vveronica

I guess i need other input on this.

I know there is a big difference between bound sex and bdsm, but, why dont guys. Why is it that if I'm into the helpless feeling then I have to be a submissive or a slave. I mean I am sorta small and in play i like to play resisting. It is exciting for me at least, to slowly bound made helpless. It is such a turn on if the guy/s slowly tease and overwhelm me, but i still struggle to hold my defiance...

But so many guys thing immediately start thinking they can dominate and want me to be a sub or slave, just willing do as told and or take abuse.

And i know it is a comunication thing and I DO, then comes the other question how do you make a guy listen!

cliche

I'm not sure (speaking here as a guy who knows the difference...) - perhaps explain when you're doing it, that you like it so you can be teased rather than dominated. Maybe do it to the guy too, a little demonstration..?

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analog

communication. to start with, i'd hope any guy you let tie you up can have a good convo with you and obey the rules. don't foget the safety word!

angela146

OK... I'm a woman. I've never heard of the term "bound sex" although I *think* I understand what you are describing below.

Quote:

Why is it that if I'm into the helpless feeling then I have to be a submissive or a slave. I mean I am sorta small and in play i like to play resisting.

In other words, you don't take orders and you don't submit. You want him to "win the struggle" and claim you.

Quote:

It is exciting for me at least, to slowly bound made helpless.

this sentence is missing some words, please re-state.

Quote:

It is such a turn on if the guy/s slowly tease and overwhelm me, but i still struggle to hold my defiance...

What you are describing *is* domination of a kind. It's just that there's no submission involved and, I assume, no pain.

Quote:

But so many guys thing immediately start thinking they can dominate

This is where I get confused

Quote:

and want me to be a sub or slave, just willing do as told and or take abuse.

This part I understand. No infliction of pain, no expectation that you are going to take orders.

Quote:

And i know it is a comunication thing and I DO, then comes the other question how do you make a guy listen!

I'm sorry, V, but in all honesty, I don't fully understand what you are saying here. If I were going to do this with you (yes, we have a gender difference here but hypothetically), I would need more discussion. *However* I am experienced in having these conversations and I know when I'm not getting it. An inexperienced guy might have difficulty.

Let me come at it from another angle: As I read you, you are *not* looking for a "rape fantasy"? However, can you tell us what the difference is between a "rape fantasy" and what you *do* want?

Now, before I read your answer to all of this, my guess is that you want a man to be stronger than you and "pin you down" while you struggle against him and *maybe* say "no" (which means you need a safe word). You don't want to get hurt, except that he might squeeze your wrists a little too hard or put too much weight on you at the wrong time.

I'm not even sure that you want to be "tied down" with ropes, restraints etc. It sounds like you want to be bound with his physical strength.

Read entry #8 in my journal and let me know if it is along the lines you are describing.

motdakasha

They do it because they are inexperienced putzes. An experienced person would know that every person is looking for something different in BD/SM relationships (and what you describe is a form of BDSM). Usually rules and boundaries are set before anyone attempts anything. So if they jump all over you, they probably don't realize or fully comprehend the concept of boundaries and respect. In which case, I would defenstrate them immediately.

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isandro

I think many men simply don't get the concept of roleplaying during sex and see your playful resistance as an invitation to go caveman on you.

Can't stop thinking of the stories i read from women who told some guy they like to be tied up and end up being hideously abused...that shit just scares the hell out of me!
My advice would be to see if the guy really shares your specific fantasy or atleast has some moderate experience with power/control play. If not, count on being dissapointed.
I think many guys would get nervous in this situation and get unsure of how they're supposed to act (wich is ofcourse exactly what you don't want), so they compensate by getting extra rough.
I've had one relationship where me and my girl experimented with different types of power exchange- bondage, slavery, pain...in the end we figured we really just liked to have rough sex more than the whole mindgame around it.
Anyway, my point is, it was an ongoing process of trying stuff out, anticlimaxes and lots and lots of talking about it.
The longer we went the more we got tuned into each other.
I think the 'longer relation = better sex' rule goes even more for this type of sex.

