ASU2003

This is a question that I've been wondering about for a while now. As I have grown up, I've been exposed to different relationship styles. First, it was long-term monogamous relationships, with the people getting married to the first person they dated. In high school it was serial monogamous relationships, in college it was random one night stands/f-buddies/serial monogamous(w/ cheating), and now it's poly or swinging lifestyles. It's not that the other relationships options aren't there, it just that my eyes have been opened to these other lifestyles I didn't know about.

I've been on the sidelines with the celibate lifestyle the entire time, but even if I got to choose one of these options, I'm not sure which one would make me the happiest. And that is the problem. How do I determine which lifestyle would be the best without actually experimenting and hurting people in the process. Without worrying about sex leaves a lot of time to do other things. But is hard to deal with emotionally and psychologically. Is finding a virgin girl and being with her the rest of my life the best option like I thought it would be years ago? Is it better to date/hook-up/have sex with a bunch of different people until you find the best one? Should I try to come to terms with the fact that this other person has had sex with other people before and sex and love are separate, plus I would be able to get some from others in a swinging environment. Then there is the Hugh Hefner relationship model with 3 girls that come to you for money and sex. What about a group relationship? I haven't seen or heard anything about these, and I'm surprised. Why aren't there more 4,6,8 person (1:1 M-F ratio) relationships where there is swinging within that group, but no outside people. (Thinks if the Friends TV show cast all lived in the same house and slept with together or with a different person each night) Could it work? Would jealousy or comparing yourself to others be a problem?

I debated if I should include poly relationships on this list, because they tend to be glamorized and nobody ever considers negative aspects of them when thinking about it. There are also a lot of different types. So, please only select it if you have been in this type of relationship and think it is the best still.

Do you wish you had done things differently? Do you want to have a different relationship type, but would never bring it up? Do you have no regrets and are happy with the choices you made? It's just life after all and no one gets out alive.

inBOIL

You don't. The process of figuring out what lifestyle is best for you necessarily includes the risk of getting hurt or hurting another. Unless you choose to stay celibate, in which case the answer is moot because you've already chosen.

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dippin

A point I would like to add is that figuring the relationship type you prefer before figuring out the person you want to have it with is the wrong order of how things should go. It is important to figure out who you love before you figure out how you love.

Plan9

I like my women like I like my cars... compact, a little used (experienced), thrifty on fuel (my wallet), and I baby 'em with physical affection 'n keep 'em until they break.

Which in my case is rather often.

Ooo, barracuda.

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Tully Mars

When it comes to women sane is high on my list, drama's pretty low. Down to earth, good sense of humor with an active life style. I also prefer someone within a few years of my age.

As far as the main issue of the OP it all depend on the people involved. I find most people can't handle anything but monogamy when it comes to sexual relationships. I've never been in any long term relationship that wasn't. I've done the threesome thing a few times, but that was a one night thing. I could see being involved in a small group of friends with benefits, but it would have to be the right combination of friends. Not sure those stars would ever line up.

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Cynthetiq

The right relationship is the kind that is right for you.

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World's King

Where's the "Whorin' Around" option?

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snowy

Took the words right out of my fingers.

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ratbastid

Really?

That's a no-sarcasm "Really?", by the way. I actually only really meant "Really?". In case that was unclear. Because it seems from over here that everyone's extraordinarily jumpy about the negative aspects the first time they encounter one in real life. Sure there's the guy who fantasizes about adding a girl to his marriage, but my experience seems to indicate a great wariness when shows up outside fantasy.

RetroGunslinger

I'm a filthy little whore.

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botabota

Monogamy is the way to go.... cant imagine being with somebody else other than my SO.

Plan9

I wonder if this will be a representative sample of the population as a whole.

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Whatever you can carry.

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telekinetic

Oddly, WK has a good point. If you're going to include Celibacy, why not non-celibacy? I know a lot of people who enjoy it and need nothing more.

Also, what's the difference between lifetime monogamy and serial monogamy? This doesn't allow for the 'until death do us part' marriage, so I'm not sure which option to choose. I am glad my wife wasn't my first, and she likewise.

