Jennteel

I need some advice from other parents out there. My daughter is 13 and we are now going through the "wanting a boyfriend" stage. She is pretty independant and mature but I am so not comfy with this idea. I have told her NO and as far as I can tell she has respected that. She does not like it and at times will cry about it. We argue because she does not see my point. When I was 13 I was having sex already and had her when I was 16. I do not want this road for her. She says she is not into sexual things and I do believe her. But all children get curious at one point or another. I told her I would think about it, but I don't think my feelings will change. I do not want to open the door to new emotions for her. But I also don't want to be an uptight mom that always says no to everything. She really likes one boy in particluar. He was a problem boy in the neighborhood but has been straightening up. The other issue I have is he is not white and I am not sure that I feel comfy with intermixed relationships with such young people. I don't mean to offend anyone by saying that, I'm just not sure how to feel right now. Any advice is much appreciated.

StickODynomite

I can certainly understand why you'd be worried about a 13 year old girl being with a boy or having a boyfriend. There are many girls at 14 and pregnant. Maybe you should sit her down and educate her about STD's if you already haven't, and if you're comfy doing that... (my mom used facts about STDs to scare me away from having sex and it worked for me..until i turned 18 and first had sex). Maybe you two can make a deal. If she promises you not to date or get serious w/ a boy and she keeps her promise, maybe when she gets to a certain age you can buy her something (probably will be expensive) that she REALLY wants. Just get her to trust you and believe your word (im not saying she doesn't already). At 13 i had crushes, but i never went farther than kissing. Maybe that's all she has in mind, but who knows these days. They grow up so fast Like i said before, i understand why you'd worry.

__________________
"The human mind is like a parachute, it works best when open."

StormBerlin

I don't think its a good idea to try and bribe your kids to do "the right thing".

What you (Stick) said before was much more accurate, just educate her on STD's and Pregnancy. Once she meets the guy she "falls in love with" (or so she thinks) she's gonna have sex whether you promise to buy her a car for her birthday or not. All that matters is what's going on during that moment. Just explain to her that once things get serious between her and her boyfriend, let you know and you'll do what's necessary to keep her from getting pregnant, etc. That will show that you respect her as a person and are not just trying to tell her not to do things because you want to "be a mom".

__________________
"if anal sex could get a girl pregnant i'd be tits deep in child support" Arcane

StickODynomite

I was telling her what I've seen done before and what I've heard of other parents doing. If SHE decides she wants to try it, it may work ... it has for some people i know.

__________________
"The human mind is like a parachute, it works best when open."

StormBerlin

Hey, there's no need to get defensive. Giving advice is what this thread is about. Your advice and mine differ. It's ok.

__________________
"if anal sex could get a girl pregnant i'd be tits deep in child support" Arcane

canuckguy

my advice? pad lock her bedroom door til she's 30 if that does not work, fine someone who has young kids and make her look after a screaming baby/toddler to discourage sex! you can borrow mine if ya want! hehe sorry bad advice I am hoping for some info myself for when my daughter reaches that age.........year away from now.

/heart stopped beating for a bit

Jennteel

Well the boy she is going ga-ga over has been treating her like shit for the past few days because she turned him down because I told her NO. So then she turns around and gets angry with me. I am glad he is being a dick to her. I hate to see her hurt but it's really for her own good so she might see that he obveously was after something. Now he won't speak to her at all. I like that. She seems to be coping well and not so mad at me. But with the constant change of hormones with youngsters I am sure something will come up next week. LOL I do like the idea of scaring her with STD stories. She loves babies but says she never wants to give birth to one. I told her painful stories about that already. Oh and she has recently tried to use a tampon and she cried because it hurt. I told her thats what sex feels like.

StormBerlin

I don't think it's a good idea in the long run to lie to her. She's gonna figure out that putting a tampon in and sex are two totally different feelings. You need to be honest with her and explain that sex is something shared with people she really cares about and she always needs to protect herself.

My mom was the kind of woman who was completely honest with me, so when I thought I was ready to have sex with my boyfriend (I was 16, I'm 18 now), I told her and we went and got me on the shot. I had a neighbor who kept hearing, "Don't have sex, don't have sex." But was never taught the consequences and she wound up pregnant at 15. She had the baby and gave it up for adoption. She'll be 17 next week. To me, that's a lot worse than getting your kid on birth control and buying her some condoms.

__________________
"if anal sex could get a girl pregnant i'd be tits deep in child support" Arcane

doncalypso

It's one thing not to want your child to get involved in a relationship because you think she's too young... but to be against it because the guy she's interested in isn't white is just senseless and bigotted.

It's true that it's tough for interracial couples to face society these days (especially in the USA), but your attitude towards interracial couples only adds to the problem and is not conducive towards helping your daughter develop a healthy relationship.

__________________
Doncalypso... the one and only Haitian Sensation

Amethyst

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Jennteel
[B When I was 13 I was having sex already and had her when I was 16. I do not want this road for her.

