Scott

For the past 3 and 1/2 years of my life I've had a crush on one single girl. How it lasted that long I don't really understand myself. Although, for the past 2 years of that, she's had a boyfriend, so I would keep my feelings to myself and just talk to her as often as I could 'as a friend' never revealing what I really thought. This of course really annoyed her boyfriend, but she'd always give him the 'we're just friends' spill and how I had been friends with her long before they were a couple.

As a side note, her old boyfriend dropped out of school in the 11th grade, has been known to do his share of drugs, works as a carpenter's assistant... and is basicly just an overall loser. About two months ago I finally told her how I really felt about her almost exactly a month later she broke up with her boyfriend to be with me. I continually told her to take her time to do whatever she likes.. that I am not pressuring her to do anything. I didn't want to hurt our current relationship as friends by telling her how I felt nor did I want either of us to make a wrong decision, but after holding it to myself for that long I finally just had to let it all out. Thinking about her all the time and not being able to say what I felt was driving me insane.

So for the past 3 weeks, we have officially been a 'couple.' I love for this girl with all my heart and she says she also has that love for me - or so she says. At this point, I really don't know what to think... anyway, on with the story. Not to sound conceited, but to compare me a bit to her other boyfriend, I am a sophomore in college, I drive a 2001 mr2 spyder (2 seater convertible), I pay for my own apartment ect, and let's just say I make more money just from scholarships than her ex-boyfriend does working everyday. There really is no characteristic about her ex-boyfriend that I envy in the least, other than the girl's attachment to him.

So anyway, I live an hour and a half from her home, so I only get to see her about half the days of the week. She is only a senior and high school and will be here at the same college with me come June of next year. She did (up until yesterday) still talk to her ex-boyfriend from time to time when he calls her, we'd see him at church as she's been bringing me to the church she goes to where the ex also attends. It's been a fairly uncomfortable situation for all of us. About a week ago her ex called her when she was in my car and she answered (doesn't have caller ID on her cell)... I'm thinking no big deal, this will come to an end eventually, she just needs some more time. At the end of their conversation, he still ends it with 'I love you' and out of habit she claims, she also ended the coversation with 'I love you.' .... in my car, sitting right beside me, knowing this has been a hard few weeks, she tells her ex she loves him. About an hour later, she apologizes for it when I confront her about it. So at this point, I'm off at school thinking every day how can I trust her being closer to her ex when I'm this far away and she still claims that she loves him. I mean c'mon, do you think the guy is ever going to leave hearing she loves him on the phone (and I'm sure in person as well, but I didn't witness that).

So yesterday she's at my apartment and we fooled around a little (we haven't had sex, in fact I'm still a virgin) but we do other things, ect. At one point she just stops and asks me to just lay there with her for now. So I'm thinking she's just stressed out still... she had two tests the next day an an english paper due two days away. So we just layed there holding each other, which was fine with me. A couple hours later it's about time for her to start driving back home for class the next morning and such, with stuff still to study, ect. So we're sitting there on my bed and she tells me "I have to tell you something you don't want to hear." First thing I think is, she's going back to the ex, but I just replied with something along the lines of "It's fine, just tell me what the problem is." After some silence, she finally tells me she had slept with her ex two days ago. Now this day, I knew when she was supposed to be home, and she didn't arrive there until 3 hours after. I had talked to her father, and he told me she had gone by her ex's to pick up some things she still had over there. When I talk to her when she gets home, she mentioned nothing about going to see her ex when I asked what all she had did that day, so I of course asked, 'so what was over at the *ex's name's* house?' She replied with something very short I don't recall and changed the subject.

So after she told me she had slept with her ex two days ago, I didn't get mad or anything, I tried staying as calm as possible and told her she needed to make a decision between the two of us. I told her I didn't need this stress in my life and if this is what things were going to be like I'd rather not bother at all. I asked would it be better if I just quit calling her perhaps until things settled (also while saying this, I think she knew that I also meant possible indefinitely). She told me no, if there was no me, she'd just go right back to him which she didn't want to do. So I ask her is she happy with her decision in breaking up with her ex for me... was that really what she wanted to do? She claims that's what she wants. Basicly I just went through a series of questions like these trying to find out just what she wanted. She seemed to start to get upset with me for asking such questions, then I said "what the hell am I supposed to think? how can I trust you when I hear you still tell your ex you love him, then I find out this?" So I tell her if she wants to have a relationship with me, she needs to decide that and make sure that's what she wants and let me and her ex both know that's what she decided on, or vice versa. She says I am her decision and that she doesn't want to be with her ex anymore, but wants to be with me.

