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Old 04-22-2006, 06:44 AM   #1 (permalink)
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My girlfriend cries, please help me, I'm stumped.

Hi,

I've been with her for 6 months. And yes we're quite close already, and everything's fine really. I pamper her a lot and am very nice to her. I doubt I have done anything wrong at all..

But here's the problem, and it's very depressing. She cries a lot. Over small issues. I ask her why she cries. She doesn't know most of the time. She's very sensitive and has very little control over her tears. She tells me different reasons why she cries :

1. She feels it's better for me to be with someone else, more emotionally stable - I keep telling her off as this is not true, because she loves me so much and I'm fine with her, I wouldn't want to be with someone else. I love her.

2. She's afraid we will part when I go to UK to study Medicine soon. 5 years is a long time. But I already assured her that I'll come back to Malaysia every term break, and we can always make up for lost time. I will still love her, yes. And we'll try to work through the long distance as much as we can. If all else fails, we shall worry about that later, not now.

3. She finds it hard to trust someone, even me at the moment, although I've given her all I can emotionally and physically give her. I'm not frustrated at this, because I'm mostly carefree and not bothered (as you can tell by that, I'm quite happy in the relationship).

4. She feels she's selfish and doesn't love me enough. But I have already assured her that she does, and I had never imagine myself being loved so much. She's hardly selfish, always coming over and dropping stuff, food, chocolates. I should be doing that.

5. She tells me she feels she has wronged me, by putting me in odd positions throughout this relationship. That she has not been considerate enough. I told her I don't mind, because she's experiencing all these for the first time, and I'm cool with her bringing stuff up.

And there are loads more reasons why she cries, she's pessimistic and always worrying about what the future might hold. I on the other hand, am an optimist, living for the moment, and not a care in the world of what might/could/will happen.

But what I care for now is her. I am stumped and have no control at all over this situation. I feel that I am the reason she cries because she was never this way before she was with me. She feels she isn't fit for a relationship. Help me. Please..~
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Old 04-22-2006, 07:00 AM   #2 (permalink)
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i would say you are doing just fine...you are being exactly right with her and i am guessing she wants reasurrance from you when she cries..how often exactly is it?keeping talking can only help...try and bring her round to your point of view as it is a lot of a happier way to live!

is everything else in her life ok?if so she is lucky and should be enjoyin herself
if you love her the way she is and reassure her all the time, that you love her and want to be with her, then she should be gratefull.....she is lucky to have a guy whom is so understandng
also..tears are tears.it may overwhelm someone whom does not cry often..but they arent a measure of how upset she is...she may just cry real tears easier thanthe majority
Bear in mind though, some people cant change the wya they think..she may always be a worrier!

good luck
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Old 04-22-2006, 07:05 AM   #3 (permalink)
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She cries on a daily basis, which is why it worries me so much.

Her life is perfectly normal. She lives in a big family, 6 siblings if I'm not mistaken.

It bothers me, she is not calm most of the time. They are really sad tears. She is tearing up inside. She always says she misses me and sometimes I am lucky to call her when she's crying to calm her down..

I don't know what to do really. I just need her to feel happier. Thanks for replying festered.
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When you sit on a hot stove for two minutes, it seems like two hours.
That's relativity."

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Old 04-22-2006, 07:23 AM   #4 (permalink)
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You honestly don't know what the future will hold... Five years, in another country, around different people, is a long time... You can't honestly say that you will still love her, yes you'd like to, but it's not necessarily so... (wow was that cynical...) She's just being realistic and that can really hurt somehow... especially if she doesn't think her concerns are being listened to.. (that can be frustrating- and I know in my case-- I will cry before I get angry -- tears are my way of dealing with frustration and not being able to make my point heard - at least in personal relationships - I have no problem getting angry at work...

She sounds like she's got some major self esteem issues (I'm intimately familiar with those) and honestly, they aren't up to you to fix... She's got to do it herself... opce i figure out how, I'll let you know... Self esteem has to come from within- not from external sources...

Trusting people is hard to do... and telling a nontrusting person to trust someone- is like throwing a shy person into a big room and saying don't be shy - trust comes over time... trust is earned... and sounds like you are on your way to doing that... consistency in a person is what earns my trust... that and just acknowledging me.

Personality wise.. sounds like you two are complete opposites... and you need to find a middle ground... she's thrown a lot at you as to why she cries... I'd probably break it down point by point... I have a similar personality type as her (chronic worrier... among other things) you keep saying yu dont mind... I think in my mind (however twisted that might be) I'm going tto think- well at some point he's going to mind... and dump my behind... so, I'm going to show him all the reasons why he should dump me...

