Crack

The subject line puts forth the question best: How important is sex in a relationship?

Assume all factors being the same in two identical relationships, same two people, same everything, except in one relationship one partner wants to have sex, and the other doesn't.

Can the relationship survive?

I understand that the reason behind the two people not having sex factors into the equation. As in one partner is sick, or otherwise medically unable. But for this question, assume that it is more of a sex drive issue, and not a medical problem.

I tend to believe that not having sex in an otherwise healthy relationship puts a huge amount of doubt, hurt feelings, and stress on the partner that is still wanting to have sex. To be completely rejected any and every time by someone must start to take a toll. Personally, I would be hurt at first, then frustrated, and then I would begin to resent them. Sexual drive plays the most important part in the desire to have sex, but when the desire is gone, what else is left? The desire to keep the other person happy? I don't think that is fair to the other partner that is lacking the sex drive.

Considering the two examples I gave above, the two identical relationships, how would you react? How long would you (or could you) last in your current relationship if your partner would no longer have sex with you? Would it matter if they wanted to, but there was a psychological problem preventing them; i.e. panic attacks, stress reactions? What if there was a physical problem?

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Sage

I think a really big factor would be the attitude towards sex that was held by both of the partners. If Martel and I found ourselves unable, for whatver reason, to not have sex, it would be an issue only if we didn't talk about it. If it was because of an injury or whatever, we'd still find ways to enjoy our sexuality together and maintain that intimancy that comes from having sexual relations. We've already dealt with psychological stuff, and that is harder to deal with, doubly so when one partner doesn't want to talk about the things that are bothering them.

Intimacy is a huge part of any relationship. Are you closer friends with someone you can really talk to and relate to, or someone that barely looks up when you walk into a room? Sex is a very obvious and immediate way to foster intimacy, but by no means the only way. A sexless relationship would be difficult, for sure, but it wouldn't be a dealbreaker, at least in my opnion.

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swmnkdinthervr

A huge percentage of communication in a romantic relationship is by physical contact followed by subtle or overt gestures, last and possibly least is talking...

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abaya

Well, physical contact is a big deal, but that's not what the OP is about... he is asking about sex in particular.

For me, talking/communication is HUGE, and definitely takes precedence over anything else in the relationship. Words are very important to me, both giving and receiving them, so that could never be replaced by sex.

That said, I used to believe that sex was not that important to a relationship (back when I was an adamant virgin and rather religious, too). I've since come to understand how very important it can be... though, as Sage said, it all depends on the circumstances. If my partner could not have sex for some reason, that wouldn't be a dealbreaker... we would find other ways of being physically intimate. Of course, if he just didn't find me desirable anymore, or vice versa... and if it was an effort just to cuddle... well, that would be a dealbreaker.

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Ustwo

Lots of hypotheticals there that would take a paper to really answer so I'll stick to the general idea.

I would think for most people, a romantic relationship working without sex only works in movies and medieval poetry.

After my wife had our child she had almost zero sex drive for about six months or so. I'm in a interesting situation where I have an outlet for sex outside of marriage with a good friend of ours, so the pure sex drive was taken care of (and no I've never cheated on my wife, we conservatives are kinky). Despite this, the lack of sex between us was putting a strain on our relationship. It wasn't just the lack of sex, but the change in personality that seems to follow a lack of sex drive. When your spouse becomes closer to a roomate than a mate, its going to put a strain on the relationship. Anyways we had some long discussions about this, but talking about it doesn't return the sex drive. Once she cut down on the breast feeding, her sex drive went up (I would marry a woman where if anything MAY decrease sex drive, she will be one of those women) and she was back to normal.

Had her sex drive not returned, I don't think I would have stayed married. I'd still be married now and we would undoubtedly be trying to figure out what was wrong, but in the long run a sexless marriage doesn't work, unless both have no sex drive. I know people in sexless marriages where one still has a strong sex drive and every one of them is miserable.

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abaya

Well, yeah. Agreed. Being all nice and friendly with each other is great, but without the sexual fulfillment of an erotic relationship... a roommate would be cheaper and a lot easier to live with than a spouse!

