engineering83

So here's the long and short of it, so to speak, in quick but hopefully sufficient detail:

I knew this girl years ago back in high school. Huge crush, it was mutual, I was a chicken and didn't do anything about it. Fast forward to a few months ago; we get back in touch, start talking, and really hit it off. A couple hours on the phone every night, getting to know each other, then she visits and I visit her (we live in different states). As we keep talking to each other, we have a couple of the "skeleton in the closet" type conversations. But it turns out where I decided I wanted to do everything good as a kid, she did somewhat the opposite. I've been sensitive about things like this before, but that was years ago and I felt like I had had enough experiences, and matured enough, that I could keep my head on straight...as anything in the past is really that: in the past.

However, that's only partly true. I do know that everything in the past is in the past, but because of the way my mind works (or has worked in the past), it ruminates excessively about these now-inconsequential things, or even just differences between us, therefore causing me stress and anxiety. Little day-to-day things can spin off minutes to hours of pensive thought. This frustrates the hell out of me because I love this girl and want her; she is great and we fit very well; and although the relationship is relatively young, it just seems to have potential...minus my own meandering self-destructive thoughts that I'm not able to shut off like I want.

It has happened in the past to me before -- at some point in the relationship, I get anxious, overthink, and then feel a need to escape. In retrospect, it seems to apply to any relationships that have begun to become physically/emotionally intimate; therefore, I wonder if we didn't even have the "skeletons" conversation in this case whether I would do the same thing regardless...again, very frustrating self-realization, especially since in this case I don't think it reflects any lacking on the part of the current relationship - we really get along great. A big catharsis for me is to talk about things, but I don't know who to turn to. Her and I talked a little bit about it, but talking to her about her past and dredging up things even further seems counterproductive (done before in a past relationship and it sucked...do I really need details?), so I don't know what to talk to her about; I can't talk to my parents or friends because I respect her privacy; I've thought about a priest/relationship counselor as somebody to confide in and get things off my shoulder. So I came here as a first step, feeling guilty on one hand about bringing it up on a forum, but hoping that the anonymity and relatively vague details make it acceptable.

Basically, I just want to stop thinking about some of the things we talked about. It's not productive, they don't reflect who she is as a person, and it just causes anxiety. We just have different past experiences and growings-up. Nor do I have a desire to change her; this is a problem with me and it makes me feel insecure and weak letting anything bother me at all and I fear that it will not stop. The distance I'm sure doesn't help, and some days are better than others, but I really just want to relax and enjoy the relationship. I'm not asking anyone to solve my problem, but I am looking for advice on how people have dealt with similar issues/insecurities, and how they resolved them.

Jinn

Print this section out, and carry it around with you. When you start to ruminate unnecessarily, pull it out and read it out loud. Not to yourself, but actually speak the words. It won't take long before it sinks in. You've already arrived at the correct 'solution' in the course of your post, now you just need to drive it home.

__________________
"I'm typing on a computer of science, which is being sent by science wires to a little science server where you can access it. I'm not typing on a computer of philosophy or religion or whatever other thing you think can be used to understand the universe because they're a poor substitute in the role of understanding the universe which exists independent from ourselves." - Willravel

lotsofmagnets

yes. put in simple english, you think too much. having said that your post isn´t 100% clear so perhaps i don´t have the whole picture but best to think less and enjoy more, if thinking is hindering your enjoying that is

__________________
mother nature made the aeroplane, and the submarine sandwich, with the steady hands and dead eye of a remarkable sculptor.
she shed her mountain turning training wheels, for the convenience of the moving sidewalk, that delivers the magnetic monkey children through the mouth of impossible calendar clock, into the devil's manhole cauldron.
physics of a bicycle, isn't it remarkable?

jewels

Great self-realization. What'cha gonna do with that knowledge?

I know you feel that it's easier said than done (I've been with a man who's very much like you this way), but since you get this about yourself, you have to find your own way to let it go. Personally, I think therapy's the way to go, if possible, because often times self-talk doesn't give you the feedback you may need to push yourself beyond this.

