lady

I'm not sure if this will make sense but here goes...

The bf and I have a difference of opinion that is causing tension and junk. He feels foreplay does nothing for him and wants me to let him have 1 time out of 10 where he doesn't have to bother with it.

I find this insulting because it suggests that he's merely 'putting in time' until I give him the go ahead to have intercourse. If I'm not turned on enough, I don't feel like having sex. period. It's not a matter of me being selfish and wanting extra attention, I simply am not turned on enough to have sex without enough stimulation beforehand.

He doesn't believe that women take longer to 'be ready' for sex (in general) compared to men.

He gets turned off if I tell him to slow down. I get turned off if I feel he's rushing me or "putting in time". It's really frustrating because we love each other and when sex is good, it's fricking amazing, but when it's not, it's just frustrating.

Help...

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wonderwench

Oh dear. I don't really know how to give you advice on this one that you will want to hear.

So here goes. You and your boyfriend have a disconnect that sounds potentially rather serious to me. How well one respect's one's partners preferences is an indicator of compatibility in other things. Your boyfriend is not hearing what you have to say about what makes sex enjoyable for you - and what makes it a turn on for him is not arousing for you in return.

A wise woman once told me that the secret to a good relationship is Communication And Lubrication. Perhaps a bit more of both will enable him to enjoy foreplay and for you to get heated more quickly. I wish I had something more to concrete to offer. Good luck, I hope things work out for you.

ratbastid

I was that way once. Then I grew up...

I don't generally recommend withholding sex to make a point, but it could be that's the natural order of things in this case. He'll come around. Or, he will if he wants to get laid.

ShaniFaye

Let me make sure I understand this...You have a man that see's no point in turning you on so that you can enjoy the sex as much as he does? Does this include oral sex? IMO I do not see how a healthy sexual relationship can happen when one partner doesnt see the significance of what their partner wants.

He wants sex where he doesnt have to "bother" with making sure you enjoy it?

Again, IMO, thats a really sad thing to hear. I cannot imagine "loving" someone that saw the joys of helping his lady enjoy the sexual encounter as a chore.

edit....I read your post to my guy and putting what he said into nice words...."that dude just isnt right"

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SinisterMotives

This is a tough one. How much foreplay are we talking about here? A few minutes? An hour? More? Maybe he's frustrated about having the main course indefinitely postponed until you are ready. I'm not saying that wouldn't be selfish of him, but by the same token I'm wondering what you do to keep him interested while he's helping you get in the mood.

DelayedReaction

Tell him what you told us; if you're not turned on enough then sex doesn't work.

Does he like blowjobs? That might be a nice compromise. I personally LOVE foreplay and have a grand ole' time just eating out my partner, but I can see where he's coming from.

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analog

I've already covered this, so i'll just repeat for the sake of this thread...

He's an idiot, and he's immature. He doesn't understand and thinks he already has it figured out, so he's not going to try any time soon without something concrete to push him, like withholding sex.

Or just dumping his ass entirely.

-analog.

Rlyss

I think this could have something to do with it. When I'm giving oral sex to my partner I often lose my erection. It's sexy, of course, and I love doing it, but I'm concentrating so much on giving her pleasure that I lose my hard-on.

Perhaps (and this is just a thought and might not be true, we can't tell either way from your post) he's getting frustrated and is losing his 'mood' while he's trying to turn you on. This doesn't mean he's an immature asshole. If you aren't turned on then you can't have sex, and it's the same for him. If he's spending so much effort turning you on and he loses the mood for himself then it's the same problem, just reversed.

That all said, if he's still hard by the time you're turned on enough then I'd say that my theory isn't the case, and he may just be an impatient asshole.

majik_6

I think Dorito2 makes a good point in saying that really it's the same situation either way: in order to accomodate the other partner, one has to do something that does NOT turn them on.

I know that with one of my ex's things were that way. She wanted things hurried, I needed time to get warmed up (although sometimes we seemed to switch roles...but we never wanted the same thing at the same time). It had nothing to do with either of us being immature, impatient, or selfish...we simply had different needs and desires. We made compromises, and had a lot of discussions and things worked out.

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analog

Um...

Had to do with this situation specifically, which has a certain history i'm directly aware of, and is not an opinion on things in general.

-analog.

slimshaydee

did you think of his feelings on this aswell? Some guys just aren't into the whole foreplay thing. Maybe one time out of 10 focus on his needs like he wants.

440sixpack

I don't get the whole "I don't like foreplay" thing, for me that's half the fun. Ah well, guess everybody's different.

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Rush

Couldn't agree more. The sooner you start, the sooner you finish.

Where's the fun in that?!

