Oh so confusing women - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

jerseyboy · 09-26-2003, 09:24 PM

Background:
I am best friends with a girl, who obviously I completely adore. We have been friends since freshman year (we are now seniors), but you guessed it of course she has a boyfriend. About 2 weeks ago she tells me she and her bf (who I am somewhat friendly with) are having problems. Being the nice guy I am, I encouraged her to work it out with him. The next time I spoke to her, they were still together but things were definitely not solid between them.

The events of last night:
So last night my school sponsored a night out for all the seniors, and rented out an entire bar/club. I ran into my friend when entering the place but we shortly parted ways as we tend to hang out with different circles of friends. Later in the evening after the effects of alcohol had taken their toll on her we ran into each other again. She proceeded to throw her arm around me and ask me if I know how much she loves me and how I am her best friend at the school. She also tells me that she likes me as more than a friend and that her boyfriend knows that and doesnt care. We hung out for a while, took a shot together (I offered to pay for her but she insisted not) and danced for a little bit. For the most part her and her boyfriend did not hang out a lot during the evening.
Towards the end of the evening I went back to the people I had arrived at the event with and we got back on the buses our school had rented to get back to campus, she was sitting alone (he bf had left earlier to help out a friend who was having issues) and she invited me to sit with her. Being as it was late and she had had a little too much to drink, she was tired and leaned on me. I put my arm around her and just playingly tugged at one of her fingers. She returned the tug and then took my hand. While holding hands she fell asleep for the rest of the ride back to campus. When we got back to campus she gave me a hug we said good night and she went home with the friends she lived with.
This morning she IM's me and is extremely apologetic for her behaviour the night before (she always seems embarrassed to be drunk when I am around). I told her there was nothing she should be embarrassed about, and she says that she remembers most of the evening but a lot of it was a blur. She also thanks me for letting her lean against me when she fell alseep.

So here is where I need your help. What the hell is going on with this girl? Do you think the alcohol made her just say random things or did it just loosen her inhibitions so she would speak the truth more easily. Also whats up with the hand holding, was that just a product of the alcohol or did she really feel something. I am trying not to bee too excited about this, but after pining over this girl for 3 years its hard not to.

QuasiMojo · 09-26-2003, 09:54 PM

Good Luck Buddy.

rogue49 · 09-26-2003, 10:03 PM

Keep your mouth shut,
and let her tell you when she's sober.

Until that happens don't count on anything to be truth,
and even then the words don't really count until you see the actions to follow them.

Harshaw · 09-26-2003, 10:04 PM

I don't want to get your hopes up. But there is a saying "Drunks and Children, they tell the truth". Its possible that she may have some sort of hidden feelings for you that she keeps pressed pretty far down. It wouldn't be the first time it took alchohol to bring it out.
The big problem as I see it is, you have been friends with this girl for 3 years. It seems like many girls have a window for dating, and once past this window it is hard, very hard to change from friends to dating.
It all kind of depends on if you think you can talk to your friend about this in a non-threatening way. You have a lot of obstacles to over come, so don't get your hopes up and don't try to press her into something.

macmanmike6100 · 09-26-2003, 10:10 PM

Stay out of it until she's clear of her bf, if ever. Then come back to us.

At this point, any pressing forward spells trouble. She's not stable (she sounds like she needs time to figure shit out) and still has a boyfriend. Let her go for now, and see where it goes later.

Good luck.

Matrix2023 · 09-26-2003, 10:19 PM

I think the only time you can ever trust someone is telling the truth is when they are drunk. And since she does remember most of the evening, she wasn't wasted enough to just ramble on about anything.

But the thing about women is that they don't like to sacifice friendship for sex, so she is going to not say anything just to keep your friendship, because she can get sex from somewhere else, but friendship is hard to find. That's when you gotta tell her that no matter what happens, you'll always be friends, and hope that's enough to loosen her up again.

Is this senior year at college, or high school? Because then its an entire different story for high schoolers. They are in their own little land of confusion.

Astrocloud · 09-26-2003, 10:29 PM

Okay my friend, you have chosen a path which requires a very dear understanding of the female sex not just your female friend's. Not everyone has this (and certainly not me). Therefore I am recomending that you take an absolute breather and just fuck someone else. However, if she comes on to you before that and her 'boyfriend' isn't around... try a dry kiss on her lips.

Anything beyond that ... and it's all yours. Be carefull.

Averett · 09-27-2003, 07:57 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by jerseyboy
So here is where I need your help. What the hell is going on with this girl? Do you think the alcohol made her just say random things or did it just loosen her inhibitions so she would speak the truth more easily. Also whats up with the hand holding, was that just a product of the alcohol or did she really feel something. I am trying not to bee too excited about this, but after pining over this girl for 3 years its hard not to.

Okay, well I've been in this situation somewhat. I've known this guy for years, since we were both in diapers. But over the past year and a half we've been hanging out a lot. Last summer I would go to his house a few times a week and just hang out watching movies and TV. So of course I got a crush on him. I never said anything, because I never thought he would feel the same way. There were a few drunken kisses here and there, always initated by him. I never thought much of it, cause that's just how he is... So, 2 months ago we're out and having a pizza after a night drinking and he says to me "You know I liked you last summer." I was pretty shocked. Well, of course he has a girlfriend now, and I don't know how we would have been as a couple. We'll never know now anyway.