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oushi

It sounds to me that she's saying that she wants bound sex as opposed to being a sex slave... like she enjoys being bound so that the guy control what happens in bed, but she doesn't want to feel submissive to him.

I believe others have already said it... just make sure to communicate with your partner beforehand and have a safety word just incase it gets a bit too rough.

Halx

It all comes down to education. Some guys just don't know enough about bondage to tell the difference. If you want them to know something, hand 'em a book on each and talk with them about it. Most guys out there have had plain ol' vanilla sex, so if you want something out of them, you gotta teach it to them first.

Or you can come to me

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collide

Isandro, everything you said is right on target. It's definitely less of a mind game for me and more about playing rough as far as my preferences go. The roleplaying is just part of foreplay for me, and I love being teased to the point that I'm all hot and bothered.

When it comes to BDSM, it's best to know what you're getting yourself into, and do it with an experienced person whom you can trust to do it safely. The domme must know your pain threshold, and know when to stop even if you don't use the safeword. There needs to be an understanding that after play time is over, the roles are reset, and playing the submissive or domme no longer applies.

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Cedar

It sounds to me like there's a lot of miscommunication going on, as well as misconception as to what bondage, and further BDSM, is about. Being tied up does not automatically equal BDSM; there are a lot of psychological aspects at play as well. Your post is a little difficult to understand. "Why don't guys" what? Participate? Get turned on? Want to tie you down? If you're asking "Why don't guys want to be tied up?" the answer is, "But they do." Trust me on this. I used to live with a professional domme. Some people are dom(me)s, some are submissives, and some are reversible. Note that just because you have a fantasy that involves you being tied up, your partner may or may not be willing to participate. A lot of it would depend on his comfort level.

As much as it saddens me to say this, men are not mind-readers. Even people who are experienced in the ways of BDSM need to be told first what your boundaries are and what you expect from a session. No matter what you want, you always have to be clear in your words.

Hal, I'm coming to visit you

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motdakasha

Anything involving restraints is included in the term bondage. BDSM is an all-encompassing acronym for anyone who practices any of these: bondage, discipline/dominance, sadism, and/or masochism. Because this is a very generalized term, being tied up DOES automatically equal BDSM.

Here are some links that explain BDSM:
BDSM Handbook
BDSM Backroom
Intro. to BDSM and rope bondage

Many people not familiar with this acronym is supposed to mean and automatically associate it with dominance or pain and forget (or don't know) about the rest of the things that are involved. "The term BDSM is commonly used to refer to the complete spectrum of alternative lifestyle activities. " (This means no matter how vanilla, if it involves any one of the acronyms, it's BDSM.)

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i8one2

Excellent responses!!! very nice and educational, even for me.

I can add this. Before I had a concept of the tying, bondage and power-play realm that I am presently and for ever more am part of, I can tell you about when this type of behavior and introduction by me to another, during my earlier days.

We did do very mild restraining as part of role playing, once once or twice. I have crossed dressed in one manner or another now close to 27 years.
She understood that my(dress dressing) was part of who I was. Closeted if you will, always functioning in a caring, loving devotion and trusting manner towards her. She wanted to understand me and I her, so I introduced her to latex, leather and yes even lace, for she was a very simple(if you will) beautiful lady who had never thought about these things, and neither did her one or two intimate relationships before me. I helped her to understand she could trust me with anything. And along the way, we flirted with little bits of the forbidden. Yet even with the struggled that she had in her life, she trusted me( a man) to tie her hands up and we had the full understanding that this was a game for us, and extensions of all the things we spoke about and not some freaking perverted, harmful actions(which she was taught). the person I speak of was not some young naive lady, but someone in her 30s with many hurdle to overcome in her life.
We always treated each other with kindness and understanding, and the two times we did this type of thing, it was out of trying and enjoying some added little zest things. Bottom line, its all about communication, if that can't be done freely, no one should ever be given this kind of power, even in play!

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