Tech

i wasn't exactly sure how to describe this issue in a thread title, but my real question is how do i deal with the rage i feel towards my significant other's ex-boyfriend who sexually abused her?

i don't know details about the situation, but the few things she has said are that she was in an "abusive relationship" and that he used to "hit in the face" and "cut" her during sex, because he got off on her pain. she also said "i never let him, but that doesn't mean it didn't happen." frankly, i am not sure i could handle hearing more, and i know she doesn't like to think about it, much less talk about it.

now if it was consensual, then i would have no problem with it. if you wanna be a little freaky with pain then that's your business, but as long as there is mutual consent. it was never consensual for her. the relationship was years ago now, which i would think would make me less furious than if it were the "last boyfriend," but when they were dating she was 15-17, which her young age makes me even MORE infuriated (he is at least 5 years older, i don't recall his exact age).

she no longer allows him to be a part of her life, which i am SO PROUD of her for, but occasionally she gets a facebook message or email or something from him (nothing she ever replies to) or he just comes up in conversation and i just can't think about him without being so filled with rage and wanting to puke at the same time. i was dating a girl in college who was killed by a drunk driver and i had an easier time forgiving his drunk ass than this guy.

i would definitely like to say that no amount of emotion i feel towards him is even half of what she has had to deal with, but still, does anyone have any experience with how to not hate his guts? i don't want to live my life with pent-up rage towards anyone, no matter how deserving. help??

__________________
-Tim-

~I swear sometimes i feel like i'm married to a child.
~You better watch who you're calling a child, Lois, cause if i'm a child than you know what that makes you? a pedophile. and i'll be damned if i'm going to stand here and be lectured by a pervert.

Strange Famous

I dont think its easy.

The truth is that sometimes there *can* be two sides to a story, but if what she has told you as substantially true (which am in no way disputing btw) I personally couldnt deal with it in way other than violence.

I dont think that course should be recomended, but if it does go down dont let it happen in a way hat can screw your life up (ie - witnesses, him being able to identify you after the beating, going to far and for want of a better term having blood on your hands) - dont let the consequenes desroy YOU

__________________
"Do not tell lies, and do not do what you hate,
for all things are plain in the sight of Heaven. For nothing
hidden will not become manifest, and nothing covered will remain
without being uncovered."

The Gospel of Thomas

squeeeb

why don't you feel that way about all the child rapists and sexual abusers and wife beaters living in your town?

i'm not trying to be a smart ass, i'm trying to point out you cant take on everyone's pain as your own. it's bad that it happened, and you can feel disgusted and angry, but you kind of don't have any reason to be as upset by it as you appear to be. if it still bothers her and she can't let it go, if it still affects her, she might need some counseling or help and you should encourage her to get that. you weren't the victim, so your anger doesn't seem proportionate. the fact that the relationship was years ago makes it even more so. you need to understand it happened, and let it go.

__________________
onward to mayhem!

Tech

i think that's just human nature and shouldn't be analyzed too much. people are always hurt more by something happening to someone they know/care about over someone they don't.

you might as well tell a mother who's son was just killed in iraq "why don't you cry this much about all the other soldiers? i'm not trying to be a smartass..."



as to strange famous... while i am very anti-violent (never gotten in a fight in my life), luckily enough i don't think i will ever run into him based on geographics, so i don't have to test my willpower in that regard.

__________________
-Tim-

~I swear sometimes i feel like i'm married to a child.
~You better watch who you're calling a child, Lois, cause if i'm a child than you know what that makes you? a pedophile. and i'll be damned if i'm going to stand here and be lectured by a pervert.

ratbastid

How is this past trauma affecting her now? Does she still carry it around?

If not, my advice is for you to get over it. All you're doing is keeping the memory of it around. She's moved on, you should to.

If so, my advice is for you to do whatever you need to to help HER get over it.

In no case do I recommend going after the guy. If his approaches to her get more frequent or more aggressive, you might step in and shut the guy down (with her approval), but that's really as involved as you should get.

