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Nitpicky point: you said she's in a grad program, so if they went to a conference as grad students, I've known many grad students who share rooms to save costs. That doesn't mean there's not necessarily something fishy going on, I just don't agree with the people who were assuming that since room-sharing is rare in companies she must be cheating.
Now, even if she's not cheating, you still have serious problems, hon, and you know that. I have to agree with my hubby and say that all you can do right now is be honest, and look at the relationship and see what you're willing to be responsible for. What are the things that you've been afraid to say? What have you withheld from her? What do you want for yourself? I'm not excusing her behavior, just saying that right now (and, really, all the time) all you can control is your behavior, your feelings, your reactions. It sounds like somewhere along the line something happened and you guys stopped communicating with each other, stopped being intimate (not just physically - emotionally), stopped acting like a couple.
I second the opinion that you guys could probably use a professional third party to help you work out some of this. Either she's right that she never had passion for you, and getting married was a youthful mistake, or the passion died for some reason and maybe you can pinpoint what it was. Either way, I think if both of you want to stay in the relationship, you can find a way to make it work. Contrary to popular belief, passion usually doesn't just happen. Sure, it can come and go as part of any relationship, but you can learn to bring it forth, too. But you have to want to.
Good luck, hon.
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"If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing."
- Anatole France
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