Rubyee

So I haven't had a real relationship with my father ever since the age of 15. I am 22 now. He is kind of an ass. I am going to try and explain this as quickly as I can.

My parents divorced when I was 12. My dad remarried first to a woman that does not like me, and needless to say we never got alone. He moved an hour away with her.

He used to pick me up every other weekend so that I could spend time with him, but he worked in the city I lived in on the weekends so my time was spent in a town of 5000 with his wife.

We had arguements and screamfests and many things were said to me that I cannot forget. At the age of 16, he would start driving off with my little sister in the truck before I came out of the house. We stopped talking after a while aside from the occasional hello at a family function.

You see, I don't really miss the fact that I don't have a relationship with him. I don't really like who he is- he is not a nice person, nor is he a person with whom I could be friends ever. But lately his side of the family has started blaming me for the lack of a relationship. I know, I shouldn't let it bother me. It isn't entirely my fault. But it is starting to piss me off. I have told them time and time again that it really isn't their business, and it is between him and I. But they don't listen.

I want this whole thing to be over. I want to tell him to fuck off, and that if HE wants a relationship that HE can call me and HE can start acting like an adult should. I never realized that it was the responsibility of the child to make the relationship. However, if I do that, it will seem as if I am taking the blame for all of this, which I most assuredly am not.

It makes me mad that he will not do anything about it. But he has too much pride to do anything. My birthday was on the 10th. He called me on the 8th to ask what kind of gift certificate to send me. He then asked me what I was doing that night. I told him that I had plans, so he got pissed off and said that he would just send it in the mail. I have yet to see it yet. However, he will think that that was his attempt at forging a relationship. That was a pretty shitty attempt, if you ask me.

Anyhow, any of you have any input into this situation? It is hard for me to see past my own point of view in this situation, which normally isn't hard for me to do at all, so let me know what you think.

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maleficent

You are an adult now... not a child anymore... If you want a relationship with him, have one, on your terms... Think about what you want from him? Guidance, mentor, financial support, love, nothing... If you don't like him, and adds nothing to your life, and just makes it more stressful, there's nothing that says you have to maintain a relationship with him....

You can't pick your parents, and there are some parents who shouldn't be. You know what type of person he is, and he's probably not going to change, either accept him on those terms, or let him go... and enjoy your life.

What the rest of the family thinks is their problem... Until they have walked a mile or so in your shoes, they have no business judging...

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ngdawg

Whether you want closure or a relationship only you can decide. My suggestion is to write down how you feel you have been treated, what it is you are looking for from him. Hold onto that for at least 3 days. Go back, read it again and if it's the truth, send it to him. Then let go. Once you send this, you have freed your anger and put the obligations into his hands.
Good luck. I hope you find what you are looking for.

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Lead543

Well I'm at the point where I have to decide what kind of relationship I want with my Dad. He's been a bad parent in the past but in the past few years he's put forth a genuine effort to change and I'm returning that effort by developing a relationship with him.

It takes two people to make a relationship of any level work. Is your dad willing to put forth the effort? If not then it probably won't work.

(On a side note this is why divorce really sucks isn't it. You get caught between families and relationships and dynamics and end up in one big mess).

Maybe call once and awhile, check in. Give him an opportunity to create a relationship. Do your part, as much or as little as you see fit, the rest is up to him.

shesus

I had a falling out with my family around the age of 22. It wasn't my dad, but everyone on my mom's side of the family. I got accused of many things: stealing, lying, etc. I cut them out of my life and had to listen to my mom pleading with me to make things right. I told her that I would not put up with a friend who treated me like that. I find that blood relations can be hard to end because everyone will make you feel guilty. Well, after about 2 years of therapy, many rants in my journal, and arguments with my mom, I finally came to terms with the situation. It wasn't all my fault and it wasn't all their fault, but it was definitely an unhealthy relationship.

Anyway, about 4 years later, we moved to Chicago (about 10 hours away). That seemed to snap them out of whatever their problem was. They call me now every week and we are on better terms. I am not as close to them as I used to be, but we are on my terms now.

My advice to you would be to write a nasty letter. You don't need to send it, but it makes you feel really good. If you are unhappy in the relationship, just let it go. It may come back and it may not, but you have to be happy with your choice and not listen to anyone else's opinion about the matter. They don't have your brain or your heart so they don't know what you are feeling. I wish you the best of luck! Also, never count out therapy. It is not a sign of weakness and it helped me sort out my feelings to someone who was not involved in the situation.

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StanT

I didn't get along with my parents from the age of 15. The day after my 18th birthday, I moved out and didn't talk to them for 5 years. At 23, I stopped by and introduced them to their daughter in law (who was 6 months pregnant at the time). We get along fine now, though I don't talk to them that often.

It took some time apart for them to realize that I was an adult and that I could dictate the terms of our relationship. It took me some time to realize that I still wanted a relationship with my parents.

Cynthetiq

i advised Skogafoss of the same thing... on your terms not his.

Even I had a great relationship with my folks, but it's still on my terms.

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Johnny Pyro

I never got along with my father. He was a born again christian preacher. At the age of 16, I started developing my own thoughts and opinions on religion and questioned my own faith. Long story short, I rebelled against the church and my father.

I never talked to my father after I moved out of the house. When I was 21 he died of diabetes at 45. I never got to patch things up or talk to him. No father, son talk. At first, his death didn't bother me. Now, after 3 years since his death, I feel guilt. He never tried to talk to me and I never tried to talk to him. We were both stubborn.

