damage from sexually abusive relationships - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

Anonymous Member · 02-24-2009, 08:23 PM

i was talking to an old friend of mine earlier tonight and he told me that he had just learned that his girlfriend was in a sexually abusive relationship a while back and that she was crying about it. scary stuff. she just suddenly came out with it after a year of dating him. he didn't know how to react and said he felt horrible because all he could do was nod and comfort her like a sympathetic blow-up doll. he was as troubled with the situation as i seem to find myself troubled by my thoughts right now.

i counted it up and over half of the women i've been with in my life have been sexually attacked or abused at some point in their lives. it ranges from a one time thing at a party to a year-long relationship they couldn't seem to end or get out of.

the thing that gets me is that they always seem so normal. they keep it hidden inside due to shame and denial and things I can figure out and yet not. and judging from how physical some of them have been in bed you'd swear they couldn't get enough sex. even after learning one girlfriend had been abused by a previous partner, it still always surprised an shocked me when the next one would tell a similar story.

it horrifies me to think that my intimate partners have suffered through such agony. it makes you, as a partner, feel useless regardless of any action you take. it is something i will never really understand. it makes me so angry and sick inside to think about.

i assume that a woman is never the same after such a thing and yet somehow it has happened to so many women i've known and it remains hidden under the surface.

how does it change things in a relationship and how should i react when I'm confronted with it again?

Manic_Skafe · 02-24-2009, 08:34 PM

This is something that's always amazed me - I've never dated a woman that hasn't been sexually abused or accosted in some way or another and it's disgusting how commonplace this is. How does it change things in a relations? I'd imagine that varies quite a bit since I'd spend hours listening to an ex cry over the phone about things that happened decades ago yet she was perfectly fine in bed and just as intimate as anyone else.

I suppose the most appropriate thing to do is just be supportive and listen and suggest therapy if it's needed.

Anonymous Member · 02-24-2009, 09:39 PM

I seem perfectly normal to most people too, well now I do at least. I was raped in August of 08 so, so like six months ago. It's tough because it's hard for my boyfriend to understand or relate and I understand that. I think the best thing you can do is make sure she isn't still blaming herself (therapy may be in order for that) and be there for her. Be cautious about broaching the subject of therapy, some women won't like the idea.

Also, understand what happened to her and don't remind her of it. For example, there are certain positions I just can't handle anymore.

I hope that helps, dunno what else I can add from the other side of this issue.

JamesB · 02-24-2009, 11:37 PM

F*** I hate 50% of guys out there. Actually, probably more like 75%. Why? Abusers.

What the hell is wrong with guys? I have been in a number of relationships and all but 1 have had an abused past. It can really make things difficult for everyone involved.

Starkizzer · 02-25-2009, 01:02 AM

While I have only had one sexual partner and he has been great with me I have suffered sexual abuse when I was younger. However it was from my brother. I told no one of it until I was 18 and I finally told my mom and dad.

I started dating my SO soon after this and I told him right away, I figured he had the right to know if I started acting weird. It didn't affect our sex life much in the beginning but a few years into the relationship I realized it was seeping out of me in a way I didn't like. I was angry for no reason and I would get irrationally mad at my SO during fights. I had a breaking point when I got so mad I hit and shoved him, and I'm no weakling. He just about had enough and I broke down felt awful and promised I would go to counseling. I did, things improved I finally told the rest of my family which helped immensely. Telling people is almost cathartic for me, it helps me to not feel ashamed anymore. I hid it for so long that I think that is why I will not post this under anonymous.

The only way this affects me now is that it makes me apprehensive to have children or at least more than one. I know its irrational to think that the same thing might happen but it seems to be a feeling that I cannot shake.

Deltona Couple · 02-25-2009, 08:31 AM

Having an SO who has suffered ANY kind of abuse, sexual or not is a difficult hill to climb. I have had relationships as well where my GF was abused in one way or another, and it can drastically affect how your relationship develops. From arguments to total flip-outs, you have a lifetime of having to watch every step you take. The best thing for ANYONE who has been a victim is to come forth and tell someone, ANYONE and try to get some help. I have lost track of how many women I have know that just live with an abuser because they either think it is THEIR fault, or that things will change, or the WORST case, the woman thinks she deserves it. Personally I have told many guys who have dated my friends that if I EVER hear of them being abusive, they better move out of the state, cause I am going to hunt them down. I have no sympathy for abusers.