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Crack

or a partner in general.

But is that what it really boils down to? Without sex in a relationship, are you really just good friends that used to have sex, reguardless of the fact that you are still together?

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rmarshall

Well, a romantic relationship is about sex. Otherwise it's just two friends living together. If two friends living together, then it should be acceptable to go get sex elsewhere. If the friend objects, then there's a problem.
Communication and honesty is very important. If there's to be no sex or hope for sex, then the one that wants it should be free to go get it.

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jimk

from personal experience..........

when the rugrats come along, that's a real test of the relationship. i am fortunate to still get along famously with my wife even though we are not boning anywhere near as frequently as we did in the salad days. not to say there weren't a few bitter adjustments phases here & there.

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ratbastid

Well, that's a different question. Are you in a relationship that used to feature regular (or regular enough) sex, in which the sexual activity dwindled and ended? (I don't mean you, Crack, that's the abstract "you".) Or is it a relationship that has everything a relationship has, but sex isn't part of it?

In the former, there's something going on to be dealt with, especially if the interest in sex is unbalanced. Left un-dealt-with, the issues behind that could easily end the relationship. Interestingly, it's usually NOT about the sex itself, but about intimacy or trust issues that the sex trouble is a symptom of. I grant that there are exceptions like Ustwos'.

If it's a relationship that includes love and intimacy and all the stuff a relationship contains, but no sex, I don't necessarily see anything wrong with that. Provided it's the honest choice of both (or all) parties, I think that's fine. I think it's exceedingly rare, and if I ever heard of such a thing happening, I'd have to wonder if everybody really WAS okay with it, but if they were, then god bless.

doncalypso

This thread hits very close to home because I'm currently in a committed relationship where my girlfriend has pretty much lost her sex drive due to the interaction of the synthetic thyroid hormones she's taking (she has hypothyroidism) and the hormones from the NuvaRing. For the past two to three months now she hasn't had any desire for sex, and whenever we do have sex it's because she's offering it as an appeasment gesture to pacify me rather than because she's horny.


Other than the great divide between our sex drives I could definitely see myself marrying this woman. But if her libido remains low like it is then I don't know whether I'd ever ask her to marry me because I just could not endure a sexless marriage. As Ustwo put it, sexless marriages only work in movies (especially chick flicks) and medieval poetry.

Don't get me wrong---there's more to a relationship than sex (especially in a marriage), but if the gulf between the sex drives of both partners is so great that no sex hardly ever happens (or it's only an act of appeasement on the woman's part rather than a genuine desire for sexual intimacy with her man) then the relationship will ultimately fail. If I ever have to come to the point where I have to choose between being in a sexless relationship and cheating or being single I think I'll leave and be single because it's too humiliating to be married or in a committed relationship and not get any sex.

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Ustwo

I know of three women, including my wife, who have gone off the ring due to a decrease in sex drive. None of them were on thyroid hormones, so not to thread jack but have her switch or go off entirely.

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absorbentishe

I think it's a top 3 foresure. If you can not be intimate, then what's the point? If in my marriage, my wife did not want to be involved any more, then I'd/we would have issues. It was harder when the children were younger, and the sex wasn't so often, but the sex was there. Now that the youngest is 4, our sex life has gotten sooooooooo much better.

Toaster126

Yeah. You don't marry your roommate.

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Infinite_Loser

"Not a factor in remaining close in a romantic relationship."

That was my choice and I'll tell you why. If you make sex the most, or even close to the most important, aspect of a relationship, it's going to almost always be doomed to failure. Sooner or later someone in the relationship is going to lose their sex drive-- It's inevitable. If your relationship is largely based on sex, when the sex goes so does the relationship. I've seen it happen a few times, as a few good friends of mine went through the same thing.

Sex is great and all, but it shouldn't dictate why you're with with the person you're with (If that makes sense). Meh... Whatever happened to love, friendship, the ability to communicate, understanding and all of those old-fashioned concepts?

Mantus

Voted most important. Sensuality is the only thing that actually MAKES a romantic relationship. Without it, sure you may have a nice relationship but, it's no longer romantic.


