Average_Joe

Perhaps this should be in the form of a poll, but I am more interested in finding out in depth answers.

My SO sometimes brings up the fact that I have never "cried for her", and wonders if I lack some passion in our relationship. As an adult, I can say that I've never been an emotional type of person. I never get too happy, or too sad, or too angry, etc. I think it bothers her a little that my personality is like this. She points out that I didn't cry at our wedding, or when we nearly broke up, or when our kids were born, or when we have gone through some rough, scary times. I just don't cry! Or at least I haven't experienced anything yet that made me cry.

One excuse I make is that I'm a guy, and guys don't get as emotional as women, or that guys feel that crying shows weakness, so we learn to hold it back. Apparently, she dated other guys before who would cry at will, so she doesn't buy the excuses.

How many of you guys (and gals for that matter) don't cry or get too emotional? Do you think it's a "guy thing" not to cry? Is it due to lack of passion or just a trained response?

Carno

While women are more emotional than men, I don't think that men do not cry for that reason. I think men are just as capable of passion as women are, but men not crying is because of society. It isn't "manly" to cry.

Being a product of society, I would bite my tongue off before crying in front of someone. Because really, who wants to see a grown man cry? It's pathetic.

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abaya

I am a woman, and pretty much every friend or acquaintance I have thinks that I NEVER cry (see below for exceptions). I was talking to one of my best friends last night (have known her for 10 years), and she was shocked to hear that I do get emotional about my relational struggles at times... she said the only time she had seen me even sniff back a tear was at my wedding. She thought I was a rock, very balanced.

Apparently I am pathologically good at suppressing my emotions most of the time, around most people... which is odd, given how VERY sensitive and emotional I can become when I am alone, or around my husband or parents (particularly my mother). It is quite the opposite, in that case... I will cry buckets upon buckets when I am alone, and if I feel either very safe or very angry/sad, I will cry with my husband or mother at almost the drop of a hat. But you will NEVER catch me doing that with anyone else.

In fact, I *cannot* cry in front of anyone else. Even in therapy, when I've talked about some of the most disturbing things in my life, it's hard for me to feel anything in the moment. I guess I see myself as being pretty tough in any situation, with just about anyone around... but around my husband especially, I become extremely vulnerable to any and all fluctuations. It's very puzzling, and frustrating at times.

As for my husband, well from my point of view, I have always found it so intimate when he has been able to cry in front of me. I would never say that he should "cry for me" (as your SO said) since it's really a very personal thing... but it really brings the intimacy level to another level when you trust someone to that degree.

Despite my inability to cry around most people, I have never, ever seen crying as a weakness... I really admire when people are able to express themselves so sincerely and honestly in that manner, because I see it as them finally overcoming the social programming/trained response that forces them to keep it all inside. I always embrace that kind of thing in other people... perhaps because I have such a hard time with it, myself.

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Xera

Not being too emotional should not mean the same thing as not emoting at all. She needs to know that there are deep emotions in you, and that you feel those deep emotions for her.

I think it is unmanly to NOT cry. If the idea of loosing me didn't illicit some emotional response I think I would feel pretty unimportant. I would prefer the crying type of emotional response, because thats the one that means, "this hurts"

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ShaniFaye

Dave cries and he's more "man" than anyone I know. Any guy that thinks crying is a weakness or pathetic is.....wrong (IMO). Dave cried during out wedding and it was one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen. Being able to freely show an emotion like that is more manly than being stoic

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Willravel

When I am sad, I get quiet. It's always been that way. The last time I cried is when my dog died when I was a kid. I figure that if I need to cry, I'd just cry. I'm certianally not squeltching anything. If people are holding in tears because they are trying to maintain a machismo image, then they are doing themselves a disservice. Emotions happen for a reason.

The idea that men should cry is equally incorrect. Some people simply cry less than others. It doesn't mean that I'm a souless beast or incapable of the same depth of emotion as people that cry.

Gilda

There is some evidence that hormone levels have an effect on how intensely men and women feel emotions. High androgen/low estrogen (relative to levels of the same hormone, not to each other) levels tend to increase aggression and libido and decrease the overall intensity of both positive and negative emotions, while the opposite is true of relatively low androgen/high estrogen levels. So it is in part affected by sex.

