brinkn1

Here's what happened:

I've been working with this girl for 2 years now. I liked her from the moment we met, and I could tell that she liked me. I have NEVER ever connected with a girl like I did with her. Whenever I'm with her, I'm able to open up and be myself, and never feel at all shy or awkward around her, even though she is by far the most beautiful girl I've ever met.

For the first year or so when I knew her, she had a boyfriend. Eventually, inevitably, they broke up. I, of course, was ecstatic. I still played it slow though, because workplace relationships are very dangerous territory. But the longer I didn't do anything about my feelings, the deeper my feelings got for her. I've had girlfriends before, but before this, I had never been in love. I was definitely in love now. After holding out for a couple of months, I had to make my move, because I was going crazy. I wrote her the most beautiful letter, laid my heart on the line, told her that for better or worse, I had to make my feelings known to her, and left it along with a rose on her desk.

I fear nothing more than rejection (I don't know why), so making this move was maybe the gutsiest thing I've ever had to do.

When she came to work, she got the letter and the rose. She sent me an email that said "Oh my God, thank you for the letter! This is the nicest thing anybody has ever done for me, I'm going to keep it forever and ever and ever!" (word for word). Obviously, I was more than pleased. I told her that I had to let her know how I felt, but that we should take things slow. She replied (again, word for word) "NO! I want you to marry me now!!! Like this!:" (she then forwarded me a picture of a hillbilly wedding where the groom is wearing a sleeveless tux, the bride is pregnant, and the best man is a Rottweiler... yeah, she's cool).

I was on top of the world, and I think I can safely say that this was the best day of my life. I told my mom. I told my friends. I told my brother. I was happy. This was Monday, and Valentine's day was Friday. I started planning a Valentine's day date.

Next day, I get to work. I ask her "What are you doing for Valentine's day? If you don't have plans, leave it open!"

She says: "I'm going out with John (John is the EX) on Friday."

WHAT?!?!? WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED? I'm still baffled to this day. I told her that there must have been a GROSS communication error somewhere. Since this was all occurring in the office, I told her that I was going to leave this whole situation alone and try to forget it ever happened. She said "Sorry, I thought you knew we had gotten back together a couple of weeks ago."

I didn't know what to say, so I just walked away. I was prepared for rejection, despite my fear of it. What I wasn't prepared for, was to be catapulted to sheer ecstasy only to be pulled down, have my heart ripped from my chest, thrown to the ground, stomped on, spit on, and turned into a novelty ashtray.

I left work early, got into my car, and broke down (emotionally). Got home. Stared at the wall for an hour. Scored some heavy narcotics and drugged/drank myself into oblivion... it was the only solution at the time, the pain was literally unbearable. I don't think I'll ever be closer to suicide.

That was in February. I'm still in love. I still have to deal with her everyday. Not just on a business level either. She wants to eat lunch with me, smoke cigarettes, hang out, but she's still got the boyfriend. I can't say no - she is so beautiful, so heartwrenchingly sweet (but obviously also oblivious).

I can't get over her... I try, but I can't. My fear of rejection is stronger than it ever was before... I can hardly even talk to a member of the opposite sex now (unless I know her very well), let alone get the courage to ask one out. I feel like a spineless loser.

I have a couple of reasons for posting this:
First and foremost, to vent. I haven't really shared with anybody how deeply this whole situation has affected me, and I think it's important that I do so.
Second, I desperately need advice:
Is this something I should seek professional help dealing with? It's seriously inhibiting my ability to lead a happy life. Do I need to set things straight with Jas? I have no idea where I would start with that. How can I get over my fear of rejection and anxiety? bah.

Your thoughts?

__________________
I'm melting down your 20 inch rims to build 5 foot plates for the shins of my 30 foot android.

rival

If you are unable to get control of these feeling by yourself then I would suggest you try to get some help. Life is too short and you've been unhappy for too long.

What type of work do you do? Have you considered leaving this job and going to work someplace where you would be more comfortable?

