neveragain

Well I found out not long ago my SO has been online chatting with a few girls, no biggie well until I learned it wasn't just chatting, it was dirty talking and picture exchanging. When I brought it up to him and explained that it upset me and asked why he did it , he told me its like porn to him. So my question is Do you consider sexual messaging a porn fix, cheating , just fun or what. Would like some insight on this as I just don't see how they can be considered the same as porn.

Nisses

Sounds to me like he's making excuses.

But really, you'll hear it plenty more from other people here I suppose: The line is where you feel it should be.
If it bothers you, speak up about it, communicate with eachother, and try to find a solution.
If you can't deal with this, then he needs to respect your boundaries.

Same in the other direction.

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Xerxys

It depends on the proximity of the people he's chatting with. Some people just want to make friends and sexy talk is always very interesting. It is kind of like porn but I think it is important that you try as you might to open your perspective on this or ask him to kick the habit. It's what a relationship is about.

Meditrina

My SO was doing this also. I tried to convince myself that it was ok, that it was just like looking at porn. I tried to open my perspective on this, and I just couldn't. What did these girls have that I didn't? If things were so bad between us, why didn't he talk to me instead of them? It made me feel inadequate in so many ways. It became more like emotional cheating. Then he left me for someone he met online. I don't want to say that is what will happen to you... every situation is different, I can only tell you how I felt. It bothered me tremendously that he was doing this and I spoke to him several times. He never understood why it bothered me so much, but would stop for a little bit. Then would start doing it again. We obviously didn't see eye to eye on this. If it bothers you, you have to tell him. If he does not respect your feelings about this, and continues, I fear it would not end well for you. Don't let your feelings go unacknowledged for too long, it will start to eat away at you. and don't let him push your feelings aside.

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neveragain

Meditrina, I feel the same way, he stops for a bit then starts again, but its just about always secretive. I've address my concerns to him many many times, with him only to say I come home to you that's all that matters and don't mean what I'm saying to them, I told him how was I suppose to believe that when he tells these girls the same thing he tells me. IDK just seems odd, I feel at times I'm not good enough and he needs these other women to make him feel better and it just eats at me. I wish he could respect fact it does bother me and just stop beginning to think its an addiction

Shaindra

Nope, not porn. Porn is passive. This is something else entirely.

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wooÐs

If he's conversing with women other than you to get off, he's cheating.

ratbastid

The problem isn't the behavior, or any quibbles like frequency, likelihood of real-world hookup, etc, etc. The problem is the secrecy around it.

People. If you're doing something you can't tell your partner about, that's cheating.

little_tippler

that is true ratbastid. But clearly that has already been established in this case. He did not tell her beforehand and then seems to have hidden the whole truth when she found out about his chatting.

So where to go from here? You need to talk this through. Decide where your boundaries lie.

For myself, I would not be ok with this. Here is why: the fact that there is a regularity with these girls opens the way for more than just 'exchanging porn'. Call me insecure but that's how I feel. In terms of an intimate, emotional relationship, I am not ok with doing that with more than one person at once. I don't feel I need to allow this sort of thing to go on if it really grates me enough to make me feel constantly miserable in my relationship. People feel how they feel, and it's not easy to just get around emotions like that. Doesn't mean it's the same for everyone, some people make this kind of situation work, and very well at that.

Also, the fact that it's one on one. If he was, say, looking at naked or semi-naked girls in a public chat situation, as occurs in TFP chat currently (), I wouldn't care. It is more playful, and has no intent other than to show off, arouse and be aroused. There is no one-on-one interaction really. Seems harmless.

I spoke about this with a friend and he said that to him, it depends on whether this interaction is satisfying some sexual need/fantasy of his that his girlfriend is unable to satisfy herself. This opens a whole other can of worms, but let's get past the 'what does she have that I don't' considerations. He said, it's the 'ability to coax a girl out of her pants' that's alluring.

But if you turn that around, and say 'so if a girl decides to speak to one guy, regularly, so he can coax her out of her pants', is her boyfriend going to be quite alright with that?'

We're only human. To the guys, don't tell me you didn't even feel a twinge when I flipped it over.

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World's King

Exactly.


Porn is a one way street. You're not actually engaged in an one on one conversation with the girl that's jamming a dildo in her pussy.

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Fotzlid

That makes no sense. The more people involved, the less harmful it is?

Unless its a porn cam site.

Women can not be coaxed out of their pants if they don't want to. At least in my experience. If the guy didn't know about his SOs exhibitionist tendencies, he doesn't know her very well at all. You are giving the guy in the OP way too much power.

