Help with sex life.

[Dead_man]

Hi!

I'm new to this board but after reading around a bit, I feel comfortable enough to ask a question about sex and marriage. It's kind of long and involved, but I want to be completely fair about it rather than have 3 pages of people asking me background questions.

Problem: Wife has sex with me once a month at most.

Statistics:

• Married for 7 years now.
• No real problems in the relationship. (we rarely argue and have no money issues)
• No Kids
• Age - Wife 34, Me 35
• No sexual abuse history in either of us

Issues that might hurt:

• We've both put on a few pounds (still fit though, it's not bad.)
• I spend a lot of time on the computer due to school and work
• Her family is very reserved and she grew up in a very strict household. The family is loose, but come together when necessary.
• My family consists of a few good ones coupled with addicts and deadbeats. I don't communicate much with them.
• Bringing up the topic of sex is a big no-no for her. She will not talk about it.
• She reaches orgasm extremely fast. If i'm not done by then, I either go without or I get a half-assed attempt at an orgasm which means 85% of the time, I end up handling the situation myself.

Relationship otherwise:

• She does most of the cleaning.
• I do pretty much all of the cooking and grocery getting.
• She works 9 hours a day.
• I work 9 hours a day and go to school 3 nights a week.

While i'm being honest, I have to say that as a guy, I don't expect to have to be romantic EVERY FREAKING TIME we make love. What I mean by that is that I don't expect to have to light candles every time or have a bath ready or soft music playing. I've tried it and it doesn't work.

I love my wife, I really do, but i'm becoming pretty bitter. Since I can't talk to her about it and I can't go to couples therapy solo, i'm pretty lost.

[vanblah]

Originally Posted by Dead_man

Bringing up the topic of sex is a big no-no for her. She will not talk about it.

This is the biggest problem. You have to get past this before anything else. You have to find out WHY she won't talk about it--and be understanding. You also have to make sure that she understands how important it is to you. You also have to make sure that you don't come across as whining, demanding or complaining. You may have to actually explain to her that you are not "whining, demanding or complaining."

Open and honest discussion is very difficult and sometimes you have to be brutally explicit.

[curiousbear]

introduce her to Tfp
befriend her close friends
If she orgasms' fast I dont see any problem in that. Because unlike guys girls can orgasm multiple times. (girls correct me if my generalization is wrong)

[ShaniFaye]

Where as girls CAN not all DO, I was 35 before I experienced the bliss of multiple O's (thanks to Dave.... ex hubby or other b/f's never got me there)

so no....its not automatic that "women" can have multiple o's

[MSD]

She won't talk about it. You need to talk about it. It's that simple

[SabrinaFair]

First of all, welcome.

Second, a few questions. Has sex always been a taboo topic, or does this come on the heels of your sexual problems? Actually, bigger question: how long has this been an issue? Y'all have been together quite some time; has once-a-month been the norm the entire seven years? Just curious about the big picture at play here.

[Anormalguy]

To add to what SabrinaFair asked...Was the sex more frequent & more intense when you first hooked up, or has her sex drive always been this low? It's not unusual for the passion to die down a bit after a couple has been together for a while; I know that my wife & I don't go at it like we did 23 years ago (although I wouldn't complain if we still did).

If you can't get her discuss sex, at all, then I'm at a loss as far as giving advice.

[Hyacinthe]

as Sabrina said - Welcome!

I'm very glad you feel comfortable enough to ask questions. Is definitely the way to get to know people on the board and there are so many cool people here it would be a pity not to get to know atleast some of them!

to the TFP members

The other advice given is pretty good - trying to get her to atleast acknowledge there may be a problem and looking at the past frequency of sexual intimacy that is.

To try to make the sex better, when you do have it, you could try intensifying lotions (usually designed for women but work when applied to the head of the penis) or tell her you're using one and then use a numbing lotion (I don't RECCOMEND that but it might help - lying to your partner is never a good idea).

If she's at all kinky you could also try clitoral clamps - they can help to hold off an orgasm, ONLY if she's a very clitorally (is that a word?) stimulated girl though. If she's a G-spot girl that won't help at all.

