Undercover_Man

Hello all...I was just wondering what you ppl think about spankings...is it a good way to teach discipline??? Isn't spanking another word for hitting to teach discipline...parents teach their children that hitting other peers and yelling at them is no way to get what you want...

So why do some parents do it??? Parents do it to get their child to do what they want them to do...isn't hitting your child just doing exactly the opposite of what you are trying to teach you NOT to do??? I'd like some comments on this subject....

- Undercover Man

hannukah harry

i think spanking is okay, up to a certain age (different for each kid). i was spanked as a little kid (< 5), and the things that i got spanked for i learned not to do again (well, most of the time ). i think the important thing is to make sure that the line between discipline and abuse is not crossed.

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maleficent

I think as long as your are not spanking because you are angry, then it's OK. I watch a friend with one of her hellions, and she tries to "reason" with this child. Now you know Heather, you really shouldn't be doing that. I'd call bullshit on it-- she's 3 - no she doesn't know, I don't think a three year old has the ability to reason - -Give her a swat on the butt -- teach her that ignoring direction from parents has consequences.

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Bill O'Rights

I had my ass spanked when I deserved it. I think that I turned out the better for it. I see way too many kids today that are in dire need of a good old fashioned "butt-blistering". I'm sorry, but you cannot reason with an out of control 3 year old. And what's with this negotiation crap? Who's the adult. It's a (your) child...not your equal. Assert some damn authority once in awhile, and little Johnny may not need Ritalin in another 4 years.

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StormBerlin

Exactly, you can't reason with a three year old, or even a five year old. You need to teach them that things have consequences. A good old fashioned swat is perfect.

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Esco

exactly. Nothing funnier than watching a parent tell there kid over and over and over again not to do something.

SCrubjay

I guess it's symantecs but we've never "spanked' our kids (now 9 and 11), however, we have delivered many a swat to the butt to get the kids attention. Spanking, to me, means swatting repeatedly AS the punishment which makes ME responsible for their suffering. They are the ones responsible for their actions and we wanted them to learn that lesson. Plus, I just never wanted to be feared, physically, by my kids.

The "swat" indicated to them that they'd pushed it as far as they could, and then they were disciplined in some other way. I hate to say it, because it is so cliche, but for my kids (when they were preschool) timeouts worked. This was combined with them disciplining themselves by their choosing what toy/stuffed animal/book/video they were going to give up .... of course we had to agree so they had to give up something difficult.

I can't think of the last time I had to swat, but the discpling has remained pretty much the same ..... and many times they are tougher in their punishment than I would impose.

Good luck.

irseg

Depends. I was spanked as a kid, and since I've always been a stubborn bastard sometimes it's the only thing that'd get the message across. Definitely helped instill me w/ some discipline.

Then again my best friend had a very abusive childhood. That turned him against the idea of physical pain as punishment, plus he's afraid that if he starts spanking his kid it could escalate to the point that he follows his parents' footsteps since he never really knew anything different. Best way to prevent that from happening is to avoid spankngs altogether.

I think that's rational and a good move in his case, even though I'm all for spankings as a good form of discipline in most cases.

cj22009

I got spanked when I was a kid and I spank both of my kids now
I dont see anything wrong with it as long as you dont take it to far

Mehoni

Spanking is illegal in my country. So I 'd have to say no to that.

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cj22009

Illegal I undersatnd beating a child but there is a diffrence between the two

Charlatan

Never spanked either of my kids... didn't need to or want to.

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absorbentishe

I was spanked growing up, (only a couple times), and I've spanked 3 of my 4 kids. I don't do it often, and only to the younger child, 5. Most times, just the threat is a deterent. I've never beaten my kids, but put a good spank on. It's more the sound than the hurt that gets them. My 11 year old hasn't been spanked in probably 5 years, and my 7 year old probably 2 years. There is a time to stop. But don't ever spank while you are angry.

Mehoni

"Spanking of children within families is illegal in some countries (for example, Sweden, Finland, Denmark , Norway, Austria, Germany, Italy, Cyprus, Croatia, Israel and Latvia). Similar initiatives in the U.S. have repeatedly failed. Parental rights groups have formed since the 1990s to prevent spanking from being criminalized."

http://encyclopedia.thefreedictionary.com/Spanking

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cj22009

I had no idea it was that way in so many countries like I said before I don't see ant thing wrong with a spanking if its done right but I guess that's a diffrent argument what's the right and wrong way

Polyphobic

When I was a child spanking in my family involved a belt. I believe this to be a form of child abuse. It hurt like hell and simply resulted in my brother and I becoming afraid of our father. The worst I plan on for my child is a swat to the butt if all other recourses have failed. Ex: timeouts, etc.