That being said, I again stress that abused people need to reach out to ANYONE so that they can get the help that is needed.

As far as the OP, I feel for your friend, I really do. They need to understand that at times she is going to react based on instinct, rather than thought, so keep that in mind. Also make sure that in a relationship like this you communicate with her. Keeping lines of communication open is ESPECIALLY needed in a situation like this. She needs to know that you won't treat her like "that other guy." But also understand that at times, she might be in a rut where she won't believe you. Many abused victims feel that no matter WHAT they do, the next SO they get will be an abuser too. Make sure that you are there for her when she needs you, and have an honest relationship with her.

Many people think that a relationship involving an abused person is doomed, but it is not true. I have been with my wife now for 11 years+ and because we talk to each other about EVERYTHING, we have made it work. Yes there are even times today where we have been doing something and she gets this look, and I know that a memory flashed into her head. So we change things up, communicate (even at times non-verbally) and go on from there.

Good luck to your friend's SO. I hope she gets the help she needs and that they can grow and thrive in the future.

The Fluffy One · 02-26-2009, 12:30 AM

I can tell you stories of how it affects someone.... cause I've been down that road, and only this year did I come to terms with it and actually realize it.. really was abuse.

I've only had two serious relationships and sexual partners in my life time (I'm only 19 mind you) and my last one was abusive to me verbally and sexually, I won't go into too much detail, but it does affect someone greatfully. I was a girl who LOVED to pleasure her men and loved sex in general, I'm a very loving person and I treat my boyfriends with alot of love and respect, the last one I would cook and bake, make things for him (I draw, make kandi bracelets, etc), I would make all the time in the world for him, push my friends and studies away when he needed me, I'd buy him little things (one of those little things being a 80gb Ipod in a matter of a couple months), and he used all that, and I found out all he really cared about was sex, and would go so far as to rape...

After everything happened, which mind you it all ended around the middle of December of last year, I've now become very paranoid and anxious, I don't enjoy sex like I use to, infact I'm scared of it and I feel many time of the day that I'm just meant to be used for sexual pleasure and nothing more. Love just isn't the same for me at the moment, and it'll be a long process before things get better. I'm very good at hiding it, and the scary thing about it is I can talk about it casually (if brought up) like nothing is bothering or possibly that I'm bullshitting, I dunno why... I guess it's kinda like a defense mechism.

It affects a relationship I think because it's hard to trust someone fully after that, and it's hard not to feel like a burden or a piece of meat, I KNOW I'm not, but it's hard to think otherwise sometimes. Plus certain things can bring up the memories, and make it even harder to move on or be in a stable relationship. The best thing I can say it, just be there for her, and take it slow with your partners, don't press pass the comfort zone, if she doesn't want it or is upset, just understand why and be there for her. Most of the time all they want I think (I do) is someone they can trust and who will make them smile and laugh, make them feel like it's ok to open themselves again and not worry about being abused or left for dead.

Depressing post, sorry D:

Starkizzer · 02-26-2009, 12:49 AM

DC I completely agree with you. I was one of the ones who felt I "deserved" it. Many things in my life growing up were negative and made my life difficult and these things only fueled the fire under the "I must deserve this" mindset. I have since gotten over that though it took a long time.

I do not regret what has happened to me in my life I feel strong and independent and I know that everything in my past has shaped who I am now.

As for the comment the original poster made about some of the women not being able to get enough sex. For me it was a matter of finally feeling like I had that control back. If I was the one craving it and doing the pouncing I felt more in control.

As to the second AM poster, my heart goes out to you. *hug*

Hyacinthe · 02-26-2009, 01:48 AM

Unfortunately rape is one of those things that does seem to be happening more and more often and it's also one of those things that changes a person forever.