My take on this girl is that she does care for you. Somebody mentioned the window of opportunity. You may have possibly passed that. After a certian point, it's hard for a girl to date a guy that she's known for so long. Will it be weird? Will you still be friends? What if you break up? Those are things you've got to think about.

Alcohol is a funny thing. It does make you do and say things that you normally wouldnt while sober. So I say yes, she does feel something more. But does she want a relationship? I don't know. She may not know. But yes, you can't do anything while she's still with her boyfreind. Let her know that you're there for her. If she breaks up with him, don't go pouncing right away. Just be her friend.

That's not really a straight answer, I know. Sure, you could say something. But now it would probably just lead to more trouble than you'd need.

Good luck, let us know how it goes

jerseyboy · 09-27-2003, 03:34 PM

Thank you to everyone who has replied, I will take all the advice into consideration. Unfortunately I am at home this weekend so I havent had the opportunity to speak to her, but we have a running Tuesday nite meeting for coffee because we dont really run into each other a lot between classes and whatnot. I am thinking I might casually bring up that I had a really good time that night, but not mention anything specific as to what went on between us, and see if she brings anything up.

I am really hoping that my window of opportunity has not passed with this girl. She started going out with this guy about 3 weeks into freshman year and I did not really become friendly with her until she had started going out with him, so I never really had a chance with her. When I spoke to her when she was having problems with her boyfriend, she mentioned how she knew she was starting to have problems when she came back to school and was not that excited to see her boyfriend after only seeing him three times over the summer. Yet when I first saw her this year she was nearly driven to tears (I think thats mainly because we didnt see each other for a year, because I was abroad though).

Anyways I'll update you all when i see her next, but I would definitely appreciate more advice, especially from the women.

Plan9Senior · 09-27-2003, 04:47 PM

First off, rule #1 never take anything serious that is said from the mouth of a drunk person. Secondly, you are very young and don't need to waste your time "pining" over a girl when you could possibly be with her now. If she is your best friend then you should be able to talk to her about how you feel towards her. Just be prepared to lose the friendship you have with her after it is known because once you cross the friendship line, it will never be the same (whether that be a good thing or a bad thing).

Just remember though, if she starts coming on to you while she has a boyfriend now, she will most likely do the same thing to you if you two were to be dating.

jerseyboy · 09-27-2003, 05:35 PM

I know I should be able to talk to her about this sort of thing, I have spoken to her about a lot of other more sensitive things. The problem is though as you described it, I dont want to risk losing the friendship. I value this friendship more than any other I have ever had, and I dont want to lose it.

As for her coming on to other guys, if she ever does go out with me, I doubt that will happen. She and I have pretty much had a typical boyfriend/girlfriend relationship minus the physicality stuff, and she I are probably closer to each other on a lot more levels than she is with her current boyfriend. I only think that she has begun to see me in a new light since her current relationship has started to go sour. And its not like she really did anything that bad, she made one passing comment, and then held hands with me shortly before falling asleep. Its the fact that in the comment she mentioned that her boyfriend knew and didnt care that gets me most. First of all it shows that they speak about me, and secondly and most importantly is the he doesnt care part which both confuses me and makes me think that they are on the verge of breaking up.

I dunno, all I know is that I really want to speak to her about it, but I know that that would be a very very bad idea.

minyn · 09-27-2003, 05:52 PM

Hey, two cents from a gal. Take it with a grain of salt.

Firstly, no jumping to conclusions. she's mad at herself as it is, she needs to straighten things out, and let her do that. I doubt she regrets what she said, but i really doubt she wants things to change. Alcohol makes people honest in a strange way..... the way that gets people in trouble. you know, you (or at least i) say what i think but i know i shoudlnt say... just yet at least.

So the moral? stand back, stay her friend. dont take action, let things play out. Her boyfriend and she will appreciate that. if its meant to happen, it will.

and last.... good luck!

wry1 · 09-28-2003, 09:35 AM

If she brings up the topic during your Tuesday-night coffee, then just tell her that the only thing she did was get your hopes up..... she didn't make a fool of herself and has nothing to be ashamed of.

But I wouldn't recommend bringing up the topic first.

As for everybody else's comments, they all have their own merits and you really need to decide what you want to take from each of them (if anything). After all, you're the one who's going to have to deal with this issue - we're just here for moral support and advice.

Good luck, be casual, and most importantly: Be there for her. If she really needs a friend, be that. When she want's a new boyfriend, make sure your name is out there for consideration. But don't rush it.

jerseyboy · 09-28-2003, 10:39 AM

Thank you all again for the advice and support. I think the reason I am getting excited here, is that this is the biggest opportunity I've ever had with this girl and I dont want to blow it by just sitting on the sidelines and not doing anything, I have missed far too many opportunities in the past with other people by doing that.