I kinda of agree with you on the romance front - you shouldn't always have to go the full candles, massage treatment. It's nice on special occasions but not everyday.

Do the two of you have children - if so how old? Any possibility that may be having an effect on her sexually? Or could is be early onset menopause? (I know she's young for it but it DOES happen) that would muck up her hormonal cycle and could be throwing her libido out of whack.

[walkdontwalk]

Dead_man, your relationship is so much like mine that it's creepy (except we're 8 years younger and I do most of the cleaning as well )

Does your wife see sex as very goal-oriented, as in the point of it is for both of you to orgasm and then stop? If she (or you, for that matter) just see sex as a get-from-point-A-to-point-B exercise, it could hurt the quality of the action you're getting.

I'm trying my damndest to get my lady to slow things down, to take more pleasure in the process than the result. It's not really working as well as I had hoped, though - she feels guilty about enjoying herself sexually and self-esteem problems stop us from really letting go and just being in the moment of the whole thing.

I guess the long and short of this is that I'll be watching this thread to see if I can learn anything from what gets said to apply to my own situation...

Best of luck, brother.

[shakran]

All I will say is that it is called making love for a reason, and just because she happens to have a low sex drive does not mean that sex is automatically not important to the relationship. Assuming everything you say is accurate, then she is being rather selfish. A marriage is a partnership, not a dictatorship. There should not be any "I'm flat out not talking about this" topics regarding your life together. Your first goal is not to get her to have sex more often. Your first goal is to figure out how to get her committed enough to the marriage that she's willing to talk about it's problems.

[Dead_man]

Thanks for the replies so far.

I am going to take some time to figure out how to bring it up and then stay on topic.

To answer some questions:

1. Sex was quite frequent when we were just married, though the problem existed already to some degree. One week, we'd have sex three and four times a week. Other weeks were a wasteland of sexual inactivity. I'd come inside from some yard work and see her laying on the sofa with a smile on her face. She'd just masturbated. I don't think she even masturbates any more.

2. Sex, when it happens, is very intense. Much to my dismay, she's like a new 409 bottle. 2 pumps and a squirt. I think it's cute...if I can still be a man and say the word cute, that is. If I do everything right (because certain things have to happen) then she orgasms fast (within 1 to 3 minutes). If I break a chain of events that need to happen, then she lets me finish then I have to finish her off orally.

3. When she has an orgasm from intercourse, she gets very tender, which normally means that I have to stop and we figure out some other way, which again, means I get a phoned-in BJ where I do most of the work, if you get my drift.

The more I write about it, the more problems and other issues I see. It's really hard not being bitter about it.

Thanks for the advice so far. I'm going to figure out a way to talk to her about it. The problem is that i'm a really laid back guy. Neither of us let the little things get to us because they just aren't that important. We do have a pretty open relationship. We communicate when something is bothering us, but the sex thing is just taboo.

I hate forcing arguments, but i'm not a wimpy "yes, dear" kind of guy either. When there is a problem, I let it be known...normally. This case was different in the fact that she's never really denied any discussions before.

The more I think about it, I think the problem is that she's kind of a prude or becoming more of a prude.

[Agnes]

One week, we'd have sex three and four times a week. Other weeks were a wasteland of sexual inactivity

Just a thought...
A woman's sexual response can be very closely tied to her menstrual cycle. For a few days to a week a month, around the time she's ovulating, many women feel a marked increase in sex drive, and a lower rate the rest of the month. It sounds like your wife might be one of those women, and the fact that it's gone from several times a week (one week a month) to one encounter per month, might hint at a hormonal cause? Has she recently started birth control pills or some other form of hormonal contraception? Has she seen a doctor? I think any dramatic change in a woman's sex drive for no other apparent reason warrants a trip to the gynecologist. I also agree with everyone else who says this needs to be addressed between you - it is your life too, after all, and it's not likely to get better on its own.