There's really nothing you can do to comfort someone after you've been told they've been sexually abused, you don't want to hug them because maybe that will bring back the memories you don't want to not touch them because maybe they'll take that to mean that you're disgusted by them now that you know ( and yes there are people out there who react that way)

All you can do is sit there and make soothing noises which to you soom completely empty of meaning and hope that they realise how much you love and care for them.

Believe it or not that actually does help

As for why she went so long without saying anything - it's shame becase you should have known better, you should never have gotten into that circumstance, you should have fought harder

that's what goes through the head of a rape victim, no matter how much everyone (including yourself) tells you that it's not your fault there's a little voice in the back of your head telling you all the ways that it IS your fault.

Or it could be fear that the person you tell will abandon you, that it's too much drama, that they'll look at you and see nothing but a victim or worse someone dirty, broken, used.

It can take years to get over rape, to stop hating yourself, your family and friends (when they try to comfort you - because they just DON'T understand) and you hate yourself even more for being so angry and hurt towards them then you do for allowing it to happen.

Then if you decide to take legal action there the Dr's procedures, rape kits, statements, being itnerrogated by the police and lawyers time and time again to make sure your story doesn't change. The anger held towards you by the person friends and family (which can be crippling if you were in a relationship before hand)

It's so much worse if you were in a relationship before hand, if it's someone you knew because then you spend months asking yourself what you missed, there must have been some sign that the person you let become that close to you was capable of hurting you so much.

For years after my rape I couldn't bear to be touched by anyone male, for some people it's the exact opposite, you want to prove to yourself that you can still have sex, that whoever raped you hasn't ruined you.

I promise for those of you that have been through it that it does get better, the longer you have to change yourself from the person you were then. To become stronger. It begins to become something that happened rather then the raw gaping wound through your psyche that it first is. Eventually you even stop being afraid of every shadow, every noise.

Don't expect too much from yourself too soon though. Give yourself the time you need to heal, and ignore anyone that tells you you're not healing fast enough for them, whether it be the person you love, a doctor, a lawyer or a psychologist / psychiatrist. None of them are YOU, none of them know what's going on in your head, none of them know how much you're hurting.

Keep hope and remember you're not alone.

MSD · 02-26-2009, 03:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hyacinthe

Then if you decide to take legal action there the Dr's procedures, rape kits, statements, being itnerrogated by the police and lawyers time and time again to make sure your story doesn't change. The anger held towards you by the person friends and family (which can be crippling if you were in a relationship before hand)

And if it gets to court, the defense attorney's tactic will be to try to make the jury hate you, portray you as subhuman, trash, a whore, anything to get it into their minds that you're lying or that what was done to you wasn't all that bad. If he's convicted, you still have to get up there in front of a judge, lawyers, the person who raped you, your family and his, and 12 complete strangers, and relive the most traumatic experience of your life.

That's why sexual abuse is underreported.

Anormalguy · 02-26-2009, 03:31 PM

This might be off-topic to some, but I think that it's suitable for this thread as it pertains to rape victims questioning why the attack happened and what they could've done differently. I have no idea if the information mentioned below is accurate, and I mean no offense to anyone.

The Houston Post, shortly before it folded, ran an article on rape that I found enlightening as it contained information that I had never seen published in a 'family' newspaper. I'm a firm believer proper attribution, but I've had no success finding the article searching the internet. The article was quite long, and I'm doing it a serious injustice by mentioning only a couple of points from the article. The article discussed how confusing rape could be for the victim, as well as the attacker (hopefully this will make more sense as you read).

It said that some (certainly not all) women are possibly confused by what is/isn't rape because of how their body responded to the physical stimulation. Basically some women were physically stimulated, lubricating and in some cases orgasming, even when they knew the sex was forced and they didn't want it.

Part of the article said that the physical stimulation experienced by the victim might lead the attacker, again only in some cases, to believe that the victim enjoyed the experience, despite them protesting and fighting back.

I regret not being able to find the article.

Manic_Skafe · 02-26-2009, 06:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Anormalguy

It said that some (certainly not all) women are possibly confused by what is/isn't rape because of how their body responded to the physical stimulation. Basically some women were physically stimulated, lubricating and in some cases orgasming, even when they knew the sex was forced and they didn't want it.

