babygirlkym1

i am a widow as of feb 21 when my husband of 15 years passed with a sudden blod clot he was 35 and now i wwonder how long before it is ok to move on i mean he was more than a husband he was my friend lover i was his submissive and i miss all those thing and the sex i miss more than anything how long does one have to wait before she or he can ,ove on and feel its fine at least sexually ??

[mode note] changed to lowercase. Trying to read something written in all caps is enough to make a person insane. -analog. [/mod note]

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No one can make you feel inferior without your consent BABYGIRL

maleficent

that answer would be different for every person... the time is right to move on when it feels right for you...

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babygirlkym1

Thank You.... Guess It All Seems To Be Confusing...

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No one can make you feel inferior without your consent BABYGIRL

tecoyah

Losing the stability, joy, and challenge a healthy relationship gives us is a hard pill to swallow, and usually needs awhile to really hit home. No one is able to tell you when its time to start thinking about YOU again....but I will say this.


Drop any feeling of Guilt that might prevent you from doing what he likely would want.....making yourself happy again.

babygirlkym1

thank you again so much .I guess I am just trying to find who I am, anyway's I have always been a wife and a homemaker, now I have to start dating .never dated just have always been with my husband for as long as I can remember, and now I get scared so many freaks. sideshow, liars. and married people trying to get in my head. lol thanks for your advise it does help a bit .
baby girl

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Sultana

I'm sorrry for your loss, and hope your path back is a smooth one. Just do what feels comfortable and right to you. Don't let others define your way.

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"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath.
At night, the ice weasels come." -

Matt Groening

My goal? To fulfill my potential.

GK.12.3

I'm so sorry for your loss.
My mother is a widow and it is very hard for her to move on as well. Perhaps it is the entire notion of not finding that same person ever again, and hence not dating. However, you must know that as much as you loved and still love your husband, you must move on with your life with the aid of another partner - it's natural.
At one point you must put the past to the side and really realise that in this enormous world, there is that someone else who can be as compatible. Every person is unique in their beautiful way. No one will ever replace him.

__________________
In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on.

Cus' you'll have bad times, but that'll always wake you up to the good stuff you weren't paying attention to...
-Steve Jobs

babygirlkym1

that is exactly how i want to feel i find myself looking at every guy and the ones i talk to trying to find someone or somethuing that reminds me of my husband and i know that is wrong for if i ever got with someone i wouldnt want to think i was with them only for a slight resemblence to my late husband so no i have been just trying to find someone i like for them not for who they seem like ..this is and has to be the hardest think i could imagine ever going threw and wouldnt wish it upon anyone ..did your mother ever move on or is she still looking??
\

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No one can make you feel inferior without your consent BABYGIRL

ratbastid

You know, it's okay not to be ready yet. I think it's to be expected that your physical desires would be out ahead of your emotional readiness. It would be completely okay for you to get a vibrator and not bother with men for a while. It's only been six months, after all; you were married for fifteen years!

Really sorry about your loss, by the way. That must have been an incredible shock.

abaya

I am very sorry to hear your story. It hits very close to home for me.

My mother was 34 years old and 8 months pregnant with me when her husband (my father) died suddenly. That was 28 years ago, and while she did meet my stepfather and have a relationship with him for 17 years (beginning less than a year after my father died), I don't think she ever got over my real father. I wish she had, because in her rush to move on, she did not heal properly and has always carried that wound... which prevented her from truly enjoying what life had to offer.

28 years ago, grieving and therapy and all the tools we have now were not available to her. She just stuffed the pain down so she could raise me, and met a man who "resembled my father" as soon as possible, you might say. I love my stepfather, but my mom could never stop comparing him to my dead father, and finding too many faults. She saw my father as the "perfect" man, and because of that, was never able to trust or truly love someone on the same way... which is the real tragedy of her life.

I honestly think that if she had taken the time to grieve well, give herself time and space to heal, and *then* move on... she might have enjoyed the last half of her life much more. Instead, she has been plagued by anxiety, depression, and medication through much of that time. She has never learned to let go... she just forced herself to pretend she had, which only backfired over time.

Everyone is different, but I don't see any harm in *taking the time* to heal and not rush into anything until you feel truly ready to love again. Have you been to grief counseling?

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

babygirlkym1

thank you so much for your wisdom i am so very sorry for your loss never knowing your real father my husband was also perfect and i will grieve a lifetime i know it he was my everythijng he was 35 and he died at 7 11 in the candy isle with my 10 year old daughter with him she watched her father die in front of her and she now has asked me so many time to try to move on not to forget her daddy but to remember all the good time and out of her wisdom have i took this step to start talking to others about the time frame for the best thing in my life with m,y husband is there were no regrets not one not one day i would do over so i have no unsaid or unfinished buisness he knew we treated each other like it was the last day every day we lost my mother 3 years ago at 56 of breast cancer and my father shot and killed him self 6 months later so we talked about what if ah i am just rambling on thank you so much for your time
kym


[mod note]Text changed to lowercase, it's annoying as all hell to read something written in all caps. Also... making sentences using punctuation would be a real plus. Right now, it's a string of words we all have to decipher. -analog.[/mod note]

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No one can make you feel inferior without your consent BABYGIRL

BigBaldRon

When the time is right for YOU, then it's right. If you feel the need to be close to a man, or to be intimate and feel the affection, then by all means go for it, there is no set timetable for what is "right".


I am very sorry for your loss.

abaya

I think that's a good sign from your daughter... it means she will probably be open to any new steps you are taking in your grief and desire to move on. Perhaps she is trying to tell you that you don't need to worry about her, that she's really doing okay, despite the circumstances. I am sure, more than anything, she wants to see you happy.

