thelifeandtimes

I am young and engaged.

The date is still three years away, but the doubts have already began to set in. Not the fair weather doubts or the cold feet, the doubts that come out of nowhere from the deepest pit of your stomach.

I used to be very excited about the wedding and the vision of me living out the rest of my years with my fiancee. I had things ideally placed and imagined. But since I put the ring on her finger six months ago, something inside of me has began to second guess it all.

We are perfectly compatible. Similar in a lot of ways but different in more. The whole opposites attract rings true in my situation. It worked for us, but the ugly head of her true self is starting to rear itself, and I really don’t like what it implies for the future.

Firstly, we have been fighting constantly. And not about big things or even important small things, but petty differences that honestly are a waste of time and breath. She blows everything out of proportion. She likes to assume and then hold it against me later on when I have no idea what she is talking about. Lately she has been very passive aggressive using what I say against me. I can handle the fighting to an extent until I reach a point where I just can’t be in the same room as her.

Secondly, our sexual life has pretty much disappeared. Sure this happens to most couples that have been together for awhile, but we haven’t been together even two years yet, beside the fact we are both barely 20. I understand that I am a very sexual person and she is not, but in the last five or six months, we’ve been having sex at best twice a month, but usually, its once. And sex is the only thing she’ll do. No random sensual moments and hardly much foreplay during any point. I have brought this up to her, but it falls on deaf ears for the most part. I mean, after I tell her, it gets better for a little bit, then right back to where we were to begin with. And when I’ve brought up our lack of sex, she always has some reason why we haven’t been sexual. At first it was that she was getting used to her depression medication. I can understand that as it is making her hormones go crazy. Then it was because she was too tired. Then it was something else, so on and so forth. It always seems to be one thing after another and it has gotten to the point where I don’t even bother talking to her about it. Its all starting to wear on me.

Finally, I am not sure if I really want kids, or at least when she wants kids or even the number of kids she wants to have. She wants to have a family by the time we are 30 with three kids. I on the other hand would like kids when I am in my later 30's after I have established myself in my career and am settled enough to be able to focus on a family.

I just feel that I am missing out on so much of my life lately. Not even dating other people, just opportunities and life experiences. The things I want in life are not the things she wants in life and I am worried that it will eventually take us in opposite directions.I don’t really know what to do at this point. I’ve tried talking about this to her, but its always the same discussion. Am I just over thinking everything and freaking myself out? Or do I really have a reason to worry about our direction in life later on?

Advice would be awesome.

Ustwo

Secondly, our sexual life has pretty much disappeared. Sure this happens to most couples that have been together for awhile, but we haven’t been together even two years yet, beside the fact we are both barely 20.

Run. At 20 you should be fucking like rabbits still. This is more of an issue than any of the other points.

Honestly I wouldn't be looking to set my life down with someone on depression medication either. Its setting yourself up for a rocky road.

A depressed 20 year old with a diminished sex drive who has different goals in life than you do. The solution is obvious.

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tecoyah

For once i agree with Ustwo....the dead sexlife is merely an indicator of underlying issues that may very well kill the realtionship. Keep looking.

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Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. - Buddha

surferlove007

Wow, that's quite a blow.
Plus a three year engagement, that's a long ass time. Not to mention since y'all are near my age or my age (19) A lot happens when we're this young. Also let me be the first to say, a lot of couples get engaged young and don't follow through, you won't be the first to do so either. Also I believe it would give you a life experience you'll remember and use toward future relationships, plus I'm sure many of your family and friends would applaud you for making an adult decision.

If you feel this way you should pull out. If it feels wrong don't do it because everyone else wants you to. You should come first. This girl obviously has a calendar plan for her life and you're filling in perfectly. GET AWAY! I know it's awfully hard to break up with someone you care about signifigantley, but if she's ignoring the issues it's only going to end up bad down the road. Don't do that to yourself, you'll look back next year and say to yourself, what the fuck was I thinking about wanting to marry this person! Trust me, I've been there and I learned. Slow things down...

You have plenty of time. Why rush?
I know that's a total rant saying you should break up, but from what it sounds like, seems like you want other people to justify your decision to break up too.

Also, this girls on depression medicine?! I think weddings and depression meds don't mix. Somethings wrong on many levels, which you already know. So theres my advice, break up with her and find someone better with a better sex drive! James and I are going onto our 1 yr plus whatever month and our libidos are still in overdrive! Y'alls should be too!

james t kirk

I'm ALOT older than you....

Sigh.....so have a bit of experience to draw on.

Never the less, UStwo is correct.

Run. (Well put by the way)


Been there, seen it, done it.

No fun, it never gets better, it only gets worse. I lived with a woman for 4 or so years just like this. Constant arguing, bitching, complaining about stupid shit. In my case, it was reoccuring arguements - usually about my family, friends, or work. It was like a broken record (note to young person, in olden days, when a record was "broken", the needle would skip and it would just keep repeating itself) Sorry, couldn't resist that....

