Menofhonor

I am not sure if this is the best place to come for advice but I figure I will give it a shot.

I have been married for over 2 years now and things havn't been going so well lately. My wife and I had a huge fight a few weeks back and she said some really hurtful things. Not the name calling things but shit that really hurts like she isn't sure if she has ever loved me and maybe we are just better friends. I just found out during that fight that she had slept with someone while we were dating but before we were engaged. Now she has this close guy friend that has really been making me jealous but my wife doesn't seem to care. They are in the same graduate program together. The things that she has done to make me jealous are she parties with her girl friends and him and another guy or two at least once a week and I am not invited. They went on a research conference together and one night stayed in the same hotel room with just the two of them for cost reasons. They ate at a fancy resteraunt together with just the two of them during this conference. They sometimes hang out at his place to watch movies with just the two of them.

Another thing is that she really hasn't felt the passion for me for probably over 3 or 4 years now. I hadn't noticed how bad it was until I started to look back. By passion I mean she is very rarely in the mood to have sex and rarely ever wants to kiss me more than a peck. When we do have sex I dont always feel like she is into it.

First of all am I being too paranoid about her and this guy and if I am not what should I do about it.

Secondly should I stay in this marriage if I still really love her alot and I know I mean alot to her in spite of the fact that she really doesn't have passion for me. By the way we have been together for 5 years and we are in our low to mid 20s

SecretMethod70

Well, to answer the first question - are you being paranoid? In my opinion, no. Frankly, and sorry to say this, I think it sounds like she's either already cheating or will be cheating.

To be perfectly honest, in my opinion based on what you said, you probably got married to early in the first place. Statistically speaking, odds for divorce in marriages before, I think, around 24 are much greater than for after. Interpret that however you will.

Should you stay together? It's hard to say at this point. For one, I firmly believe that a decision like that should not be made without first at least going through marriage counseling - which I would HIGHLY recommend you do.

You need to open the channels of communication again, lay all the cards on the table, and figure out what you two will do AFTER a more clear understanding of each other's feelings is reached. Marriage counseling should do a lot to accomplish this.

Are there children involved in this marriage?

Oh yeah, by the way, don't forget to 1) remember this IS an internet forum, so nothing you'll get here beats seeking professional help from someone like a marriage counselor and 2) I'm a 20 year old college student, so what the hell do I know?

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Le temps détruit tout

"Musicians are the carriers and communicators of spirit in the most immediate sense." - Kurt Elling

Johnny Rotten

Whether or not you should stay in the marriage is for you to decide. All I can say is that she doesn't sound like she honestly examined her motivations for getting married, and is acting very immature. Some women look forward so much to the marriage that they don't think about being a wife, and they see you as a groom instead of future husband.

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"The idea that money doesn't buy you happiness is a lie put about by the rich, to stop the poor from killing them." -- Michael Caine

Bloodslick

You may be paranoid about her cheating. While men have a near-constant desire to get in the pants of all those we're even halfway attracted to, women seem to have a lessened version of this desire (or can control it more readily.) Making accusations never helps.

Do seek counselling. If she is not cheating, then there is a strong chance (from what I've read above) that you could work something out. As has been said, communication is key. An outside party who has had proper training should be able to ask the questions that you aren't asking each other. A note on counselling, though: knowing why someone does something doesn't make the problem go away. If you can't remove the cause, you won't be successful. Be willing to compromise, but not to compromise who you are.

Averett

I have never heard of any companies pairing off a man and a woman in the same room to save cost. That's not good business.

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Absence is to love what wind is to fire. It extinguishes the small, it enkindles the great.

skysooner

Secret Method is very wise for 20 years old. I wish I had known a bunch of this when I was 20.

Seriously, he has it right. Seek counseling immediately. If she is already cheating, the chances of survival are slim. However there is still a chance she hasn't done anything, and this is just kind of a cry for help. My wife and I were very close when we were first married but then things happened (I got laid off, her mother died, we moved and she hated her job) that just stressed us out. We began fighting which affected all other aspects of the marriage. Sometimes when you are in a fighting cycle, it is hard to see your way out of it. We started counseling, but it didn't seem to help (we had the wrong counselor). I ended up moving out for a couple of weeks a few months after the birth of our first child (one other stress). Even though we saw each other every day when I went over to spend time with my son, it just wasn't the same. It took me about about 10 days away to realize that I did not want the marriage to end. We went back into counseling and figured out where we had gone wrong. The feelings had never ended, but they had been buried beneath a lot of bad feelings. We are very, very careful about how we deal with the relationship these days, and we are happier than just about any couple we know.

perth1

absolutely, even when i travel for work with male colleagues the company does not make us share a room.....

ratbastid

You two have been lying to each other for a long time. It's NOT just her. It's NEVER just one person in a relationship. Maybe you've been lying about how much you like being the noble victim?

There are two possibilities about the things she said a few weeks back. Either she was angry and didn't mean them, or it was the beginning of her telling the truth.

Once the truth gets ALL THE WAY TOLD, by BOTH of you, then something might be possible in your relationship. But right now all that's possible is pain and confusion.

vveronica

I feel so sorry for you baby... I would bet she is cheating on you and has been for a long time. You do what you feel is best but I would pull all the money out of your joint accounts and see and attorney.. If you dont she will... There is no reason to stay in the relationship, she will only hurt you more...

If you should want to talk more on this you can pm me..

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absorbentishe

Dude, that really sucks you're going through this. If you still love her and want to be with her, and she with you, then seek counseling(sp?) immediately if not sooner. If she is trying to hurt you in order to get out, then that will come out too. Be open and honest with her, and see if she will with you. If you just want to get out, then hire a PI to spy on here, get ammunition, and file for divorce.