Other than that, communicate with her about how you feel, no holds barred.

__________________
We are always more anxious to be distinguished for a talent which we do not possess, than to be praised for the fifteen which we do possess.
Mark Twain

engineering83

I would not mind communicating with her about how I feel, no holds-barred...but, what is there to communicate about? She told me some things about her past, and it seems like it's up to me to accept it -- I can ask more questions and more details, but that could be problematic, too, so I've tried to limit it to only what I felt was important to our relationship. Any clarification on that, though, would be appreciated -- what would be good to talk to her about? I am going to visit her this weekend for a number of days, and I am very excited to see her, but worried that this sort of stuff will come up, and I'm not sure how to approach it.

As for therapy or talking with someone, I think it would be helpful (self-talk only does so much, as my rationality is sometimes beaten by irrationality), but should I tell her? I don't want to betray her trust in any way by telling someone her personal things. I guess I just want to be relaxed and happy with her and do what I can to do so, but don't know how to go about solving myself, if that makes sense.

jewels

I was thinking that you should tell her what you've told us here in your OP. Let her know that you're having difficulty accepting certain things and that, although they're your issues, you'd like her support. Maybe that will lead to discussions that may help to alleviate some of these issues?

About therapy: anything said is between you and the therapist. Unless you plan on going to couples therapy, I'd hardly consider that a betrayal of trust.

__________________
We are always more anxious to be distinguished for a talent which we do not possess, than to be praised for the fifteen which we do possess.
Mark Twain

engineering83

I have told her pretty much what I've said on here the last time I visited. It's frustrating because I keep hoping that a little bit more time will resolve things and I hate bringing up old issues like this rather than just moving forward. Like I said, I don't know how to alleviate the issues; they're over and done in her life, but I've just been exposed to them and the issue is on my shoulders, not hers.

I guess I would figure that anything between me and a therapist would stay there. My question was more if that's an avenue I decide to pursue, should I tell my GF first or just do it as my own personal endeavor without needing to mention it?

I'm sure that a week of training last week, a week of drinking/partying, and a general lack of sleep the last week and a half haven't done anything to help, either.

Craven Morehead

Everything on your past put you where you are today. Everything in her past did the same. Change your past or change her past and its very well likely that you'd never have reconnected. Instead of being bothered over the past, be thankful that the past led to what is happening now. Its only now that matters.

cmc

You probably wont' believe what I'm going to tell you --
All I can say is -- been there, got the T-Shirt - or should I say -- I've
been there a number of times, and I've got a stack of t-shirts ! Ha !

Here goes: 1st - you are NEVER upset for the reason that you think.
You 'must' believe what you see. What you see is determined by what you think. The 'thought's that you used to create the 'pictures' you see - make you feel - upset, fearful, jealousy, scared, etc.

You are innocent, BECAUSE - the actual idea(s) are subconscious - meaning you are not aware of the specific thought which is actually making you feel -- upset, fearful, jealous, scared, etc ...

So - what to do ? How do you get out ? How do you heal the thoughts causing this ? Hang on -- this will ALWAYS WORK - if you give it your little willingness. All you have to do is forgive. ( I realize you don't "know" what or who or why you are forgiving -- and again - that is because what wants to be forgiven is buried in your subconscious.

That is the diagnosis --- Now for the Rx -- a simple Prayer:

1st - the Holy Instant: When ever you feel upset with her - or her past, etc. simply pray this prayer - to yourself -- ' I choose this holy instant for myself, that I may share it with my sister _____ ( her name ) -- whom I love. It is not possible that I may have it without her. Nor she without me. Yet it is wholly possible for us to share it together now. And so I choose this holy instant, as the one, to offer to the Holy Spirit - that His blessings may descend upon us and keep us both in peace. Amen ( as in - and so it is )

Now remember - once you've prayed - you need do nothing. In fact you can do nothing. You simply stand back, letting peace of mind return to you and let the Holy Spirit do ALL THE HEAVY LIFTING for you.

