Anonymous Member

So I have been seeing this girl since October, things are going great, we are starting to get more serious, kissed her at new years, blah blah blah, you know the deal. I like her a lot, probably more than I should at this point in the new relationship. She said she made a new years resolution to be more fun, more spontaneous. So she tells me that she is going to a different city this weekend, for the whole weekend. "Cool" I think, sounds like fun for her.
I expressed to her that I was worried, its scary being in a new town all by yourself. No worries she says, she won't be alone, she is taking a friend with her. Oh, I ask, who is going? Mind you, I have not met her friends yet, but she has told me about them. "Chris" she says.... Chris. The guy that the night before I had asked her about, because he is all over her facebook account, tons of comments, posts, the works. Turns out they dated a while ago, I'm not sure of the time frame, but I think it was like a year or so, she said that they never had sex. They were friends before, and they remained friends after they dated. She tells me that she is not sexually attracted to him, and that he is just a good friend. Okay, I say. I have a problem with this. Remember, I have never met this guy...
I probe deeper, and I find out that they are going to share a hotel room... WOAH... what the fuck? She is a very religious person, and I really want to try to trust her, but there is an extent to what I can deal with. I sent her a long ass text message last night, basically saying I can't deal with this, I don't want you to go. It is the edge of what I can deal with, with someone I am dating. If you decide to go, don't bother looking me up when you get back. Am I wrong here? How can this be justified? The thing that bothers me more is that I don't think that she would have told me he was going unless I really asked her about it. This just screams bad to me, it makes me physically ill thinking about it. I feel it's disrespectful to me, and I don't think she gets it. I asked her, "would "Chris" be going with you, if he was seeing someone?" she never texted me back.

How do I express how bad this makes me feel? I want to continue the relationship, but I don't think she gets it. Maybe she's just not that into me, so it doesn't matter that much to her? Even if they went together, shared a room, didn't sleep in the same bed together, and absolutely nothing happened that would have made me uncomfortable, I still am not okay with it. I just want to scream FUCK into the night and be done with it all. What would you guys do? Date women that don't have fucking guy friends is what I am thinking.

Manic_Skafe

You two obviously need to talk.

People don't always do what you want - sounds like you both need to learn how to compromise and be open with each other if this is going to work.

And childishly bitching her out over this only makes things worse. Were I in her shoes, I'd take you up on your threat and dump your ass once you started tossing ultimatums.

...

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Anonymous Member

I'm anon here, how is this childishly bitching? She isn't even a member of this forum...

DomJustCame

I believe the man means "bitching at her over the issue at hand". Anyways, this is another reoccurring theme here in the forum. Men jealous of women and their male friends. There is no doubt that the friendship has the possibility to lead to sex or what have you. In your situation i believe i would be equally upset. A woman in a serious relationship should not be spending hotel rooms with other men, unless there is an abundance of trust but it sounds you are little bit on the paranoid side. Just try not to over exaggerate, act childish, or something else you might regret. It might be best for you both just to break up. No one should have to be that unhappy. Try smoking weed, it helps

spindles

Perhaps actually talking might help too - I must be getting old because texting is for simple messages - not a complex discussion like you are trying to have.

Relationships are all about trust and communication, and as far as I'm concerned sending long text messages is not really an adequate form of communication.

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CinnamonGirl

Honestly, sounds like you're at an impasse. She's definitely going, you're definitely not comfortable with her going. Nothing either of you say is going to make the other feel better.

So...what happens if you don't break up with her? Are you going to bring it up every time she does something you don't like, or every time she wants to hang out with this guy? Are you going to start telling her who she can and can't be friends with if she wants to keep you? Are you going to worry yourself sick whenever she's out on the town (or out of town) with any friends?

If the answer to any of those questions is yes, then do yourself (and her) a favor, and just break it off now. Otherwise, it's gonna get pretty miserable.

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raging moderate

something i've learnt the hard way is to never, ever send a text message when you are emotional. ever. it will not do you any favors. if you feel the need to do so, write the thing out first, save it, wait an appropriate amount of time for you to calm down, then send it. or bettter yet, as others have suggested, just talk it over.

At this point, given that the ultimatum is already out there, you need to talk to her face-to-face, one on one, as soon as possible. Regardless of whether or not you choose to continue the relationship. I'd let her know you overreacted with the text and then calmly tell her that you feel this way in a reasonable manner so she has a chance to react. Odds are if she's as into the relationship as you are, she'll back down given the appropriate chance. if she's not, she'll go anyway, and you two are done with.

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Tusko

fucking wish i had this advice like 3 days ago

ShaniFaye

You sent her that in a text message instead of actually having a conversation about it? You say you're getting serious with her and you go and do a highschoolish thing like that?

I have gone on several trips with guys and shared hotels rooms, yes even with guys I have dated previously and guess what....nothing happened. Im not saying in her case nothing would happen, but its def possible for it to be "innocent". You've let her no in no uncertain terms you've got zero trust for her...so I hope you're prepared to deal with it when she decides she doesnt need the hassle of you in her life anymore.

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highthief

Agreed. Sounds like you are not ready for a high level relationship and it sounds like she's not ready for that either. Sorry, sounds harsh, but that's my take.

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Iliftrocks

It ain't working for you, just leave now, before it gets worse. Personally, I'd not accept the situation either. Sounds like you two already want different things. She wants some freedom to run around ( sexually or not ), and you want to settle down. You may need to reign in your emotions a bit, if you are getting this serious so quickly.