As for Tuesday night coffee, I wasnt planning on bringing up anything she said thursday night or the hand holding but just mentioning how it was a fun night and how I cant wait for the next senior pub nite. I know I am definitely not going to tell her she got my hopes up, because although I think she has an idea that I like her, nothing explicit has ever been really stated between us.

Irregardless of what happens between us, I am always going to be there for her. We've both supported each other in difficult times in the past, and I have no reason not to do the same now. I have never helped her out before simply because I was looking to get some action, I supported her because she was a friend of mine and I dont want anything for her but happiness.

Sapper · 09-28-2003, 01:40 PM

Above all else, remember ... all good things shall come to pass.

Just be patient - why ruin a good friendship with pressures?

jerseyboy · 10-01-2003, 03:50 AM

Well we met last night and it looks like I am back to square one with this girl. The conversation proceeded between us as if nothing at all happened. We spoke briefly about Thursday night, but nothing about what went down between us just basically about how it was fun. Oh well looks like she is ignoring the situation and I will have to go back to pining after her. Thanks for the advice.

sailor · 10-01-2003, 08:34 AM

Yeah, Im sorry man. Ive been in almost the same situation--it sucks. Good luck, maybe things will work out in the end.

sigma1042 · 10-01-2003, 10:11 AM

you shouldn't let her not bring it up
next time you talk to her, you bring it up
ask if she remembers what she said, tell her what she said , if she thinks that and meant it,
say you didn't bring it up before cause you wondered if she would, but you couldn't stop thinking about it

me and my chick (of the past 4 yrs) started kind of similar way
we both needed some liquor to get enough courage to say or do anything,
we partied, she "fell asleep" on my couch that we just crashed on, i gave her a kiss on the cheek, then we laid there both awake (but pretending to sleep) saying nothing, waiting for the other one to make a move, then both really fell asleep, at some point i got into bed
we didn't talk about for 2 weeks cause we didn't see too much of each other, when we did we didn't discuss it, only to deny the hookup that didn't actually happen
then i brought it up when she was crashing on my couch again after a party, she said she was awake the whole and really wanted me to have kissed her again that night
then we made out, etc, etc and started dating afterwards

raeanna74 · 10-01-2003, 01:15 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by macmanmike6100
Stay out of it until she's clear of her bf, if ever. Then come back to us.

At this point, any pressing forward spells trouble. She's not stable (she sounds like she needs time to figure shit out) and still has a boyfriend. Let her go for now, and see where it goes later.

Good luck.

Exactly what I think. Any relationship that you developed with her as a jump from her current bf and you would have a very poor chance of success. Stick around but don't make ANY moves until her last relationship is over.

analog · 10-01-2003, 08:54 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Harshaw
"Drunks and Children, they tell the truth"

I've always observed this to be true. Alcohol lowers your inhibitions, and makes it easier for you to say things on your mind you'd usually be too afraid to say.If she was otherwise coherent, it's probably largely based on the truth. If she was sloshy and babbling and that came out too, then that's called an "i love you" drunk. lol but really, good luck, and heed this:

Quote:

Originally posted by rogue49
Keep your mouth shut,
and let her tell you when she's sober

Queen Dido · 10-02-2003, 11:59 AM

What the hell... I'm old, but I still remember what it was like to be a young woman in college... sometimes in love, sometimes drunk, but always confused about my own feelings.

I had boyfriends and I had friends who were male. Frankly, I enjoyed my time with the latter more and it always confused the hell out of me. The boyfriends got the ol' hormones going in a way the male friends generally didn't, but they were often jerks. The friends, on the other hand, were people I could relax with more than I could with the boyfriends. In retrospect, I could relax because the sex issue wan't there. Nothing to prove.

Eventually, I found a friend who, for watever reasons, sent my hormones racing. We would talk for hours about anything and everything (but not sex) and I would go to bed horny as hell. It took a while, but we eventually moved from friends to lovers. That was 25 years and 3 kids ago. We're still together, we still talk about everything, and the sex is great.

The question is: are you that one guy for her -- the one that combines the companionship, the friendship, and the spark? If so, don't give up. Boyfriends pass; friends are forever. True friends who become lovers can be forever too.

jerseyboy · 10-02-2003, 01:42 PM

Thank you all once again for all the advice. I really dont know where I stand with the girl. I always figured I was just the nice friend who didnt get the hormones racing, so I really didnt get too tied up in knots about not having her and I actively seeked others. Its just the way she acted towards me last week combined with the fact that she has been having problems with her boyfriend that has gotten me excited.

As of right now I dont know what the status of her relationship with her boyfriend is. She told me they were having trouble about 2 weeks ago, and they had actually sorta broken up for about a day. Then they got back together and were taking it day by day. I'd really like to know what is going on now, but I dont feel exactly comfortable coming out and asking her.

Johnny Rotten · 10-02-2003, 10:46 PM

You've been friended, man. I hate to tell you. Every sign she's given has been largely platonic. If she's casual when sober, then there is no spark. I have been there, back in high school, pining away for this one girl. She won't magically realize anything about you or her boyfriend.

