Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community - View Single Post - Dealing with Old Abuse in a New Relationship?

Tech · 07-22-2009, 01:21 PM

i wasn't exactly sure how to describe this issue in a thread title, but my real question is how do i deal with the rage i feel towards my significant other's ex-boyfriend who sexually abused her?

i don't know details about the situation, but the few things she has said are that she was in an "abusive relationship" and that he used to "hit in the face" and "cut" her during sex, because he got off on her pain. she also said "i never let him, but that doesn't mean it didn't happen." frankly, i am not sure i could handle hearing more, and i know she doesn't like to think about it, much less talk about it.

now if it was consensual, then i would have no problem with it. if you wanna be a little freaky with pain then that's your business, but as long as there is mutual consent. it was never consensual for her. the relationship was years ago now, which i would think would make me less furious than if it were the "last boyfriend," but when they were dating she was 15-17, which her young age makes me even MORE infuriated (he is at least 5 years older, i don't recall his exact age).

she no longer allows him to be a part of her life, which i am SO PROUD of her for, but occasionally she gets a facebook message or email or something from him (nothing she ever replies to) or he just comes up in conversation and i just can't think about him without being so filled with rage and wanting to puke at the same time. i was dating a girl in college who was killed by a drunk driver and i had an easier time forgiving his drunk ass than this guy.

i would definitely like to say that no amount of emotion i feel towards him is even half of what she has had to deal with, but still, does anyone have any experience with how to not hate his guts? i don't want to live my life with pent-up rage towards anyone, no matter how deserving. help??

07-22-2009, 01:21 PM	#1 (permalink)
Tech Addict Location: Baltimore MD	Dealing with Old Abuse in a New Relationship? i wasn't exactly sure how to describe this issue in a thread title, but my real question is how do i deal with the rage i feel towards my significant other's ex-boyfriend who sexually abused her? i don't know details about the situation, but the few things she has said are that she was in an "abusive relationship" and that he used to "hit in the face" and "cut" her during sex, because he got off on her pain. she also said "i never let him, but that doesn't mean it didn't happen." frankly, i am not sure i could handle hearing more, and i know she doesn't like to think about it, much less talk about it. now if it was consensual, then i would have no problem with it. if you wanna be a little freaky with pain then that's your business, but as long as there is mutual consent. it was never consensual for her. the relationship was years ago now, which i would think would make me less furious than if it were the "last boyfriend," but when they were dating she was 15-17, which her young age makes me even MORE infuriated (he is at least 5 years older, i don't recall his exact age). she no longer allows him to be a part of her life, which i am SO PROUD of her for, but occasionally she gets a facebook message or email or something from him (nothing she ever replies to) or he just comes up in conversation and i just can't think about him without being so filled with rage and wanting to puke at the same time. i was dating a girl in college who was killed by a drunk driver and i had an easier time forgiving his drunk ass than this guy. i would definitely like to say that no amount of emotion i feel towards him is even half of what she has had to deal with, but still, does anyone have any experience with how to not hate his guts? i don't want to live my life with pent-up rage towards anyone, no matter how deserving. help?? __________________ -Tim- ~I swear sometimes i feel like i'm married to a child. ~You better watch who you're calling a child, Lois, cause if i'm a child than you know what that makes you? a pedophile. and i'll be damned if i'm going to stand here and be lectured by a pervert.