Societal, familial, and other social influences probably play a much bigger role. "I hate to see a grown man cry" was a standard saying at one time, and crying is still in some circles seen as a sign of weakness/feminine behavior. This is changing, but there is still some built in societal bias that says that there's something wrong with a man crying in public or in front of others, and many boys are routinely taught that crying is an inappropriate response, that they need to "be a man", a phrase I'm not very fond of in this context. Interestingly, it's changing in both directions--there's more disapproval of women crying and a little less of men doing so, provided it's in circumstances that OK for men to cry.

I'm a crier, and not the least bit ashamed of it. I wasn't, not for a long time, because I tended to tie any strong emotions up inside myself to keep from being consumed by what my life was like most of the latter half of my childhood. The problem was that by tying up all those difficult, negative emotions, by suppressing those, I was suppressing everything--all the good stuff went down into the dungeon I built for the bad stuff along with it. It took a lot of time and practice and help from others, Grace, Sissy, and two therapists to help me regain access to all those things, and to understand that it's OK to feel strongly, that the sadness and the joy are a part of the same thing--you can't have one without the other. Now I'll cry at movies, books, when talking to Grace or my therapist, any very strong emotion can bring tears. It's not always the big wracking sobs, and I've learned how to deal with it, to let it come when it needs to come, to put it away until later when I need to, and I deal with it much better than I did, in a much more healthy way. I still have some balancing to go in how I deal internally with certain emotions, but I've got a good grasp on expressing them in a healthy way.

My wife very seldom cries. I can recall maybe . . . three, four times. The last time was the first time I was conscious and sane after my accident last year. My sister says she was calm and controlled when I was in a coma and during the times when I was incoherent, but just let go when I finally recovered and was me, the person she knew again.

She's never once gotten upset with me for being emotional, and it doesn't bother me that she isn't more demonstrative in how she feels things. It did take a bit of time to learn to read her, to see that just because she isn't more obvious about how she feels doesn't mean she isn't capable of intense emotion, she's just a little more self-contained than most people. In fact, that she reserves that stuff for private times with me makes it something a bit more special for me.

And I so tell the man I'm with about the other life I lived
And I say now you're top gun, I have lost and you have won
And he says, "Oh no, no, can't you see

When I was a girl, my mom and I we always talked
And I picked flowers everywhere that I walked.
And I could always cry, now even when I'm alone I seldom do
And I have lost some kindness
But I was a girl too.
And you were just like me, and I was just like you

from "When I Was a Boy" by Dar Williams

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abaya

I should clarify something I said earlier... the times I have seen my husband "cry," it's usually that he has gotten teary-eyed but does not actually cry visibly. But from him, even something like that is pretty powerful... and so to me, I call it "crying" because I know how intense his emotions have to be, for him to react that way. I respect that a lot... it's a huge thing to feel that much.

He teared up at our wedding, and that in itself made me quite emotional... neither of us were bawling of course, but there were some pretty special moments in all of that. It's a powerful thing to look into each others' eyes and share that experience.

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KellyC

Well, I used to cry a lot in my last relationship. I actually hated myself because of it too. Not because I'm crying over someone who isn't worth it, but rather it doesn't do a damn thing for me. Laughter makes me feel good. I find that if I release my anger, usually by screaming realy loud when n one's around, the stress also goes with it. But what does crying do? Nothing. I feel helpless and weak when I cry. Yes, I do know it's perfectly ok for a man to cry, but that's how I feel. It's because I let my emotions control me instead of the other way around. Now I'm kind of a stoic, but I do smile and laugh when I feel good. Just not gonna cry when I feel sad. I just shrug it off now.

I don't care about it being unmanly to cry or not to cry. If it's a healthy way of dealing with what ever gets to you, then go for it.

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analog

Everyone reacts to stressors, both positive and negative, differently. It's absurd to base an opinion like "you're not passionate enough" on the simple fact that you don't cry.

She wanted to see you hurt, or elated, at those other times that she was hurt, or elated. She felt like you didn't care as much as she did simply because you didn't cry. It's also bunk to be told "I just don't cry" isn't a reason simply because other guys she's dated in the past have cried.