I've been with women (sometimes while drunk mind you) and the foreplay has gone on so long that it's all that gets done No complaints for that either.

This mind is from someone that casual sex does nothing for. There's gotta be more to it and without foreplay there just isn't.

ninety09

If that's not immature, then I don't know what is

Just wondering, how old is that guy?? Anyway, if you already tried talking to him and he still doesn't get it.. I don't see how you could make him understand :\

doncalypso

Don't get me wrong.... I think foreplay is a very important and necessary part of a healthy sexual relationship (especially so that the woman can cum). However, I think sometimes some women put too much emphasis on foreplay and want it to last for hours like in those cheezy Harlequin novels they read.

Honestly, I think women should spend more time masturbating to discover what feels good to them so that way they can show a guy how to please them sexually (both for foreplay and intercourse).

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NeoSparky

I think forplay is almost as fun as sex is.. so if there's time for it to last for hours, then so be it.

In my opinion there's nothing more of a turn on for me than making a girl cum multiple times.. And in my expierence if you pleasure the girl before you get off, then it makes it all the better.

FallenAvatar

Cut him off till he starts to realize what this means to you.

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SinisterMotives

I feel the same way. I could eat pussy (pardon my blunt language) for hours as long as I have a big jug of Gatorade beside the bed for when my mouth gets dry and pasty. However, if she's willing to suck, lick, and nibble my unit at the same time, that's even better. It's not a problem if I cum before we get to the actual intercourse because I'm still good for at least a couple more orgasms. In fact, getting foreplay as well as giving it often spurs me on to satisfy my partner in ways I probably wouldn't if I felt I was working at it solely for her benefit.

What it all boils down to is your attitude about relationships. I believe sex exists for mutual pleasure, and that relationships in general should meet the needs of both partners wherever possible. In that light, I don't think it at all selfish to expect to get mine while she's getting hers.

World's King

That sucks.

Why would anyone not want to have foreplay. I could settle for fooling around and never having intercourse again.

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absorbentishe

Yes, I second this. I love giving to my wife, but she doesn't feel the same for me. I mind, but I love what it does for her, so I give her more until she begs for sex.

Cervantes

It seems you just aren't sexually compatible. You who want to enjoy sex as much as your partner and he who couldn't care less if you did.

Witholding sex is a bad move aswell, it's a good way of losing a loved one just because of a difference of opinion.
If you can't sit down and have a rational discussion about this and make him see what is wrong with his attitude twoards it then I say dump him, If that doesn't make him reconsider then nothing is.

If he reconsiders then he'll probarbly come crawling back. If he doesn't, there is still plenty of fish in the sea for you.

Why should you be stuck with a guy who doesn't feel it is necessary that you enjoy sex aswell, when there are so many other guys out there who wish nothing more than to please you in whatever way possible.

It sound's to me that he is very immature, if he doesn't even understand that there is a difference in how men and women are wired then you'd be better off without him. If you let this continiue then it has 'destructive relationship' written all over it.

I might sound a bit harsh on this but I am a cynic when it comes to relationships so please take my words with a grain of salt.

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bermuDa

sounds like HE should be here asking for advice

or you could wait for him to "grow up" as ratbastid said

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strcrssd

Unfortunately this does sound like a maturity thing....

The general pattern for messing around that I'm trying to get into is thus:

Get my girl to orgasm (usually through mouth and hands)
Have her get me to orgasm.
Get her to orgasm, or very close (I prefer very close...tease her until she begs)
Have sex.

We get to play, she gets to come, and I last a good bit of time inside of her. It seems to work well.

It is possible he just loses his erection while eating you or messing with you, this happens to me sometimes, but is generally pretty easily corrected. You may want to talk to him about it and let him know that it is ok and normal for this to happen. It somewhat concerned me when it first occured.

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kel

Why don't you stop being insulted and think of him?

1 time out of 10 wouldn't kill you. And yeah, so what if he is putting in his time. Be grateful! All men do. It's part of being in a relationship.

It's amazing the what a guy has to go through to be "amazing" in bed... Why do all women suddenly assume they have done something to deserve it? What did you do to earn extensive foreplay before every sexual encounter?

Lie back and enjoy a full sexual servicing without even breaking a sweat! That pretty much describes sex these days.

And we know it's always about whether your into it or not. How many times is a guy expected to perform whether he's sick , injured, sore, or just plain tired.

Could he complain about anything sexually, that you enjoy, that wouldn't make you come here and saying the same thing?

I thank the good lord for my girlfriend's sex drive.