Sage

That really really really sucks, first off. Secondly, if you would like to progress with your life, but feel that you can't get over this situation under your own power, by all means go to somone who can help you through. Unfortunately when we love someone there is no guarantee they will love you back, and this was shown to you in the most painful way. This girl seems to be perfectly happy with her EX, considering (from what you said about that letter you gave her) that she's very oblivious to your feelings. Sure, she's great and sweet, but the more you center your life around her, the less likely it is that you will "get over" her. Go to counseling, start a new hobby, go to the gym on your lunch break instead of going out to eat with her. Meet new people WITHOUT the intention of "hooking up"- just be yourself. I mean, she likes you, so you're not some total loser, so you shouldn't be approaching life with that attitiude. I'm really sorry you got your heart broken, because everyone can sympatize with that, but it'll heal, you'll learn some things, and one day love will find you, break those chains that bind you.....

:thumbs up: {{{{{HUG}}}}}}

__________________

Vincentt

Wow.... that is one of the shittyest things i've heard in a while.

I don't think she is oblivious, unless she is just THAT dence.

She was broken up, was thinking about using you for a rebound. Then the old guy came back (prob from some other girl) and she thought she could put you on the back burner for a while...

You are probabilty better off, I say get some help, talk to a shrink. Don't go to a doctor and get 'magic' pills though. Just look around at other women, you don't need to find someone right away, but don't miss out because of her.

__________________
.

hazelman

Before you wrote this letter, how much did you talk to her? Did you ask her out on any casual dates before the letter? I'm just wondering if she reacted strangely because of the suddenness of the letter. From what I can read of your story, it sounds like you moved in awfully fast and hard with a heart-pouring letter, before even a casual "wanna go to dinner?"

tiltedbc

here we go again..

- you're the "nice guy". She thinks of you as a friend to fallback on.

- here's how far you'll get with this girl; nowhere. If she was interested, you'd know.

- It is VITAL that you extinguish any fantasy growing in your head about this girl. I've been through this mania before. Sure, you're what she needs and will save her from her current situation etc... but the one needing saving is yourself. If you can take control of your own mind, this will make you a stronger person. If you can't, this is how you can begin a drug addiction, social problems, violence or suicide. WORK on getting past this.

- act like normal towards her. Treat her as the friend she thinks you are. If you pullback or act wierd she'll get concerned. DO NOT moan about this to other co-workers or try to work on her. If she's interested, she'll make the advance.

- if it's too hard to be around her, look for a new job. Seriously, this is why workplace or forced situation relationships are so tough. Don't shit where you eat.

- the EX (or some other dude) is always going to be in the background. Women that breakup/makeup will follow this pattern as a lifestyle. Be thankful if this hasn't cost you too much money.

- educate yourself better about relationships. There's some really good books on this subject such as "secrets of the Alpha Male" or "the social cowards seduction system". You didn't know how to ride a bike when you were born right? Mating/dating skills are something worth learning even if you've had previous relationships.

- really attractive girls can afford to be heartless and crazy. They've got their pick of boyfriends and they rarely choose a "nice guy" until they're ready to settle down. You need to find a girl who's interested in you and willing to make an effort. Or you need to become the outlaw biker type this crazy girls can't seem to resist. Go backpacking by yourself through Central America and you'll come back a different man (if you survive).

- this too will pass. I know it doesn't seem like it now, but give it some time. Consider this a learning experience and not a failure. Join some clubs or volunteer your time so you can meet other people along with women then let life progress.

You live. You learn.

Axiom_e

I want to give advice, but I have become a jaded romantic. So anything I tell you about relationships should not be listened too.

I would like to give this piece of advice: I am not against any drugs in general, but they should not, I repeat, should not be used to escape from a problem. Using drugs in this way can lead to the path of addiction. Please only use them to enchance life not run away from it.

Alternate method for getting rid of your angst. Do a stream of consiousness writting. Just pour your soul onto paper with all the rage and malcontent you feel. Do not use puncuation if you don't feel like it. Just let if flow. Then take the page or pages of rage and hurt and burn them and imagine that the emotion are being taken away with the paper. It helps me.

__________________
Life is meaningless.
How awesome is that?
Rock On! Now I can do whatever the hell I want
and give my own life meaning to myself.

streak_56

"The hardest thing in life to do, is to love and be loved in return."

It's going to be hard, very hard. If it is controling the way your life is playing out then you need to talk to someone who can help you. It will hurt, it will be hard but sometimes things are not meant to be. Just hang in there, we're all here to help you.

brinkn1

Thanks, all... there's some very good advice in here.