Part of the article said that the physical stimulation experienced by the victim might lead the attacker, again only in some cases, to believe that the victim enjoyed the experience, despite them protesting and fighting back.

I really do hope there's something more to this article that's missing here. I would go so far as to say that the line between consensual sex and abuse isn't always clearly defined, especially in terms of committed relationships. But I'd imagine that the various forms of protest that take place before the and during the act would be a clear enough indication that the victim doesn't want any part of the act.

dlish · 02-26-2009, 09:35 PM

irrespective whether enjoyment was achieved at any point, rape is what it is. Rape!

you cant tell me that because someone reached orgasm or because a normal body function such as lubrication took place, that a rape didnt occur.

theres no confusion. its either consentual or its not

Hyacinthe · 02-27-2009, 02:24 AM

In this one I STRONGLY agree with dlish

I do not care if the person forced enjoyed it, if they lubricated or orgasmed - the fact is that the act itself was FORCED

If it was consensual sex then it is not forced.

Yes, it is confusing for a victim to enjoy rape and if you do then that adds a whole new level of guilt on top of what I talked about earlier. I was lucky enough not to have to deal with that hence why I didn't discuss it in my last post.

I don't however think that the attacker cares if the victim enjoys it or not - to me rape is about power, not sex, and therefore making your victim orgasm just gives the rapist more power leading to more enjoyment for them. To me that article sounds like it is trying to justify a rapists enjoyment of the power he / she holds over the victim by saying that they think their victim is receiving pleasure. Like as long as they get an orgasm out of the other person it's consensual.

Then again I also acknowledge that in regards to this I am probably a bit unreasonable, heck in regards to this I am probably a bit homicidal.

To follow on from MSD rape trials are awful, I didn't have to deal with alot of it due to the severity of my injuries but sitting in that court room, just being in the same room as those people was enough to have me shaking and on top of that was their lawyer trying to make out that I was drunk or high and didn't understand what was going on properly. He even insisted I have a blood test taken to check for drugs, yet another invasion of my person then. I think I hate the man defending them almost as much as I hate the people who hurt me.

Iliftrocks · 02-27-2009, 09:58 AM

I imagine that some guilt can be attributed, wrongly, to the victim feeling stimulated, but someone who is forcing themselves on another person can never justify it by saying she/he wanted it, because they seemed to enjoy it physically. They've already done the rape once the stimulation is acheived. (Hope I said that right)

My first exposure to a raped woman was my first sexual partner in college. She called me her lust buddy. After telling me how she was raped at 13, she also confided in me that she had fantasies about being taken against her will by someone she knew. She wanted this to happen. I didn't know how to take it, but I told her it wouldn't be me, because just as soon as someone says NO, I stop, no matter what stage of sex is happening. I later proved it when she said no while we were in the act. I got up and took a shower. She acted hurt, but I stuck to my guns. We didn't last long after that, cause Cavy don't play that game. I told her the mixed message was just too much. I did suggest counselling, hope she got some.

Just in case you may think I handled that poorly, I think I did too, but what the heck did I know?

Anonymous Member · 02-27-2009, 10:04 AM

Remember abusers tend to be previous victims of abuse. Not all victims become abusers by a long shot, but most abusers have been abused. I've had lots of buddies tell me stories of their youth, that left me wondering if anybody hasn't been sexually abused somehow or another.

How to stop the vicious cycle, now that's a conundrum.

Anormalguy · 02-27-2009, 04:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Anormalguy

...

The article was quite long, and I'm doing it a serious injustice by mentioning only a couple of points from the article.

...

I want to make something absolutely clear: I am not in any way attempting to defend the act of rape, and neither did the article.

Someone very close to me was raped, and she was extremely confused about why it happened.