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Plan9

Especially considering the more liberated individuals here at TFP.

Relationships aren't required to meet the needs of some.

Like John Cougar... "[We] need a lover that won't drive [us] crazy. Someone to thrill [us] and then go away."

Divorce paperwork! (drum crash)

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"You should not drink... and bake."

ASU2003

You can lump in the whoring around, fwb, and flings in the serial monogamy option. You are only with one person at a time, however short a time that is. Or if you go back and forth between two or more people, it's still a short term thing each time. I don't know...I didn't want the list to get too big.

If you are with more than one person at a time, then it would be swinging.


And the right relationship for me and what is the best relationship lifestyle are two different questions. I am more interested in the second one now, and would rather have the people with TFP morals and ideals picking than the population at large. What the population at large will pick and what they actually do are two different things. I am interesting in hearing if you choose one lifestyle for yourself, or did it choose you (so to speak)? Would you have been fine being with your first partner the rest of your life? Did you always know that you wanted to try a few different things to find out which one worked best for you? Do you wish you hadn't had that one drunken sex filled year in high school or college? Do you wish you had stayed a virgin for 30+ years to wait for your current partner? Or did you do this and now wish you would have had sex when the opportunities for no-strings-attached sex came up before?

If you want a real life situation to ponder, here it is. I'm going down to Florida in March. I'm sure there will be plenty of drunk spring break college girls where I am going. If the opportunity for random one night spring break sex with a hot girl comes up, would you choose that over possibly finding a girl in my home town and having a good relationship, but always wondering what else is out there? Or there was this bi-sexual girl that lives a few hours away that I might be able to have a relationship with who would probably be open to finding another girl, even though I would be fine with not sleeping with the second girl. It would make some things better having three people, but also cause a few problems.

The group option could have come up in college. I had a really good friend, and could finally understand swinging, because I would have been fine swapping partners with him. His girlfriend and that friend had an open relationship, but I didn't get involved due to me wanting my first time to be with someone that actually likes me and would do it again the next day. But, if a girlfriend and I had been in a few relationships before, and the option to become roommates with them and another couple came up. I could see loving more than one person and being happy. I'm just surprised we don't see or hear of this type of relationship more.

Swinging seems to me to be for people who can separate the love emotions from sex. It's fun to watch, and soft swinging without swapping partners seems like a great time to me. But I don't think I am looking for random people or random friends to bring into the bedroom.

dippin

How are those things mutually exclusive? How does having casual sex on spring break preclude you from eventually finding a girl in your home town? Or from having sex with the "bi-girl?"

In any case, I still think that you should worry less about the type and more about the person. I wasn't looking for something permanent when I met my wife. Heck, considering it was long distance at the time, I wasn't even looking for something that went beyond a weekend. But it felt right, and I've been with her for 10 years. Had I decided back then that I wanted relationship style X over Y, I would have missed out.

Similarly, I know several people who would love to have found "the one," but because no one has worked for them yet, they've been "serial monogamists." It would suck for them if they stuck around someone that didnt work for them simply because they were hung up on the idea that they should have a lifetime commitment to someone.

And the one swinging couple I know... well, it shocked the hell out of me when the guy told me they had decided to take up swinging. It shocked me even more when they actually liked it and kept on doing it. And I guarantee that at least one of them had no idea they'd be up for that when they started.

Bottom line is, you wont know what you like unless you try it, and if midway through your experimentation you find "the one," or "the two" and it works for you, you wont regret it.

Xerxys

Hopeless Romantic seeks filthy whore..... what's that.. this is not like an ad... Ohh dang' OK, I voted for serial monogamy why A) I wanna do it with all the girls in the world and love them too, B) I dont wanna hurt anyone of them because I love them.

Judge me!!!

telekinetic

That is the weirdest definition of monogamy *I've* ever heard. You do know that words mean things, yes?

So, by your standards, a different girl every night is the same as two consecutive 25 year relationships, but a different girl every night, and two girls on sundays, is TOTALLY different.

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ASU2003

Sorry, I forgot an poll option. If I could add it, I would.


