match000

yep, college life is supposed to be fun, lively, exciting, in addition to studying.

it seems everyone i know is always hanging out, going out, having fun... but i'm always studying, doing research, or if i'm wasting time i'm doing stuff like this.. surfing the web.

now i'm a senior and i feel like my time has run out. i haven't made many close friends in college like everyone's supposed to (i have made a few), and i've spent ALL my time studying. All I have to show for it is a whole bunch of A's... but not many fun experiences.

and most people at least have gotten or got girlfriends or at least dated, while i havent ever done either.

or that everyone i know has their own 'circle'. i dont have a close circle of friends either. my few good friends are in disparate circles..

i feel like socially my college life has been a failure... i used to laugh at people who joined clubs in freshman year that seemed to be a front for nothing more than a 'dating service' or for hanging-out or even joining frats but now i regret not doing the same.

i'm not sure if its not ever dating or having a girlfriend or the fact that i never truly made a close circle of friends, the kind where you just call up the crew anytime to hang out..

is this normal? or am i just a loner at heart trying to be a socializer...?

well, I'm kinda feeling frustrated/lonely so i'm venting here if anyone is reading...

maleficent

What exactly is normal? You are who you are... and there's nothing at all wrong with that...

Getting all As is something to be proud of. there are people who spent their college career slacking off and perhaps wondering if they might graduate at all, you went to college with a purpose, to get a degree, you're doing that.

You have a few good friends, and that's more than a lot of people have...

You've got another semester left in college? Get out and do something if you want to change that... Put those As to good use and volunteer (or charge) your services (to cute freshman girls) for tutoring.

__________________

pandafaye

You're not alone, I assure you. My experience in college has been much of the same (except I can't manage to get A's... damn). People who tell you that you will make the best friends you ever had in college are the same people who tell you high school will be the best time of your life... In short, they don't know what the hell they're talking about. College is just the beginning. You've got plenty of time to date and make meaningful friendships. I promise.

Keep this in mind as well: because you were surfing the web, you found us. That's not all bad, is it? =)

Pragma

As a fifth year senior at college (graduating in May), here's my take on it: So you didn't join a frat, party every weekend, sleep with countless women. But you have (I'm sure) had some fun times at college, even while/despite studying.

I never necessarily had "tons of friends", but I've never been a "tons of friends" kind of guy. I've always had my few individual friends who I was very close to. Just because you're not extroverted is not a reason to complain.

I wish I'd been able to get all As, but instead my freshman year I tried to have fun, party, and play lots of video games. And I nearly failed out and was on academic warning, then academic probation, and despite being on the dean's list last semester (for the first time ever), my overall GPA is still a 2.54. I'd say the As will be much more valuable than "fun college stories," as I' getting turned down for jobs because I don't have a 3.0 GPA.

I'm not saying "don't have fun", but the point I'm trying to get across is "don't get down on yourself because you haven't had fun in the past." Do something Mal suggested (as she's always full of good ideas), go join a club, go tutor freshman girls in biology, but don't let the fact you haven't done those in the past hold you back.

__________________
Eat antimatter, Posleen-boy!

florida0214

Dude never went to a conventional collegebut thought that i always missed out on the social part of it due to my non-conventional studies. I always thought the social ife is what made college, well college. Just get out more. i am sure people who finish top of their class tend to live similar college lives and they seem to turn out fine. you can always buy friends when get rich. Well if you actually do get rich friends will find you. And lets face it most people go to college in the hopes of getting a good job and making more money.

Don't beat your self up, but do prioritize. there are people who can study only a little and pull A's, therefore these people can party and still make pretty good grades. If you are one of those guys, then get off your butt and out of the library and into some hawt Co-ed. If top grades are important to you and you have to study 24/7 to get them, then the social life may not be very important to you. there is nothing wrong with it and there is really no "normal" college lifestyle, only experiances. Life is a series of events held together by time. Nothing more. You'll live just prioritize.

__________________
"Two men: one thinks he can. One thinks he cannot. They are Both Right."

match000

To be honest, it's weird to have such an aim as a freshman but my reason was because I wanted to get into as best a grad school I could. Of course, it helps alot for jobs too...

Yes, you're right. I am appreciative of my good friends. And I guess I should be happy knowing that they're there to help me or support me..

Thanks for the suggestions. I should give volunteering, of any kind, alot more thought.

Regarding clubs, it's just that I've been thinking how weird it would be to join a club in the last semester at college. I mean, for one thing, alot of them are full of freshmen, who haven't found their 'niche', not seniors who haven't found their 'niche'.