As everyone else has said, when you feel the time is right, when you feel healed up enough to reach out again... just take a few steps, and see how it feels. Then take a few more steps. Eventually, you will be walking again...

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

GK.12.3

babygirlkym1, as suggested, it all takes time.
Pretty soon, I'm going to start my Masters in Family/Marital Therapy and I can tell you that you are NOT the only one who feels this way.
I've personally seen a lot of families who have been separated apart by death and eventaully individuals recover and move on with their lives as hard as it may seem.
You must note though that taking this obstacle just by yourself may not be the best option for you. You need the right support group, to guide you into the proper direction the same way you're guiding your daughter into the most beneficial path possible.
It's been almost eight years that my father died and my mom is finally realising that she must indeed pursue HER life and not constantly seek the life THEY had as he - my father - is dead.
Six months is a very short time to cope with the death of a loved one, so if you're trying to naturally get ahead of your emotions and most important of all, mind - it's not going to work. You're only making things worse.
As ratbastid said, it's ok to not be ready yet. Take it easy.

__________________
In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on.

Cus' you'll have bad times, but that'll always wake you up to the good stuff you weren't paying attention to...
-Steve Jobs

ngdawg

My sister lost her husband suddenly, leaving her to raise two small boys(the younger being only 3).
She had a lot of anger and questioning for a very long time and finally decided to seek help.
One of the things that worked for her in moving forward was a suggestion by her therapist. She was told to write a letter to her deceased husband-pour out her anger, her loneliness, everything she could think of. Then she was told to read it and then burn it. It was something akin to 'letting him go' so she could move forward. Her nightmares went away and she was able to go about the task of living again after she did it.
It takes time and when your grief is no longer a comfort, you'll know.
I wish you the best.

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Glory's Sun

analog

And please... whole sentences- or at least something resembling sentences- with at least minimal punctuation shouldn't be a tall order on an adult forum. We want to help, but I'm frankly left to decipher what can only be described as (and this is not meant to be insulting) barely coherent rambling. This is not an AOL chat room or a Myspace comment board. You'll get a lot better help if you don't treat it as such.

babygirlkym1

Thank you agian for all you advise.. and sorry for the caps large letters I didnt even notice so I am very sorry for that .. and iI am sorry for punctuation .not the best at writing anything. so i tried to go back and fix it alkl.so it is more aproperate for you to read abian .I am sorry .I didnt realize when i was writing out my feeling I wasnt useing proper puncuation and forum .Kym

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No one can make you feel inferior without your consent BABYGIRL

tecoyah

babygirlkym1, Please don't let the Mods doing what they are here for, deter you from enjoying the site, its what we pay them for (wait....we don't pay them). Using the above mentioned typing techniques does help quite a bit, but its ok to make mistakes....we all do.

Now, back to the extremely helpful advise forthcoming from the very nice, and considerate membership of TFP.

Push-Pull

I've never really been close to your situation, but I think I can offer this. When you are ready, go out and have FUN. Include your daughter and let it grow naturally. The reason I bring this up is that I watched my grandmother spend the last 25 years of her life a miserable wretch of a person after my grandfather died. That woman was NEVER happy, and went out of her way to heap misery upon her existence. That is hardly what (I believe) any decease spouse would want for their still-living mate.

Also, when you do start the dating again, please be careful to keep the blinders off. Youcontrol more than most people give themselves credit for, and if a person just doesn't "fit", then don't waste your (and your daughter's) time. It may help to write down a set of "rules" as far as how you want a relationship to be, just to help you keep your focus on what you want.

Sorry for your loss, and may you and your daughter find happiness.

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"Some people are like Slinkies..... They are not really good for anything, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs." -Unknown-

DAMMIT! -Jack Bauer-

abaya

What he said... in half the words that I used, lol.

I think we're all trying to say the same thing.. PLEASE enjoy life, but don't rush into it before you really feel healed enough to do so. I would think that 6 months is really not enough time, but that is entirely your own judgment to make. I know that for my mother, 8-12 months was not long enough, but she wanted a father for me so badly. Hard to say what I would do in those circumstances, really.

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

coyote

Kym:

I lost my wife to cervical in december of 2004. She was 36 at the time. We had been together since I was 16 and she was 14, and were married at 21 and 18. I started dating someone within a year. I would have never expected that I would be able to do that, and would have possibly tended to look down on someone who could do that after such a long relationship. I had to quickly realize that it didn't matter what other people thought, as long as my kids accepted it, and I was comfortable with it. The grieving will go on I am assuming forever. The gal I am dating was one of my wife's caregivers, so she understands how much my wife did, and always will mean to me. I am willing to bet the right person for you is right in your inner circle, and fate will bring him to you. You may struggle with survivors guilt, but in the end you have to do what is best for Kym.

SirLance

Please accept my condolences for your loss.

Don't feel like you "have" to start dating. If you meet someone you are interested in, it's OK. But don't force yourself to do it. You'll know when it's right.

Allow yourself to greive, and find something outside of what you do now to be interested in. Volunteer somewhere, and when it's meant to happen, it will.

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Sharon

Wow this is a hard situation, and I do not envy you.

I think all the advice given above is spot on. I'd say it's probably a good idea not to go around "looking" for anything. Do things your enjoy, meet people, hang out with them either in groups or one-to-one, date without looking for "the one", and just live life. If and when you meet the right person to move on with, then perhaps you can start thinking about whether and when it's appropriate to date more seriously. I think this advice is equally suited to anyone who is single and would eventually like to not be.