Wow your story sounds like my life. I was also having sex at 13 and had my daughter when I was 16. She hasn't yet gotten interested in boys but she is only 9. So, I am sure that day is coming soon. I really don't know what to tell you. Be honest with her and be open with her about sex and the consequences. The boy being black hmm......I don't know about that either I don't know that it would bother me that much but I know my husband and my parents would flip if my daughter was interested in someone of another race. I would ask her what she thinks being someone's girlfriend mean? See what she says to that. Is the boy already sexual active? Does she want to go palces with this boy? And if so do they want to go alone? There are alot of questions I would be asking. I would just talk to her and be open. But you are right I think she is to young to have a boyfrined.

Xsas

Make sure she knows about STDs and pregnancy, and she's old enough.

And don't be racist.

thespian86

I can understand but if shes a smart kid she will relise not to make mistakes. Alos, don't hold her back with your past because that just leads to rebelian

__________________
EX: Whats new?
ME: I officially love coffee more then you now.
EX: uh...
ME: So, not much.

:::OshnSoul:::

talk, talk, talk.

don't hold her back- the more you restrain her, the more rebelious she will become.
Let her have a boyfriend, but talk with her about everything. everything! Even SEX. Most importantly, sex. When she understands that you care and that you are helping her be aware of choices and consequences, she will definately hold that close to her in her interactions with boys.
Just telling her NOT to have sex won't cut it. You need explain to her that sex is a big issue and that there are many things to remember and be aware of regarding it. Let her know of STD's, rape, pregnancy.....but leave it at that. Trust that you have done all you could and that she will make wise choices.

Xsas

**Ignore me, I'm an asshole.**

raeanna74

It sounds like he's obviously not mature enough to handle this. Her directing anger at you over HIS reaction is not mature either. Granted there are always these games between young people but do you think he'd be all fine and dandy if she turned him down about sex? I mean she just turned him down about being a couple, sex would be more of an ego blow.

She needs to be a little more discerning about the boys she wants to date. I think on a personal level she's not showing the maturity necessary to be selecting dating partners that as she grows older are potential sex partners.

Someone like this boy who uses withdrawel to "punish" the other person is a dangerous thing. Try to teach her what are good qualities to look for in a guy. Have an open conversation about what she desires and wants in a guy and then add your own little comments or ask her why she thinks those qualities are important. Helping her develop a mature attitude about guys will be an important step to opening the door for her on the dating scene.

Personally I don't think most girls are mature enough emotionally to handle dating until 16. I know for some people that may be old but mind you I said MOST. This is based on what I've seen when I taught highschoolers - not on personal experience. I didn't date until I was 19 just because I didn't WANT to date. I was into other stuff then.

__________________
"Always learn the rules so that you can break them properly." Dalai Lama
My Karma just ran over your Dogma.

Xsas

**Please ignore me.**

mike059

Tell her the truth about how you feel. Tell her about sex too, while you are talking. If she wants to be treated like an adult, then she will have to earn it. The situation you find youself in is common. "mom, you just don't understand" if you don't have her explain it to you, but make sure that she uses logic and reason, not emotion...

PredeconInferno

You may find that your daughter is, in fact, mature enough to date. If you ask me, it's not a question of an age issue. There are people in the world that should never date if you ask me, they just haven't grown up enough to handle having a significant other.

The issue, I think, for you should be whether or not you believe the people she would date are mature enough.

Having been 13 at one point, I assure you the boys she picks up her age will not be mature enough. If she picks up an older boy.... well that has problems in itself.

I, personally, think that you're well within reason here. If it were my daughter, I would ask her to stay away from dating until at least 16 (I wouldn't want to drive them places).

On the other hand, if she knows you had her when you were 16 some of that might have altered her thinking more than you may know.

bah, I'm just rambling now.... anyway, good luck.

__________________
Samurai in Training
Knowledge is power. Guard it well.

sexymama

I have a little different view. I think 13 is awfully young, but I've taught many a young girl who is dating and hiding it from her parents who say no. So, I would:

allow her to have the young man over to your house, with your supervision
allow her to double date with you and your spouse or you and a friend -- sit apart in the movie theater, but you are in control of the driving, etc.
allow for time at friends' houses with parents home -- call the parents and verify
talk to her honestly about sex and sexuality (even that it feels good and gets more and more tempting the longer you are with someone) and about your fears and desire for her
give her an age, or condition, when you will allow her to date 1-on-1

(Funny story, with my daughter, age 10, seeing me and Lebell dating, she has decided she won't have sex until she is 30 as it is just too grose. I assure her that if she decides when she is 28 that it is time, I will fully support her. )

__________________
If you can go deeply into lovemaking, the ego disappears. That is the beauty of lovemaking, that it is another source of a glimpse of god

It's not about being perfect; it's about developing some skill at managing imperfection.

gage

stick to your guns, mothers know best

MSD

If you want to compromise, consider offering to take them and another young couple (one of her friends) on a double date to a movie, ice cream parlor, anything not too serious, but still fun for the kids. That way, you'll be able to supervise without being overbearing. Her angry reaction indicates that she isn't yet mature enough to go dating on her own, and may go too far and then regret it.