02-24-2009, 08:23 PM	#1 (permalink)
Anonymous Member Addict	damage from sexually abusive relationships i was talking to an old friend of mine earlier tonight and he told me that he had just learned that his girlfriend was in a sexually abusive relationship a while back and that she was crying about it. scary stuff. she just suddenly came out with it after a year of dating him. he didn't know how to react and said he felt horrible because all he could do was nod and comfort her like a sympathetic blow-up doll. he was as troubled with the situation as i seem to find myself troubled by my thoughts right now. i counted it up and over half of the women i've been with in my life have been sexually attacked or abused at some point in their lives. it ranges from a one time thing at a party to a year-long relationship they couldn't seem to end or get out of. the thing that gets me is that they always seem so normal. they keep it hidden inside due to shame and denial and things I can figure out and yet not. and judging from how physical some of them have been in bed you'd swear they couldn't get enough sex. even after learning one girlfriend had been abused by a previous partner, it still always surprised an shocked me when the next one would tell a similar story. it horrifies me to think that my intimate partners have suffered through such agony. it makes you, as a partner, feel useless regardless of any action you take. it is something i will never really understand. it makes me so angry and sick inside to think about. i assume that a woman is never the same after such a thing and yet somehow it has happened to so many women i've known and it remains hidden under the surface. how does it change things in a relationship and how should i react when I'm confronted with it again?

02-24-2009, 08:34 PM	#2 (permalink)
Manic_Skafe More Than You Expect Location: Queens	This is something that's always amazed me - I've never dated a woman that hasn't been sexually abused or accosted in some way or another and it's disgusting how commonplace this is. How does it change things in a relations? I'd imagine that varies quite a bit since I'd spend hours listening to an ex cry over the phone about things that happened decades ago yet she was perfectly fine in bed and just as intimate as anyone else. I suppose the most appropriate thing to do is just be supportive and listen and suggest therapy if it's needed. __________________ "Porn is a zoo of exotic animals that becomes boring upon ownership." -Nersesian

02-24-2009, 11:37 PM	#4 (permalink)
JamesB Insane Location: Ottawa	F*** I hate 50% of guys out there. Actually, probably more like 75%. Why? Abusers. What the hell is wrong with guys? I have been in a number of relationships and all but 1 have had an abused past. It can really make things difficult for everyone involved. __________________ -- apt-get install spare_time --

02-25-2009, 01:02 AM	#5 (permalink)
Starkizzer Hi floor! Make me a samwich. Location: Ontario (in the stray cat complex)	While I have only had one sexual partner and he has been great with me I have suffered sexual abuse when I was younger. However it was from my brother. I told no one of it until I was 18 and I finally told my mom and dad. I started dating my SO soon after this and I told him right away, I figured he had the right to know if I started acting weird. It didn't affect our sex life much in the beginning but a few years into the relationship I realized it was seeping out of me in a way I didn't like. I was angry for no reason and I would get irrationally mad at my SO during fights. I had a breaking point when I got so mad I hit and shoved him, and I'm no weakling. He just about had enough and I broke down felt awful and promised I would go to counseling. I did, things improved I finally told the rest of my family which helped immensely. Telling people is almost cathartic for me, it helps me to not feel ashamed anymore. I hid it for so long that I think that is why I will not post this under anonymous. The only way this affects me now is that it makes me apprehensive to have children or at least more than one. I know its irrational to think that the same thing might happen but it seems to be a feeling that I cannot shake. __________________ Frivolity, at the edge of a Moral Swamp, hears Hymn-Singing in the Distance and dons the Galoshes of Remorse. ~Edward Gorey