Thanks, I hope you're right. It's just that every era in life is different, and I feel like I missed out on the college era (just like I did in highschool... surprise surprise). Even grad school will be totally different.

Nope! You guys are great Actually, originally I found this forum through fark.com through their boobies links

Sorry to hear about your first semesters. But really, what matters is how you do in your upper-level classes, and that your overall GPA trend is upwards. Which you have!

Actually I got some B's in freshman year too... and you're right, it was because I was having fun hanging-out more in dorms. But right after freshman year once I moved out of dorms, what 'social' life I had just went downhill..

You hit it on the head, I guess because you are also currently a senior. I am afraid to do more such as join clubs *because* I am a senior, and haven't done those in the past. I should just get over it and make the best out of what time I have left. Thanks!

But those are the friends I don't want to have, the ones who find me when/if I'm rich... or the ones I would have to 'buy'. But I know, you're just exagerrating

Yep, you hit it on the head. One of the reasons why I couldn't socialize or afford to was because I am the "must-study-all-day-to-get-A's" type.

In fact, that's one of my problems: an inability to prioritize or multitask. If I want A's, then I have to go extreme and study hardcore. I put off all my possible social activities in order to study (and this is why now in senior year I have very few good friends I guess). I realy need to learn multitasking and prioritizing...

la petite moi

The point of college is not just to socialise and get laid- it's to do well in school and perhaps come out a little smarter (unlike the dumbasses who drink every night and don't study). You'll be the one partying it up with tons of money when you're older, while those other guys are struggling at some fast food joint.

politicophile

College is about two things:
1. Getting the grades and personal connections that will help you succeed later in life
2. Having fun during your four (or more) years as an undergrad

It sounds like you have number 1 down at this point, and that is by far the most important. I suggest you just join a few clubs that interest you. Don't go crazy and get involved in 20 different things, as this will damage your prospects of getting all A's. However, I don't think 3 or 4 clubs would be unreasonable.

Also, don't try too hard to make friends: it happens naturally when you're around people with the same interests as you. Just join a few clubs and act natural: you'll do fine!

__________________
The peculiar evil of silencing the expression of an opinion is, that it is robbing the human race; posterity as well as the existing generation; those who dissent from the opinion, still more than those who hold it. If the opinion is right, they are deprived of the opportunity of exchanging error for truth: if wrong, they lose, what is almost as great a benefit, the clearer perception and livelier impression of truth, produced by its collision with error. ~John Stuart Mill, On Liberty

Siege

I'm in second year and in pretty much the same situation as the OP. But I don't find it so bad, because I did the exact opposite first year. And almost failed out. Not exactly good times. I might not be getting laid, drunk or partying, but at least I am trying hard to get my shit together and get a high GPA.

Just remember. You're college/university life is usually around 4-10 years. The rest of your life is way longer. You can party more if you have the means to do so in the future.

__________________
"Your name's Geek? Do you know the origin of the term? A geek is someone who bites the heads off chickens at a circus. I would never let you suck my dick with a name like Geek"

--Kevin Smith

This part just makes my posts easier to find

Rodney

There's a difference between not-being-able-to-multi-task, and setting a goal and focusing in on it. You don't say what your degree is, but if it's in science or engineering, getting all "A's" can be pretty damned difficult. It would take as much effort as you seem to have put into it. And it would take a limited social life. There's probably no way you could have "multi-tasked" yourself to this result. (Unless you're spending three hours a day goofing off the Internet, and then I'd say, "STEP AWAY FROM THE KEYBOARD!" with a big bullhorn. )

Maybe you regret your goal now, but you set it and achieved it. Not only are you going to look really good on the job market and when shopping for grad schools -- you _actually_ know all the material. You learned. You're going to the grad school of your choice, I betcha. Some of your buddies may not do so well.

Once you're out in the world, you will find employers who will be very happy to hire a young man like you to responsible and interesting jobs _because_ of your ability to focus maniacally on a goal. And it will come in handy in crunch situations. But at that point you _will_ have to learn to balance work and other factors in your life, or you won't have a life to keep your factors in :-).

Mantus

Well you certainly sound like an introvert but that doesnt mean you should be a loner. It sounds like you are trying to find a purpose for socializing.

If so, please remember that no matter how good your grades are and how qualified you may be, if some one makes friends with the boss they will get your job! Social skills are KEY not just to success but to a happy life because, face it, we measure ourselves based on other people's opinions. It's very hard to find out who you trully are without assistance from others. Also, social skills grow or shrink exponentially. Don't fool yourself by thinking "oh when I get out of college I'll become social". It simply doesn't work that way. You have allot to catch up on. I sugest you start now, but pace yourself. Don't expect to go to a party and have fun. It takes social skills to have fun at events, otherwise you end up sitting in a corner bored and frusturated.