Axiom, this was the only time in my life I've used drugs to run away from a problem & obviously it didn't help any. Stream of conciousness writing sounds like a good idea, except that I might be scared to see just how disturbing any of my writings would turn out. =)

Tiltedbc, yes I am the proverbial nice guy, and I know where it gets us.
I think this is very good advice, and I think this is where I need to focus.

I want to avoid seeing a shrink if at all possible. I will give it a little more time and work on these things myself... if all else fails, will seek help.

Thank you all, again.

__________________
I'm melting down your 20 inch rims to build 5 foot plates for the shins of my 30 foot android.

blizzak

Well, the only thing that's left to be said about this person is that she is an absolute bitch. Anyone who is able to send someone almost to the point of suicide with words should not be trusted regardless of how "cool" they may seem on the outside. She's obviously manipulative and even if she only led you on that one day(or was making some sick joke out of it), that's one day too much.

On a lighter note, you seem just like me in certain ways! Find a girl that can really take a genuine interest in you and keep inviting her over till she eventually stays. That's how I did it and I'm just so damn lucky to have found someone who loves me just as much as I love her. Good luck.

__________________
Fueled by oxytocin!

Axiom_e

brinkn1

Yeah, I have save some of my writings and it is amazing how much one can hurt and to go back and read them can recall the feeling vividly. That is why I suggested burning them just do it outside the house if you decided to try it. Don't want you lodging to go up in a blaze.

__________________
Life is meaningless.
How awesome is that?
Rock On! Now I can do whatever the hell I want
and give my own life meaning to myself.

Beccarain

Oh, man, I feel for what you are going through; I went through a similar situation; work place romance, and they guy . . . well let's just say it ended very badly. I went through a period of a couple of months where I seemed unable to think about anything else but how to "fix" something that no longer existed. I went to therapy because I could see this problem was taking over my life and I so needed to get on with my life. Some great ideas have already been offered; I'd like to share some tips that helped me:

* allow (schedule) a small block of time each day to think/cry about her; if thoughts creep in any other time of day, gently push them aside and remind yourself to wait until the scheduled time. When that time is up, move on to something else. Taking control of your mind is crucial to getting on with your life.

* journaling is a great way to get the thoughts out of a racing/obsessed mind.

* stay far away from her!! From what you've said, I get the feeling she is not at all interested in friendship with you. Some people just like knowing they have the power over someone else, and like to string them along. She may very well be manipulating you. As long as being around her is so painful, you are indeed doing a disservice to yourself by pretending everything is cool. That must be torture for you! If you must stay with your present employer, at least consider limiting your dealings with her to business; no more lunches, smoke breaks, etc.

Above all, take care of yourself. Give yourself some time to heal and feel better about YOU before getting involved with someone else. Please remember that no one can make us feel anything -- we are responsible for our own thoughts and feelings.

Please do not rule out talking with a professional; a good therapist can help you help yourself. Anything that is preventing you from living your is a problem worthy of professional help. Trust me on this one.

You CAN get over her, and you will. You clearly have a good heart and lots of love to share with the right person. So take some time to heal yourself; you are a project well worth the effort.

Big ((hug))

Fohur2

I am in a situation very close to this...just walk away.I stayed and im regretting it everynight then I smile when I see her.Not worth it..but I won't go into detail.

If you really are uncomfortable.Just slowly fade out of her life,she doesn't need you,and you don't need her.

Astrocloud

Um, I've been in a similar place before. I would avoid the alcohol and/or narcotics and go with something better. Basically I think an anti-depressant would work wonders.

Best of Luck,

Kryptik

It seems to me you got the wrong impression from her emails. They seem to be joking. That is why it is always better to communicate verbally. In written communication, whether it be letters, emails, IMs, whatever, it is much harder to convey tone for things like sarcasm/joking. People in long distance relationships run into this problem as well. So the next time you're going to tell a girl how you feel do it face to face. She'll respect you more, whether she reciprocates the feelings or not, and there is a far lesser chance of misinterpreting what goes on.

The fact that she acts like nothing has changed is another indication she thought you were joking. If she really was creeped out/ unintereseted, she would likely avoid you. Of course, there are some women who just like to mess with guys, and she very well could be one of them.

As for what to do, I'd try to get away from her. Stop hanging out with her; nothing good will come from it. If possible, you may want to look into transferring or moving to a different location. She doesn't want a relationship with you. You need to accept that and realize that holding out hope is only going to hurt yourself.