Again- everyone is affected by things differently, and your lack of crying does not mean you're not just as passionately attached, or filled with sadness, as the one bawling her eyes out.

I loved my grandfather deeply. I lost him overnight- while we were visiting for the weekend- to a stroke. I didn't cry- I was 8. I mourned him, but I just don't cry. Some people just don't express sadness/elation like that. Just help her understand that.

Influenced by society? Yes. Influenced by your biology? Yes. Therefore- the same for everyone? Obviously no.

Jozrael

Is it bad if you want so very badly to be able to cry and just find yourself physiologically/psychologically unable?

little_tippler

I have always cried when I felt I had to. Sometimes I would cry in situations where I didn't want to but couldn't help it. It's quite a powerful feeling in me, that I can't stop. I can feel it welling up inside and then it starts to come out, even when I'm trying hard not to let it. I can cry easily in relation to others' emotions, even if I never met them or the situation isn't real exactly, like if I'm watching a film that's particularly sad or poignant, if I let myself get wrapped in it enough I can feel the tears coming. I feel no shame in it, it's just the way I am. My feelings are pretty much on the surface most of the time, there's no hiding it for me.

I'm a pretty emotional person, I guess I feel things quite strongly, possibly in some situations more strongly than others. In my last relationship, whenever there was a problem, I always wanted to get it out of my system, so I'd try and talk to my ex about the problem. He never wanted to talk about problems. It would get to the extreme of me being so desperate to communicate with him, explaining that something was hurting me or really depressing me and he would ignore me. In the end I'd wind up crying because I was so desperate for us to get along, but he always ignored that, quite openly. He would even say that I was pretending to cry and push me away. That is pretty cruel.

I have always tried my hardest to be open about my feelings. Not that it's gotten me anywhere. I couldn't be with another guy like my ex, simply because it's too frustrating and demeaning to feel so much and be corresponded with so little.

To the OP, I think your girlfriend's problem isn't the fact that you don't cry, it's the fact that you (as you say yourself), don't seem to emote much over anything. And personally I'd find that worrying too. Sorry to be blunt.

As for men not crying, it's a social stigma of course, but also has to do with the way men and women feel things or deal with them. Kind of what Gilda said. For me, I'd rather have a man who feels things openly. If he feels like crying, fine. I'd rather a man who cries when he needs to than one who never cries at all. If you feel something intensely, and you want to cry, why wouldn't you?

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Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

Fernando Pessoa, 1918

Plumcake

I think crying, particularly in front of others, is a nature-nurture thing. Some people have not been encouraged to cry; in fact, likely most men are taught as boys that it's a sign of weakness. They're supposed to suck it up. Our culture still treats it as an aberration in men. Maybe a leftover Victorian effect? When my mother was dying, my father said he didn't want to see any tears. At the time, it seemed very cold of him to say that, but he's not a cold man, just not demonstrative. I had to tell him there were going to be tears among his children, and he accepted that. In fact, he brought out a photo of my mother when she was young, began to tell me a story about them in their youth, and tears came to his eyes. He was heartbreakingly confused by tears in his own eyes, this strong man who can take anything and keep going. It helped me understand that how others react to hurt and pain is theirs -- it belongs to them, not me -- and my opinions about whether someone should cry or not are immaterial.

I don't think you need an excuse for not crying.

Zeraph

Men who are too afraid to cry are cowards. Holding in your emotions is being less human not more manly.

Marvelous Marv

A man shedding a few tears at a wedding or whatever isn't a big deal.

I've always felt that people who are so determined to see another person, man or woman, blubbering away have some kind of warped desire to feel superior to the one who's demonstrating a breakdown of emotional control.

Why in the world would anyone get enjoyment, gratification, or whatever from seeing someone else cry from sadness?

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abaya

I don't think any of us on this thread are advocating that viewpoint, Marv. Perhaps the OP's girlfriend is "determined" to see him cry, but most of us aren't hell-bent on getting our SO's to start bawling. The point in my posts was to say that WHEN my husband gets teary, I have a great deal of respect and admiration for those times... I never see it as a weakness. Do I actively WANT him to get blubbery on a regular basis? Hell no, one of us doing that is enough trouble as it is!! But I am *open* to him expressing his emotions in that manner, and it is an expression that translates easily to me (it goes far beyond words). That's all.

