Quote:
Originally Posted by thespian86
I'm going through something far less severe but similar; the girl i am currently dating just went through a very hard relationship that was emotionally abusive. He tended to find ways of emotionally destroying her in situations that involved sex, so our sex life has been moving at a creeping pace.
Not to sound like a dick, but most of the time I wouldn't bother; if they are in a situation where they can't move at a comfortable, normal (to them, not me), pace then they probably shouldn't be in a relationship but this is different; I'm a little more "in" then I would normally be and that makes me happy.
As for the boy i know him. When I found out I was furious, while also surprised that she would of ever given him a chance (way out of his league). Unlike most people I've met with baggage, she is incredibly open, and when she is vague I can tell; we are very good together. I think if I ever run into him I'll want to punch him in the face.
In the end I only care as much as she does. My life with her is now, not before I met her. And I care about who she is now, and part of that was bred in that shitty relationship. I celebrate the strides she makes with me, and by herself, everyday (not that it is a constant "start and stop" relationship; mostly sexual stuff which we are moving through together) . Mostly I just celebrate the fact that I'm dating a fucking gorgeous, intelligent, charming, sexy, caring, original, worthwhile girl, and I make my relationship with her about that. that and us.
It's funny, I actually logged on to post about this. Thanks.
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I was once in a similar position (to a degree) - with the first serious girlfriend I had, when I was 18/19 at uni. The guy never hit her (to the best of my knowledge, if he had things would have gone badly for him in my opinion) but he bullied her emotionally and drove her self confidence down incessantly and relentlessly
She was still with him when we met and she ended the relationship to be with me (to be fair I have to admit with my encourament). He told a few people that he was going to beat the shit out of me, but when I met him he was extremely polite and didnt have any threats to make to my face. At the time and still sometimes now I feel ashamed that I didnt settle things physically with him - but he didnt do anything to start it and I guess I didnt have the guts to start it. I remember being pumped up and just waiting for this cunt to say something out of place to me, but he never did and like I said I wasnt at that age confident enough to kick off of my own accord.
If violence had been involved in his treatment of her then I guess my feelings would have been different, and the situation wouldnt have been resolved in front of witnesses, whichever way it went down and whoever's favour.
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But looking back now, if I had beaten him up or broken his arms or whatever -it wouldnt have made anything better. It wouldnt have in any way lessened the damage he did this girls self esteem, it wouldnt have helped her at all, I just would have been doing it for my own sake, a selfish act.
Which is why I feel in the case of the OP as hard as it may seem to not take action - 1, because you want to protect her and 2, because you feel like as a man you SHOULD protect her (at least thats how I know I'd feel) - but actually the best thing you can do is help her out of it. As long as the guy doesnt try to get into her life again that probably just means supporting her, and showing her a relationship doesnt have to be that way.
In your case I dont know if Id be emotionally strong enough for it, but it is the best thing you can do for her I think.