Hang in there.

Marvelous Marv

There's good advice here. Especially the part about getting away from her.

You need to get your life busy enough to give you time to recover. Get a new job if possible. Move, maybe.

And especially, develop a new interest in something that will occupy a large portion of your non-working time.

Do that, and in six months, I think you'll be over her enough to move on.

RusCrimson

I concur with everything stated, and emphasize trying to forget her. Of course, that's just asking you to ignore the elephant in the middle of the room right now. In the long run, however, filling your head and mind with positive things is the best way to get over this. And unfortunately, getting over it is exactly what needs to be done. Anyone who can take the letter and then joke about it does not have the respect for your feelings sufficient to deserve your love.

kramus

It is important to be very clear within yourself about what has gone on - the clarity allows you to dismantle the upset, to get control over it. You can write it down on a piece of paper divided into 3 horizontal spaces. In the first space write down what happened - exactly, with no editorial comments or interpretations. This is key. The last space write down all your thoughts about what happened, your interpretations - call it your story about what you see went on, and what you tell yourself in your head when you are locked in that negative spiral of obsession. The middle space you use for writing the effects this has. How has the situation controlled you, what areas in your life are now lacking or that you feel you have lost control over. This is the cold analysis of how your story of what actually happened has impacted you.

What you need to be doing is take that spiral of unhappiness and turn it into just another of those constant streams of internal dialogue that goes on inside all of us. It has no weight. It is not wisdom, or sense, or anything. It is just the voice that is running inside our heads. Be aware of it, but don't let it run your emotions, or your life.

Not a magic bullet, but possibly a constructive approach to what is happening. All the best to you.

__________________
And now to disengage the clutch of the forebrain ...
I'm going with this - if you like artwork visit http://markfineart.ca

The.Lunatic

Things will get better life will go on you'll find your own way, but if you want some really sound / hard to take advice PM me.

__________________
Proud memeber of the Insomniac Club.

Sugarmouse

yes this sucks..and i feel for you.if i was you i think she probably does like you a lot and i would questionwhy this guy became an ex.he may have put pressure on her to get bk..and if she is as nice as you say, he proabbly as vincent said, fooked her arouund in some way.

and as someone else has mentioned i canot find it now, if he has persuaded her he may well hang around all the time.

want my advice of how yo have the best chance..im no expert..i would back off...actually i probably wouldnt .but i thnk if you do..you may have a chance of getting somewhere...if that fails..as was said before..act normal

good luck and dont letit put you of women..she likes you alot by the sounds of it..it is her situation..but another thing..she was unthoughtful and a lil cold to let you find out the way you did..if that were me i would have at least spoken to you explained my feelings and situation and why i was going to do what she did KWIM?

__________________
Sugarmouse=Festered

Johnny Pyro

I'm sorry. A broken heart is one of the worse pains someone can have. Only once I had my heart broken, torn out and pissed on! I tend not to fall in love for I am afraid. I don't ever want to feel that again. I'd rather get punched in the face!

Time heals. As time goes on it will get easier, you will find someone else. I feel for you and good luck!

__________________
"From delusion lead me to truth, from darkness lead me to light, from death lead me to eternal life. - Sheriff John Wydell

macmanmike6100

This is incredibly pertinent for me personally, and I haven't signed onto the TFP in at least a month. In any case, I'm going through a similar situation and while I logically feel what many people are saying (get away, be strong, find other things, etc. etc.), I also think I feel your pain.

I just spent well over a grand on a similar girl. Four days in New York is what I gave her. She's incredibly attractive, uniquely intelligent, realistically perverse, and just a tad bit crazy. What am I supposed to do? Unreciprocated love is all too common, so let's both be tough and make it through this. The day she left, I went into a ridiculous depression and, despite being a strong and generally drug-free individual, turned to drugs and drinking as well. That was the for day, and the next I made sure to have quality life-long friends to talk with and spend time with.

Find people who not only *appreciate* your very being but understand (at least some of it) as well. That's how you can get beyond this girl, and how you can start to wean yourself off of the idea of being together and in love with her.