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ShaniFaye

I can tell you right now that if my fiance had that attitude he'd be out the door....GRATEFUL? ahahahaha The day Im grateful for a guy having sex with me is the day I choose to become celibate because it will mean I have lowered my standards to a point of no return.

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I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!

ibis

1. You've told him you don't enjoy sex without foreplay.
2. Regardless, he still wants (some) sex without foreplay.

Equals: He doesn't care if you enjoy it, he just wants to get off.

Sounds like an asshole to me.

Tell him to use his hand.

kel

This is exactly what I'm talking about. You act like you have to own em heart and soul. He has to like it because you say he does. Face reality. The things you want people to do for you are not always pleasant. If you get greedy your going to make people not want to give to you.

What guy is going to pour time and energy into someone who doesn't appreciate it and give back? Does every women believe their vagina is something magical guys can't live without?


I had some stuff edited out because I forgot how to be nice.

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SinisterMotives

Nice attitude. We should be grateful when someone does anything for us that they really don't want to do.

Many women seem to have this attitude that guys must constantly kiss their asses in exchange for the "privilege" of being with them. No thanks, ladies. I value my dignity more than I value your conditional acceptance.

ShaniFaye

Ummmm what? You are seriously trying to tell me that I should be grateful my man wants to have sex with me? Am I hearing you correctly? I never said he has to like it...where did you get that out of what I said? My guy can either have sex with me because he WANTS to or he can not have sex with me. Where do you get Im MAKING him do anything, out of what I said?

Any guy that is so immature he doesnt want to enjoy all there is to enjoy about the wondeful world of sex and only sees it as "gratification" is not a guy for me. I dont think that has anything at all to do with facing reality...its more of finding the partner that fulfills you and enjoys it WITH you, rather than making you feel you're nothing but a piece of meat to spread your legs just because he's got a hard on.

Gosh I am SO glad I have a guy that understands what sex in a relationship is about.

If I was a prostitute maybe THEN I'd be grateful that he was fucking me because he's putting money in my pocket. But being grateful just because the love of my life sticks his dick in me is NOT an option.

What is with you guys saying "doing something he doesnt really want to"?

If you dont wanna have sex with the girl you're with...then why are you with her?

__________________
I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!

SinisterMotives

ShaniFaye, I think you're missing the point. What we're saying is, you should appreciate it when someone is willing to go above and beyond the call of duty to help ensure your satisfaction, rather than take them for granted. Do you really think they would put in the time doing something they don't enjoy on your behalf if they only thought of you as a piece of meat?

wonderwench

FWIW, lady says that 90% of the time, her BF is willing to have sex the way she like it. He has asked her to have it his way 10% of the time. It takes two to make a relationship work. It wouldn't hurt her to look at what she is doing and how it affects him.

ShaniFaye

Ok...maybe I didnt state what I meant in my post well enuff and it caused your reaction....let me try again

My fiance and I enjoy a very active sex life, there is nothing that we dont enjoy doing to and for each other...if one of us is tired it is not unheard of for the other to just take care of that person....IE blowjobs for him if he's dog tired from work and would just like that intimate time to not be as ummm whats the word...time consuming as it might other wise be...and vise versa for me. I meant that sex is a give and take, that in my opinion it is not some guy telling me in effect "to hurry up and get in the mood so they can get it over with" which is what I took the attitude of the guy the original post was about.

In my mind there is a difference, whether its right or wrong, in appreciation and gratefulness.

I hope that clears up what I said originally and I apologize for any misunderstandings.

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I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!

SinisterMotives

My apologies if I misread your intention. What you describe here sounds like an ideal relationship to me.

This sounds like a semantical misunderstanding more than anything else. I'd probably use the two words interchangeably ninety percent of the time. For example, I don't see gratitude as self-deprecatory.

ShaniFaye

oh good Im glad we got that straight!! and yes you're probably right on the semantics statement....because in the example you used previously I DID see the use of the word grateful as self-depreciating...but only because you used the phrase "someone does anything for us that they really don't want to do"...I think thats where I got off track with what you said

Im glad we got that cleared up!!!

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I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!

kel

I'm glad we got that straightened out :-)

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ShaniFaye

The apology was meant for you to kel (didnt want you to think I was leaving you out)

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I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!

kel

No apology necessary, all in the name of animated discussion.

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lady

I am looking at the situation from his perspective but I will not have sex before my body and mind are ready to.

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Our doubts are traitors,
And make us lose the good we oft might win
By fearing to attempt.

Peetster

Say what now? Your statements are diometrically oppossed to your sig.

ARTelevision

Chiming in here on the side that women in our intimate relationships should be approached in the way they need and desire to be. For a man to dismiss such a thing as foreplay is simply crude.

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