02-25-2009, 08:31 AM	#6 (permalink)
Deltona Couple Addict Location: Spring, Texas	Having an SO who has suffered ANY kind of abuse, sexual or not is a difficult hill to climb. I have had relationships as well where my GF was abused in one way or another, and it can drastically affect how your relationship develops. From arguments to total flip-outs, you have a lifetime of having to watch every step you take. The best thing for ANYONE who has been a victim is to come forth and tell someone, ANYONE and try to get some help. I have lost track of how many women I have know that just live with an abuser because they either think it is THEIR fault, or that things will change, or the WORST case, the woman thinks she deserves it. Personally I have told many guys who have dated my friends that if I EVER hear of them being abusive, they better move out of the state, cause I am going to hunt them down. I have no sympathy for abusers. That being said, I again stress that abused people need to reach out to ANYONE so that they can get the help that is needed. As far as the OP, I feel for your friend, I really do. They need to understand that at times she is going to react based on instinct, rather than thought, so keep that in mind. Also make sure that in a relationship like this you communicate with her. Keeping lines of communication open is ESPECIALLY needed in a situation like this. She needs to know that you won't treat her like "that other guy." But also understand that at times, she might be in a rut where she won't believe you. Many abused victims feel that no matter WHAT they do, the next SO they get will be an abuser too. Make sure that you are there for her when she needs you, and have an honest relationship with her. Many people think that a relationship involving an abused person is doomed, but it is not true. I have been with my wife now for 11 years+ and because we talk to each other about EVERYTHING, we have made it work. Yes there are even times today where we have been doing something and she gets this look, and I know that a memory flashed into her head. So we change things up, communicate (even at times non-verbally) and go on from there. Good luck to your friend's SO. I hope she gets the help she needs and that they can grow and thrive in the future. __________________ "It is not that I have failed, but that I have found 10,000 ways that it DOESN'T work!" --Thomas Edison

02-24-2009, 09:39 PM	#3 (permalink)
Anonymous Member Addict	I seem perfectly normal to most people too, well now I do at least. I was raped in August of 08 so, so like six months ago. It's tough because it's hard for my boyfriend to understand or relate and I understand that. I think the best thing you can do is make sure she isn't still blaming herself (therapy may be in order for that) and be there for her. Be cautious about broaching the subject of therapy, some women won't like the idea. Also, understand what happened to her and don't remind her of it. For example, there are certain positions I just can't handle anymore. I hope that helps, dunno what else I can add from the other side of this issue.

02-26-2009, 12:30 AM	#7 (permalink)
The Fluffy One Upright Location: Living in the sewers, painting grafitti and rainbows everywhere	I can tell you stories of how it affects someone.... cause I've been down that road, and only this year did I come to terms with it and actually realize it.. really was abuse. I've only had two serious relationships and sexual partners in my life time (I'm only 19 mind you) and my last one was abusive to me verbally and sexually, I won't go into too much detail, but it does affect someone greatfully. I was a girl who LOVED to pleasure her men and loved sex in general, I'm a very loving person and I treat my boyfriends with alot of love and respect, the last one I would cook and bake, make things for him (I draw, make kandi bracelets, etc), I would make all the time in the world for him, push my friends and studies away when he needed me, I'd buy him little things (one of those little things being a 80gb Ipod in a matter of a couple months), and he used all that, and I found out all he really cared about was sex, and would go so far as to rape... After everything happened, which mind you it all ended around the middle of December of last year, I've now become very paranoid and anxious, I don't enjoy sex like I use to, infact I'm scared of it and I feel many time of the day that I'm just meant to be used for sexual pleasure and nothing more. Love just isn't the same for me at the moment, and it'll be a long process before things get better. I'm very good at hiding it, and the scary thing about it is I can talk about it casually (if brought up) like nothing is bothering or possibly that I'm bullshitting, I dunno why... I guess it's kinda like a defense mechism. It affects a relationship I think because it's hard to trust someone fully after that, and it's hard not to feel like a burden or a piece of meat, I KNOW I'm not, but it's hard to think otherwise sometimes. Plus certain things can bring up the memories, and make it even harder to move on or be in a stable relationship. The best thing I can say it, just be there for her, and take it slow with your partners, don't press pass the comfort zone, if she doesn't want it or is upset, just understand why and be there for her. Most of the time all they want I think (I do) is someone they can trust and who will make them smile and laugh, make them feel like it's ok to open themselves again and not worry about being abused or left for dead. Depressing post, sorry D: __________________ Avvy by me, please don't steal