There are so many fish in the sea, though, so many intelligent, lovely ladies right under your nose, I'll bet. She'll probably start acting wierd when you get interested in a girl, but be strong against her reaction. Don't let her tug at you.

Let her know that you're no less her friend when you're with another girl than you are when you're with her. If she still tugs, she's just being selfish.

stonecurran · 10-02-2003, 11:05 PM

just be a friend to her and be patient. good things come to thoughs who wait. don t take what she said to you when she was drunk to heart wait until she says it sober

Spidey · 10-03-2003, 12:30 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Queen Dido
The question is: are you that one guy for her -- the one that combines the companionship, the friendship, and the spark? If so, don't give up. Boyfriends pass; friends are forever. True friends who become lovers can be forever too.

That made my heart all warm and fuzzy.

jerseyboy · 10-06-2003, 01:19 PM

Just thought I would offer you all an updated to the boring soap opera that is my nonexistant love life.

So last night the girl I like organised a birthday dinner for her former room mate who I also happen to be friends with. Her boyfriend knows the girl as well so I figured that he would definitely be there, but alas he was not. This definitely had me wondering so I was going to ask her about it, but luckily someone did it before I had the chance to. Unfortunately I was distracted so I didnt hear her full response but she seems to kind of skirt the topic, and not address it fully.

We are meeting again for coffee tomorrow, so I am gonna try to get to the bottom of this and see what is up. I just have one question.

What do I do if she asks me for advice about her relationship. Obviously I cant express my true feelings that she dump him for me, but I also dont feel as if I should tell her to work things through, as that would be working against my agenda. What do I say.

hobo · 10-06-2003, 08:16 PM

well, give her advice that will bring temporary peace between them, but not have them running into each other's arms. like don't recommend anything romantic or somehting like that but just something that'll clear the air between them. if he was a jerkass then she should dump him.

Harshaw · 10-06-2003, 08:23 PM

Quote:

[i]What do I do if she asks me for advice about her relationship. Obviously I cant express my true feelings that she dump him for me, but I also dont feel as if I should tell her to work things through, as that would be working against my agenda. What do I say. [/B]

Ha, been there.

In the long run, you will be happier if you give real valid advice. If the relationship is in serious trouble, their is probably very little you can do to fix it from the outside. But in the long run, if you gave bad advice she might hold it against you later. You will probably feel better about yourself if you try to help.

Harmonia · 10-06-2003, 09:11 PM

Alcohol and Pot: The Truth Serums

Just wait until she is sober, hon.

hparcins · 10-06-2003, 09:30 PM

Harmonia is right. When Im high or drunk (mainly drunk) I say a LOT of shit I would never say, but definitely mean. I told some chick she was so hot I would eat her asshole the other day, after like 15 natty ices. I got her number, however I doubt I will eat her asshole. That doesn't mean I wouldn't, though.

My advice: Break out the tools and lay some pipe on this chick.

tekaweni · 10-07-2003, 03:16 PM

3 years of pining for her have not gone unnoticed, and under the 'fluence she felt safe to lean on you. I think its more to do with problems with her b/f than suddenly liking you though (sorry)

Having said that, I'd hang in there. Youre both young, her b/f will no doubt leave her or get left, and who'll be right there?

Good luck

mediajunkie · 10-07-2003, 05:10 PM

Hmmm..another thing that might be happening (and I hate to say this) is that she is using you for all the "emotional" feelings that she isn't getting while she is banging the boyfriend. That way she is getting the best of both worlds.

Just another option.

(and yes I have been burned by females way to many times).

Harshaw · 10-07-2003, 08:43 PM

Ugh, I hadn't even though of the issue mediajunkie just raised, even though I have been there many times.
Normally, I think if this were happening to Jerseyboy, she would be doing it infront of her boyfriend. Kind of a wake up call.

bananaman · 10-08-2003, 03:26 PM

Man this must just about happen to everybody don't it. Well the first time it happened to me I tried to play it cool, but eventually told her how I felt, our relationship lasted a year and a half or so. Second major time I didn't say anything because I felt shitty "stealing" the first girl away from her then boyfriend and swore never to do that again. Well I haven't, and honestly, regret not going for it. Your friendship now is obviously intertwined with the physical attraction you have for her. By the way, I'm still friends with the second girl and its although we are great friends we have plenty of those akward moments where we're about 1 second away from ripping each others clothes off. At least I'd like to think we are.

10-09-2003, 07:26 PM

I say beat his ass to show her how manly you are and how you'd do anything for her. I've done this several times and I always get the girl.

Heh, j/k... Seriously though, I have gone through this several times..

The first few times I never said anything or pushed at all and remained friends wondering "What if?" Eventually I got tired of being the friend, so I started to gently push the subject and force her to say something.. I don't know why I always got bumped over into the friends ladder, but I think it's because I was too nervous and wet to slow. Forcing the issue (in a gentle manner) might be a speed bump with your friendship with her, but you have to ask yourself if you'd rather be her friend or her man.