Anyway, it never got better. I would try to talk to her, it would change for about a week or two, then right back to the way it was. Like an elastic always comes back to its original shape, so too do people.

It became unbearable. It affects your health, it affects your sanity.

Run.

Plus, you are waaaaayyyyy to young to get engaged. Live a bit.

mixedmedia

You come here and share this with us because you already know what you have to do...but you're a human and you care enough to doubt yourself first.

I concur with everything that has been said here already.

__________________
Most people go through life dreading they'll have a traumatic experience. Freaks were born with their trauma. They've already passed their test in life. They're aristocrats. - Diane Arbus
PESSIMISM, n. A philosophy forced upon the convictions of the observer by the disheartening prevalence of the optimist with his scarecrow hope and his unsightly smile. - Ambrose Bierce

Midnight

I'll add my voice to the collective masses.

********************************************
********************************************
**************R***U***N*********************
********************************************
********************************************

do not hesitate, do not walk, do not look back.
get the hell away from this girl before she sucks
you into the chaotic void in her head.
You have WAY too much living to do to be in a situation
where you would even have a REMOTE consideration
of marrying this person.

Oh and in case I forgot , RUN!!!!!!!!

Push-Pull

You have an opportunity. If you're looking for "permission" to run away, then consider it given.

I have to agree with everyone else, but I realize that you are probably not at complete ease with packing up and leaving so quickly without at least trying something. I would offer this.....Tell her exactly how you feel and that you are considering separating from her. See how she reacts.

If she reacts poorly, then you know that she isn't willing to be responsive to your desires for a "good" relationship. Time to lace up your running shoes.

If she reacts well, then stick around and see what happens. BUT, it is up to you to define the goals and see to it that they are met.

If your goals aren't met, well, then time to lace up your running shoes.

Just remember, you're young, and you have a lot of stuff in front of you. You don't have to deal with this bullshit. Whether you "fix it" or run away, you don't have to deal with it. Stand firm, and don't be so quick to settle or compromise, you'll only end up regretting it later when you find that it doesn't have to be that way.

Good luck.

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DAMMIT! -Jack Bauer-

dirtyrascal7

Those feelings are there for a reason. Believe it or not, your subconscious is much smarter than your conscious brain will ever be, and those gut feelings are its way of trying to tell you that this relationship is wrong. You have nothing to prove or gain by staying in this relationship... go live your life.

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squeeeb

the person you are at 20 is usually different than the person you are at 30. and dude, what is the rush? and like ustwo said, if you aint doing it every few hours now, something is not right.

hows about you both wait until you are 25, and if you are still together and still happy, then go for it.....if you are not happy now, getting married isn't going to make it better, only worse...

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onward to mayhem!

ShaniFaye

and not one person has mentioned her failed sex drive is probably due to depression medication....just how many discussions have we had here about a sex drive thats gone away because of medication? is it also not possible that the change in her behavior is due to the medication as well?

Has she talked to her dr about the changes? there is more than one medication out there for depression.

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I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!

ngdawg

Where????

Read your post again. Your answer is in there.

ItWasMe

I'll side with Shanni about the depression meds possibly causing lower sex drive. But I'll go even farther. Depression can also cause a lower sex drive, irritability, fatigue, etc. And the meds can sometimes take a couple of weeks or a couple of months to start working well. You're lucky the wedding is three years away, and not three weeks. You can run, or stay and see what difference the meds make in a couple of months. And pay attention to see if this becomes a pattern. Because for some people (not all), depression has a nasty habit of recurring. For some, it is like a black cloud/monster following you through life, and sometimes it overtakes you. You can spend your life going on/off meds, watching your body/moods to see if you are 'slipping.' And this can be very hard for your loved ones to watch and to deal with. If you decide to stay, I would encourage you to pay attention. I would not blame anyone for not wanting to make a lifetime commitment dealing with it.

On the other hand, it could be she is irritable/tired/has low sex drive because she is having second thoughts. Or this could be the 'real her' showing through. If this is her 'normal' sex drive, getting married isn't going to make it better.

Anyway, I picked out your main points for you to see. Pretend it's a friend asking you for advice and they say:

ok. bye.

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squeeeb

ok, lets talk about her medication...

do you want to marry someone who needs to take medication for depression?

yes, i am a heartless, cold, selfish bastard. i still would not want to be married to someone who needs to be on meds.

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onward to mayhem!

ASU2003

I wonder what her side of the story would be? There are two halfs to every story and the guy might have some issues that weren't brought up. Hell, I have a few male co-workers that I don't understand why any woman would want to be with them.

But, yeah, this relationship doesn't sound like it is working. But, I think it is because both of them don't know how to be in a relationship.

MrFriendly

Unfortunately there are too many misconceptions about depression. And unless you've suffered it in any serious way, you really don't know what it can be like.