02-26-2009, 12:49 AM	#8 (permalink)
Starkizzer Hi floor! Make me a samwich. Location: Ontario (in the stray cat complex)	DC I completely agree with you. I was one of the ones who felt I "deserved" it. Many things in my life growing up were negative and made my life difficult and these things only fueled the fire under the "I must deserve this" mindset. I have since gotten over that though it took a long time. I do not regret what has happened to me in my life I feel strong and independent and I know that everything in my past has shaped who I am now. As for the comment the original poster made about some of the women not being able to get enough sex. For me it was a matter of finally feeling like I had that control back. If I was the one craving it and doing the pouncing I felt more in control. As to the second AM poster, my heart goes out to you. hug __________________ Frivolity, at the edge of a Moral Swamp, hears Hymn-Singing in the Distance and dons the Galoshes of Remorse. ~Edward Gorey

02-26-2009, 01:48 AM	#9 (permalink)
Hyacinthe Psycho Location: Australia	Unfortunately rape is one of those things that does seem to be happening more and more often and it's also one of those things that changes a person forever. There's really nothing you can do to comfort someone after you've been told they've been sexually abused, you don't want to hug them because maybe that will bring back the memories you don't want to not touch them because maybe they'll take that to mean that you're disgusted by them now that you know ( and yes there are people out there who react that way) All you can do is sit there and make soothing noises which to you soom completely empty of meaning and hope that they realise how much you love and care for them. Believe it or not that actually does help As for why she went so long without saying anything - it's shame becase you should have known better, you should never have gotten into that circumstance, you should have fought harder that's what goes through the head of a rape victim, no matter how much everyone (including yourself) tells you that it's not your fault there's a little voice in the back of your head telling you all the ways that it IS your fault. Or it could be fear that the person you tell will abandon you, that it's too much drama, that they'll look at you and see nothing but a victim or worse someone dirty, broken, used. It can take years to get over rape, to stop hating yourself, your family and friends (when they try to comfort you - because they just DON'T understand) and you hate yourself even more for being so angry and hurt towards them then you do for allowing it to happen. Then if you decide to take legal action there the Dr's procedures, rape kits, statements, being itnerrogated by the police and lawyers time and time again to make sure your story doesn't change. The anger held towards you by the person friends and family (which can be crippling if you were in a relationship before hand) It's so much worse if you were in a relationship before hand, if it's someone you knew because then you spend months asking yourself what you missed, there must have been some sign that the person you let become that close to you was capable of hurting you so much. For years after my rape I couldn't bear to be touched by anyone male, for some people it's the exact opposite, you want to prove to yourself that you can still have sex, that whoever raped you hasn't ruined you. I promise for those of you that have been through it that it does get better, the longer you have to change yourself from the person you were then. To become stronger. It begins to become something that happened rather then the raw gaping wound through your psyche that it first is. Eventually you even stop being afraid of every shadow, every noise. Don't expect too much from yourself too soon though. Give yourself the time you need to heal, and ignore anyone that tells you you're not healing fast enough for them, whether it be the person you love, a doctor, a lawyer or a psychologist / psychiatrist. None of them are YOU, none of them know what's going on in your head, none of them know how much you're hurting. Keep hope and remember you're not alone. __________________ "I want to be remembered as the girl who always smiles even when her heart is broken... and the one that could brighten up your day even if she couldnt brighten her own" "Her emotions were clear waters. You could see the scarring and pockmarks at the bottom of the pool, but it was just a part of her landscape – the consequences of others’ actions in which she claimed no part."

02-26-2009, 03:31 PM	#11 (permalink)
Anormalguy After School Special Moralist Location: Large City, Texas.	This might be off-topic to some, but I think that it's suitable for this thread as it pertains to rape victims questioning why the attack happened and what they could've done differently. I have no idea if the information mentioned below is accurate, and I mean no offense to anyone. The Houston Post, shortly before it folded, ran an article on rape that I found enlightening as it contained information that I had never seen published in a 'family' newspaper. I'm a firm believer proper attribution, but I've had no success finding the article searching the internet. The article was quite long, and I'm doing it a serious injustice by mentioning only a couple of points from the article. The article discussed how confusing rape could be for the victim, as well as the attacker (hopefully this will make more sense as you read). It said that some (certainly not all) women are possibly confused by what is/isn't rape because of how their body responded to the physical stimulation. Basically some women were physically stimulated, lubricating and in some cases orgasming, even when they knew the sex was forced and they didn't want it. Part of the article said that the physical stimulation experienced by the victim might lead the attacker, again only in some cases, to believe that the victim enjoyed the experience, despite them protesting and fighting back. I regret not being able to find the article. __________________ In a society where the individual is not free to pursue the truth...there is neither progress, stability nor security.--Edward R. Murrow