Marriage + kids is a whole other ballgame.

analog

Very important. Very.

Apart from the physical acts of sex themselves, there are the psychological and emotional connections created and sustained with sex. Even sexual acts that aren't penetration, like oral sex (given to either) or genital stimulation (fingering/handjob) can really strengthen a relationship through the intimate conditions these activities create.

So, as far as I'm concerned, it's quite essential.

genuinegirly

Finding an answer required a considerable amount of soul-searching.

My response: Sex is not a factor.

I do believe that sex is enjoyable. It is meaningful and precious, wonderful, stress-relieving, and adds a definite spark to life. But I cannot view it as essential. There are other methods of intimacy. In my view, a truly compatable relationship involves more than a sexual attraction. It is a meeting of the mind and spirit. Perhaps sex is the simplest path to such an enduring love - but it is by no means the only. I view celibacy as a remarkably difficult choice, especially after knowing the joy of traditional intimacy. But for me, sex cannot be a requirement for sharing one's life goals and dreams.

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Average_Joe

Right now, if my wife lost her sex drive and we no longer had sex, I think it would cause a great deal of stress for both of us because she knows I have a fairly high sex drive, and she wants to make me happy. Overall, I think I would adapt and find ways to overcome this problem. I could not leave my wife because she is my best friend, and I find that more satisfying than sex.

Also, the way I see things, it would depend on how old you are and how many years you have been together. If you had asked me 10 years ago, when my wife and I were engaged, I would have chosen the 1st or 2nd options in the poll. Now, 10 years later, I would choose the 2nd or 3rd option. I'm sure that some-to-most married couples in their 60's or older would choose the 3rd or 4th options in the poll.

Sage

I think Average_Joe has hit on something- the age of the people in the relationship and how long they've been together. Back when Martel and I were first together, we had sex like.... eight to ten times a week, and thought that's the way it was and was going to be. Now we have sex oh... once or twice a week due to working, and that's ok too, because we know WHY we're only having sex once or twice a week. It's not an "issue", it's just the way things are.

If Martel had diabeties and we'd been married for thirty years, and the diabeties had made it difficult for him to have sex, I know he'd be very frustrated and it would be a deal within our marriage. But it wouldn't be an "issue" because we'd know WHY we weren't having sex, and we'd take every step available to correct the issue. I also tend to lump anything and everything sexual, including masturbation, kissing, and cuddling naked, into "sex." I think that sexual intimacy is important and fufilling a nitche in the relationship that can't be filled any other way.

I completely agree with the roommate thing. You can be totally friendly and communicative with your husband, but if you're not even kissing each other there's 1/3 of your relationship missing.

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jimk

this is really good for me to read.........

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pornclerk

I believe that sex is very important in a relationship. It is a way to express love to that person on a deeper level. Also, when you think about it logically, people have sexual needs. If these needs are not being filled then it causes some frustration.
It's funny how people respond so conservatively when they feel it is something that only benefits them.

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uptown

"how important is sex in a relationship?"

A great question and one that I'm struggling with now.

Gilda

I voted top three. I'd put trust and communication ahead of sex, but a healthy sexual relationship is a necessary component.

The key there being that "healthy" doesn't need to mean that the couple is having a lot of sex, just that the amount of sex and the manner is such that it's able to fulfill the sexual needs of both partners, which could mean very little to none if both are in the category of having a low sex drive.

I also draw a distinction between a sexual relationship and a romantic relationship. Romance isn't entirely about sex. It's a component, sure, but there are other components to a relationship, even a physical relationship, that contribute. Cuddling with Grace is a big part of the physical relationship we share, along with frequent hugs, kissing, sleeping together, massages and foot rubs, dancing either in our living room or in a club, even just holding hands when out together. There are a hundred physical things we do that aren't sex, all of them important to some degree.

If Grace and I were to stop having sex tomorrow, I'd still consider our relationship to be the most important thing in my life, so long as the trust, the communication, the support, the other forms of physical affection were still there, and I'd still think of us as romantic partners and lovers. We still have sex three to four times a week on average, about the same as when we moved in together.

Gilda

World's King

I think it's pretty important. My girlfriend couldn't care less about it.