I have prayed that prayer so many, many times - and it has ALWAYS worked. You can soothe a crying baby in a movie theater 20 rows away just as easily.

Good luck -- by the way -- this is guaranteed or your money back !

P.S. - when you pray this - YOUR peace of mind will return - gently -- and you will no longer be afraid - etc -- in this same way ever again. It returns you to your real loving thinking, the think you used above to describe how much you like this girl, and what you naturally like about her.

P.P.S. a VERY helpful thing to do - in a sharing way - is to ask your partner to help you in a very easy way for her. Ask her to alert you - if she perceives you getting creepy ( code for upset, fearful, scared, etc ...) -- but not to analyze you -- but rather to simply ask you this truly empowering question:

'Honey - how do you feel right now ?" --- that will gently remind you that the black ink of fear is starting to roll through your veins - and it can once again be gently derailed with another 'Holy Instant' Prayer.

high_jinx

rent chasing amy. very similar themes, regardless of acting shortcomings. if you have real chemistry and connection, don't pre-judge her for her past. people start new chapters all the time, especially when they're with someone that gives them the inspiration to.

you naturally grow out of a lot of phases in your life, and the smart money is that she has too.

__________________
-my phobia drowned while i was gettin down.

engineering83

Actually, high-jink, I own chasing amy and have thought of it too. In this case, it's not all just sex-related issues. Not the first time I've confronted my own judgment issues, though there are aspects in this relationship that are new and therefore maybe more challenging, which is natural I think. ...some things might have been "deal breakers" had we not already talked so much and I had found out how amazing she is...so I'm trying to see the person, not the issues.

I have no doubt about her having grown out of past phases -- she's damn incredible in her world-view, maturity, and self-growth. In some sense, that's another reason why I am frustrated with my own shortcoming as described in the OP...her and our relationship makes me want to get over my own weaknesses, and I really only hope that I can so that I can enjoy everything for what it is.

Actually, high-jinx, I own Chasing Amy and have thought about it numerous times. Not everything in this case is sex-related, but it doesn't change the fact that I'm confronting my own judgment issues again because I hadn't made similar decisions. Her and I have talked and I told her how some of the things might have been "deal breakers" had we not been talking for a while, or had I not gotten to know her or see how amazing she is...and that's the truth: I want to see the person, not the issues.

I have absolutely no doubt that she's grown out of any past phases. I'm constantly impressed by her world-view, maturity, and self-growth. I find it really attractive. Which is why the subject of my OP frustrates me a lot, too -- it is evident of my own weakness/failure to grow up in this area. I want to get over for her sake and the sake of our relationship, and I just hope I can. I really just want to enjoy what we have.

Ustwo

So how many guys did she fuck and what drugs did she do?

Sounds to me like you are jealous over her last boyfriend/s/group sex etc, and its pretty much normal to be.

When you are just going out with someone, their past doesn't really matter, its all here and now, yea baby, but when you start falling in love all of the sudden it can tear you apart.

It will pass, and it is YOUR issue, not hers, as long as you don't think shes the type to run off and relive her past let it go, don't drag her into your demons.

This type of jealousy can be beaten and rationalized away. Hell just about every cell that was involved in any past intimacy has been replaced in her body, she is who she is now, not then.

__________________
Agents of the enemies who hold office in our own government, who attempt to eliminate our "freedoms" and our "right to know" are posting among us, I fear.....on this very forum. - host

Obama - Know a Man by the friends he keeps.

jewels

That's it in a nutshell. You're hoping. It's not going to go away by itself and overanalyzing and overthinking is what's driving you nuts.

Let it go. It's that simple. If it's your shortcoming, only you can resolve it. If you think you're incapable of letting go, you won't. You have to make your mind up that you have let it go. Take a deep breath, then expel the thoughts that will drive you insane.

Poof. They're gone.

__________________
We are always more anxious to be distinguished for a talent which we do not possess, than to be praised for the fifteen which we do possess.
Mark Twain