

TM875

The sooner you realize this, the better:

EVERY guy, to some extent, wants to be single.

There, I said it. The seacret's out. Now, you have to look at the actual feelings behind this.

You're both leaving college. You don't really know where you are going in life yet. As college students, you're poor and can barely sustain yourself, let alone a family (line from the musical Avenue Q: "I can't pay the bills yet / Because I have no skills yet"). Anyway, he obviously wants to send his life in the right direction. You do too. There is doubt here on whether or not that direction includes each other.

He's graduating. Are you? If you are, then I think the best decision is to talk to him, discuss what you both really want (don't make this a son-we-need-to-talk discussion, just a throwing around of ideas). I think that, if you are both setting out in life, you should stay together, try to work it out, but still FIND YOUR OWN PATH. Don't rely on him. Become yourself, become successful, and follow your heart.

Of course, if you're still in college - stay in school. Don't move in with him until you graduate.

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"I've made only one mistake in my life. But I made it over and over and over. That was saying 'yes' when I meant 'no'. Forgive me."

PayUp

Best advice you will ever hear.


Take it slow until You figure things out.

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Born to Lose.

lurkette

I'm gonna bust out of my usual "plan plan plan, and if all else fails, plan" habit and suggest that you do what makes you happy NOW. You ask if you should continue to invest in this relationship when you don't know if it'll be there in 6 months. Well, who EVER knows what's going to happen in 6 months? One of you could die, or find someone else, or...um...get kidnapped by aliens! The point is, if you're staying in a relationship just because you think it's going to be around forever, that's a pretty bad reason to be there. If you truly love him and enjoy being with him now, stay with him. Why give up 6 months of happy just because some day that happiness might not be there? If security is more important to you than present happiness, and he honestly can't provide that security, then do both of you a favor and find someone who wants what you want. As for moving with him when he leaves (if he decides that's what he wants), don't do it because it's what will keep you together, do it because it's what you want.

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"If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing."

- Anatole France

timalkin

I recently went through this same situation, except I'm a guy and the roles were revered. We pondered these same questions as far out as 2 years before I graduated (because I'd definitely be leaving, no doubt, 100% positive). The then girlfriend proceeded to break up with me about 3 times in those two years, over the same shit, even though we just decided to wait and see what happens.

Fast forward to graduation, and she dumps me the week after. It hurt like hell, and even though I absolutely loved every second of being with her during those last two years, I wish I could have put myself out there more and met other people. I shouldn't have wasted my time with somebody who wasn't as committed to me as I was to them, but 20/20 hindsight and all that shit. I seriously would have given up everything for her and lived in a cardboard box under an overpass, as long as I could have been with her. She obviously didn't feel that way, so here I am.

I say don't waste your time with this guy. You never know when you'll find the person that you want to spend the rest of your life with, and they feel the same thing about you.

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Trinity: "What do you need?"

Neo: "Guns. Lots of guns."

-The Matrix

dirtyrascal7

my objective analysis of the situation:

i wouldn't worry too much about all the graduate worries... it's pretty common for people to not know where they're headed at this stage in their life. just try to give him support and be there for him when he's feeling confused or overwhelmed.

as for the "wanting to be single" comments, i'd say this ties in with all his other doubts. he probably feels so directionless that he's freaking out and thinking that he'll miss out on something... but it would be foolish to just up and leave you if things have been going so well because then he really will miss out on something.

these are questions that no one can answer but yourself. if things are still going well, then why end it... because there's a chance things won't work out 6 months down the road? like lurkette said, no one ever knows what will happen in 6 months, and worrying about it could jeopardize things in the present and push him away so that he really won't want you to go with him in december.

but if you really do want that security and need to plan that far in the future, then maybe you and he just want too different of things. it sounds like he isn't going to have a very stable or balanced life for at least 6 months, probably longer, and if you can't handle that then you need to figure out what's more important to you and commit to that choice.

no, that isn't too much to ask... but like i said earlier, it sounds like his life isn't too stable at this point and maybe he isn't really factoring anything into his life in a "real" way. granted, he's obviously going to have to shape up and mature fairly soon or else, and if he doesn't then you don't wanna be with a guy like that anyway. you deserve better.

overall, i think that there are some definate issues that need to be worked out... both parties need to figure out what they want with each other and with the other aspects in their lives... but i think that it would be foolish for either you or him to break up with each other based on these problems at this point. just enjoy each other's love and companionship and help support each other through the next 6 months. hopefully you both will have found some answers and can make some plans that make everyone happy. good luck.

--the "top-shelf guy"

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"Tie yourself to your limitless potential, rather than your limiting past."

"Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that, I learn of him."

ibis

He may want to break up but not know how or have the balls to do it.

Tell him that if this is the way he feels, you should seperate. At this point he can either say yes or no.

Either way, atleast you know.

I know its hard, I've been there too (I was the unsure one).

greeneyes

Based on his post above yours, I'm pretty sure he doesn't want to break up.

Alyssa

I too am going through the 'what am I going to do with my life' thing that he is going through. I too am in a relationship. I have a lot of stuff on my mind, I don't know where I'm going or what's going to happen to me in the near future. It's a storm of questions and a feeling of being sort of lost and out of touch with yourself.

He probably feels that his life is a little chaotic knowing there is going to be a lot of changes ahead. When he mentioned that he thought he needed to move away without you, that might be an indicator of that need for change.

I would have a serious sit-down talk with him. Let him know your feelings about how you feel. Tell him, he has made you feel uneasy about putting everything into a relationship that might not make it past December. That isn't right for him to keep you around when he might be thinking ahead that he doesn't want to be with you. He wants his cake and ice-cream too, and you might not be getting your fair-share.

Seriously...don't just sit back and do nothing until December...talk to him NOW.

Key

the thing is, it's obvious he doesn't know what he wants. he's afraid, unsure, and simply confused. and justifiably so. i wouldn't put an ultamatim out there "WHERE ARE WE GOING IN 6 MONTHS?!" he likely, honestly does not know. bring it up from time to time to make sure he's still trying to figure it out, but it's useless trying to pry an answer from him he doesn't have.

i'd stick around, but don't think of it as an investment. an investment implies loss- you put 6 months in and get nothing back. enjoy the 6 months. realize it's another 6 months of happiness, of pool nights and staring at the stars and holidays and snowboarding trips and whatever else. enjoy it while you have the time. just don't commit fully since he's obviously not ready to. keep your mind open, and don't throw yourself in thinking it will last forever. if it DOES, great! if it doesn't, just don't be caught unprepared. nothing really prepares you, but it stings a hell of a lot less if you acknowledge beforehand that it's a possibility.

when me and my ex split i had NO IDEA it was coming. everything was BEAUTIFUL. everytime i shyed away from committment she seemed offended, and so i assumed she was more committed than i was. and so i jumped in. i gave her everything, and i assumed it would last forever. had i known there was a remote possibility of it ending i think it would have hurt a lot less.

but regardless, would i have traded the last six months in? hell no. these memories are mine, and mine forever. regardless of what happened at the end, it was fucking amazing while it there. i have no regrets.

ever seen eternal sunshine of the spotless mind? kind of like that.