Sapper

From what you have told us .. it sounds like the classic signs of her cheating on you.

Seek council - be it legal or relationship. Doing nothing will only hurt you more!

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Averett

lurkette and ratbastid are the TFP power couple. I swear, every single post I see from either one are spot on!

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Absence is to love what wind is to fire. It extinguishes the small, it enkindles the great.

sufferin

Don't be afraid of divorce, especially if you're still childless.

twotimesadingo

Along with Averett's quote, this would trouble me deeply, as well. Someone you love should care if you have qualms about something. Granted, after a talk, perhaps nothing in practice would change, but the fact remains that she should be cognizant and considerate of your fears.

You noted that you're both low- to mid-20s, and have been married for five years. Honestly, and I don't mean this to be abrasive, but that tells me that you're both immature; immature in the sense that you've probably never been in enough relationships to really recognize how they're supposed to work.

Primarily, communication has to be easy. Perhaps this is what ratbastid meant when he said that you need to be honest; perhaps you've known about this lapse in communication for a while, and have not brought it up... You need to be able to sit her down, talk very rationally (don't raise your voice), and solve some preliminary problems. If she again uses caustic language with the goal of hurting you, I'd say skip marriage counseling and just get the hell out. She's too young, and far too immature; and perhaps you are, as well. Though I've no experience with it myself, I'd imagine marriage counseling is geared toward solving problems, not helping someone grow up (but then, as SecretMethod said, it is probably in your best interest to talk to a marriage counselor and get some information, even if you do so without her).

If I had a wife who didn't seem to care about a major fear of mine (especially when it's worries about extra-marital affairs), then I'd say it's a good indication that she has already distanced herself too much for any fruitful mediation.

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I'll be the one to protect you from your enemies and all your demons.
I'll be the one to protect you from a will to survive and voice of reason.
I'll be the one to protect you from your enemies and your choices, son.
They're one and the same I must isolate you, isolate and save you from yourself."
- A Perfect Circle

Jim Kata

I handle reimbursements for people who travel for our company and out of the 5 years and 100s of 1000s of expense reports I have done....I have only seen someone share the same hotel room once......and they were a married couple.

She IS cheating on you, sorry.

Rubyee

No, you aren't being paranoid.

You are being realistic. And your wife seems to want you to know all this, which means if she is doing things behind your back, which, lets face it, she probably is, she is doing it just to spite you.

Talk to her, tell her how you feel. Ask her to be completely honest about how she feels. Seek counseling. And, if there are kids, remember their feelings.

But don't kid yourself. I do commend you for trying to stick to it and work things through, but that only works if there are two people trying. Time to face reality and do something about it.

Love sucks, because it can be one sided. Sounds like it is. Don't waste your time with someone who can't return the love and respect you give them.

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lurkette

Nitpicky point: you said she's in a grad program, so if they went to a conference as grad students, I've known many grad students who share rooms to save costs. That doesn't mean there's not necessarily something fishy going on, I just don't agree with the people who were assuming that since room-sharing is rare in companies she must be cheating.

Now, even if she's not cheating, you still have serious problems, hon, and you know that. I have to agree with my hubby and say that all you can do right now is be honest, and look at the relationship and see what you're willing to be responsible for. What are the things that you've been afraid to say? What have you withheld from her? What do you want for yourself? I'm not excusing her behavior, just saying that right now (and, really, all the time) all you can control is your behavior, your feelings, your reactions. It sounds like somewhere along the line something happened and you guys stopped communicating with each other, stopped being intimate (not just physically - emotionally), stopped acting like a couple.

I second the opinion that you guys could probably use a professional third party to help you work out some of this. Either she's right that she never had passion for you, and getting married was a youthful mistake, or the passion died for some reason and maybe you can pinpoint what it was. Either way, I think if both of you want to stay in the relationship, you can find a way to make it work. Contrary to popular belief, passion usually doesn't just happen. Sure, it can come and go as part of any relationship, but you can learn to bring it forth, too. But you have to want to.

Good luck, hon.

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"If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing."

- Anatole France

analog

You now know she has the capacity for cheating.

From here on in, please accept that what I'm telling you is my honest and UNBIASED appraisal of your situation. I apologize in advance for it's harshness, but I think you're looking for the true opinions, and I will not hold back just because my opinion is harsh- because if i'm at all correct, then the situation is, indeed, quite harsh.

She's fucking him. The fact that you are not invited is total bullshit. She's fucking him.

BULLSHIT.

It happens, but when we have all the other elements here that lead towards cheating, it only adds to the scenario.

She's fucking him, she's fucking him, she's fucking him.

She's not, because she's into the other guy. She's not kissing you because she either a.) is not into you enough to kiss you, or b.) she feels guilty kissing you when she loves the other guy. YES, people who cheat CAN feel guilty about kissing/etc. their legitimate partner because they feel more for the person they're cheating on you with. It's a harsh fact of reality. I'm very sorry. God help you if you 2 have kids. Move on to someone else. Go talk to a lawyer before you lose half your shit because she wants a different dick. Best of luck.

EDIT: Both for you, and the others reading this- please keep in mind that all these obvious signs of cheating do not necessarily mean you're innocent here. You may very well be doing things that bother the shit out of her, and she's looking for some love SOMEWHERE. You may well have been a neglectful husband, and not giving her the attention she needs/deserves. Do some real introspection and see what happens. You might find out you've been inadequate with your affections, or just not a nice person in general. It happens, yes- but it should serve as a sign to change yourself in a positive way.