Here's what happened:
I've been working with this girl for 2 years now. I liked her from the moment we met, and I could tell that she liked me. I have NEVER ever connected with a girl like I did with her. Whenever I'm with her, I'm able to open up and be myself, and never feel at all shy or awkward around her, even though she is by far the most beautiful girl I've ever met.
For the first year or so when I knew her, she had a boyfriend. Eventually, inevitably, they broke up. I, of course, was ecstatic. I still played it slow though, because workplace relationships are very dangerous territory. But the longer I didn't do anything about my feelings, the deeper my feelings got for her. I've had girlfriends before, but before this, I had never been in love. I was definitely in love now.
After holding out for a couple of months, I had to make my move, because I was going crazy. I wrote her the most beautiful letter, laid my heart on the line, told her that for better or worse, I had to make my feelings known to her, and left it along with a rose on her desk.
I fear nothing more than rejection (I don't know why), so making this move was maybe the gutsiest thing I've ever had to do.
When she came to work, she got the letter and the rose. She sent me an email that said "Oh my God, thank you for the letter! This is the nicest thing anybody has ever done for me, I'm going to keep it forever and ever and ever!" (word for word). Obviously, I was more than pleased. I told her that I had to let her know how I felt, but that we should take things slow. She replied (again, word for word) "NO! I want you to marry me now!!! Like this!:" (she then forwarded me a picture of a hillbilly wedding where the groom is wearing a sleeveless tux, the bride is pregnant, and the best man is a Rottweiler... yeah, she's cool).
I was on top of the world, and I think I can safely say that this was the best day of my life. I told my mom. I told my friends. I told my brother. I was happy. This was Monday, and Valentine's day was Friday. I started planning a Valentine's day date.
Next day, I get to work. I ask her "What are you doing for Valentine's day? If you don't have plans, leave it open!"
She says: "I'm going out with John (John is the EX) on Friday."
WHAT?!?!? WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED? I'm still baffled to this day. I told her that there must have been a GROSS communication error somewhere. Since this was all occurring in the office, I told her that I was going to leave this whole situation alone and try to forget it ever happened. She said "Sorry, I thought you knew we had gotten back together a couple of weeks ago."
I didn't know what to say, so I just walked away. I was prepared for rejection, despite my fear of it. What I wasn't prepared for, was to be catapulted to sheer ecstasy only to be pulled down, have my heart ripped from my chest, thrown to the ground, stomped on, spit on, and turned into a novelty ashtray.
I left work early, got into my car, and broke down (emotionally). Got home. Stared at the wall for an hour. Scored some heavy narcotics and drugged/drank myself into oblivion... it was the only solution at the time, the pain was literally unbearable. I don't think I'll ever be closer to suicide.
That was in February. I'm still in love. I still have to deal with her everyday. Not just on a business level either. She wants to eat lunch with me, smoke cigarettes, hang out, but she's still got the boyfriend. I can't say no - she is so beautiful, so heartwrenchingly sweet (but obviously also oblivious).
I can't get over her... I try, but I can't. My fear of rejection is stronger than it ever was before... I can hardly even talk to a member of the opposite sex now (unless I know her very well), let alone get the courage to ask one out. I feel like a spineless loser.
I have a couple of reasons for posting this:
First and foremost, to vent. I haven't really shared with anybody how deeply this whole situation has affected me, and I think it's important that I do so.
Second, I desperately need advice:
Is this something I should seek professional help dealing with? It's seriously inhibiting my ability to lead a happy life. Do I need to set things straight with Jas? I have no idea where I would start with that. How can I get over my fear of rejection and anxiety? bah.
Your thoughts?