That said, I have been married over 15 years, and our love life has absolutely ebbed and flowed over the years. Without a doubt, years 5-8 were the hardest in our relationship, and the closest we ever came to ending it was at about the 7 year mark. Hang in there, because it does get easier with time.

[david161]

If you guys aren't talking she might be faking orgasm just to get sex over with quickly. I had a girlfriend who faked it all the time, just to keep sex on her schedule.

My wife has never kicked me out when she comes first. Seems like the rest of the ride is pleasant for her.

Something to consider. Some women are good at faking.

[drewpy]

hey dead man - i can empathize with having a wife that will not talk about sex - at all, period, close the book. its a shame I know. couple observations: my bride started hanging out with older, religious types - and accordingly has few to no friends to support the little "girl talk" that I believe is healthy and helpful - could this happening to your bride? Another thought - you mention "becoming a prude" - well for me my better half has done a 180 - she was extremely playful and adventurous - now is very straight laced about it ... i think its related to backlash response to her view of the oversexedness of our culture and her own attempt to return to love making in a more "chaste and traditional" manner. does your gal ever comment on things like modesty of younger females etc.? I don't have answers - i just see similar signs - I'm trying to reinforce how awesome I think she is, be supportive and assure her of my love - maybe that will help (both of us over time)

[ASU2003]

Does she have body image issues? Do you only have sex with the lights off?

Is it birth control related at all?

Both of you exercising routinely together might help. Or switching BC methods could help too.

Also, try a few new techniques, positions or other things the next time you do have sex.

[beejay]

Let me throw out a scary word: Depression. Sex is one of the first things to go, and unfortunately, if she does get help and does find out that she's clinically depressed, then the meds will also have sexual side effects. At least you will have peace of mind that there is a clinical reason for the lack of sex - and that the condition won't last forever...

[jewels]

I don't expect to have to be romantic EVERY FREAKING TIME we make love.

If you want her to be responsive to your needs, you need to be responsive to hers. If a little romance is all it takes, why not make her feel sexy and desired? Sometimes, it's all in the approach. If she feels she's taken for granted (very common), let her know she's not.

Romance isn't about candles and gifts. It's most likely the intimacy is lacking with both of you exhausted after work. Consider a weekly "date" night or some form of committed time that you can't bow out of. Building the intimacy together may make it easier for her to talk about sex. Be sure to let her know how much you want and need her.

[ratbastid]

I know you started out by disclaiming any bigger marital problems, but my experience is that communication issues almost always show up first in the bedroom. Whatever has her unwilling to talk about sex, has had it fall off the map for her, THAT'S what there is to deal with, and I'd bet $5 it's origin is NOT sexual.

Ask her what she resents you for. Then let her talk, and you listen.

[kel]

FYI, this post is from 6 months ago. Dead Man hasn't logged in since January.

[pornclerk]

Since she is the one who cums so fast, might I suggest you get more foreplay. She will probably be more enthusiastic when giving a BJ then because she hasn't orgasmed yet and is still horny.

Another suggestion might be to keep going after she is done, but use some lubricant. I find I get really dried out after I orgasm as well, so maybe that would help you.

[HannaH13]

[QUOTE=jewels;2647285]If you want her to be responsive to your needs, you need to be responsive to hers. If a little romance is all it takes, why not make her feel sexy and desired? Sometimes, it's all in the approach. If she feels she's taken for granted (very common), let her know she's not.

I'm with Jewels on this. Try re-framing the question from "How do I get what I need?" to "Dear/honey/sweetie/snookums, what can I do to meet your needs?" Start the discussion on a positive note: "I love when we are intimate. Will you tell me what I can do to make our times together more pleasurable for you? (Sounds a little wimpy I know, but trust me on this ... it's a dialogue starter.)

And OBTW ... keep an open mind on the maybe she is faking it issue. Doesn't mean you're bad or the relationship has gone south ... it means she isn't getting what she wants (and the big O may not be it).

In the end ... conversation is the best intercourse. And it will also get you laid!!!!!!

[Halanna]

Originally Posted by Dead_man

Issues that might hurt:

• We've both put on a few pounds (still fit though, it's not bad.)