I was going for the Christian/Muslim (at least for Muslim girls) definition that partners should remain virgins until marriage, and then be faithful to each other throughout their lives. Even though I have gone away from the church, 95% of the relationships of my friends and family are of this type. It is hard to be different from them (if I brought a different girl home for Christmas each year, it wouldn't go over very well).

fiatguy85

Hahaha, I love this description. I would also say I have a similar taste.

I agree most with what you label serial monogamy. I think it's great if you find "the one" on your first go 'round, but I wouldn't think the odds are not particularly good overall. Being with someone for the rest of your life is a big commitment but maybe the idea just scares me a little bit. Overall I think it's a very personal choice you have to make and I guess other's experience can be helpful in deciding.

Hyacinthe

There's no such thing as a 'best relationship' - what's best for me is not necessarily best for you.

That's like asking which is best - gay or straight - D&s or vanilla

It's a question no one else can answer and I think that's what Cyn and GG were trying to say.

I'm not going to answer this poll simply cause there's no such thing as a best relationship lifestyle.

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raeanna74

I would probably choose serial monogamy or maybe lifetime monogamy. I think other relationship styles are very dependant on the partner you choose and your compatability together. In general the monogamous style is more simple and thus easier to maintain. Every time you add another person to the mix you add a great deal more variables and thus more potential for failure. That's not to say that a polygamous lifestyle or swinger lifestyle wouldn't work for some but it does entail a bit more risk. Some people are risk takers and others are definately not. I guess I must also include that some people are wired to be more sexually active or need more social/emotional connections and would feel neglected in even a very strong monogamous relationship. But those people who are unable to handle monogamy at all are relatively few.

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genuinegirly

I chose serial monogomy.
It's what I know. It works for me.
Things get mucked up in my mind when there's more than one dominating my thoughts.
Celebacy would be too much of a struggle.

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World's King

I'm pretty sure the best relationship/sexual lifestyle is one you don't have to pay for.

Or at least one that doesn't land you at your local Planned Parenthood.



"Well doc, when it started itching I just figured it was from changing laundry detergent. But then the little crab things showed up... "

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biznatch

Monogamy seemed excellent to me until 2.5 yrs after I got married.
I discovered no matter how much you want to be faithful, it's not gonna dictate what the other person does. Behind your back. When you're out, working, trying to bring money home.
Each type of relationship has it's breaking points, weak spots, and it's your job AND you SO's job to constantly pay attention to these, and strengthen them. And if one day, your SO doesn't wanna spend time and effort doing this, and working hard on your relationship, there's not much you can do.

There's no guarantees in life, only educated guesses.

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Puttz

Some excellent points have been made in this thread... by no means do I consider myself an 'expert' in relationships, however in my 25 years I've gotten more experience than most, with a wide variety of relationships. I'm very fortunate to have discovered so early in life what it takes many others a very long time to discover.

Being someone’s partner is about so much more than just being married, or living together, or having kids together. No matter type kind of relationship you consider yourself to be in you need to have a connection. Honesty, and openness are essential, and without effective communication no relationship can be healthy.

You may start out in one type of relationship, and end up in another, or realize that this just isn't for you, and therefore that partner is not truly compatible with you. That's what dating is all about, seeking out others so that you may find the one person or perhaps several (in the case of poly) that you really connect with and are compatible with for the long-term.

I very much have to agree with [/i]Hyacinthe[/i], there is no best kind of relationship, there is only whatever works best for you and your partner. For some it is one thing for others it is another. For many this will change as they mature, and their life changes. It's also quite possible for a mixture of the types you have laid out.


Polyamourous individuals may also enjoy swinging, a couple that is primarily monogamous may enjoy adding a 3rd periodically, etc.
For the sake of discussion, here are my personal views on the types of relationships specifically asked about in the poll:
For the record I chose swinging in the poll, but that's just because that is the lifestyle that works best for my wife and I, who have been together since we were 17.


