Quote:
Originally Posted by Strange Famous
I was once in a similar position (to a degree) - with the first serious girlfriend I had, when I was 18/19 at uni. The guy never hit her (to the best of my knowledge, if he had things would have gone badly for him in my opinion) but he bullied her emotionally and drove her self confidence down incessantly and relentlessly
She was still with him when we met and she ended the relationship to be with me (to be fair I have to admit with my encourament). He told a few people that he was going to beat the shit out of me, but when I met him he was extremely polite and didnt have any threats to make to my face. At the time and still sometimes now I feel ashamed that I didnt settle things physically with him - but he didnt do anything to start it and I guess I didnt have the guts to start it. I remember being pumped up and just waiting for this cunt to say something out of place to me, but he never did and like I said I wasnt at that age confident enough to kick off of my own accord.
If violence had been involved in his treatment of her then I guess my feelings would have been different, and the situation wouldnt have been resolved in front of witnesses, whichever way it went down and whoever's favour.
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But looking back now, if I had beaten him up or broken his arms or whatever -it wouldnt have made anything better. It wouldnt have in any way lessened the damage he did this girls self esteem, it wouldnt have helped her at all, I just would have been doing it for my own sake, a selfish act.
Which is why I feel in the case of the OP as hard as it may seem to not take action - 1, because you want to protect her and 2, because you feel like as a man you SHOULD protect her (at least thats how I know I'd feel) - but actually the best thing you can do is help her out of it. As long as the guy doesnt try to get into her life again that probably just means supporting her, and showing her a relationship doesnt have to be that way.
In your case I dont know if Id be emotionally strong enough for it, but it is the best thing you can do for her I think.
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I like the less violent you. It's insightful; less angry. Give her a high five.
Her baggage just seems to be something referenced, not present, in our fairly new relationship. The trepidation I felt going into this was more out of fear of making it worse; like you said, "not being emotionally strong enough". I'm a reliable guy; I'm there. But even so, dealing with things of this nature is trying on both parties. It's no one's fault, it's just the truth.
And I couldn't agree more. I think force is only appropriate when there is no other way to solve it; to protect. I think people have a lot of different definitions of "defending one's self"; mine isn't "attack them there, so we don't have to fight in my backyard" at all. With Ty (the guy) I feel that anything I'd do to him would be for me and completely selfish.
And that's what this is, and it's okay that it is. These feelings are brought on because you care about this person, but the actions you take against that abuser are completely self-indulgent. If he isn't hurting her anymore, the best thing you can do is be the exception; the guy who won't do that to her. If anything, by threatening or lynching this guy, you're only proving to her that you are of the same ilk. Steer clear.