• This really isn't an issue that "hurts". This is a normal process of aging. Your (and you for that matter) wife will not look 20 when you are 50. There's just nothing you can do about it and that's just the way it is.
  
  
  

  Originally Posted by Dead_man

  Her family is very reserved and she grew up in a very strict household. The family is loose, but come together when necessary.

  Where I would guess that talking about sex or anything sexual was seen as taboo or "bad".
  
  

  Originally Posted by Dead_man

  Bringing up the topic of sex is a big no-no for her. She will not talk about it.

  This is the problem. No matter what anyone here says or even if you got solo therapy, if she won't discuss the matter with you, nothing will ever change. I've been married for 17 years. Communication is the key to any long term relationship. If you can't talk about sex, then sex will not change. How can you try new things? Explore fantasies? Sometimes talking about sex, what, when, where and how you want to do it can be it's own type of foreplay.
  
  

  Originally Posted by Dead_man

  She reaches orgasm extremely fast. If i'm not done by then, I either go without or I get a half-assed attempt at an orgasm which means 85% of the time, I end up handling the situation myself.

I would guess that she reaches orgasm quickly because she is only having sex once a month. It probably has nothing to do with her orgasmic ability. But I do have a question, does she masturbate? If you don't know, this comes back to communication.
As far as you not finishing, then you two are not having sex. What is the point of you two having sex if you don't orgasm too? It seems clear that she is making all the decisions on sex. If you have it, how you have it and whether or not you get to orgasm. This is pretty serious.

Originally Posted by Dead_man

While i'm being honest, I have to say that as a guy, I don't expect to have to be romantic EVERY FREAKING TIME we make love. What I mean by that is that I don't expect to have to light candles every time or have a bath ready or soft music playing. I've tried it and it doesn't work.

There are many different ways long term couples have sex. You can have romantic sex, down and dirty, let's just do it , quickies, slow and tender, fantasy, the list is endless. So no, and I don't think it's just guys. Reminds me of the Robin Williams skit where he's talking about sex and pantomiming the act and he mimics the women who looks at her watch and says, "you almost done, I got shit to do".

Originally Posted by Dead_man

I love my wife, I really do, but i'm becoming pretty bitter. Since I can't talk to her about it and I can't go to couples therapy solo, i'm pretty lost.

This will unfortunately define your marriage from here on out. If you are experiencing bitterness now, it will only get worse and manifest itself in different ways. You need to find a way to tell her that if you don't talk about sex (and all it encompasses) that there are going to be long term problems. Bitterness now is not going to go away. I don't have the answers but you must find a way to open the lines of communication or the marriage may fail, or you may be unhappy and bitter for a very long time.

Maybe she would feel more comfortable talking through writing notes or letters to one another, or speaking about the topic on the phone, or as if you were discussing third parties. The lines of communication need to be opened through whatever means, and soon. If that is in your opinion simply not a possibility, it's going to be a very rough road for you.

Any long term married couple knows that sex is a major part of the connection, the reaffirmation of who they are as a couple and a very important aspect of their relationship. This becomes more important the longer you are married and the longer you deepen that connection as a couple.

It's obvious that you love your wife. I'm sorry sexual issues seem to be the only "sticking" point in your life. I sincerely hope you find or figure out a way to overcome the communication issues and to make the sexual side of your union as happy as the rest.

[Anonymous Member]

I'm in a similar situation to yourself.

- Good relationship outside of the bedroom
- Quantity of sex has decreased over the years
- She doesn't want to talk about sex, doesn't want to go to couple's therapy
- I'm very frustrated about it, but can't seem to convey it across to her. Mostly frustrated at her refusal to communicate about it.



One question to you: Is she aware of how upsetting the situation is to you? And how much damage this might be doing to your relationship?

If you have trouble communicating this to her, you might want to speak with a therapist individually, on how to best communicate the degree of your dispair to her.

[Halanna]

Originally Posted by Anonymous Member

One question to you: Is she aware of how upsetting the situation is to you? And how much damage this might be doing to your relationship?

I think this is a very good point and a very good question.