Sometimes it comes down to all or nothing, but you know the saying, "It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." If yall work out, it will most likely be a strong relationship, since it was based on years of friendship.

Litespeed · 10-09-2003, 11:40 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Harshaw
I don't want to get your hopes up. But there is a saying "Drunks and Children, they tell the truth". Its possible that she may have some sort of hidden feelings for you that she keeps pressed pretty far down. It wouldn't be the first time it took alchohol to bring it out.
The big problem as I see it is, you have been friends with this girl for 3 years. It seems like many girls have a window for dating, and once past this window it is hard, very hard to change from friends to dating.
It all kind of depends on if you think you can talk to your friend about this in a non-threatening way. You have a lot of obstacles to over come, so don't get your hopes up and don't try to press her into something.

Hal and I were friends for 7 years before we fell into love. Don't let the "window for dating" concept drag you down. Patience is the best virtue a girl could ask for.

jerseyboy · 10-11-2003, 07:42 AM

Well one of the organisations at my school is holding a semi formal next weekend. Two years ago (I was abroad last year) she was there without her boyfriend and we hung out and danced for a bit. I'm gonna try to find out if she will be attending this year without him again. One can always hope.

09-26-2003, 09:24 PM	#1 (permalink)
jerseyboy Insane	Oh so confusing women Background: I am best friends with a girl, who obviously I completely adore. We have been friends since freshman year (we are now seniors), but you guessed it of course she has a boyfriend. About 2 weeks ago she tells me she and her bf (who I am somewhat friendly with) are having problems. Being the nice guy I am, I encouraged her to work it out with him. The next time I spoke to her, they were still together but things were definitely not solid between them. The events of last night: So last night my school sponsored a night out for all the seniors, and rented out an entire bar/club. I ran into my friend when entering the place but we shortly parted ways as we tend to hang out with different circles of friends. Later in the evening after the effects of alcohol had taken their toll on her we ran into each other again. She proceeded to throw her arm around me and ask me if I know how much she loves me and how I am her best friend at the school. She also tells me that she likes me as more than a friend and that her boyfriend knows that and doesnt care. We hung out for a while, took a shot together (I offered to pay for her but she insisted not) and danced for a little bit. For the most part her and her boyfriend did not hang out a lot during the evening. Towards the end of the evening I went back to the people I had arrived at the event with and we got back on the buses our school had rented to get back to campus, she was sitting alone (he bf had left earlier to help out a friend who was having issues) and she invited me to sit with her. Being as it was late and she had had a little too much to drink, she was tired and leaned on me. I put my arm around her and just playingly tugged at one of her fingers. She returned the tug and then took my hand. While holding hands she fell asleep for the rest of the ride back to campus. When we got back to campus she gave me a hug we said good night and she went home with the friends she lived with. This morning she IM's me and is extremely apologetic for her behaviour the night before (she always seems embarrassed to be drunk when I am around). I told her there was nothing she should be embarrassed about, and she says that she remembers most of the evening but a lot of it was a blur. She also thanks me for letting her lean against me when she fell alseep. So here is where I need your help. What the hell is going on with this girl? Do you think the alcohol made her just say random things or did it just loosen her inhibitions so she would speak the truth more easily. Also whats up with the hand holding, was that just a product of the alcohol or did she really feel something. I am trying not to bee too excited about this, but after pining over this girl for 3 years its hard not to.

09-26-2003, 09:54 PM	#2 (permalink)
QuasiMojo King Knave Location: Lancaster	Good Luck Buddy. __________________ AzAbOv ZoBeLoE

09-26-2003, 10:04 PM	#4 (permalink)
Harshaw Is mad at you. Location: Bored in Sacramento	I don't want to get your hopes up. But there is a saying "Drunks and Children, they tell the truth". Its possible that she may have some sort of hidden feelings for you that she keeps pressed pretty far down. It wouldn't be the first time it took alchohol to bring it out. The big problem as I see it is, you have been friends with this girl for 3 years. It seems like many girls have a window for dating, and once past this window it is hard, very hard to change from friends to dating. It all kind of depends on if you think you can talk to your friend about this in a non-threatening way. You have a lot of obstacles to over come, so don't get your hopes up and don't try to press her into something. __________________ This too shall pass.

09-26-2003, 10:29 PM	#7 (permalink)
Astrocloud Apocalypse Nerd	Okay my friend, you have chosen a path which requires a very dear understanding of the female sex not just your female friend's. Not everyone has this (and certainly not me). Therefore I am recomending that you take an absolute breather and just fuck someone else. However, if she comes on to you before that and her 'boyfriend' isn't around... try a dry kiss on her lips. Anything beyond that ... and it's all yours. Be carefull. Last edited by Astrocloud; 09-26-2003 at 10:31 PM..

09-27-2003, 04:47 PM	#10 (permalink)
Plan9Senior Banned Location: Orange County, California	First off, rule #1 never take anything serious that is said from the mouth of a drunk person. Secondly, you are very young and don't need to waste your time "pining" over a girl when you could possibly be with her now. If she is your best friend then you should be able to talk to her about how you feel towards her. Just be prepared to lose the friendship you have with her after it is known because once you cross the friendship line, it will never be the same (whether that be a good thing or a bad thing). Just remember though, if she starts coming on to you while she has a boyfriend now, she will most likely do the same thing to you if you two were to be dating. Last edited by Plan9Senior; 09-27-2003 at 04:50 PM..