To the OP, if it bothers you that much, just be done with him. You are obviously not compatible on some level and sticking around will not make the situation better. Your other option is to turn into psych-bitch and destroy his will to resist so he lives his life the way you want him to.

Anormalguy

I can only add this: My wife would not be cool with me doing it, & vice a versa.

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grumpyolddude

Back at the time when the internet was new (to me) I got involved in a chat group. I woman in the group seemed to single me out, started sending me some erotica she claimed to have authored. I thought it was fairly harmless until she started sending photos and suggesting things... made me feel kinda sleazy. I broke it off and left the chat group.

It's been said. Not everyone has the same sense of where the boundaries lie. In a successful relationship, that sense should be fairly compatible, recognized and agreed. Too much straying could result in disaster.

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DaniGirl

It is not at all like pornography. The fact that he was hiding it from you shows that he knew what he is doing is wrong. Its not like he is looking at people that he can never meet, he is talking to other women and getting off on it. This is emotional cheating. It makes you wonder what you did wrong. Tell him how you feel, draw the line. You deserve the respect.

levite

Yup, this is not porn. I love me some porn and my honey knows it, and this is something I would never do. Once you have contact with someone you're seeing naked and/or reading their fuck fantasies, you have crossed the line from porn to cybersex. And in my book, that's cheating unless you have permission.

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Dragonlich

I have personally experienced how chatting about sex can lead to more. But that's mainly because the people involved already liked each other a lot, and worked together (opportunity). The reason it started at all, is because the girl wasn't getting enough out of her previous relationship (reason).

If you two have a good relationship, including a healthy sex life, the sex chat shouldn't be a big deal. But I have my doubts about his reasons. As others have said: it's not porn, it's much more like real sex.

You should probably ask why he feels the need to sex chat with other women. IMO, flirting with other women should (at the very least) boost his ego. The flirting itself can be fun too (the hunt, the chase, etc.). Maybe he misses that bit; that might be solved with a bit of roleplaying.

But maybe they "do" things with him that you don't, which can be a sign of problems ahead.

thirdsun

Agreed. Being open and honest about it is the key.

If your partner is doing it surreptitiously behind your back and getting off (masturbating or otherwise achieving sexual gratification without you) it's the same thing as cheating. No way around it.

Whether its actual sex or cybersex, it's still sex because sexual gratification between 2 people is occuring.

LAW2

I can't say it any better than this.

Toaster126

Why is he doing this with them and not you? Have you talked about why he does this or what you can do with him? What does he feel about this? Would he want to stop with them if this was something you guys did together? Is this important enough to you that you want to end things if it doesn't change?

This has nothing to do with porn, or other women.

This has to do with you and him not communicating.

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Tully Mars

Another voice for he's cheating on you. If he's getting off by interacting with another person without your knowledge or permission it's cheating. He can call it whatever he wants, it's cheating.

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curiousbear

So it is ok to watch porn without SO's knowledge?

Plan9

Somehow I read this as sarcasm, which totally made me laugh.

Yes, but only if you've talked about it, they're okay with it, and you feel like your relationship isn't an '80s sitcom.

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curiousbear

I don't tell everything to my SO

But I am glad that I watch porn, visit Tfp and chat with some girls (I thank them)
Leaving the naughtiness apart, the education really was necessary

---------- Post added at 07:07 AM ---------- Previous post was at 07:02 AM ----------

Sorry makes no sense to me

---------- Post added at 07:11 AM ---------- Previous post was at 07:07 AM ----------

How is your relationship with him? If it is perfectly normal filled with fun, purpose and trust - You can let him do it

At the same time, if you get really upset, and if he loves you he will not do it.

Honestly, at least he will be careful and thoughtful enough not to be caught. Say in a family father and mother both are open about porn. Still they exercise extreme caution not to expose it to their children. It is something like that

Plan9

Whoa, how did I miss this landmine? Help me understand this bit: "Show off, arouse and be aroused." Huh. Sounds like porn and yet sounds like gettin' naked with someone other than your SO. Totally sounds like something an oblivious partner might wanna know about... ya know, before they walk into the computer room some evening and see a bunch of naked strangers on cam and their partner in the buff, making a wrinkly hamburger out of their genitalia.

The whole "but other people make it okay (especially if you know them)" thing is swamping my tiny brain. Guess I'm not up on the philosophy these days.

...

All this sexual possession checklist shit in relationships makes me wanna stay single until I start to need erectile dysfunction drugs.

No porn, types of porn, types of cheating... define porn... chat rooms with topless "friends" in it okay, chat rooms with strangers who talk dirty not okay...

Blegch.

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girldetective

Im with Cdaddy on this one.