I told her I don't want her talking to her ex anymore, going to his house anymore, accepting phone calls or messages from him anymore... if our relationship was going to work, we didn't need him making a hole between us.

I talked to her again that night before she went to bed and the subject was only brought up once when I asked was it necessary for her to get her cell phone number changed (knowing it was, I wanted to hear her answer) and she said yes, definitely, that she would get it done soon. We talked maybe 15 minutes about general stuff, then told each other goodnight.

I'm open to anything anyone has to say. Have a made the right decisions here? Should I just break it off with her in attempt to save myself some stress? She I wait it out and see if the problem actually clears up? ..hopefully before June when she's finally closer to me than him. Please please tell me what you think, I want to hear it.

Thanks,
Scott

(Thread originally written in 2003. Update @ end for 2009 for those that ever followed it!)

Averett

Holy Crap.

Paragraphs are your friend. Remember that and all will be well.

Now I'll actually read what you wrote although it'll be annoying.

Sorry for being so snarky. Advice to come.

__________________
Absence is to love what wind is to fire. It extinguishes the small, it enkindles the great.

Averett

Woah.

Okay.... So she was dating this guy for 2 years, broke up with him, then a month later shes with you? And she's cheated on you already? Things aren't looking good... But she did tell you, so perhaps she is willing to try to make things work.

Talk to her, tell her youre worried about this. Don't try to get too controlling with her because that will backfire on you.

Good luck

__________________
Absence is to love what wind is to fire. It extinguishes the small, it enkindles the great.

mb99usa

You were definitely more understanding than I would have been. As soon as she said she had slept with the ex I'd have kicked her to the curb.

Since you didn't and seem to really want a relationship with her I don't think your requests were out-of-line. The "problem" is not going to clear up until she is not around him as much.

Maybe you should put the relationship on hold until June. See if you both feel the same way then and you won't have the "problem" nearby.

__________________
So, what's your point?

It's not an attitude, it's a way of life.

Scott

I apologize for the big paragraph.. I went back and tried to break it up a little to make it easier to read. Thanks for the feedback.

Scott

numist

Those are my kind of paragraphs, I write one-pagers all the time....

anyway - my friend, you are my namesake so I won't feed you false advice. She cheated after 3 weeks with someone else, I would think very hard before re-entering into a relationship with her again - if at all. I would save myself the stress and write off any relatioship with her - I would not take her back if she returned - you have no guarantee it wont happen again, becuase she's already proven that she can't be trusted.

If the ex does leave the area (at least 1000 miles, say) then maybe give things a shot again, but if she says "I love you" to her ex on the phone, you aren't really in a relationship with her.
Some girls are bad judges of character, and generally they also seem to be missing some common sense. Be very careful how you proceed, I can't emphasize that enough.

I'd stay just friends, there are other women out there, but it seems that your heart was in the right place. Give it time and don't infatuate yourself with one person - theres more than one woman in the world, so don't blind yourself to other possibilities.

Good luck.

scott

Jim Kata

You gotta move on. One month into the relatioship and she broke down and scrumped her ex?? Not cool. Plus she left him for you, what makes you think she won't do the same to you with someone else especially after graduating high school?
I smell something bad and for once it isn't me, its this relationship's future.
I could be wrong, but you just got bite the bullet and say goodbye to her. She has until June to fuck her ex as many times as she wants without you ever finding out.
By telling you that she did it, is like her just saying "as long as I admit that I did it, its ok" which I see happening a lot more.
Like I said, say your goodbyes, she isn't the one. If she was the one, this would have never been an issue.

Elegant Holmes

I really feel for you. I am sorry to tell you this, but you need someone else. You need to find someone who loves you.