Celibacy Abstention from sexual intercourse
This isn't a type of relationship, but rather a non relationship... perhaps there are individuals are consider themselves to be celibate life partners, but I don't know enough about this to comment with any sort of real insight. I would be interested in hearing from anyone who has chosen this as a lifestyle. (not angsty kids who just haven't gotten laid yet) but people who have made the conscious and thought-out decision to take all sexual intercourse off the table permanently

Lifetime monogamous the practice of marrying only once during a lifetime
It is my belief that the reason most choose monogamy is because that is what society, their parents, their church, etc, have taught them since childhood. One man for one woman, that is the way, departure from this path makes you a heathen who is going to burn in hell, or at the very least a social misfit.

However bitter as that sounds, I don’t dislike monogamy. A large percentage of monogamous relationships are healthy, the individuals involved are happy and very committed to each other. There is no reason to separate love from sex, they are always making love. They do not need to be concerned with the issues that can arise from being intimate with more than one partner. There is no such thing as an easy relationship, they all require work, but one way to describe it would be less to get in the way, thus allowing people to truly concentrate on making their relationship healthy and fulfilling.


Serial monogamy
Frankly, I see this as dating, with the intentions of finding the right someone, and setting into some lifetime monogamy. My views are primarily the same as for lifelong monogamy. However, a life long serial monogamist would (in my mind) indicate someone unwilling, or afraid to commit, an individual who is unable to let someone get truly close to them


Polygamous the practice of multiple marriage
Polyamory [/i] consensual, ethical, non-monogamy [/i]
I had to put both in there, as the terms often get used interchangeably. I do not know much about to old school polygamy (think Mormon multiple wives) so I will keep my comments limited to Polyamory. I suppose this kind of relationship, is pretty controversial. Swingers tend to think that love is for one person only, your spouse, while sex can be enjoyed freely with whomever. Monogamists tend to think you should only ever love, or have physical relationships with one single person. Polyamorous (or just Poly) individuals see no reason to separate. From their point of view, Love is natural, loving more than one person is also natural, and having sexual relationships with those you love is also natural and accepted.

Not being in a Poly relationship I can’t really write too intelligently about this topic. I know that it is not always an easy road, but can be very rewarding and fulfilling if the right people find each other. A common misconception is that Poly = swinging, or that people who identify as Polyamorous are having sex with a great many people. Actually it’s very similar dynamic as monogamy, the closeness and love, and so on. What differentiates is the ability to embrace your spouse, or self falling in love with multiple people. Just as with monogamy, the love and connection and mental intimacy comes first and foremost.


Commune Group
I just don’t know… anyone care to fill me in?


Swinging non-monogamous sexual activity, treated much like any other social activity
I absolutely love that description, it’s really pretty perfect. Non swingers go out, have a drink, chat, and then go home. We go out, have a drink, and then go home and fuck each other. LOL
I could easily write more about this subject than anything else previously (and if requested I can start an ask / tell thread about swinging if one doesn’t already exist) but because I’ve already written a freakishly huge post I will keep it short.

Swinging is all about the social & physical aspects of casual (or semi casual) sex. Swingers rarely make deep emotional connections, occasionally very great friendships are made though. Think of this no differently when best friends hang out, we just also enjoy sex with each other. We allow our friendships to become physical. In my social group it’s perfectly normal and acceptable to tell my buddy his wife his hot and I’d like to do all kinds of things to her.

I love my wife very deeply, we have a great relationship. As a matter of fact swinging has brought us closer together… we are not “on the outs” or disinterested in each other in anyway. We love sharing each other, and having new experiences, learning new things, and meeting new people. Variety is the spice of life, why does that have to stop at the bedroom door?

An interesting observation about couples who swing, those who have been doing it for any length of time almost always have very secure and stable relationships. Swinging quickly weeds out people that are not emotionally mature. Swinging makes a great relationship stronger, and will tear to shreds a relationship with issues.



hahaha, oh, by the way, Hi, I'm new here :P

Plan9

Monogamy: It's for the emotionally immature.

Friends: Ya know, warm fuckholes!

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Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

james t kirk

The woman I've been dating and I have recently discovered the joys of Swinging. (Prior to that, I guess I could have been classified as a serial monogamist who cheated from time to time, or not, depending....)