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Jinn

Will nailed it all. I get quiet when I'm sad, and become internal rather than external. As such, very little happens externally. Certainly, holding it in to be a "man" is silly, but I really don't feel the need to cry. Finally, I really resent the implication by many that I'm somehow less committed to a relationship if I don't become overly excited or overly sad when things occur.

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Infinite_Loser

The only person I've ever cried in front of was my ex. Even though I typically keep my feelings bottled up and never cry, it was one of those things which I couldn't help.

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Average_Joe

Thank you all for your input, and wow, what a wide range of opinions and ideas. I just want to share a couple more of my own to round out the discussion.

Throughout my childhood to pre-teen years, I would cry at the drop of a hat. Sadness, cuts and scrapes, teasing, frustration....it didn't take much. I found it to be embarassing to cry in front of others, and I tried to suppress it at much as possible.

The last 2 times I remember crying were in college (~15 years ago). The first time was when I thought I was going to flunk out my Freshman year. The second time was when I learned that I was going to get above a 3.0 one semester as a Sophomore. So, one instance was due to sadness and he other due to joy (and seeing my accomplishments compared to Freshman year). Both times I was alone. Anyone, I went from being the blubbering boy to stoic adult.

The only time I ever "cry" now is when I hear certain songs on the radio that bring back memories or songs that might have a sad sounding tune. Oh...and when I cut up onions.

The thought of me crying at this point in my life wouldn't feel embarassing. I'm happy to share any of my feelings with my wife. Our relationship is solid, and we have had many heart-to-heart talks that were emotional. I just never had the impulse to start crying. I've never tried to hold back from crying...it just never got to that point.

When I'm happy, I release emotion through laughter, smiling, hugging, and even dancing, but never crying. When I'm sad, I just get quiet or angry. I'm also an eternal optomist, so typically when something bad happens in my life, I always feel like things will turn out OK, so I don't remain sad for long.

Personally, I don't think there's anything wrong with me, but I wasn't sure how common it was for a man to cry or not to cry.

Again, thanks for your helpful input!

analog

Awesome line.

sasKuach

Yeah, I'm also in the quiet club. Crying just isn't something I even associate with my feeling of sadness. It's something I consciously let out later in the day when I'm alone and reflecting.

The only times I really cried was when my dog died, when my cat died, and when my grandfather died. Maybe once every one or two years I might get teary eyed and feel my chin tremble a bit.

Toaster126

I only get teary eyed when I'm really mad. I remember a couple of school incidents where I had an altercation with someone and my eyes started to moisten. They picked up on that as a weakness, rather than a warning they were about to be punched in the face.

Nowadays, I don't get angry over anything, and I certainly don't cry when I'm sad.

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Xera

Toaster, that makes sense, I cry when I'm very angry too. I had the same problem in school when I was a kid, I would start crying 'cause someone really pissed me off, and they would say something like, "oh did I hurt your feelings" and then she was all surprised when I kicked her in the stomache. I told her I was mad, but she wouldn't listen.

One thing emotional I do that I never understood, and it got me in a lot of trouble with my mom, when I'm really scared or a similar emotion, I smile. I cannot help it! Mom would be ranting and screaming and I would get that smile on my face and she thought I was being disrespectful and get even angrier at me. Oh that one caused me SO much trouble.

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surferlove007

I've only dated one guy who bawled over me. This recent summer I dated this guy Nate and he cried everytime I talked about going away to school. He also told me he loved me about two weeks into our relationship...clingy! I could tell it was kind of funky when that happened, but toward the end of the summer, I felt it couldn't come fast enough I broke it off with him and he sat down and just bawled his eyes out. I didn't shed a tear, I patted him on the back and said bye. Made me feel like a cold hearted bitch but its fine. He knew it wasn't going to last, he kept trying to press the issue of long distance, and I've been down that road, it dead ends anyway.
It repulsed me to see him cry that much. Occasionally its alright but he just made me sick when it would happen so often. I couldn't believe what a baby he was.
Since then I don't care for men who cry alot. I realize I have my moments and I cry when I'm upset and I don't know what men think of women who cry (what do you guys think if a girl cries on occasion due to stress/upset/school/misc?) I just don't think i could ever date a cryer again. Not for me.

hagatha

I've never understood why crying is seen as synonymous with weakness. Expressing emotions freely just means you're more transparent about how you feel. If you don't cry when you're sad sure you're not transparent but the emotion is still there, right? So how is it manifesting itself? Pissiness? Frustration? Freezing people out? Oh that's really healthy.
I like being in touch with how I feel and am never afraid to express it. It's not weakness, its self awareness, a rare thing these days.