02-26-2009, 09:35 PM	#13 (permalink)
dlish Currently sour but formerly Dlishs Super Moderator Location: Australia/UAE	irrespective whether enjoyment was achieved at any point, rape is what it is. Rape! you cant tell me that because someone reached orgasm or because a normal body function such as lubrication took place, that a rape didnt occur. theres no confusion. its either consentual or its not __________________ An injustice anywhere, is an injustice everywhere I always sign my facebook comments with ()()===========(}. Does that make me gay? - Filthy

02-27-2009, 02:24 AM	#14 (permalink)
Hyacinthe Psycho Location: Australia	In this one I STRONGLY agree with dlish I do not care if the person forced enjoyed it, if they lubricated or orgasmed - the fact is that the act itself was FORCED If it was consensual sex then it is not forced. Yes, it is confusing for a victim to enjoy rape and if you do then that adds a whole new level of guilt on top of what I talked about earlier. I was lucky enough not to have to deal with that hence why I didn't discuss it in my last post. I don't however think that the attacker cares if the victim enjoys it or not - to me rape is about power, not sex, and therefore making your victim orgasm just gives the rapist more power leading to more enjoyment for them. To me that article sounds like it is trying to justify a rapists enjoyment of the power he / she holds over the victim by saying that they think their victim is receiving pleasure. Like as long as they get an orgasm out of the other person it's consensual. Then again I also acknowledge that in regards to this I am probably a bit unreasonable, heck in regards to this I am probably a bit homicidal. To follow on from MSD rape trials are awful, I didn't have to deal with alot of it due to the severity of my injuries but sitting in that court room, just being in the same room as those people was enough to have me shaking and on top of that was their lawyer trying to make out that I was drunk or high and didn't understand what was going on properly. He even insisted I have a blood test taken to check for drugs, yet another invasion of my person then. I think I hate the man defending them almost as much as I hate the people who hurt me. __________________ "I want to be remembered as the girl who always smiles even when her heart is broken... and the one that could brighten up your day even if she couldnt brighten her own" "Her emotions were clear waters. You could see the scarring and pockmarks at the bottom of the pool, but it was just a part of her landscape – the consequences of others’ actions in which she claimed no part." Last edited by Hyacinthe; 02-27-2009 at 02:31 AM..

02-27-2009, 09:58 AM	#15 (permalink)
Iliftrocks Junkie Location: Near Raleigh, NC	I imagine that some guilt can be attributed, wrongly, to the victim feeling stimulated, but someone who is forcing themselves on another person can never justify it by saying she/he wanted it, because they seemed to enjoy it physically. They've already done the rape once the stimulation is acheived. (Hope I said that right) My first exposure to a raped woman was my first sexual partner in college. She called me her lust buddy. After telling me how she was raped at 13, she also confided in me that she had fantasies about being taken against her will by someone she knew. She wanted this to happen. I didn't know how to take it, but I told her it wouldn't be me, because just as soon as someone says NO, I stop, no matter what stage of sex is happening. I later proved it when she said no while we were in the act. I got up and took a shower. She acted hurt, but I stuck to my guns. We didn't last long after that, cause Cavy don't play that game. I told her the mixed message was just too much. I did suggest counselling, hope she got some. Just in case you may think I handled that poorly, I think I did too, but what the heck did I know? __________________ bill hicks - "I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out." Last edited by Iliftrocks; 02-27-2009 at 10:00 AM.. Reason: dumbness

02-27-2009, 10:04 AM	#16 (permalink)
Anonymous Member Addict	guys get abused too Remember abusers tend to be previous victims of abuse. Not all victims become abusers by a long shot, but most abusers have been abused. I've had lots of buddies tell me stories of their youth, that left me wondering if anybody hasn't been sexually abused somehow or another. How to stop the vicious cycle, now that's a conundrum.