It's an interesting situation.

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shesus

I feel that sex is important because as others pointed out it is an intimate thing that helps create and maintain a special bond between two people. And if you are married or serious, it is a bond that should be unique and special to just that couple. Of course, just sex isn't the most important, but also physical contact in general, which can be cuddling or other forms of physical contact.
This is very true. If you are with somebody and you are constantly thwarted, you start wondering why and those are the exact order of the feelings one would feel. Plus, it makes one think 'What is wrong with me?' Especially if low self-esteem has been an issue in the past. I think that this is one of the main factors that cause people to search for something outside the current relationship.

Communication is important, but once hurt and resentment is formed, communication begins to drop off as well. If you stated your feelings and you get a not-so positive response, why keep going on about it? People just disengage from the issue and either accept it how it is or think of other ways to fix the problem. And some of the solutions may be damaging.

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Jack1.0

Sex is a very real physical, and emotional need of healthy human beings. Two people with radically different sex drives are going to be starting the race at a huge disadvantage. HUGE! Sex is very important to a relationship, I consider it to be top 3.

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Impetuous1

I voted that it's in the top 3 only because of the fact that I have a very high sex drive. It's true though that it isn't everything. For me, honesty would definitely be number one with communication coming second. My SO has a very high sex drive too and we match up very well. I imagine at some point our sex drives will slow down but we've been going at it like a couple of rabbits for five years. Sex, I can honestly say, is one of the biggest factors we're together and what has gotten us through some tough times. A similar sense of humor also helps too.

One thing no one has brought up is sex as just a tension reliever, fun. I've had a past relationship where I really didn't care anything much for the man but just enjoyed the sex. There was no real bonding there. With my SO, sometimes we have sex and on occasion, we make love.

Prince

Sex is one of those things that a lot of people view as a mainly physical act. Which it is, but its effect, or lack thereof's effect on a relationship, or even just a person, is of obvious magnitude.

I know people who dismiss its importance, saying that it's not as important for a relationship as mutual goals or whatever. While I don't dismiss the other important parts of what makes a good relationship, sex is integral, and to say that it isn't is just a way of kidding yourself into problems later on, especially since it is likely that you can never be certain your spouse has as lackluster feelings towards it.

Sex is the oil in the machinery of a romantic relationship.

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captobvious

I think it's hard to isolate sex as a single factor in a relationship. Sex is dependent on so many different aspects that if one person doesn't want to have sex in a relationship, it's likely that there are other issues contributing to this lack of a sex drive.

If it were due to a physical problem though, it's hard to say. In that case, the person may still want to have sex but physically can't. I don't think I can say how I would react to this without actually experiencing it. I'd like to think that I would be able to deal with it if I really loved the person, but a lot things in life are easier said than done.

FallenAvatar

This is a subject that is different from relationship to relationship, but it is one of the major failing factors in relationships.

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Mr_Tickles

It's all down to how much the need for intimacy is linked to your self esteem, and if you consider your sex life to be one of the "tell-tale" signs that things aren't well in your relationship.

I've always felt that when the sex becomes less frequent or "one sided" (i.e. the other person is doing it out of obligation or guilt) then there is something rotten in the state of denmark.

However, I've never been married. It strikes me that all relationships go through this lull. Wow. It really makes me worry to be honest.



Cheers

R

American

From a Biblical perspective, it is the sole reason for "marriage".

Genesis 2:24 (King James Version)
Most of the time men are the first to notice that sex is reduced or lacking. This isn't of course the rule, but women need to understand that sex is not optional in marriage. The promise doesn't end at forsaking all others, no it doesn't end there. It assumes that each spouse will diligently see to the needs of the other.
1 Corinthians 7
So if you deprive your spouse of sex, then are you not going against Bible teachings? If your spouse then commits adultery or fornication, who is at fault? Based on this I say both.
I have no doubt that many have never seen these verses or been told this view of marriage. You wear the ring but don't know it's purpose. Everyone should read up on the history of this stuff.

Anyway my main point is, don't ever use money or sex as leverage in your relationship. It is a huge mistake.

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