Best of luck,
Mike

mandy

i think that it's most probably one of the hardest things one ever has to do in their life, falling out of love with someone.

it's not easy when you have such strong feelings for someone and have your heart broken like that.

i've been having a tough time with my bf for the past coupla months or so and im at a point where i just dont care anymore and i told him this and he told me something that i really took to heart...im talking serious depression here, like so depressed you cant think bout anything else...he told me that "you're in a place right now that only you can bring yourself out of"...that is the same advice that i want to give you today.

i'm still quite upset with our problem and even though i love him dearly i have alot of anger and hate inside me and alot of that is directed at him, as im guessing you are feeling right now.

some people may say "forgive and forget" but it's not that easy and nobody is expecting you to, that part is all up to you.

keiichi451

I'm in a very similar situation...

We'll work on it together (falling out of love, that is)

fatmanforprez

Well what can one say, love sucks. And it sounds like we have alot in common in the love area, I am currently doing my best to fall out of love with a woman who never deserved my feelings (at least I have to tell myself this daily). It isnt easy and it isnt fun, But when I was seeing her daily I was making no progress at cutting away from her emotionally. Now that I was a bit of a dick to her last couple times i saw her she dosent come bringing me down and i dont seek her out, its painful and I owe her an explination as to why I am meeting her on her own level. However right now such an explination would put me back to square one, but I cant let it sit so I am gonna have to sit her down and explain why i am being a jerk in the hopes she will understand. And trust me it will really be easier if you throw yourself at everything with 2 legs at this point, you have no idea how much that is helping me. Best of luck, the way you were treated was royally messed up.

777

Gals should were a funny hat or arm band or necklace or something that let's us know that their taken or not interested. It would solve a lot of messes before they start. Like a wedding ring, but big enough that it can be seen across a crowded mall.

And I don't know how you do it, but I can't stand plotamia with a gal I'm attracted to/have a crush on. It's romance or nothing. Which causes me to lead the life of a lone ranger, but it gives me time to wretch the barbed, rusty knife from me and stich the wound.

There is one thing that I tryed last November with a gal I met through school. It's so simple, I don't know why a buddy of mine and I were up 'til 5am planning it. Ideally, it leads to happiness. Realisticly, it just lets her know how I feel and set up a lose, lose situation that I can live with. If I had her number, I'd have called. So I sent an email stating that I wanted to be her boyfriend. I still have her reply.

__________________
"I don't know that I ever wanted greatness, on its own. It seems rather like wanting to be an engineer, rather than wanting to design something - or wanting to be a writer, rather than wanting to write. It should be a by-product, not a thing in itself. Otherwise, it's just an ego trip."

Roger Zelazny

vector_1979

I feel for you. I think out of sight out of mind is the best thing for you, although it could be tough since you work at the same place! Maybe treat yourself on a long holiday?

__________________
------------------------------------------------
Tip: Never do your shoe lace up in a revolving door

Schwan

Well... from my own experience I can tell you that a broken heart is something that heals for a very long time, and it always leaves a large scar. It took me three years to get over someone, and two more years to get to the point I'm at right now - that is feeling hurt, rejected and not willing to enegage in any relationships, with memories of that person returning every once and again. My advice - get out. Forget about her as soon as possible. Do whatever, just don't stick around for too long.

astrahl

For every insensitive woman who does that to some extraordinarily sweet and romantic man - there are three women who wish bitches like that would shrivel up and die. I hope that this one bad experience won't jade you into abandoning your ways. More men should be like you.

__________________
Maybe it was over when she chucked me out the Rover at full speed.
Maybe Maybe...
~a-Ha

flobadon

I was once in a situation very similar to that, with a girl that was involoved with one of my close friends (99% of the time getting involved with a friend's ex is a BAD thing). She told me she had feeling for me, and I said that was cool because the feelings were mutual. The next day she told me she changed her mind (still had feeling for my friend, didn't want to 'hurt' me or some tripe like that). Didn't speak to her for several years. I guess I was only upset about it for a month or so afterwards, but damned if I wanted to talk to her. Funny thing is, one day we just started talking again; all was forgiven and we are friends again. The poster above me is correct -- keep being a nice guy as we are a dying breed!

Time and conversation are the keys. Some people need a hell of a lot more time, and nothing will ever be right again since the damage is already done, but you're on the right track. Good luck to you.

analog

Time.

You can try anything you like, I've tried them all, but only time will really cure you of her memory, and the feelings you hold. Good luck, man.