09-26-2003, 10:03 PM	#3 (permalink)
rogue49 Loser	Keep your mouth shut, and let her tell you when she's sober. Until that happens don't count on anything to be truth, and even then the words don't really count until you see the actions to follow them.

09-26-2003, 10:10 PM	#5 (permalink)
macmanmike6100 High Honorary Junkie Location: Tri-state.	Stay out of it until she's clear of her bf, if ever. Then come back to us. At this point, any pressing forward spells trouble. She's not stable (she sounds like she needs time to figure shit out) and still has a boyfriend. Let her go for now, and see where it goes later. Good luck.

09-26-2003, 10:19 PM	#6 (permalink)
Matrix2023 Upright Location: Mars	I think the only time you can ever trust someone is telling the truth is when they are drunk. And since she does remember most of the evening, she wasn't wasted enough to just ramble on about anything. But the thing about women is that they don't like to sacifice friendship for sex, so she is going to not say anything just to keep your friendship, because she can get sex from somewhere else, but friendship is hard to find. That's when you gotta tell her that no matter what happens, you'll always be friends, and hope that's enough to loosen her up again. Is this senior year at college, or high school? Because then its an entire different story for high schoolers. They are in their own little land of confusion.

09-27-2003, 03:34 PM	#9 (permalink)
jerseyboy Insane	Thank you to everyone who has replied, I will take all the advice into consideration. Unfortunately I am at home this weekend so I havent had the opportunity to speak to her, but we have a running Tuesday nite meeting for coffee because we dont really run into each other a lot between classes and whatnot. I am thinking I might casually bring up that I had a really good time that night, but not mention anything specific as to what went on between us, and see if she brings anything up. I am really hoping that my window of opportunity has not passed with this girl. She started going out with this guy about 3 weeks into freshman year and I did not really become friendly with her until she had started going out with him, so I never really had a chance with her. When I spoke to her when she was having problems with her boyfriend, she mentioned how she knew she was starting to have problems when she came back to school and was not that excited to see her boyfriend after only seeing him three times over the summer. Yet when I first saw her this year she was nearly driven to tears (I think thats mainly because we didnt see each other for a year, because I was abroad though). Anyways I'll update you all when i see her next, but I would definitely appreciate more advice, especially from the women.

09-27-2003, 05:35 PM	#11 (permalink)
jerseyboy Insane	I know I should be able to talk to her about this sort of thing, I have spoken to her about a lot of other more sensitive things. The problem is though as you described it, I dont want to risk losing the friendship. I value this friendship more than any other I have ever had, and I dont want to lose it. As for her coming on to other guys, if she ever does go out with me, I doubt that will happen. She and I have pretty much had a typical boyfriend/girlfriend relationship minus the physicality stuff, and she I are probably closer to each other on a lot more levels than she is with her current boyfriend. I only think that she has begun to see me in a new light since her current relationship has started to go sour. And its not like she really did anything that bad, she made one passing comment, and then held hands with me shortly before falling asleep. Its the fact that in the comment she mentioned that her boyfriend knew and didnt care that gets me most. First of all it shows that they speak about me, and secondly and most importantly is the he doesnt care part which both confuses me and makes me think that they are on the verge of breaking up. I dunno, all I know is that I really want to speak to her about it, but I know that that would be a very very bad idea.

09-27-2003, 05:52 PM	#12 (permalink)
minyn young and in bloom Location: under the bodhi tree.... bling	Hey, two cents from a gal. Take it with a grain of salt. Firstly, no jumping to conclusions. she's mad at herself as it is, she needs to straighten things out, and let her do that. I doubt she regrets what she said, but i really doubt she wants things to change. Alcohol makes people honest in a strange way..... the way that gets people in trouble. you know, you (or at least i) say what i think but i know i shoudlnt say... just yet at least. So the moral? stand back, stay her friend. dont take action, let things play out. Her boyfriend and she will appreciate that. if its meant to happen, it will. and last.... good luck! __________________ "Woke up this morning with a blue moon in my eye" ~A3 "woke up this morning" "Don't compromise yourself, you're all you've got." -Janis Joplin

09-28-2003, 09:35 AM	#13 (permalink)
wry1 Loser Location: Far too far from my Angel....	If she brings up the topic during your Tuesday-night coffee, then just tell her that the only thing she did was get your hopes up..... she didn't make a fool of herself and has nothing to be ashamed of. But I wouldn't recommend bringing up the topic first. As for everybody else's comments, they all have their own merits and you really need to decide what you want to take from each of them (if anything). After all, you're the one who's going to have to deal with this issue - we're just here for moral support and advice. Good luck, be casual, and most importantly: Be there for her. If she really needs a friend, be that. When she want's a new boyfriend, make sure your name is out there for consideration. But don't rush it.