The negative side, and I've seen this in action with other people, though I don't think i've ever doneit myself... Tears can be a subtle form of manipulation... she's crying because she wants you to say some things or do somethings - which goes back to the self esteem issue... she should be telling herself the things she wants to hear... not waiting for you to say them
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Old 04-22-2006, 08:48 AM   #5 (permalink)
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i definently caught a whiff of self esteem issues like mal said, and theres really not much you can do except be supportive and hope she gets over them on her own...


to be honest about the going away to med school thing... i went thru the seperation with my high school girlfriend... and it really just wasnt worth the hassle to keep the relationship going. I was in a new exciting place, meeting tons of new people with similar interests and education goals, in hindsight I think I should have left that girlfriend when I went away to college...

not the same for everyone, but thats the way it worked for me.
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Old 04-22-2006, 10:43 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Trusting people is hard to do... and telling a nontrusting person to trust someone- is like throwing a shy person into a big room and saying don't be shy - trust comes over time... trust is earned... and sounds like you are on your way to doing that... consistency in a person is what earns my trust... that and just acknowledging me.

----------------------------

Just relating my past experience here. The only time I wasn't in a happy and secure relationship was when I couldn't trust my ex bf. He was a complete flirt and it seemed to bother me a lot as he preferred an open relationship. To him, seeing and dating other people on a regular basis was perfectly normal. I wasn't possesive or anything like that and I did meet up with old friends once in a while myself. However, I just could not understand why he would rather see other women (regularly I mean) as I only met up with close friends during the time that we were together. Boy, my instincts proved right when he eventually cheated.

The main thing you should aim for now is to gain her trust. Well, perhaps you should try to make her feel that she is the only woman for you. Show her that she is first above all the others. Try spending more time with her doing things together. When she starts trusting you, she'll probably know that you won't leave her and with hopes, emotionally secure that you will always be there for her

That's what I think. If only there was trust in my previous year long relationship, things would have been much better. I felt that my ex did not put in much effort and I on the other hand was giving in too much.

Hope this piece of advice comes in handy as it actually happened to me before What is the significance of a relationship without trust? Earn her trust and everything will work out well I hope. Good luck!
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Old 04-22-2006, 11:44 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Mal : I didn't mean for "I will still love her" to sound the way it did. I was going for something else. But I will try to do that regardless, though it may seem over-ambitious to say now.

I don't get why she doesn't trust me really. She told me she did once, she told me she was secure once too. *sigh* I have already told her everything I need to gain her trust, have reassured her countless times about how secure I am with her.

I just seem to face a dead end now. It's quite hard to see/hear/know her crying almost more than once a day. It breaks me.

So basically, it boils down to this : I can't do anything about it, but sit it out and be there. But I've been doing that for the past 6 months, reassuring and reassuring over and over again that nothing bad is gonna happen anytime soon. I'm here, and will always try my best to be. She cries even when I'm there beside her.. she thinks so negatively, she sees it in a way that when I'm there, it'll be only for a while, then she has to let me go, and start missing me again.

*groan* I'm stuck, really. She thinks of the moments we spend together, and she feels depressed cos she starts missing me and stuff. I on the other hand cherish those moments and it brings joy. Why can't she do the same. I guess it's just different personalities.

I don't mind sitting it out, being beside her and try to work things out. But time is going to run out for me.. and I don't have much left to try to work things out to the best of it before I go. I'm worried that she would break badly if I leave her in a semi-wounded state.
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When you sit on a hot stove for two minutes, it seems like two hours.
That's relativity."

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Old 04-22-2006, 12:06 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Quote:
I just seem to face a dead end now. It's quite hard to see/hear/know her crying almost more than once a day. It breaks me.
As tough as it is... you're going on to a very exciting phase in your life - onethat willl effect your future...maybe it's time to ask yourself if the good outweighs the bad... and is it really time to cut your losses now... people who are that high maintenace and frustrating are not the best people to leave behind when you go off to school (and come home only on breaks...)

She's got to find it in herself... be honest with her how her crying makes you feel...
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Old 04-22-2006, 12:14 PM   #9 (permalink)
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I've told her it breaks me.

and how happiness is what I want most from her.

Somehow it seldom registers. *sigh* It's painful Mal, I wouldn't want anything to happen to her when everything for her right now seems wrong.
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"When you sit with a nice girl for two hours, it seems like two minutes.
When you sit on a hot stove for two minutes, it seems like two hours.
That's relativity."

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Old 04-22-2006, 12:22 PM   #10 (permalink)
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From the surface, this seems to me like she is trying to MAKE you break up with her. Perhaps she doesn't want a boyfriend right now, or maybe she doesn't want to be with you any longer. I'm a pessemist when it comes to stuff like this so don't take my comment to seriously, but just consider it a thought. Maybe she is trying to make your life a living hell so you will end the relationship because she doesn't have enough guts to. She doesn't want you to be away from her for the next 5 years.
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Old 04-22-2006, 12:30 PM   #11 (permalink)
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I highly doubt it's that. She tells me all sorts of things to make me feel otherwise.

But yes, I think the main reason for her to be crying is because of the seperation.
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"When you sit with a nice girl for two hours, it seems like two minutes.
When you sit on a hot stove for two minutes, it seems like two hours.
That's relativity."