I must say, I'm a convert. We've been frequenting 2 swingers clubs in town where they only allow couples in and at some point you end up in the back room naked with other people having sex all around you.

Both she and I really enjoy it and we're both surprised just how much we do and look forward to it.

I figure that something like two thirds of all women cheat anyway, so why not just make it into a positive. In this way, we each get to get our ya yas out whilst the other is 3 feet away with someone else.

It's kind of thrilling to watch her get fucked by another guy to tell you the truth.

Ironically, it's made our relationship one of the strongest I've ever had. We're committed to each other, we just like to have sex with other people (in front of each other.)

I'm a believer. I truly believe that I'd never want to be in a conventional relationship ever again. If the woman I am dating now and I ever were to break up, I'd seek out another woman open to the idea of a swinging lifestyle.

Tully Mars

I glad you're having a great time. Always nice to find something you enjoy. But do you really think 2/3 of women cheat? Do you think the same % of men do as well? Number seems high to me. Not denying or debating any point here, just wonder why your perception varies so much from mine.

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Puttz

google tells me:

"Recent studies reveal that 45-55% of married women and 50-60% of married men engage in extramarital sex at some time or another during their relationship (Atwood & Schwartz, 2002 - Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy)"

I haven't got any clue how legit that is, but I'd be willing to believe it



also, @ J T K, I do not think it's unique at all that it brought you closer together, it surprised the hell out of my wife and I as well, but the more people we talk to, the more common we see this. If you are in a good, healthy relationship, then it will most likely bring you closer together.... hell at the least you get to learn more about each other as subjects that were once taboo are now free game, you are now able to be completely honest about things that normally are very off limits

Tully Mars

Factor in the number of people that might lie on a survey such as this and 2/3 isn't that far off.

Both numbers are higher then I would have assumed.

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Puttz

The divorce rate statistic is also pretty staggering, and very sad.

I've heard 1/2 over and over again, but I've never read or researched as to what the given reasons were for those divorces. I'd be interested to know what % were over infidelity, vs something else (substance abuce, domestic violence, etc)

james t kirk

The figue of 2 thirds I remember reading.

Sheri Hite in her book on Female Sexuality claims it's closer to 70% (though there was a lot of criticism of that figure.)

In either case, I do believe that more women cheat than don't, so why not just turn it into a positive.

The Swingers club thing in Toronto has been very interesting I must admit. Not just because of all the sex out in the open, but talking to other people there about it.

So many people that I talk to at the club all say the same thing - they really enjoy it and they are surprised just how much they do. I must admit, I do very much enjoy it. I guess it's like the thrill of the first time you're with someone. This one woman said to us, "You know, I go into work on monday and my coworkers invariably ask, ,"so how was your weekend", and I say, "it was great" and they ask, "yeah, what did you do?" to which she has to say something stupidly not true"

Puttz

Haha that is so distinctly true... only with other swingers can you really say what you did this past weekend.

It's also amusing listing to my "vanilla" friends talk about their "wild and crazy" sexcapades.... which usually consist of say, renting a porn, or buying a dildo or something :P


This is getting rather derailed though, I will make a "discuss swinging" thread here in a minute

Xerxys

Besides the sex chip for your brain, I can't think of worse torture for me other than what J T K just described.

As for the swinging category, I really wonder how it would fair with me. I would be one of the many that are "Torn to shreds" by the issue.

Puttz

The beauty of all relationships are that they are completely within your control. Finding a partner is about finding someone who is completely compatible with you.

For some it's monogamy, for others it's not. Despite how it may appear, I don't dislike monogamy, or think poorly of those that those that can't handle a non-monogamous relationship.

Everyone is wired differently

Everyone is raised differently

Everyone has different spiritual, emotional, and moral beliefs.

I love to discuss these things with people who are mature enough to accept that I'm still a person, even if I don't follow their beliefs. I find it immensely interesting to hear views other than my own

Anormalguy

.

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Plan9

"Pfft, I've got one woman I can't stand. Why would I go near another? Be secure in my monogamy, babe... I've given up. I'm settling for you." - S. Daly

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