Woody182

Plain and simple, there is NOTHING you can do to alleviate her thinking about her ex. It is going to be completely her decision to get over her ex. I'm currently dating a great girl that was in a relationship for 4 years prior to us...I've talked to her about it....nothing anyone else did helped her get over it. Time and patience are your best friends in this case.

__________________
If I fall in love, will you forgive me?
If I lose my way, will you choose me?
If I change my mind, will you change me?
-Smashing Pumpkins

sipsake

Let me get this straight...if you left, she would be forced back into the arms of her ex.

Run away, very fast and never look back.

__________________
When life hands you a lemon, say "Oh yeah, I like lemons. What else you got?"

Henry Rollins

Bamrak

Relationships are basically about trust. Can you trust her? I think that's all the advice you need.

Elegant Holmes

Huzzah Bamrak. Nail on the head.

Mango

Fuck her man. Then she won't have to go to the ex to get a piece.

Crazy/Beautiful

Sorry about that Scott. Don't worry not all girls are like that! Don't put her up on a pedestal babe! She won't be over her ex for awhile and you could do better to! Try dating someone in college that lives more nearby. But don't stick with her, you'll never be able to trust her now and will be questioning your self-worth. It isn't worth the frustration my man

Crazy/Beautiful

So very true and well put!

diddagirl

Sounds like she's very confused...and take it from me, when a girl is confused and doesnt know what she wants we end up hurting the guys we are involved with, whether or not its intentionally.
I would tell her she needs to REALLY think about what she wants and how she feels, and you should stay clear of her while she does that.

__________________
"Is it so small a thing to have enjoyed the sun, to have lived long in the spring, to have loved, to have thought, to have done."
-Matthew Arnold

spived2

I had a situation similar to this happen to me where the girl went back to the ex a few weeks into the relationship for a one night thing. The way I dealt with it was to stay with her but give the relationship a lot of slack. I let her deal with her own issues with her ex and when she finally figured out what she wanted, it worked out in my favor. You can't force a girl to choose you no matter what you have or how much you care for her. Give her the time she needs to figure it out and wait for the call. Good luck.

__________________

"This visage, no mere veneer of vanity, is it vestige of the vox populi, now vacant, vanished, as the once vital voice of the verisimilitude now venerates what they once vilified. However, this valorous visitation of a by-gone vexation, stands vivified, and has vowed to vanquish these venal and virulent vermin vanguarding vice and vouchsafing the violently vicious and voracious violation of volition. The only verdict is vengeance; a vendetta, held as a votive, not in vain, for the value and veracity of such shall one day vindicate the vigilant and the virtuous. Verily, this vichyssoise of verbiage veers most verbose vis-à-vis an introduction, and so it is my very good honor to meet you and you may call me V." - V

gabshu

This girl sounds mayorly confused. She needs to get her act together, but so do you. I don't think you should be telling her that she can't talk to/see, etc. her ex. If she wants to do it, she needs to decide this for herself, I just don't think its your place to tell her anything like this.

Hope things work out for you with this girl.

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Go Kool Aid. OH YEAAHH

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Scott

Thank you all for the advice. After talking to her for a while today, we both completely understand what each other thinks of the situation. I directly asked her what exactly I could do to make this easier on her... whether that be us not seeing each other for the time being or would it be better for me to be there for her during this. I told her I wanted to know what exactly she thought about everything and I also told her everything that had been on my mind. We made an agreement that if we couldn't speak to each other about the things bothering us, there was no reason for us to try building this relationship. I have made it very clear to her that in whatever she chooses to do I will understand and that I don't want to make any harder on her than it absolutely must be.

Her answer to this was she didn't want us to quit seeing each other and as far as sleeping with her ex, she claims she had no intentions of that every happening, it's just something that happened... somehow. Never being in that situation myself, I can't completely relate, but I'm able to forgive her and just try to allow things to eventually work their way out. She told me that even though they had dated for 2 years, it was something that began when she was only 15, and she only began this relationship just to be in a relationship... this being where lack of maturity I'm sure is showing on all of our parts (our age), as I'm only 19 myself. She claims it's just someone she came used to being around, and she had nobody better to spend her time with, so she spent it with him. During this time, oddly enough, she had wished I had expressed my feelings to her then, because she also had the same feelings. Now, and a quote from her, she says "I love him, but I'm not in love with him." She told me she wasn't sure if that made since to me, but I think I can understand.