FngKestrel

It's a juggling act, trying to balance your school with your social life. And you know what, it's still a juggling act, once you get out of college. The thing with college is that it's easier to meet people because you're thrown in a mix of classes and environments every semester. You get variety and opportunity.

It's a balance. You shouldn't beat yourself up because you spent time studying. It's about priorities.

My parents said something to me when I left for college. To paraphrase, when you're going to undergrad, you're not really going to learn the skills of your major, you're learning how to THINK. You'll have the opportunity to experiment and try out different techniques before you have to rely on them in the real world.

There's also something else to note here. You've been working so hard and then realizing that there's more out there than just grades and now have a final year to rectify that. It sounds vaguely like the way people experience mid-life crises. It's good that you realize it now and want to change it. Make sure you remember that as you start your career. Balance.

The short answer, watch "Real Genius" starring Val Kilmer. There's a parallel (aside from the orbital laser).

And relax...

Justsomeguy

My social life died at high school. Definitely can relate to you. For the past four years, I have studying hard to maintain a very high GPA and spent about 8 months studying for the MCAT. It pays off in the long run.

However, don't let it get you down. By doing what you did, you made a statement: you will go beyond. Most people will be satisfied with a mediocre life. You've set higher standards. Be proud. Chicks dig smart, rich men. Your time will come very soon.

Sultana

Mantus speaks the truth.

Keep in mind that socializing is a skill, and not one you want to neglect until it becomes very important to you. 'Cause then you'll be all rusty, and frustrated. Seek balance, and start now. Success in life is not measured by your grades, and good grades do not mean you'll get what you want. They are a very dry skeleton to hang a life on.

OK, sounds like I'm arguing against having good grades be a goal, that's not it. But I've been in your shoes, and in the end it was my attitude and abilities (yes, honed by years of hard work and focus) that got me where I am today, not my GPA.

Good luck.

__________________
"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath.
At night, the ice weasels come." -

Matt Groening

My goal? To fulfill my potential.

match000

I hope so. But while there are alot of them that study no-so-good majors, alot are in stuff like business, which I think in fact lets them make even more money than I will (an engineer... suprise?!).

Thanks, I certainly hope so! I think I'm just gonna say 'screw it, I don't care if I'm old and only got one semester, gonna make the best of it', and just join and have as much fun as possible


But I don't want to miss out on college parties/fun. Because, well, lets face it, its the best time I get to meet many girls at once, and aren't college parties the funnest? Older-people parties are dryer, less crazy, and generally more boring is my impression.

Yes, it was pretty hard, and I know that had I not gone my own hardcore mode I could not have achieved my goals. To be specific, yes, my major is electrical engineering.

Thanks! I certainly hope so. The process didn't stop once I got into a good college, it just kept going on... so yeah, I'm pretty darn tired from so much work!

Yes, that is a very good point about having to learn to balance down the road anyways. So I might as well start now...

Yes, definitely these are great points. I have noticed that no matter what, whoever I personally interact with (aka classmates) I always like the ones who are the best talkers, smoothest talkers, funny talkers, not the quiet super smart ones. Although of course I am friends with them too.

Great advice! My bro told me the same thing, that if I'm "becoming social now" I'm probably only deluding myself into it because I know that grades this year won't matter much for grad school anyways. It takes alot more 'change' to change, not just one year of socializing then clamming up again in grad school like I used to...

Thanks! Although balance would have been good before, I don't know if I could have done as well without such unbalance But yeah, I'm ready to just 'balance' and stop putting down one part of my life for another.

Thanks for the encouragement At my school the majors that work their butt off in addition to us engineers are the premed / molecular cell biologists. I definitely understand how hard you had to work too. Best of luck for med school, I hope you'll get into a great one!

I understand what you and Mantus mean. While good grades are a priority, I'm ready to start balancing out the other parts of my life: aka socially. From my own personal experience, the great socializers with not as good GPA's but who are also engineers tend to land just as good if not better jobs, alot of the time not a technical job but a more business-manager job. So social skills are just as important as good GPA...



Thanks for all the great advice and encourgement, everyone. I was feeling really down but you guys have made me see more clearly, and I feel much better Thanks!!

tec-9-7

Any way you could stretch you college experience to a 5th year?

IMO and with a number of years of perspective looking back, college is every bit as much about being social as it is getting educated in your chosen field. Too many people fall into the either/or mentality in college. They either forego the entire social aspect, hibernate w/ their books and pull straight As, or they completely blow off the acedemics in favor of binge-drinking and spend their last three years trying to make up for their first two.