Tech

^ she doesn't really carry it around that i can tell. the question isn't whether or not to let go of it. i know i need to let go of it. i'm looking for someone with experience as to HOW to let go of it. "a lot easier said than done" strikes again

__________________
-Tim-

~I swear sometimes i feel like i'm married to a child.
~You better watch who you're calling a child, Lois, cause if i'm a child than you know what that makes you? a pedophile. and i'll be damned if i'm going to stand here and be lectured by a pervert.

Toaster126

How to let go? How 'bout this: when you and her let it become a chain on your relationship, the ball-gargling taintface is inflicting the exact sort of pain he was getting off to. Don't let him win.

__________________
"The question isn't who is going to let me, it's who is going to stop me." (Ayn Rand)
"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers." (M. Scott Peck)

Strange Famous

If you arent in a position to deal with this cunt physically beacuse of geographical issues the best thing to do is keep your girl close and therefore make certain that nothing like this ever happensto her again.

__________________
"Do not tell lies, and do not do what you hate,
for all things are plain in the sight of Heaven. For nothing
hidden will not become manifest, and nothing covered will remain
without being uncovered."

The Gospel of Thomas

DaniGirl

Well this situation is hard on both sides.

I went threw a situation, not really the same but close and some days it feels like it has just happened then others it feels like something that was told to me and happened to someone else. But on those days that it feels like just yesterday its hard to be close to my husband. I feel so ashamed sometimes and I feel like my husband is paying for what happened. I wish it was not like this but I cant help it.

So I guess I am probably not great at giving advice on this because I'm not in your shoes, and I'm on the opposite side of this situation. All I have to say is be patient. Listen to her and be there for her.

Zeraph

I was "mildly" (nothing I'd want to kill anyone over) abused as a child. You don't let go of it. I don't think its really possible. What you can do is empower yourself so that youre no longer haunted. For me it was martial arts. For others it could be therapy. Gotta find it on your own.

---------- Post added at 05:30 PM ---------- Previous post was at 05:28 PM ----------

Charlatan

If you can't deal with it... get therapy or break things off with her.

__________________
"My hands are on fire. Hands are on fire. Ain't got no more time for all you charlatans and liars."
- Old Man Luedecke

thespian86

I'm going through something far less severe but similar; the girl i am currently dating just went through a very hard relationship that was emotionally abusive. He tended to find ways of emotionally destroying her in situations that involved sex, so our sex life has been moving at a creeping pace.

Not to sound like a dick, but most of the time I wouldn't bother; if they are in a situation where they can't move at a comfortable, normal (to them, not me), pace then they probably shouldn't be in a relationship but this is different; I'm a little more "in" then I would normally be and that makes me happy.

As for the boy i know him. When I found out I was furious, while also surprised that she would of ever given him a chance (way out of his league). Unlike most people I've met with baggage, she is incredibly open, and when she is vague I can tell; we are very good together. I think if I ever run into him I'll want to punch him in the face.

In the end I only care as much as she does. My life with her is now, not before I met her. And I care about who she is now, and part of that was bred in that shitty relationship. I celebrate the strides she makes with me, and by herself, everyday (not that it is a constant "start and stop" relationship; mostly sexual stuff which we are moving through together) . Mostly I just celebrate the fact that I'm dating a fucking gorgeous, intelligent, charming, sexy, caring, original, worthwhile girl, and I make my relationship with her about that. that and us.

It's funny, I actually logged on to post about this. Thanks.

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ME: I officially love coffee more then you now.
EX: uh...
ME: So, not much.

ratbastid

This isn't specific to this circumstance or anything, but in general..... How you let go of something is by letting go of it. I know that doesn't sound very helpful, but bear with me.

Right now you're working on letting go of it, or trying to let go of it, or wondering how to let go of it. Those are all very different from letting go of it. Those are all strategies for NOT letting go of it. Those are ways to hang onto it, while LOOKING like you want to let it go.

How you let it go is, you just let it go. You give up the right to be upset about it, to ever do anything about it. You surrender it to the universe, if those are terms that resonate with you.