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raeanna74

I was spanked. I have "swatted" my daughter's butt. I don't think I'll carry the spanking as far as my parents did. Mom tried to spank me when I was 18. I was pissed about that. When they are toddlers and unable to communicate or understand things well, a swat on the butt when they are doing something dangerous usually does the trick. I try to reserve the spankings for time when she's doing something dangerous to herself or another being. Like when she was 3 and wrapped a string around the cat's neck, I told her to stop, and she pulled. I spanked her. It was dangerous. When she was 2 and she used to run out into the road even when I told her to stop, I spanked her. If its something that could cause harm to her or someone else I can't wait for her to understand the danger. I need her to obey for her own safety and I need her to obey now. In my opinion a spanking for safety's sake is totally fine. I try NEVER to spank when I'm angry. And I always like to talk to her afterwards and explain what she did that was wrong. As long as she connects the spanking to what she did and knows it wasn't about her personally I think she'll be fine. Do it right, with reservation, and love and concern for your child and they should be fine.

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maleficent

I' sorry, but....exactly what right does the government have to tell a parent how they can or cannot discpline a child. And how exactly would they find out? That puts the child in the position of power. Gee, You can't spank me and if you do, you are gonna get arrested.
What else does the government have control over? Your child had to take vitamins, has to color within the lines, has to wear clean underwear every day? Ordinary parental discipline is NONE of the government's freakin' business.

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SiN

Simply depends then on how ordinary is defined then.
Surely you can accept that your view is simply that?

Anyways, I'm not a parent, just a relatively responsible and mature adult, so my opinion on the subject does not *really* matter...but I suspect when the time comes, I would hope my case would similar to this:

but I respect Raeanna's view also...dangerous situations are a case where I could see it as justifiable.

All my opinion, no judgements here.

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Charlatan

In some people's view hitting a child is the same as if you were hitting another adult. In the case of hitting another adult, the law would say it's assault.

The laws were enacted to protect children.

Personally, I just don't see the need to hit my kids. I have been quite successful disciplining my children in other ways.

tecoyah

Oh billy....I love you *slap*

Talk about an oxy-moron.....I cannot be violent with my kids, it simply goes against what I wish to teach them. I see no reason (other than my own lack of parenting skills) to beat my children.
But, if others feel the need, that is up th them...as long as it isn't abuse......please don't ask me where the line is here.

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Derwood

Clearly there are more than the two options of A) Spank or B) Reason.

Sure, you can't reason with a 3 year old, but there are other consequences to misbehaving that aren't physical.

I have a 15 month old daughter who i've never hit and don't plan to. I firmly believe in the idea that kids shouldn't fear their parents. Respect them, yes, but not fear them.

BTW I was spanked as a kid..

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agball

I feel that a spanking on the tush is ok, (I got my share as a child & looking back, I feel that I deserved it. I currently have a great relationship with my parents) only when the other options dont get through to the child (Time outs & taking away privilages). I dont feel spanking an infant or a child who does not understand what they are doing wrong is accatpable. I never agree with anyone who would hit a child anywhere other than the butt.

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cameroncrazy822

Not a problem as long as there is no anger backing up the spanking and the child knows why they are being spanked. Spanking obviously in addition to discussion, time-outs, etc. Spanking should not be the only form of discipline a child recieves. It should be a part of a well rounded and integrated discipline scheme if someone is so inclined to use corporal punishment with their child.

la petite moi

There is a BIIIIIIIIG difference between spanking and flat out hitting/beating a child. I'm only an 18 year old, but I know that spanking is giving your kid a tap on the butt and very sternly telling them 'no.' I think it's alright for a child that will not be reasoned with, but that child needs to understand why he/she is spanked.

Hitting a child, on the other hand, is abuse. It is wrong to physically harm a child to the point where it makes them afraid of their own parents. I've gone through it, and I'm a sure others have too. It affected me to the point that pleasure is pain, pain is punishment, and I have a low self-esteem. That is NOT what a child needs.

Spanking- okay, if needed and reasoning will not get the kid to stop.
Hitting- never okay, and if the parents continues, the abuse should be reported.

Edit: Also, I think that hitting is when you leave marks, or emotionally/mentally affect that child.

BigTruck1956

eh, a spank or two kept me in line when i was a little punk-ass 8 year old.