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little_tippler

I wouldn't like it, especially that early on. I might not overreact to it though. I might say something like 'I'm not totally comfortable with you going on a weekend away with him, given past history, especially sharing a room' and see what the response was. If she was understanding and reassuring about it, I'd trust her and let her go. It's too early in your relationship to make demands. Maybe this is something she does regularly with friends, male or otherwise. You're still not in the picture enough to be a factor that way I imagine. It could be that you will never be and she just has a different view on this sort of thing than you. In which case, I think it probably won't work out for the two of you.

It already seems to me that you have a different view on how to function in a meaningful relationship (which I gather is what you are looking for). So, no matter how great she is...she may not be the right woman for you.

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LoganSnake

She, knowing that this is a still blooming relationship, should have been a lot more forthcoming in letting you know her plans. You don't build trust by not telling things like this.

You, should not be sending text messages when you want to talk over an issue. It's absurd, juvenile and downright stupid. It's impersonal and, frankly, if I had gotten one from my girlfriend on an important issue, I'd just think that she doesn't give enough of a shit to openly talk to me face to face, or at the very least on the phone about it.

Fuck, I sound old. Get off my lawn!

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captaincanada84

Your distrust of the situation is pretty understandable I think. Really the best thing you can do is sit down and talk to her about it, tell her what its making you feel.

Anonymous Member

Lots of people harping about text messages... We text message each other, usually all day, every day for the past month, and we have had some very complex and important conversations over text message. I don't see a problem there.

spindles

The point I was making was that the nuances of conversation can be easily misinterpreted when using text. They way you say something is almost is important as the words you use. Facial expressions, tone, body language - none of these are possible in a text message.

edit - it might also be that I was alive before mobile phones even existed and thus had to learn to converse on a more personal level.

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captaincanada84

There really is nothing wrong with talking over text messages, my girlfriend and I text pretty much all day when we're apart. But I do think there are certain conversations that are much more appropriate for talks in person, rather than through technology.

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LoganSnake

Before text messaging it was "I don't see a problem with having important conversations/arguments over IM/email/letters/telegrams/pigeons/smoke signals." Just because you don't see a problem with it, doesn't mean it isn't impersonal. Sure, you may feel like it is since you're putting your thoughts out there but we humans prefer when we can see and show body language, changes in pitch and intonation, facial expressions and hand gestures. It's what makes conversations personal and a lot more genuine.

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Baraka_Guru

If you won't budge on this, I think you should break it off with her before she breaks it off with you. You might salvage some self-esteem that way.

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snowy

Okay, so let's be clear here: this girl is not your girlfriend and you are getting your panties in a twist over her sharing a hotel room with what is likely just a platonic friend.

You need to calm down. This girl is not your property. She is her own person. If you have not defined what your relationship is, you really have no claim on her. If you wish to be with her, you need to respect her decisions and trust her. Otherwise, you are better off just walking away.

If the shoe was on the other foot--if it was you staying in a hotel room with a friend who was a girl in another town, and the girl you are seeing asked you not to, would you? Would you really give up a fun weekend with a good friend?

The fact of the matter is that every relationship is built on trust. If you cannot trust her--and I am not saying she has done anything in any way to violate your trust, in fact, I think you are being unreasonably jealous for no apparent reason--then you cannot have a relationship.

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Lady Bear Cub

If you can't trust her, dump her. And if she doesn't respect you, dump her.

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lulu_mq

First off, you sound like a weenie. I know it sounds harsh, but really! You say you are pretty serious with this girl right? Wrong. Anyone that i know would never try and dictate who their SO can hangout with go on trips with etc, unless of course they have been together for a number of years and have already discussed how they feel. You have to be willing to give a little to get a little. If you start now by telling her what she can and cannot do you will fail. Trust me and every-other female in here when I say, if she hasn't already dumped you then shes thinking about it, and if shes already thinking about then it's already over. I'm sorry, i truly am... but honestly you should have thought about it all before you sent the childish text, and before you started to try and run her life. You need to gain ground first, and even then be leery on how you react in certain situations. A true and strong relationship is based on trust, communication, the ability to forgive, and to hold no resentment towards one another. I say, work on yourself before you enter into a long term relationship, neither of you are ready.

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Halx

lulu makes a good point. If you're as serious as you say you are, then this shouldn't matter as much as it does. Sounds to me like you're not serious but you want to be, and this other dude poses as an unknown threat. Here's the deal, though. You're dating an independent woman and you have to either be comfortable with her personal decisions or you find someone who puts aside a bit more consideration for you. Your mention of her being religious sets off a few alarms in my head. Many religious girls I've known have been very naive about the affections men show to them. Even when it comes to kissing and such, they're filled with so much anxiety that they don't really understand that kissing leads to sex, leads to relationships, leads to exclusivity. I could be stupidly generalizing here, but I'm getting visions of a friend's ex-roommate - this girl was platonic friends with this guy for years; they were closer than you could imagine. She saw him as just a friend while the guy was head over heels for her. When he finally came out and showed his affections for her, it got a little weird. Your "competition" could be like that guy - the platonic friend who she has binned in the "friend" department for eternity. He may fancy her (why else would he be all over her FB page?) but she might not think anything of him beyond the attention he gives her. So, it is your choice to either trust her and act maturely or go find some situation that doesn't make you insecure.

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Shaindra

You're getting serious but haven't met her friends yet? Have you slept with her yet?

I pretty much agree with the crowd here. If this is a dealbreaker for you, it's a dealbreaker. No need to whine to us about it. Just be prepared for the consequences of your own decisions.

Personally I think it's suspicious. People worthy of my trust are upfront about their plans, particularly plans that involve other people and potentially touchy situations. If the relationship were one of mutual respect, this conversation would've included an opportunity for you to voice your feelings on the matter before decisions were made. Not that your feelings should be allowed to make the decision, but you should've been heard before it was a fait accompli.

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