09-28-2003, 10:39 AM	#14 (permalink)
jerseyboy Insane	Thank you all again for the advice and support. I think the reason I am getting excited here, is that this is the biggest opportunity I've ever had with this girl and I dont want to blow it by just sitting on the sidelines and not doing anything, I have missed far too many opportunities in the past with other people by doing that. As for Tuesday night coffee, I wasnt planning on bringing up anything she said thursday night or the hand holding but just mentioning how it was a fun night and how I cant wait for the next senior pub nite. I know I am definitely not going to tell her she got my hopes up, because although I think she has an idea that I like her, nothing explicit has ever been really stated between us. Irregardless of what happens between us, I am always going to be there for her. We've both supported each other in difficult times in the past, and I have no reason not to do the same now. I have never helped her out before simply because I was looking to get some action, I supported her because she was a friend of mine and I dont want anything for her but happiness.

09-28-2003, 01:40 PM	#15 (permalink)
Sapper Insane Location: The Internet	Above all else, remember ... all good things shall come to pass. Just be patient - why ruin a good friendship with pressures? __________________ rm -f /bin/laden

10-01-2003, 03:50 AM	#16 (permalink)
jerseyboy Insane	Well we met last night and it looks like I am back to square one with this girl. The conversation proceeded between us as if nothing at all happened. We spoke briefly about Thursday night, but nothing about what went down between us just basically about how it was fun. Oh well looks like she is ignoring the situation and I will have to go back to pining after her. Thanks for the advice.

10-01-2003, 08:34 AM	#17 (permalink)
sailor beauty in the breakdown Location: Chapel Hill, NC	Yeah, Im sorry man. Ive been in almost the same situation--it sucks. Good luck, maybe things will work out in the end. __________________ "Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws." --Plato

10-01-2003, 10:11 AM	#18 (permalink)
sigma1042 Crazy	you shouldn't let her not bring it up next time you talk to her, you bring it up ask if she remembers what she said, tell her what she said , if she thinks that and meant it, say you didn't bring it up before cause you wondered if she would, but you couldn't stop thinking about it me and my chick (of the past 4 yrs) started kind of similar way we both needed some liquor to get enough courage to say or do anything, we partied, she "fell asleep" on my couch that we just crashed on, i gave her a kiss on the cheek, then we laid there both awake (but pretending to sleep) saying nothing, waiting for the other one to make a move, then both really fell asleep, at some point i got into bed we didn't talk about for 2 weeks cause we didn't see too much of each other, when we did we didn't discuss it, only to deny the hookup that didn't actually happen then i brought it up when she was crashing on my couch again after a party, she said she was awake the whole and really wanted me to have kissed her again that night then we made out, etc, etc and started dating afterwards __________________ [Arthur] HA HA HA HA, It's a little joke![/Arthur]

10-02-2003, 11:59 AM	#21 (permalink)
Queen Dido Upright Location: Vancouver, CA	What the hell... I'm old, but I still remember what it was like to be a young woman in college... sometimes in love, sometimes drunk, but always confused about my own feelings. I had boyfriends and I had friends who were male. Frankly, I enjoyed my time with the latter more and it always confused the hell out of me. The boyfriends got the ol' hormones going in a way the male friends generally didn't, but they were often jerks. The friends, on the other hand, were people I could relax with more than I could with the boyfriends. In retrospect, I could relax because the sex issue wan't there. Nothing to prove. Eventually, I found a friend who, for watever reasons, sent my hormones racing. We would talk for hours about anything and everything (but not sex) and I would go to bed horny as hell. It took a while, but we eventually moved from friends to lovers. That was 25 years and 3 kids ago. We're still together, we still talk about everything, and the sex is great. The question is: are you that one guy for her -- the one that combines the companionship, the friendship, and the spark? If so, don't give up. Boyfriends pass; friends are forever. True friends who become lovers can be forever too. __________________ Carthage Rules! - Queen Dido

10-02-2003, 01:42 PM	#22 (permalink)
jerseyboy Insane	Thank you all once again for all the advice. I really dont know where I stand with the girl. I always figured I was just the nice friend who didnt get the hormones racing, so I really didnt get too tied up in knots about not having her and I actively seeked others. Its just the way she acted towards me last week combined with the fact that she has been having problems with her boyfriend that has gotten me excited. As of right now I dont know what the status of her relationship with her boyfriend is. She told me they were having trouble about 2 weeks ago, and they had actually sorta broken up for about a day. Then they got back together and were taking it day by day. I'd really like to know what is going on now, but I dont feel exactly comfortable coming out and asking her.