I dont get the cheating business at all, in any way.

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Cimarron29414

When it comes to the internet, my rule is that I don't do anything in private that I wouldn't do with my SO standing right next to me. Before I act, I ask the question: Would I do this with SO standing here? Works every time for establishing boundaries.

It's clear he can't do the same thing so a line has definitely been crossed. Your reaction to it makes it clear that he has crossed a line. So, you really are asking the wrong question. The right question is "What am I going to do about it?" Leaving this unchecked will result in your relationship ending on his terms, not yours. Don't set yourself up to kick yourself.

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neveragain

I feel the way most of you do as in its "cheating". We have dirty talked, its not just them, he talks to me as well. As stated above I've voiced my concerns with this and discussed how it hurt me that he is/was doing it. He is now where he says its a time killer, and if I wanted I could talk with them too. IDK what to think :/ I'm not gonna say I'm pleased that"Now" he is envolving me, just still confused on why ppl do it if they have a healthy relationship, he has never voiced any concerns or disconcers about our relationship. This has been the only thing he has not been completely open about, and I know a lot off ya'll are gonna say"well if he was dishonest about this what else could he be doing behind her bk" but in all honesty "this" has been the only thing of him that he keeps private. I'm hoping that he'll take my feelings into concern if he does it again, which I don't think he has but if he does.. Thanks everyone for you opinion helped alot

Halx

Cheating is: doing something within a relationship that you're not explicitly or implicitly allowed to do.

Who gives a fuck if it is porn or not. Is he allowed to do it?

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thirdsun

And is it something that you have both agreed upon (communication) as an acceptable extra-sexual activity within your relationship.

Since this activity has upset you (and he should be sensitive and concerned that it has), you need to discover why and discuss it together and decide upon a mutually-acceptable solution.

Toaster126

I'm always confused when people are shocked that people hide things from them or lie when they flip out when they are shown\told the truth. If you hear something you don't want to hear, or that hurts your feelings, make sure you are able to still communicate about it and that the air is open for all of that. Otherwise you will be contributing to what you seem to despise so much.

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"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers." (M. Scott Peck)

gduventree

I might be able to provide some perspective on the topic.

I'm married and I love my wife. We have watched porn together and she has no problems with it. But I still feel this overwhelming need to keep my porn watching and masturbatory practices private.

I think the reason for my secretiveness is because of how I grew up. Sex was never discussed in my household and I would have been mortified if my parents ever found out what I was up to. And as the old saying goes, "old habits die hard."

Not to say that this is the case with the OP, but in my case it explains why I can be so secretive about something and yet be willing to openly discuss the topic should it ever come up.

clavus

If he is getting off with other people, in secret, and you don't like it, then it is cheating.

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savmesom11

That right there...is what would push me to believe that it isn't just porn...sorry. I hope you find the strength to find someone who loves you and respects you, cause he clearly is showing you no respect.

---------- Post added at 08:52 PM ---------- Previous post was at 08:50 PM ----------

Agreed

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Ayashe

Personally, I would consider it cheating and would not tolerate it. A good thing to consider is how you learned of it. Was he secretive about it? Would he be willing to allow you to see the chats? Would he(assuming you were interested) be willing to involve you in these chats? Did they seem personally involved rather than just sexually? Most importantly how did it make you feel? One last clue here would be to ask him if the other parties are aware that he is involved in a relationship. I am willing to put money down on the fact that they are not aware. If it makes you feel badly tell him so and let him know that you feel that it conflicts with your idea of a monogamous relationship. Ask him if he would be willing to stop, or flatly tell him he needs to. See how he responds and take it from there. This is your relationship too!

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Cervantes

I can only add my own voice to the "he's cheating" ensemble in here. He's getting off with other people rather than with his SO, a pretty clear sign that he's come to a point where he has just stopped respecting you and is only in it for his own benefit.

My advice, since I read that he's still trying to justify it through excuses despite having gotten a very clear understanding of how it makes you feel, is: Get out now before the abuse he's putting you through leaves permanent marks in your emotional life.

Remember these very simple words: You deserve to be loved and respected.

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Magpie_1

My view exactly. He's cheating and making excuses about it.

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ChilliNy

I would cut him....but thats just me. It's very suspect what hes doing, sharing pics and chatting is cheating in my book. Think if you were doing it would he be okay?

cyklone

Perhaps one person's porn is another person's cheating. I think the answer is in whether he is willing to reveal all of it to you, or allow you to be a part of it. If he is/was trying keeping it secret from you then I'd say it's cheating.

Lady Bear Cub

i would consider it cheating because they are actually interacting. he's replacing you whether he realizes or admits it.