Nurse Betty

I've been in a two year relationship with a more sexually experienced man. He definately has more kinks than I am used to, and I have tried several things to keep up. We're talking bondage, riding crops, ropes, blindfolds dominatrix shit. I want to fulfill his needs and I've tried to get him to open up and tell me what his fantasies are, but I think he's holding back. Do I just beat it out of him during play, and 'accidently' forget the safe word? (I'm joking of course) But that's not my only beef about the senario. I feel like I am doing all of the work to keep our sex life alive and kicking. For once I would like to be the one that he does something special for. Passion is dependent on novelty and discovery. When we have routine sex, it really kills the passion for me. I want to get him to want me so intensly that he is overcome with desire. How do I get the same effort from him? Maybe I've been spoiling him by always taking the initiative. I just don't know anymore..... Any suggestions?

Manic_Skafe

Have you tried telling him this?

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inBOIL

Hell no. Talk to him about your concerns when you two aren't having sex (or about to have sex).

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Plan9

+1. The Gospel according to St. Skafe and St. InBoil. Now and forever. Amen.

...

Frank communication is absolutely key. Use the words you're afraid to say. Keep the discussion focused by using those famous "I feel" and "I think" statements. Take deep breaths, don't interrupt regardless of how tempting it may be, and stress the fact that you are inquiring not out of dissatisfaction, but that you wish to improve the relationship.

Also make sure the time and place allows for 100% attention. No bringing it up post coitus or while a Playstation 2 is running.

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Whatever you can carry.

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Nurse Betty

I've tried talking to him. I'm afraid that he may just be a lazy lover.

Shaindra

Wait, he has all these kinks...but expects *you* to do all the work? Who is the submissive, you or him?

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healer

You have to make him aware of your concerns. Make sure that he understands exactly what you're saying by being direct and clear - if you're all wishy-washy about it, it won't be nearly as effective.

He should understand that you're trying to get to know him better, thereby strengthening your relationship (as well as your relations).

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Nurse Betty

I'm the dominant. He likes to be told what to do, but sometimes I want to be persued. I would like to feel wanted and desired. For once I want to be dominated, or romanced or made to feel special. I just don't know if he has it in him

hunnychile

I couldn't handle always being the dominant lover! It's great sometimes!

Seems like You need to play some games with reversed roles and see if he enjoys that...or find some fantasies that are "you do that, and I'll do this..." and see what happens. Don't give up too soon though!! Perhaps avoiding labels that even hint of who is dom or sub is a key in this instance.

Too many rules are a huge turn off. Most agree about that. This can be salvaged.

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inBOIL

Have you tried dominating in such a way that the onus is on him to be creative? Get him tied/restrained/into a chastity device and tell him that he won't get (whatever he enjoys) until he convinces you to give it to him. How he attempts to convince you is up to him. Of course, this doesn't address all of your concerns, but it can be a fun way to make him demonstrate his desire for you.

__________________
And you believe Bush and the liberals and divorced parents and gays and blacks and the Christian right and fossil fuels and Xbox are all to blame, meanwhile you yourselves create an ad where your kid hits you in the head with a baseball and you don't understand the message that the problem is you.

Shaindra

Well, being the dominant does put most of the impetus on you to make things happen, however, the fact that you, even as the dominant, do not feel desired is a problem. My recommendation is to talk to him about your dissatisfaction. Regardless of the games in the bedroom, both parties deserve to feel desired and wanted.

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"Never regret something that once made you smile."

Nurse Betty

Well, I will give all of your advice a try. Thank you for your help. I REALLY like the idea that inBOIL had.

sourgirl

Hi Nurse Betty.

May I suggest giving him an assignment to write in a letter to specifically say what his desires are, and perhaps you do the same. Exchange the letters in an informal setting..not the bedroom or dungeon.

As a submissive myself, I have a hard time saying what I need. Writing it out is a way I overcome that obstacle.

Good luck!

I like InBoil's suggestion too.

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The statement above is false.

MSD

I'll be the fatalist and say that you two might just be sexually incompatible.

MrLatte

Having an un-satisfying sex life is just as bad as having an un-appealing love life. If there is no heat of the moment passion from time to time then there is nothing there for you to enjoy. Yes you could get the satisfaction from making your partner happy, but sooner or later like you are now, you will eventually stop one day during sex and say "Look, i've done everything when is it my turn?"

james t kirk

My guess is that you are not extreme enough for him.

He's probably a hard core submissive and he knows in his heart that you are not, but he's hoping. He's probably embarassed by his fantasies and that's the reason he won't open up to you.

http://www.elisesutton.com/


Might explain a bit more of the male submissive mind to you,

I've dabbled in the BDSM thing, but find the "lifestyle" to be both contrived and exhausting. I've determined that BDSM is most enjoyable when it is an occasional bedroom kink. Since I've played both roles, these would be my observations.

1. Being a dom is hard work and involves a lot of creativity.
2. Being a dom, you'd better know what you're doing.
3. A good dom is very very very hard to find.
4. Most women and most men enjoy being the submissive partner. As such, there is a numbers imbalance.

Bondage, ropes and such are BDSM 101.

You probably need to escalate it to:

Humiliation
Cock and Ball Torture
Forced Bi (on his part)
Golden showers
Cuckholding
Cuckholding with cleanup
Pegging
Chastity Belts - CB 6000, etc
Femininzation
Forced sex servatude
Piercings

etc. etc. etc.

Are you prepared to take it to that level?

My guess would be that you are not cut out for it and therefore, and there's nothing wrong with that, and as a result, you and he are incompatible.

thirdsun

Well, on the surface of it, it sounds like you have a basic incompatibility. If his kink is indeed to be always submissive and never initiate, yet you want someone who will initiate sometimes and perhaps dominate, then you have a core difference in sexual tastes and aims. In my experience, core differences like these are hard to overcome. If you can't arrive at a mutually agreeable solution, then you have to face the inevitable breakup or learn to be satisified with less than what you desire. And so will he.

ratbastid

Yeah, that's the thing with D/s sex. The submissive is in total control, because they set the limits, the sit back and have things done to them, and they get to say when it's over. It seems like the dom is in charge, but s/he's totally not.

Try denying him what he wants next time. That'll drive him REALLY nuts.

thirdsun

Alternatively (pun intended), you can learn to see his submissiveness as a form of initiation--especially if he is content to play the role whenever (and I literally mean whenever) you feel like having sex. In other words, if his submissiveness is always "on" then you can take advantage of that (so to speak) as it pleases you.

As the Dom, you can direct him to be more agressive with you or to do whatever it is you want done, whenever you want it done (assuming whatever limitations you have otherwise--schedules, kids, etc.). For example, tell him you want to come home to a dark house, be thrown on the bed, and then fill-in-the-blank (i.e., however you define being treated aggressively).

Give him very specific directions. In other words, your imagination is the only limit if he is truly as submissive and kinky and sexually experienced as your OP indicates. Take responsibility yourself for upping the kink a couple of notches and see what happens...

Redlemon

For getting your needs; check out the forms at Great Sex Games - Help Files .

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