10-02-2003, 10:46 PM	#23 (permalink)
Johnny Rotten lost and found Location: Berkeley	You've been friended, man. I hate to tell you. Every sign she's given has been largely platonic. If she's casual when sober, then there is no spark. I have been there, back in high school, pining away for this one girl. She won't magically realize anything about you or her boyfriend. There are so many fish in the sea, though, so many intelligent, lovely ladies right under your nose, I'll bet. She'll probably start acting wierd when you get interested in a girl, but be strong against her reaction. Don't let her tug at you. Let her know that you're no less her friend when you're with another girl than you are when you're with her. If she still tugs, she's just being selfish. __________________ "The idea that money doesn't buy you happiness is a lie put about by the rich, to stop the poor from killing them." -- Michael Caine

10-02-2003, 11:05 PM	#24 (permalink)
stonecurran Crazy Location: australia	just be a friend to her and be patient. good things come to thoughs who wait. don t take what she said to you when she was drunk to heart wait until she says it sober

10-06-2003, 01:19 PM	#26 (permalink)
jerseyboy Insane	Just thought I would offer you all an updated to the boring soap opera that is my nonexistant love life. So last night the girl I like organised a birthday dinner for her former room mate who I also happen to be friends with. Her boyfriend knows the girl as well so I figured that he would definitely be there, but alas he was not. This definitely had me wondering so I was going to ask her about it, but luckily someone did it before I had the chance to. Unfortunately I was distracted so I didnt hear her full response but she seems to kind of skirt the topic, and not address it fully. We are meeting again for coffee tomorrow, so I am gonna try to get to the bottom of this and see what is up. I just have one question. What do I do if she asks me for advice about her relationship. Obviously I cant express my true feelings that she dump him for me, but I also dont feel as if I should tell her to work things through, as that would be working against my agenda. What do I say.

10-06-2003, 08:16 PM	#27 (permalink)
hobo Archangel of Change	well, give her advice that will bring temporary peace between them, but not have them running into each other's arms. like don't recommend anything romantic or somehting like that but just something that'll clear the air between them. if he was a jerkass then she should dump him.

10-06-2003, 09:11 PM	#29 (permalink)
Harmonia Upright Location: Minnesota	Alcohol and Pot: The Truth Serums Just wait until she is sober, hon.

10-06-2003, 09:30 PM	#30 (permalink)
hparcins Upright	Harmonia is right. When Im high or drunk (mainly drunk) I say a LOT of shit I would never say, but definitely mean. I told some chick she was so hot I would eat her asshole the other day, after like 15 natty ices. I got her number, however I doubt I will eat her asshole. That doesn't mean I wouldn't, though. My advice: Break out the tools and lay some pipe on this chick.

10-07-2003, 03:16 PM	#31 (permalink)
tekaweni It wasnt me Location: Scotland	3 years of pining for her have not gone unnoticed, and under the 'fluence she felt safe to lean on you. I think its more to do with problems with her b/f than suddenly liking you though (sorry) Having said that, I'd hang in there. Youre both young, her b/f will no doubt leave her or get left, and who'll be right there? Good luck __________________ If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always gotten

10-07-2003, 05:10 PM	#32 (permalink)
mediajunkie Upright	Hmmm..another thing that might be happening (and I hate to say this) is that she is using you for all the "emotional" feelings that she isn't getting while she is banging the boyfriend. That way she is getting the best of both worlds. Just another option. (and yes I have been burned by females way to many times).

10-07-2003, 08:43 PM	#33 (permalink)
Harshaw Is mad at you. Location: Bored in Sacramento	Ugh, I hadn't even though of the issue mediajunkie just raised, even though I have been there many times. Normally, I think if this were happening to Jerseyboy, she would be doing it infront of her boyfriend. Kind of a wake up call. __________________ This too shall pass.

10-08-2003, 03:26 PM	#34 (permalink)
bananaman Upright	Man this must just about happen to everybody don't it. Well the first time it happened to me I tried to play it cool, but eventually told her how I felt, our relationship lasted a year and a half or so. Second major time I didn't say anything because I felt shitty "stealing" the first girl away from her then boyfriend and swore never to do that again. Well I haven't, and honestly, regret not going for it. Your friendship now is obviously intertwined with the physical attraction you have for her. By the way, I'm still friends with the second girl and its although we are great friends we have plenty of those akward moments where we're about 1 second away from ripping each others clothes off. At least I'd like to think we are.

10-09-2003, 07:26 PM	#35 (permalink)
Carno Guest	I say beat his ass to show her how manly you are and how you'd do anything for her. I've done this several times and I always get the girl. Heh, j/k... Seriously though, I have gone through this several times.. The first few times I never said anything or pushed at all and remained friends wondering "What if?" Eventually I got tired of being the friend, so I started to gently push the subject and force her to say something.. I don't know why I always got bumped over into the friends ladder, but I think it's because I was too nervous and wet to slow. Forcing the issue (in a gentle manner) might be a speed bump with your friendship with her, but you have to ask yourself if you'd rather be her friend or her man. Sometimes it comes down to all or nothing, but you know the saying, "It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." If yall work out, it will most likely be a strong relationship, since it was based on years of friendship. Last edited by Carno; 10-09-2003 at 07:33 PM..

10-11-2003, 07:42 AM	#37 (permalink)
jerseyboy Insane	Well one of the organisations at my school is holding a semi formal next weekend. Two years ago (I was abroad last year) she was there without her boyfriend and we hung out and danced for a bit. I'm gonna try to find out if she will be attending this year without him again. One can always hope.