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Old 04-22-2006, 09:05 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Does she cry purely with issues involving you, or do you think her 'emotional' phases are a little more deep seeded? If so, should you be encouraging her to seek some professional help.

Being as supportive as you are can only last so long before you get jack of it and throw in the towel. Unless she's really, really special and potentially the 'one' I'd be feeling a little cramped by now. She sounds like she has low self esteem problems.

You do have a big opportunity and an exciting time ahead of you. Don't be made to feel like you're abandoning her and been made out to be selfish. You can only guide and hold someone's hand for so long before they have to learn to walk themselves.
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Old 04-22-2006, 10:45 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Thanks savvypup

I think the issues just involve me, because she has seldom cried before I was involved in her life.

Thanks to everyone else too.

I just spoke to her yesterday 5am on the phone before I slept, and she sounds better. Her emotions swing very quickly. She seems to be fine, but I'm not sure how long this will hold up. Thanks though, things seem to be better, she's regaining her senses.
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"When you sit with a nice girl for two hours, it seems like two minutes.
When you sit on a hot stove for two minutes, it seems like two hours.
That's relativity."

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Old 04-25-2006, 10:06 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Crying again. She's really silly! Arghhh

Damn it. I cannot do anything. She msged me not to worry, she still loves me, and doesn't wanna talk to me cos she's crying. And she switched off her mobile, not picking up her hse phn.

WTF. 2.06AM, should I drive over =.=

---edit---
decided to hang my hat on this one and let her bawl it out herself. i have to sleep. thaNks for reading.. 2.52 now. Later days.~
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"When you sit with a nice girl for two hours, it seems like two minutes.
When you sit on a hot stove for two minutes, it seems like two hours.
That's relativity."

- Albert Einstein

Last edited by itch vaccine; 04-25-2006 at 10:52 AM..
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Old 04-25-2006, 10:58 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Hmm, you said you're in Malaysia. Is she ethnically Malaysian or Asian? Or is her large family very close and/or religious??

I'm not sure if I'm catching a whiff of low self-esteem as much as I'm catching a whiff of overwhelming cultural pressure. I could be totally off base, but this just reminds me a lot of why I didn't really date seriously (and only ever secretly) or do other things a lot of American teenagers do when I lived at home with my parents. The first time I ever cried about something that wasn't a physical injury, I was 14 and just had my first heartbreak. Ever since then, I would cry all the time in secret and avoid doing it around friends or people that I liked because I felt so strongly that my family was fucked up (because my parents were so strongly cultural as Asians and as Catholics) and that it wasn't anybody else's problem but mine.

If that's the case with your girlfriend, then just being there and reassuring her all the time won't really change anything. That kind of situation usually forces one into some kind of huge life-changing decisions that may or may not involve fundamental shifts in the way one sees the world.

Then again, I don't really know enough about your situation to make the assumption that this is even remotely the case. That's just my hunch.
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Old 04-26-2006, 02:59 AM   #16 (permalink)
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I don't know Itch Vaccine. Sounds like an emotional blackmail kind of thing now. It's good you didn't drop everything and head over. Which way do you feel you should be headed? Go study and focus. You can't with someone pulling you down ........ and you haven't done anything for this to happen, so why have the guilts.
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Old 04-26-2006, 05:07 AM   #17 (permalink)
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One important thing to check out is the possibility of clinical depression. That she is "rarely calm" and constantly worrying and blaming herself could actually mean something much more serious. The question to ask is, does this interfere with her normal life? That's the point at which you look for help...and it looks to me like, if it's ruining your relationship, then it's interfering with her life. Since you guys are in school, you might have a school counselor you can see for free, who might refer her to a doctor if they think she needs it.
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Old 04-27-2006, 07:49 PM   #18 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Acetylene
One important thing to check out is the possibility of clinical depression. That she is "rarely calm" and constantly worrying and blaming herself could actually mean something much more serious. The question to ask is, does this interfere with her normal life? That's the point at which you look for help...and it looks to me like, if it's ruining your relationship, then it's interfering with her life. Since you guys are in school, you might have a school counselor you can see for free, who might refer her to a doctor if they think she needs it.
My thoughts exactly. In fact, as I was reading through this thread I was surprised that nobody brought this up sooner. Depression could account for a lot of the feelings expressed here - the guilt, lack of self-esteem, etc.

I definitely think that she should talk to her doctor about the possibility of depression. I know that many people are against anti-depressants, thinking that they are over subscribed, and I tend to agree. However, if she is indeed suffering from clinical depression some action needs to be taken, whether it is medication, therapy or a combination of both.
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Old 04-27-2006, 08:51 PM   #19 (permalink)
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Talked about it. She says she seldom pours her feelings out because she doesn't feel like she needs to trouble everyone.

She told me that she's crying because I'm leaving soon.

We got past that already now. Less tears, more smiles.

Thanks people~
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When you sit on a hot stove for two minutes, it seems like two hours.
That's relativity."

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