Honestly, my 4 years as an undergrad were some of the best of my life. I partied, dated, and socialized, but not the the degree that my grades suffered. I never aimed to make straight A's, and did not, but still graduated w/ a GPA of over 3.

In terms of employment, I don't think you will ever get or lose a job over your undergraduate GPA - the only time it is of any importance is if you try to go to grad school, and even then an average GPA can be overcome with a good result on the GRE.

College, especially undergrad, IS about education; but that education comes equally in and out of the classroom. If this is not the case (in both directions), IMO you are missing out on a critical part of college.

match000

Nope, they kick us out after 4 years. Public schools are pumping us engineers through the system, lol.

Hmmm... the GRE's do not really matter for my major. In fact, the top schools do not bother even looking at them; they said so. Besides, GRE's are quite easy and don't prove anything, just like the SAT's.

[/QUOTE]

I agree (after making my big mistake)! I hope I can turn it around this last semester at least...

Anomaly_

Could you be my doppelgänger? I have had the exact same experience except that I will be graduating in December as a CS major. Naturally, I've thought about the situation (too much) and I've come to some conclusions.

First, the lack of balance was entirely my doing but it wasn't without the benefit of having learned something. And I emphasize "learning something" over the oft-recited "learning how to think," because I think the latter is cemented well before college. I don't recommend rationalizing the strength of your academic experience, though, as it will keep you headed down the same path.

The social aspect that I didn't experience and the reasons for it are more complex. I, too, am shy and I don't engage people that often, or very well. The few acquaintances I've made in college are enough to prove that. My lack of social initiative centers around the self-fulfilling prophecy that I'm not capable of cultivating this skill set. People can have dispositions that change very little over life, but if you don't make at least make an attempt to improve socially, you don't have the right to declare yourself a social failure outright. I don't know your situation, but for me, this mindset is reinforced because of depression. If it is the case, you may want to look into therapy.

Your effort to experience the other side of college during your final semester is with good intentions, but it's likely to be disappointing if you think it's going to lead to any immediate changes. I know this feeling of desperation (which honestly seems to be driven by a desire for sex), and it can be frustrating. Finding balance will be a slow process that is going to continue long after college. The pervasive thought of "When am I finally going to get a girlfriend (or friends)?" only adds to the anxiety. My final advice (which I can't seem to follow myself) is to not lose focus of what you have done well, all the while forcing yourself to get out there at meet people. Sacrifice is inherently part of this but something has to give.

soccerchamp76

In my personal opinion, there must be a balance in social vs. academic life. Too much social will obviously result in lower grades, and too much academic will result in possible depression and/or burning out.

That being said, there are different majors that require an altering of the balance, per se. For my major (Chemistry), the balance is favored quite heavily toward the academia side of the scale. That is what Friday and Saturday nights are for.....partying. Next semester, when I add in quantitative analysis + lab to my schedule involving physics and organic chemistry, the balance will shift even further.

The main concept here: sacrifice. There are the people who party for 4 years with a general business degree, and end up with a lower end job. Then there are the people who study and go to grad school/law school/med school, study for a bit further, and pull of some rewarding jobs with high salaries. Sacrifice is what it is about.

__________________
Brian Griffin: Ah, if my memory serves me, this is the physics department.
Chris Griffin: That would explain all the gravity.

match000

Ok I looked up what doppelwahtever means. Hahaa, creepy word.

I both agree and disagree. I learned alot, but alot of the time I DID learn it on my own. In college the professors don't hand-hold you through class, so if you don't get a good professor who can express his/her thoughts clearly, well, you got the textbook, the TA, and your friends to help you. And you really DO learn how to learn yourself, whether it be making the most of your resources or simply reading the textbook over and over.

Ok, for me, its not so-much a self-fulfilling prophecy in the sense that "I cannot be social person because I lack the genes, therefore I'm not". Its more like "I don't have the time to be social, I MUST get good grades, study alot to know this shit cold, etc, so I canNOT spend time doing ____ fun things with ____ people."

But yeah, I know what you mean. Its extremely hard process and vicious cycle to get out of... even though our vicious cycles are different, the end result is the same: lack of social life.

I'm sorry to hear about your depression. I hope you're doing better now.

I did consider therapy this past week (fortunately for the first time in my life). I think I'm doing ok, I just need to do what you suggest: TRY to be social before declaring myself a failure. And TRY I will

You're right, and I agree spot on. It's deceptive to make myself belive I'm 'more social' or becoming a 'social person' just by doing one semesters of heavy social activities.