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:::OshnSoul:::

Well, for us, we feel that it doesn't present a positive and effective discipline. You don't want your kids to be afraid of you. There are many other options other than spanking.
Also, especially with an independent, rebellious personality like myself, it would never work on my son anyways. Never worked on me.

thespian86

It won't teach your child anything. Try to use lessons and not beatings

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ibis

There's nothing wrong with spankings. I was spanked allot, and I'm glad I was.

Just one rule though:

Do it out of concern, not anger.

yakimushi

I was spanked as a child, but my parents did it with a wooden spoon... in my parents defense I'm a normal person and I deserved all of what I got.

I still have a great relationship with my parents but I don't look back on many childhood moments with relish due to spankings. Often it was done in public or in front of friends, and continued until I was 8 or 9 years old.

I don't have kids yet but I know that from my own experiences I will want to hold off spanking a child until its a last ditch effort to get through to them.

mr sticky

I have one I swat and one I time out. That's what works for them. One lackadasical swat on my son's rear and he is at attention, my daughter, on the other hand, would rather take a beating by Mike Tyson than get a time out...so you know that's what she gets.

As for spanking in general, some kids need that attention getter, some kids don't. Not all kids respond the same way, so it really is up to the kid what discipline regimen works. As parents we adapt.

That being said, I don't think we should be judgemental as spankers versus non-spankers, kids have a way of deciding this themselves.

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Slauncha Man

My whole life, my mom has run a daycare center from our home. She did this in order to keep working and still take care of yours truly. Now I'm 18 and have seen countless children grow up. I've seen parents from both sides, and I've also seen how my mom -- barred by law from physical punishment -- has had to handle kids. There are some that, upon reaching the "terrible twos," refuse to listen. I've thought time and time again, that kid needs a spanking. One case in particular gets to me every time. There was a young boy, adopted from Russia by his single father. Since my house is a pretty fun place for kids to hang out at with plenty of peers their age, he never wanted to leave. When he'd scream and cry, his father would pick him up and say "no." This had no effect, yet the father would keep enduring the crying. It got to the point where the son started hitting the father (in the face). This I would not take from my child. A simple slap on the butt and the child would stop.

This is reflective of a growing problem I've noticed with the children of America: due to all this anti-spanking and anti-abuse sentiment, children no longer respect their parents' superiority. When I was a kid, my parents had the final say. I could not change their "no" to a "yes." Today I can, but I'm an adult now. There needs to be a point when a child gains this power, but it needs to be closer to 16 than to 6. Parents are too soft, and it results in them being pushovers to their kids. So if you have a kid who misbehaves, spank him/her and, if it works, you'll have taught the child something. If spanking doesn't work, then don't assume you need more spanking; some kids need time-outs, some need priveliges taken away. Experiment.

This brings me to another point. Parents aren't spending enough time with their kids to figure out what works. You can't drop a child off at daycare at 8 in the morning, pick him/her up at 5, eat dinner, and then plop the kid in front of the TV. That's going to have a serious effect on the child's development, no matter if the channel he/she's watching is Cartoon Network or the Discovery Channel. Spend time with your kids, cultivate relationships, and discipline when necessary, always reminding them who's boss.

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Mehoni

My reason for no to spanking is this:

I was spanked/hit as a child. ( Yes, it's illegal here, but who the hell listens to a kid? )

Spanked at home, bullied at school made me feel that I had no one to go to, no one to talk to, nowhere to go.

When I was 14 I tried to hang myself because I couldn't take it anymore. It didn't work, so I decided to just get the hell away from them asap. Moved out at 16 and now I haven't seen them since I was 17 (I'm 23 now). I have no desire to do so either. As far as I'm concerned I have no family.

( IMO, a family is those who love you, those who care about you. Not those who hurt you and make you feel unloved. )

The only thing being spanked taught me was that it's easier to use violence than to talk/try to understand what went wrong. Unless the child is clear on what he/she/it did wrong, he/she/it will think that hitting someone is okay.

Children emulate their parents. I've noticed that my first instinct when getting frustrated/angry at someone is to hit them. I don't like that part of me.

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Derwood

I don't think this is a spanking issue. I think it's an issue of parents not backing up their threats of punishment.

Whether you spank or don't spank, you're not going to get anywhere whith hollow threats. If your kid is misbehaving at the toy store and you say "If you hit me one more time you aren't gettting that toy," but then get the toy anyways when the kid hits you, then you are not being an effective disciplinarian.