I would at least give it a try with your father. If it doesn't work, at least you gave it a chance.

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"From delusion lead me to truth, from darkness lead me to light, from death lead me to eternal life. - Sheriff John Wydell

pattycakes

didnt read your whole post, but it sounds like deep down you want to be close with him even if you ont admit it, but you are just so mad.

I would say get over it stop living in the past. ihated/hate my mom for how she raised me, btu she did what she could, but i gotover it and we are talking again


....sometimes it takes the "bigger man" to stand up

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tecoyah

Closure is obviously needed, and no one here has the information (depth) needed to figure out how to get it....but

As has been stated....figure out what you want in this
then act

Get the drama over with and move on.....He is a father, and seems to have decided ....for now....not to play with his daughter

His loss....not yours

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Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. - Buddha

Charlatan

I concur with Johnny Pyro... I never got the chance to have the "talk" with my father before he died.

Our relationship wasn't as bad as some of the ones mentioned above but it wasn't what I would call close or warm either. I grew up with my Mom and never even met my Father until I was about 9.

It wasn't until I had a kid of my own that I started to understand him (or at least empathize with him). I was just in the process of building up to have the "talk". To let him know how I felt, etc. when he died.

Now it's too late.


Trust me. Make the effort to reach out. It may not turn out well in the end but it is the effort that makes all the difference. Anything less and regret will haunt you later in life.

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astrahl

Some very good advice here from others...here is my two cents...

Live life without regret. That is fast becoming my mantra. Live your life without regrets.

Write your guts out in a letter - tell him the pain you have felt from the day after the divorce until now.

From what you wrote - it sounds like you want a relationship with him and you want him to be part of your life...say so in the letter. He may be yearning to say the same, but, as with many men, there may be too much pride to say so.

Try not to be defensive or thorny in the letter - don't put him on guard. Pointing a finger at him and blaming him is not going to help build that bridge. What happened in the past - happened. Don't gamble a relationship with your father over whether he fesses up to his mistakes - because he probably won't - the pride thing again.

If the emotional plea doesn't work - you will know for sure that he has a black heart and you don't need somebody like that in your life.

I am all for taking action though. This is a very important relationship and it is worth a shot. If the worst happens, the pain of rejection will pass. Just don't handle it in such a way that leaves you wondering, "what if" or "if only..."

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Maybe it was over when she chucked me out the Rover at full speed.
Maybe Maybe...
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Cynthetiq

hmmm for some reason after reading the last few posts...

the song from Mike and the Mechanics "In the Living Years" seems to be playing in my head.... time to play it on Floyd.

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I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.

Sultana

I have to agree with every word Maleficent wrote.

I had a worse than terrible relationship with the man I called father. I ended up preserving myself and cutting him off from me, and I only wish I had done it sooner. I heard from all the family members about how "He's your Dad, you should have a relationship" and no, some people you shouldn't have a relationship with. Even if you happen to be in the same family (No disrespect intended to the others here who may have offered differing opinions, truely).

Although I don't believe in forgive and forget as in, "Let it go and continue down the relationship road," I do agree with the sentiment in that you need to forgive *For Yourself*; you don't want to carry around a load of resentment your whole life, it controls/warps you. And then, whatever choice you've made, accept responsibility for it and live your life.

I wish you the best of luck. I'm sorry you have to go through this.

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"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath.
At night, the ice weasels come." -

Matt Groening

My goal? To fulfill my potential.

Jinn

Your life is ultimately yours. There are plenty of people we meet daily who we never talk to again, and nonetheless don't feel remorse. Its a fact of life that we won't have a huge or good relationship with everyone we meet, and as a matter of fact its very unlikely. That said, feeling regret tells me that you still wish you could have a real relationship. The problem is, you have to be willing to forgive him. Forgiving does NOT mean condoning how he treated you, or anything like that. It means not letting his behavior or the naysayers' behavior bother you anymore. It's your life, your relationships, and your emotions. By letting someone else control these, you are losing part of yourself.

If you've forgiven him, you still have the choice whether to attempt a relationship or whether not to. You might think his attempt was half-assed, but if he's trying then you can hardly be one to judge his attempts. By resenting him for his previous behavior, you're just hurting yourself -- not him. Its likely that you'll forgive him for his previous behavior eventually, and then still not want a relationship. That's fine, but you've got to get over the past--first.

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Rubyee

You are right- any attempt is an attempt at all. But I sometimes feel like he only attempts such things so that he can look like the good guy to his mother. I think it would be easier to not have him in my life, honestly, so I don't know why it bothers me. I have never missed him, but I guess a lot of boils down to my grandfather's dying wish. Either that or I just really want him to know how I feel and let him know that he is missing out on something with me. I guess I don't really care anymore, because I haven't been thinking about it much lately. I don't know.

Wow- what a large amount of indecisiveness.

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You don't know from fun.

maleficent

If you want him to know how you feel ane what he's missing out on, you have to tell him. NG suggested writing a letter, do that... get out all your feelings and don't hold back at all... Then wait a few days and either edit it and send it, send it as is, or delete it and shut that door on that part of your life.


Wondering doesn't help you... and do it for yourself, not for your grandfather - your granddad loved you for you - he'll understand whatever you decide.

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