Some people need those meds in order to simply function day to day and cope. And unfortunately, both the meds and the depression can really fuck you up.

For the OP though, If you love her, and you know that she is prone to depression and is on meds for it, than I think you two should at least try to work on that and see what comes out of it. As others have suggested, try different meds, get other opinions from different doctors. No two people are going to respond the same way to any treatment for depression.

But, as young person, you need to ask yourself what you really want and what is most important. Remember, you're thinking of committing the rest of your life to this person.

I think it's very important that if you really want this relationship to survive that you communicate these feelings to your partner and deal with them together. If she's unwilling for you guys to work through these problems then once again, you should really ask yourself what you want.

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You are not a slave

Ustwo

I did and I still said run.

Seriously life is to short to deal with someones medically dependent depression for the next 60 years.

Harsh, mean, assholish, sure, but if you need medication at 20 god fucking help him when shes 40.

__________________
Agents of the enemies who hold office in our own government, who attempt to eliminate our "freedoms" and our "right to know" are posting among us, I fear.....on this very forum. - host

Obama - Know a Man by the friends he keeps.

shesus

UsTwo..damn, I read something of his and agree.

Ghoastgirl, same thing. You are young and will change a lot. I got engaged at 19 and it was to be a 3 year engagement. Yea, that didn't work...at all.

Third, you're too young and too fresh in a relationship to deal with depression, medication, and low sex drive.

You want to leave, you just don't want to do it. Realize that it's just going to get worse as time goes on. You aren't even married or close to it and fighting...it's not healthy in any aspect. End it now, it won't get easier as time goes on...

There are many red flags in your OP...I'd say look at them, discuss them, and carry on with your life.

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SecretMethod70

Pretty much everything that has been said in this thread is correct.Getting married won't magically change anything. Try and work on this if you want, but know that it will take up time that could be spent meeting new people and focusing on your own personal growth. If you do stick around, you need to 1) call off the engagement for now (not only are you not in a position to be engaged right now, you really shouldn't have gotten engaged so young in the first place), 2) be completely honest with her about how you're feeling and why - she can't address the issues if she doesn't know what they are, 3) be willing to listen to her concerns as well - don't simply shrug them off, but that doesn't mean you have to agree with them either, and 4) be willing to call it quits at any time if she's not both putting in the effort and actually making progress. As for the medication, she should have talked to her doctor about it yesterday. That is at the very top of your "to do" list if you guys are going to try and work through this.

Nonetheless, as others have said, you're young. You shouldn't feel a responsibility to stick around. Do it if you want, but only if you want, and realize it will be a difficult and not very fun journey most of the time. The quickest way to find your own happiness would be to cut your losses and count this as a learning experience.

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abaya

Why did you get engaged in the first place? Was there a reason for the rush?

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And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
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Hyacinthe

It really sounds like you're not ready to be married, might have nothing to do with her.

Fact of the matter is since you agreed to marry her you say

If you feel that way you shouldn't be getting married because if it continues you'll grow to resent her for it and that will ruin everything.

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"I want to be remembered as the girl who always smiles even when her heart is broken... and the one that could brighten up your day even if she couldnt brighten her own"

"Her emotions were clear waters. You could see the scarring and pockmarks at the bottom of the pool, but it was just a part of her landscape – the consequences of others’ actions in which she claimed no part."

surferlove007

Is this your FIRST serious relationship?

BearNaked

Sounds like you have been married for more than 20 years, not just living that long.

Seriously dude, you should get out of the relationship. This situation can't be fixed. It would be a terrible shame if you got married, had some children and then split. You have many, many years ahead of you before you should even worry about settling in to a permanent relationship. Sure, relationships when you are young can work out for life, but most don't.

As mentioned by others, you seem to already know what you want to, and need to, do.

james t kirk

Quoted for the complete truth.

There's someone for everyone, and I am sure that there is a nice guy out there who is also on meds that would be perfect for her.

xxxafterglow

Well... I agree with most of what's been said...

But also realize that you don't HAVE to go thru with the wedding. Maybe you need the time to explore before committing and settling down. At least talk to her about your concerns (the hallmark of a good solid relationship) and see how she feels about it. It's rough when you're dating someone immature and dramatic (a lot is due to her age) so just understand that that's who she is right now. You can propose taking a break, seeing other people, couples counseling, therapy ... da da da...

Marriage won't solve your problems and really, you shouldn't PROPOSE til there are no doubts in your head at all.
You should talk to her and then decide if you love her enough to take her as she is now and as she will be in the future and if you are willing to give up this part of your youth.
And hey, there are medicated people who are perfectly loveable and she may be off meds in half a year, who knows.

No worries, you're not wed yet! Good luck!

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Uh huh her.

nonplussed

<em>...the ugly head of her true self is starting to rear itself...</em>

If you put a statement like that in writing then you know in you heart of hearts what you need to do... get the hell out.