In fact, its not the behaviour change that matters, its the change in mindset or paradigm that needs to take place. This in itself could take a while, or that once it does take place I shouldn't NEED to change my behavior: the behavior will follow my mindset change naturally.

If this doesn't sound like my own idea, you're right, its not. I got it from the book "7 habits of highly effective people" by Stephen Covey. I highly recommend it (even though I've only listend to the audio version not read it). So YES, give it a try and you'll be surprised!

Yes, I didn't want to put it so bluntly, but alot of it IS because of this fact.

What irks me is this: I'm not unattractive (in fact people said I was good looking), I'm not a total shy socially clueless person just one who has not had 'social time', but yet I can't for the life of me meet girls, or the few that I do meet, I get nowhere haha.

Although I should not be shifting blame off of myself, for it is my own choice whether I meet girls or not (ie I should of joined more clubs, gone out more, etc), I would like to say that engineering defintiely does not help. There are almost no girls in our classes.

If we were biology majors, half our work would be done. At least half my casual friends would be girls, because for someone who studies most of the time, most of my casual friends are from class.

I totally agree. I hope you too can start sacrificing and balancing, no matter what the situation/time is, whether its just one semester left or college graduation. Just realizing the need for change is not enough, but it is a great start and starting today is always better than never starting at all!

match000

Yep. Well said. Although, there are some fallacies there.

For example, alot of us engineers like to trick ourselves into believing that our 4 years of true hard grind will result in higher salaries than the business guys and the other majors. Ok, we probably beat out the humanities, and we probably have a higher starting salary than business majors, but these guys will still earn more in the long run.

They have more chances to rise up, they get promoted faster, and basically they out-earn engineers very rapidly. And guess what? They got to have a relatively stress-free, social, dress-up-everyday-and-meet-your-fellow-pretty-classmates life, and party and have fun! how sweet is that...

So yeah, for you, that chemistry degree is also hard and grueling, and you might pull a higher starting salary than those party-hardy business guys, but hey, they'll still earn more than you in teh long run.

Life isn't fair, heh.

Pragma

Haha, I'm gonna have to disagree with you on that one. The boyfriend of one of my closest female friends is a business/finance major and while he's been able to have fun in college, he's accepted a job for after graduation and he will be working Monday through Saturday, 14 hours a day, doing insurance banking. He'll be earning much more than me - I know that without a doubt - but he'll also be working a lot more than me.

__________________
Eat antimatter, Posleen-boy!

match000

Hehe. Yes, I don't disagree that business jobs such as investment banking are alot of work. What I meant was, they got to have alot more fun in college than engineers. True, they work hard afterwards, but I was trying to point out that at least they had 4 years of comparatively slack and fun and free times.

Poppinjay

The only suggestion I could make is to try to schedule an upper level class totally outside your discipline. Since you were unaware of the word, "dopplganger", I would suggest a lit class. Maybe pop culture, or pop lit.

Other than that, offer to work tech for a college play, or even audition.

Part of this is blatant, there are more women in these classes and in the college theatre crowd (me was Alpha Psi Omega - the drama frat) and you'd have to be socially handicapped not to... um... get along with them. Oh, the stories I could tell about drama chicks.

The other part is that these kinds of challenges will bring outside your comfort zone and therefore make you more comfortable in unfamiliar situations. Comfort=confidence. Confidence=charisma.

If you are hesitant to do these kinds of things because of the whole "freshman finding a niche crowd", then you need to figure out how to get comfortable with that.

__________________
I think the Apocalypse is happening all around us. We go on eating desserts and watching TV. I know I do. I wish we were more capable of sustained passion and sustained resistance. We should be screaming and what we do is gossip. -Lydia Millet

Pragma

I'd second what Poppinjay said about doing tech for a college play. It's not too difficult to figure out lighting, sound, etc. - especially for someone with a technical mind - and just hanging out with the drama folk can be very entertaining - and "revealing"

It'll be a bit awkward at first, going into something completely new, but as you get the hang of it and become more comfortable - you'll start to open up and there will be plenty of women around, so it's a generally good environment.

__________________
Eat antimatter, Posleen-boy!

soccerchamp76

Well, I plan on going to medical school, and if that is sucessful, I am confident that I will earn more than nearly all the business majors. That isn't my only motivation though, money can only drive you to do so much.

Another thing that I planned on doing is, because my school is liberal arts, every student has to take science/art/math/business/theology/philosophy classes, to schedule some of the "core" classes lateron for my junior and senior year. Those classes are generally populated with freshman and sophomores and allow for meeting with a different group of people.

__________________
Brian Griffin: Ah, if my memory serves me, this is the physics department.
Chris Griffin: That would explain all the gravity.