She asked me did I think I had made the right decisions as far as us, and I replied that I do care for her more than anyone and my decision to express that to her was one that I'd never take back, although I wasn't sure that my timing was the best. I told her that in all honesty after waiting that long to initially say something it may of been better if I continued waiting until we could be together much easier, and the possibility of her ex being farther away... although he had planned to get an apartment near hers and find a job here.

She should be getting her cell phone number changed tomorrow, so she won't have to bother with her ex calling her all the time like he has been lately. When he calls her home, she has caller ID, so she knows when to and not to answer.

I think that everything will turn out ok eventually, but if I suspect anything else may be going on, I've made up my mind to simply tell her we're not going to work out and end whatever there is left there to end.

This has been a difficult few weeks, especially within the last few days, and I hope that things do turn out ok, because if they don't, I'll not only be losing a girlfriend, but a girl I've been best friends with for near 4 years of my life.

Scott

thed00t

I've been in a similar situation. Wasn't cheated on like this, so it might be too different to compare... but... there was an extended crush, an ex, and unfinished feelings.

All I can say to you is this:

You will NOT find peace with this relationship if you can't trust the girl. Give up? No.

Set her down so to speak. Let her go. Break off all communication for a while. How long is up to you. I'm not advocating being an asshole about it, tell her about your plans.

The old adage holds true. If you love her, set her free. If she comes back to you she's yours. If she doesn't, it was not meant to be. Then you can be at peace knowing this.

You and her both definetly need some alone time before you tackle this.

nightshade000

Sleeping with someone doesn't 'Just Happen'. A: no matter how much you think you love her, if you're in college, you havn't lived enough life yet to know what you want. Think about the differences between you when you were 18 and you at 20.
B: She's still in high school, she DEFINATELY doesn't know what she wants, reguardless of what she says.
C: She's cheated on you already. It won't last. Even if she hadn't cheated on you, she will change in college.
D: You're on your way down a bad path. You showed her that you will tolerate cheating on you. You're trying to 'make it easy for her' when she cheated on you? If she wanted to stay with you, she should be doing everything she can to make it easy on YOU. When I was 19-20ish I had a crush on a girl just like you. I would have reacted to the cheating just like you. Now, a few years down the road, there's NO WAY I would tolerate that crap. -I- deserve better than that, and so do you. I say dump her. As much as you think you love her, it's just a crush. You're safe for her. She doesn't have to put out. She's NOT putting out for you, actualy. She stoped when you were making out, but she slept with her ex. From someone who's never met either of you, she's bad news.

Scott

To reply to Nightshade000 on the

it has actually been my decision not to have sex up until this point, not hers. She only stopped that one time because of dreading having to tell me what happened two days before, because she had a limited amount of time to see me that evening and wouldn't be able to see me again until the weekend. If it were up to her, we'd of had sex the night before she 'officially' broke up with her ex and several nights since then.

Scott

Funnel

Not to totally ignore your question, but, what is this he is an overall loser and doesnt make as much money as me crap. Some people dont make alot of money, and experiment with drugs. That doesnt make them a loser. The fact that you even took the time to compare yourself to him and state that you dont envy him because he may be different a lesser being than you sounded pretty shady. It seems like a very very material statement. So all i can tell you is to trust her and reevaluate yourself.

Scott

Funnel, from her dealing with her ex's "experiementing with drugs," she has two rather large scars on her left arm where she cut herself out of being furious with him and extremely sad at the same time. They're not exactly the best way to keep a relationship together. And as far as the money thing goes, I'm illustrating that this guy really has no future ahead of him... he'll continue making these same wages for a very long period of time and he's content with it. For myself, I'm a bit more ambitious than that.

Scott

Elegant Holmes

All the best to you. If it helps at all you have the support of the faceless minions of the TFP.

vveronica

She clearly has unresoved issues with him. and whether she ends up going back to him or just making your life miserable who know but either way you loose... I mean I dont think even I cheat on a guy that quick.... Move on sweetie.... Smoochieeeesss

Remeber if you go and leave her,, she could be the type that loves the broken up thing,,, you might hear from her the way he has...