Telling her that a tampon is what sex feels like is misleading and will only lead to more distrust when she inevitably find out from friends at school that it just isn't true. Explain that sex is something that should happen between mature adults, and that the longer she waits, the more she'll be sure it's the right person she's doing it with, and the more she'll enjoy it. Tell her that if this guy is treating her like shit for not going out with him, that he probably just wanted sex and doesn't care about her. Tell her that he would not be worth the trouble if he is only interested in her vagina. Admit to her that you had sex at her age, and that it was a bad decision that you still regret. Explain to her that STD's can happen, and that more people than you would expect have them, and that sometimes it's the people you least expect, so you can't just assume that someone is clean because they tell you they are. If she's afraid of having a baby, tell her the straight facts about the risk of pregnancy, and that even regular condom use is only 97% effective, so there is a risk involved even with protected sex. Do not beat around the bush, this is a serious issue and your daughter deserves to know everything before she decides.

As for the racial issue, I suspect that your hesitance is based on a past experience of yours that caused emotional damage. Try to get to know some interracial couples and see how happy they are together.

skier

I totally agree with selfdestruct about you relating tampon insertion with sex. I feel that is a big no-no. The first time I found out my parents lied to me about something important they lost a LOT of my trust and I rebelled. Weaving lies around your child will not protect her from the world, and will leave her ill-prepared when she has to fend for herself in a few years.

__________________
"Asking a bomb squad if an old bomb is still "real" is not the best thing to do if you want to save it." - denim

BigTruck1956

Remember that the preacher's daughters are always the wildest. My parents focused on educating me as opposed to limiting me. I therefore never had to sneak around or do things behing their back. I had nothing to "rebel" against yet I was also educated enough to make smart decisions. ( i ended up not having intercourse until i was 18).

on a side note, i feel very sorry for your daughter because because she must deal with your severe lack of racial tolerence. Being the product of my parent's happy interracial relationship, in this day and age i still see my parents subjected to the stares of racists like yourself. you should be ashamed of yourself. Am I offended? No. Am i saddened at your demonstration that people in the country still share the bigoted views of the 1950s? Very much so.

__________________
so much to do, so little time.....at least i aint bored.

Derwood

The only thing I can say is that the more you have against this boy, the more she'll want to be with him despite him being a dick head.

__________________
"You can't shoot a country until it becomes a democracy." - Willravel

la petite moi

Let her start hanging out with that boy, but warn her of all the consequences there are out there. Tell her that if he ever pressures her, or if she feels like pressuring him into something they shouldn't do, she can come to you to talk. Comunication is such an awesome thing.

Like a couple people have said- Don't keep her on a tight leash or she'll start sneaking around. That's what happened to my sister. Although she's never had sex, she gets terrible grades and used to get drunk and smoke. She is only 16. Just be open with her, and let her hang out with this guy.

If you base a trouble maker off of different race/skin colour, you should seriously re-evaluate yourself.

ibis

Look at the culture we live in. It's absolutly no suprise she wants a boyfriend. My little sister is 9 and she allready has one.

There are two ways you can approach this one:

1. Lock her in her room. Refuse to let her act on her feelings.

2. Be supportive. Teach about sex and it's consequences. Be real and upfront with her, tell her about your own experiences.

I believe #2 is the only way to go. What's better: your daughter doing something behind your back or with your own wisdom.

My mother told me when I turned 13 she would buy me all the alcohol I wanted, as long as I drank in our own house.

I ended up having 2 drinks outside of my home in highschool. Since it wasn't taboo for me, it wan't that big of a deal. THe same applies to above.

PDOUBLEOP

Wow, a lot of people screaming "racist". Saying "I am not sure that I feel comfy with intermixed relationships with such young people" doesn't make you Hitler.

__________________
ef you-you effing ef

pinkie

Thirteen is too young. This may be the age that she starts showing interest, but that doesn't mean it's time. At this age, they are too young to handle rejection, not feel pressured to do things they might want to do, or not know how to act when a break up happens. (And they always do.)

All these things mismanaged can equal unnecessary pain, stress, and worry for your child. I don't agree with the person who said to let them because refraining from allowing them will make them want it more. This may be true, but these kids need discipline, and self-restraint skills, just as much as they need freedom to make their own mistakes. Thirteen is still a young child, and in no way ready for the responsibility of "dating" or "boyfriends."

Thirteen is just such an impressionable age, and certainly not the age I would want my child to start trying to learn the hard lessons of love. Starting that process too soon could mean hard lessons later on in life for this little girl. Having a crush is one thing, but full on dating at 13? No. They aren’t ready, psychologically or emotionally. It’s just too soon.

On the other hand, having a boy whom is a friend, at school, or a cousin that is around the same age, can be healthy starting places from comfortable male female interaction. I have a thirteen-year-old myself, and the way things stand, she won’t be dating until she’s sixteen, at least. That includes boys calling and talking to her on the phone, unless it’s a relative.

pinkie

Race should have nothing to do with it, btw.