The problem is that parents don't like it when their kids don't like them. Tough shit. It's not your job to be your kid's friend (at least not until they are grown and out of the nest) so sometimes you have to be the bad guy.

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sexymama

I've raised/am raising 5 children. Ex spanked the first 3. It NEVER worked. It taught them to fear us and to lie. You see, if they lied, then they might not get caught and might not get spanked.

Then I started teaching parenting classes. I read research about spanking that I can only summarize (can't find). First it shows that 100% of prisoners were spanked. That doesn't mean that if you are spanked you will go to prison, it just shows if you aren't, you most likely won't. Second, 100% of children who have experienced sexual abuse were spanked. Again, being spanked doesn't mean that you will be sexually abused, it just increases the odds. There is a mixed message in spanking. We tell children: "Don't let ANYONE touch you in your privates in a way that isn't comfortable." Then we spank them on their private bottoms and it isn't comfortable!

So, I have never spanked my youngest two. However, I have disciplined and my children are VERY WELL behaved. A-matter-of-fact, my older children say that I'm one of the strictist mom's they know even though I don't spank.

What are the ways I teach my kids:
1. For every no (even to a two year old) give two yesses. "You may not hit me. You may hit a pillow or the sofa."
2. Redirect -- rather than saying "don't hit the cat," remove the cat from the room and give the child something else to play with. Even young children can be easily distracted.
3. Let "nature" teach them. If a child is hurting a cat, the cat will scratch. Oops, lesson learned. Obviously this doesn't work in every situation -- you don't want your child to play in the street, not brush his/her teeth, or get bit by a dog. But it can work often. Another example, he/she helps clean up the juice he/she spills or wash the crayon off the wall, be too hot or too cold with or without a jacket, etc.
4. Use logical consequences. If your child hits you in the store -- WALK OUT NOW. Don't give them another chance. A cop doesn't say, "oh, I see this is the first time you have sped today. If I catch you again, you'll get a ticket." No she gives you a ticket on the spot. The same works with children. My son would whine after swim lessons every week to go to McDonalds for dinner. I'd say, "I expect you to ask nicely." And I would not stop. One week he finally asked nicely and we stopped (even though I didn't feel like it.)
5. Teach your child that TIME OUT is a good way to cool down. Try not use it as "punishment." I model this by saying, "I'm pretty upset right now, I need some time to think. I'm going to my room for a few minutes." At other times I will say, "you seem pretty upset. I'll be happy to listen to you when you calm down. Go to your room for now and come back when you are calm." When they were younger, I did, at times, have to put them in their rooms -- but they learned it worked. Now my daughters put themselves on time out and it works great.

I can go on and on with other ideas. Basically, there are a ton of options to spanking that equate to good parenting. Children that are not spanked do not have to be wild.

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Empty_One

When I was a kid, spankings weren't a way to cause pain, or really to dicipline. They were used as an attention getter. After being told to stop doing something 5 or 6 times, a little smack on the bottom got my attention, since it wasn't done very often. It triggered something in my mind that said "Hey dumbass, pay attention, you really need to listen."

It's like when you are speaking to an adult, and they just won't listen to the words you are saying. You really just want to smack them upside the head and get them to focus on what you are saying.

I have a 11month daughter, and I have not had the need to spank her, because she won't know why the hell I'm doing it. However, I have smacked her on the hand lightly, and given a stern "No" when she picks up things that could harm her, or tried to eat a piece of cat poop.

I think it has had the desired effect. They got her attention, and she learned something. The little hand slaps are no longer necessary (I only had to do it a couple of times, and it never caused her pain, or to cry), now the stern NO gets the point across.

Midlandmadman

My son better move to one of those places soon......... That kid gets a spanking daily. I kinda got the one swat method, the wife though..... she will wail away till she gets the spot she wants.

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fallenangel

I'm 19 now and i was spanked when i was younger, myself and my two brothers on occasion, when we deserved it. My parents never beat any of us, and we're all well behaved and have learned from the mistakes we've made (for the most part, i mean i'm still young right?)... I'm not quite sure if i plan on spanking my future children, but I understand the reasoning behind it and as much as it sucked, we needed it....

btw, sexymamma, reading your advice there had some absolutely brilliant ideas. It gave me a more positive out look on parent/child relationships and how to raise better behaved children. Thanks

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Charlatan

If you have to spank every day doesn't that say that it's not working?

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Charlatan

This is what I've done with my kids and it works extremely well. They key is to stay engaged with them. Smacking you kid is a short cut.

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