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...We find ourselves in a struggle for our very right to exsist... We will not go quietly into the night... We will not give up without a fight...

crayzeeredhead

ok here is my two cents not that its worth that much!
Trust is and always will be a major issue for anyone who has cheated or been sheated on! not to say that those things cannot work themselves out or that trust cannot be rebuild but know right now that trust is very hard to rebuild especially under a cloud of suspicion inadvertantly put there by the self righteous partner who claims innocence! If you are prepared to go through the doubt frustration and general leap of faith I say go for it! Otherwise leave her alone to find what happiness she can!!! I would also think abotu the frienship that was there long before the relationship was!!

__________________
For everything there is a neverending cycle- birth, death, rebirth.
Evil can and will not exist without good and visa versa.
You also reap what you sew. There is a sliver of truth in every saying -those are a few!!

Crazy/Beautiful

Scott then she might do that with someone else also while going out with you! Also the cutting thing? Yeah just leave each other alone for awhile. If's it's meant to be then you guys can hook up later on. She sounds like disaster waiting to happen not matter how much you like her!

anti fishstick

sounds like she's not quite over the ex. and any time they see or talk to eachother, temptation waits. this girl is not worth the trouble. she obviously doesn't know what she wants. and even if she didn't see or talk to the ex anymore like you want her too, there's still that barrier there. there's still her mind and FEELINGS that she has to deal about.. which in turn affects your relationship. she needs to get over the old guy before she's ready to date you. also, she says she wants YOU but if you broke up, she'd just go back to the ex even though she doesn't want to. wtf?

try again later when the girl is secure being on her own.

__________________
And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
~Anais Nin

powder

Scott it sound like you really should hop in the sack with her. If not because you want to keep her, because if you don't you will be kicking yourself one day in the future for not doing it. Recreational sex is great you really should try it.

analog

Very nice, Funnel, well represented.

Well, let me see, he's her age, right? So you're digging on a guy YOU DO NOT KNOW for being a carpenter's assistant at- what- 17? Holy shit, what kind of stellar high-paying job can a 17-year-old dropout have? I'm not one, but just because someone dropped out of high school doesn't make them a loser. How do you know he isn't training? You DO realize, I hope, that most skilled labor such as that requires some extensive apprenticeship- often without being paid much, if at all, before you can go out and do it for real for companies. Most plumbing companies, for exmaple, won't hire you as a real plumber without at least a few years of prior experience. Someone as smart and ambitious as you should be able to appreciate the concept of learning new things.

Also, just because she cut herself doesn't mean HE drove her to it. People cut themselves for many different reasons, but not because people "drive" them to it. They do it because they can't handle the situation they're in, or as a way to escape. Emotionally, they feel little or nothing, so they cut themselves to feel SOMETHING. You may be seeing this as a problem with him, but it's actually a problem with HER. Not saying that people who cut themselves always do it for bad reasons (I do it sometimes, and always for pleasurable reasons , ladies... lol), or that they're all messed up, but you're placing blame incorrectly and it's skewing your perspective.

I know you've known her and had a puppy crush on her for a while, so therefore your eyes might be SLIGHTLY out of focus regarding her more... harsh... qualities.

Regardless of all of the above, however, infidelity is breakup rule #1 as far as I'm concerened, zero-tolerance. So, dump her, find someone better, and re-examine the way you perceive and judge that which you don't fully comprehend.

Best of luck.

Scott

Analog, to clear you up on the age of her ex, he's my age - 19. And in all honesty, if I asked this guy to spell "carpenter's assistant," he wouldn't spell it right. You would just have to know this person.. and as far as her, she will be valedictorian for her class when she graduates. The maturity and IQ level of these two people are so far apart, they can't even hold a decent conversation with each other anymore.

But anyway, judging by some of the replies to this thread, I'm doing things all wrong anyway. Judging by some of the replies here, I'm wrong for comparing herself to her ex. Sorry for that, I just tend to try and make sure that I'm making the most of myself and not throwing my life away. Unfortunately, one way of making sure I'm making the most of myself is comparing myself to my peers, as poor mannered as that may be. Also judging by some of these replies, some people seem to think I should just fuck her and/or leave her, that way I know this shit won't happen again and perhaps these posters think I'll be getting my "revenge" and some pussy at the same time. Once again I'm sorry, that's just not my style of doing things. We may not work out, but I don't want to end it like that. I do actually care for this person even after all that's gone on. For the posters that in fact gave me advice at what they thought I should do, thank you for that. I really appreciate you taking the time to let me know how you feel about my situation.