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Ourcrazymodern?

I cry whenever I FEEL like it - isn't that what crying's all about? For me, it's usually loss or fear of failure, but sometimes it arises unexpectedly and for other reasons entirely.
Just the other day I teared up listening to "She Fucking Hates Me", and that was after I asked my boss to play it for me because I was feeling dissatisfied with my wife. Was that embarassing? A bit, but he was very nice about it. Share what you feel; sometimes it's more important than sharing what you think!

dcloues

I associate crying with sensitivity and vulnerability. From there, it's easy to associate them with weakness, but I think that's doing it a disservice. Sensitivity is a good thing. Opening up and letting what's going on inside out can be a remarkable experience for everyone involved. I think it's no surprise that crying is seen as a sign of weakness: our emotions do make us vulnerable, and it takes a certain degree of trust to share them with others. If you don't trust them, or if you expect them to take advantage of it (to make fun of you, etc.), then crying does become a sort of weakness.

I cry around my girlfriend and (rarely) my family, and my close friends. I'm pretty introverted, and I tend to keep things to myself. For me it's mostly about trust and understanding, not about weakness. I don't hide the fact that I cry; I just don't do it around others. For a while I had a hard time accepting this - I cried a lot as a kid, and I got made fun of it, and so for a long time I held back all of my emotions because I didn't want other people to make fun of me. Even now, when I know that won't happen, it's still hard to get out of those habits that I learned so long ago. It doesn't bother me, though. With anything as personal as that, I expect everyone to have their own approach to it, and mine works well enough for me.

cybersharp

yea, I am a guy and I cry. If there is a time of severe emotional duress or somthing has set me off in a specific way I may cry yea... This is certainly not a weakness however, in either way be it physical or mental.

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Sultana

I used to never ever cry, mostly due to emotional abuse as a kid, and tears were a trumpet announcing my vulnerability, and the success of my tormentor--which typically triggered more abuse.

After counseling, I allowed myself the luxury of emotional release. Now I cry when I'm sad, angry, happy, all the damn time. BUT I'm very good at hiding it. I cry at movies, music, and life situations. I think I mostly cry when I'm angry (hello, rage might be a better word), which infuriates me even more--lack of control, announcement of vulnerability. I tend to be very much in control, or at least that's what I strive for.

I have seen my hubby cry, typically when remembering a family member who has passed on. It never bothers me--the crying itself. If we're having a discussion, and he gets emotional and I don't, well there's always the discomfort of being on two different emotional levels.

But his actual release into tears makes me feel like we're similar people. I'd hate it if I was the only one who cried, between the two of us.

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CandleInTheDark

I have only cried (as a teenager and an adult) when I have lost emotional control. I don't mean I lost my ability to suppress my emotionas, I mean I lost my ability to focus that emotional energy into constructive force. Crying when I am sad, or angry, or happy, does nothing for me but induce feelings of helplessness. And getting over those feelings sometimes feels like an eternity.

I will stick with not crying.

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hrandani

I lose respect for people when they cry in a situation where they are needed to pull their shit together and move on, or generally act helpless. I don't blame them, I just have no respect for their choice, and their weakness. In the same vein, I will never respect people who yell.

Crying doesn't make you, or show you are weak. It's not innately unmanly. That quality is decided when and where you choose to let yourself. There are times and places for crying. It's a question of dignity.

Ourcrazymodern?

Thank you all. The diversity of opinion here is so refreshing. It's kind of like a rainbow. Does anybody cry from allergies, and other natural pollutions that make it seem to others as though you're near to tears when in fact you're not? Situations involving powerlessness, or the perception thereof? Onions?
Maybe evoking a tear outside of where is proper is proper. {?}

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