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Charlatan · 06-22-2004, 05:40 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by sexymama
I've raised/am raising 5 children. Ex spanked the first 3. It NEVER worked. It taught them to fear us and to lie. You see, if they lied, then they might not get caught and might not get spanked.

Then I started teaching parenting classes. I read research about spanking that I can only summarize (can't find). First it shows that 100% of prisoners were spanked. That doesn't mean that if you are spanked you will go to prison, it just shows if you aren't, you most likely won't. Second, 100% of children who have experienced sexual abuse were spanked. Again, being spanked doesn't mean that you will be sexually abused, it just increases the odds. There is a mixed message in spanking. We tell children: "Don't let ANYONE touch you in your privates in a way that isn't comfortable." Then we spank them on their private bottoms and it isn't comfortable!

So, I have never spanked my youngest two. However, I have disciplined and my children are VERY WELL behaved. A-matter-of-fact, my older children say that I'm one of the strictist mom's they know even though I don't spank.

What are the ways I teach my kids:
1. For every no (even to a two year old) give two yesses. "You may not hit me. You may hit a pillow or the sofa."
2. Redirect -- rather than saying "don't hit the cat," remove the cat from the room and give the child something else to play with. Even young children can be easily distracted.
3. Let "nature" teach them. If a child is hurting a cat, the cat will scratch. Oops, lesson learned. Obviously this doesn't work in every situation -- you don't want your child to play in the street, not brush his/her teeth, or get bit by a dog. But it can work often. Another example, he/she helps clean up the juice he/she spills or wash the crayon off the wall, be too hot or too cold with or without a jacket, etc.
4. Use logical consequences. If your child hits you in the store -- WALK OUT NOW. Don't give them another chance. A cop doesn't say, "oh, I see this is the first time you have sped today. If I catch you again, you'll get a ticket." No she gives you a ticket on the spot. The same works with children. My son would whine after swim lessons every week to go to McDonalds for dinner. I'd say, "I expect you to ask nicely." And I would not stop. One week he finally asked nicely and we stopped (even though I didn't feel like it.)
5. Teach your child that TIME OUT is a good way to cool down. Try not use it as "punishment." I model this by saying, "I'm pretty upset right now, I need some time to think. I'm going to my room for a few minutes." At other times I will say, "you seem pretty upset. I'll be happy to listen to you when you calm down. Go to your room for now and come back when you are calm." When they were younger, I did, at times, have to put them in their rooms -- but they learned it worked. Now my daughters put themselves on time out and it works great.

I can go on and on with other ideas. Basically, there are a ton of options to spanking that equate to good parenting. Children that are not spanked do not have to be wild.

This is what I've done with my kids and it works extremely well. They key is to stay engaged with them. Smacking you kid is a short cut.