For now we're still together and hope things do work out for us, but if we do have to be apart, it will be done gracefully, because I don't want either of us to have to go through any more than what we already have.

Scott

nightshade000

I don't at all think you should sleep with her if you're not ready for sex in general. I also don't think you would be 'getting revenge' if yo break up with her. I'm sorry if I gave that impression at all. I think you should break up with her because she treats you like you're nothing. She may not be doing that intentionaly, but you're definately letting her walk on you. She cheated on you, and at least, my impression is, that you seem to be trying to take some of the blame. Why would you try to make it easier for her? I don't belive that cheating EVER 'just happens'. I belive people make mistakes, and that you might be able to recover from cheating. But it never 'just happens' ... It just shows lack of responcability and lack of respect for you. The fact that she cuts herself just, imho, is just a sign that she's got a whole lot of baggage and at your age of 19, you can find someone just as beautiful, just as smart, and with a whole lot less issues. Personaly, I don't belive anyone should get married before they're 25 because they havn't lived/experienced enough to really know what they wany. That could be extended to 'no reason to seriously be commited to someone before 20'. That's just my opinion though, so take it for what it's worth to you

Scott

Hello again all...

Coming back searching and reading some of my old posts, I of course remembered this one of all. I'll be 21 years old in eleven days (I made my original post when I was 19) and for an update I'm still dating the same girl. Everything is much better now and we have a bright future ahead of us.

Thanks for being here when I needed someone to talk to.

Scott

ps, it seems a couple posts have been made under my name by a friend, particularly the one named "WTF!" Damn cookies leaving me logged in...

tooth

Scott, I'm glad to hear that things are going well for the two of you. That's a hell of a tough way to try to start a relationship. All the best for your future.


P.S. If you want, you should be able to delete the posts that your friend made in your name.

Sage

That's totally cool. It's so good to hear that some girls *can and do* get out of relationships with losers. I'm so happy that you two are still together and still happy

__________________

Fett56

Its good to hear you are still together, I'm going through a similar situation right now...

NetFreak0485

I was in a situation somewhat like this, but never slept with the girl. I did however go out & spend over 400 bucks on her a** for Christmas in 2003(but that was because she wasnt gonna have a good christmas & I felt sorry for her)...anyways, she & I were gonna date then she turns me down for another kid who she would cheat on with a(at that time 21, now 23 year old) guy who she revealed her true colors to me at a school dance after I spent some cash on getting the tickets to the dance, then nearly dying on my way to pick her up in my crappy 1991 Lincoln Continental(thank god, I have a better vehicle now). I spent all that time with her, helping her onto her feet after breaking up with one of her ex-boyfriends...pfft..point is after that, she & her friends started harassing me & crap. Well, now IMO & I mean IMO, it has ended, because I am not gonna put up with any of her childish bullsh*t...she is 16 years old & yeah, she did break up with that 23 year old just recently, but my point is, is that, kid..you are NOT alone..even before this bullsh*t happened, I went through MANY, MANY women issues..you just gotta get to know them first before taking that next big leap...But, I thought that I knew this girl anyways..but I guess I was blinded yet again, because love DOES(at times) have that sizzling effect on all of us!

dirtyrascal7

i'm so glad i read ALL of the posts before replying... or else i'd have given some very untimely advice. :-)

it's good to hear that things worked out... i always hate seeing the "run away ASAP" posts when someone has a relationship problem, that may be a solution for that relationship, but it doesn't allow you to grow and mature as a person... it just teaches you to run at the first sign of trouble.

scott, would you mind elaborating on how things came to be... like, were there any more trust problems after she changed her phone number? and how did you cope with the fact that she gave you a reason to not trust her?

btw... happy birthday. :-)

Scott

dirtyrascal, I'll get on that when I get a chance. For now it's bed time... I forgot to mention we've also lived together now for the past 9 months.

Scott