It sounds to me like the only person still suffering about this is you. So, you know, you're free to keep doing that if you really want to. But that's optional.

im2smrt4u

While not quite the same, my relationship with Starkizzer is similar. She was abused when she was young by her brother. This makes me furious just thinking about it to type this and I have not wished good things upon him for it.

That said, I just do my best to keep it out of the forefront of my thoughts. That isn't to say I forget about it since I try to be careful not to be too pushy in regards to sex so I don't make her recall her past experiences.

We have been together for over seven years and it never goes away, but it can be much less of an issue.

__________________
Starkizzer Fan Club - President & Founder

thespian86

hmmm. well put. You know, Yoda said "there is no try; there is only do or do not". "They" usually make that sound like a motivator, some sort of tool to make you snap to, when really it is simplistic yet incredible insight. Try is nothing. It is simply the thought, the words. Letting it go is the act of letting it go. In the end, no matter how much therapy, and medications, and bottom's scraped, and etc, the only thing that can get past something is you.

It sucks that it took me 8 years of therapy to learn that; at the same time it doesn't suck at all.

__________________
EX: Whats new?
ME: I officially love coffee more then you now.
EX: uh...
ME: So, not much.

Strange Famous

I was once in a similar position (to a degree) - with the first serious girlfriend I had, when I was 18/19 at uni. The guy never hit her (to the best of my knowledge, if he had things would have gone badly for him in my opinion) but he bullied her emotionally and drove her self confidence down incessantly and relentlessly

She was still with him when we met and she ended the relationship to be with me (to be fair I have to admit with my encourament). He told a few people that he was going to beat the shit out of me, but when I met him he was extremely polite and didnt have any threats to make to my face. At the time and still sometimes now I feel ashamed that I didnt settle things physically with him - but he didnt do anything to start it and I guess I didnt have the guts to start it. I remember being pumped up and just waiting for this cunt to say something out of place to me, but he never did and like I said I wasnt at that age confident enough to kick off of my own accord.

If violence had been involved in his treatment of her then I guess my feelings would have been different, and the situation wouldnt have been resolved in front of witnesses, whichever way it went down and whoever's favour.

__

But looking back now, if I had beaten him up or broken his arms or whatever -it wouldnt have made anything better. It wouldnt have in any way lessened the damage he did this girls self esteem, it wouldnt have helped her at all, I just would have been doing it for my own sake, a selfish act.

Which is why I feel in the case of the OP as hard as it may seem to not take action - 1, because you want to protect her and 2, because you feel like as a man you SHOULD protect her (at least thats how I know I'd feel) - but actually the best thing you can do is help her out of it. As long as the guy doesnt try to get into her life again that probably just means supporting her, and showing her a relationship doesnt have to be that way.

In your case I dont know if Id be emotionally strong enough for it, but it is the best thing you can do for her I think.

__________________
"Do not tell lies, and do not do what you hate,
for all things are plain in the sight of Heaven. For nothing
hidden will not become manifest, and nothing covered will remain
without being uncovered."

The Gospel of Thomas

thespian86

I like the less violent you. It's insightful; less angry. Give her a high five.

Her baggage just seems to be something referenced, not present, in our fairly new relationship. The trepidation I felt going into this was more out of fear of making it worse; like you said, "not being emotionally strong enough". I'm a reliable guy; I'm there. But even so, dealing with things of this nature is trying on both parties. It's no one's fault, it's just the truth.

And I couldn't agree more. I think force is only appropriate when there is no other way to solve it; to protect. I think people have a lot of different definitions of "defending one's self"; mine isn't "attack them there, so we don't have to fight in my backyard" at all. With Ty (the guy) I feel that anything I'd do to him would be for me and completely selfish.

And that's what this is, and it's okay that it is. These feelings are brought on because you care about this person, but the actions you take against that abuser are completely self-indulgent. If he isn't hurting her anymore, the best thing you can do is be the exception; the guy who won't do that to her. If anything, by threatening or lynching this guy, you're only proving to her that you are of the same ilk. Steer clear.

__________________
EX: Whats new?
ME: I officially love coffee more then you now.
EX: uh...
ME: So, not much.