Learning basic social skills - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

soma · 01-26-2005, 08:57 AM

TFPers,

First of all, thanks for all of the advice you have been giving so far. It has been a tremendous help and I am very thankful.

My current problem is something I have been struggling with all my life: shyness. It is becoming more and more of an issue now that I am living in a dorm. I'm trying to make frineds and am reasonably successful when I am speaking to only one other person, but when I partake in a group activity like a game of poker, I just get really tense, and I just stay really quiet. So I guess what I'm wondering is how I can get better at being comfortable around big groups of people.

I'm sure you all do this naturally, but can you think how to act when trying to break into a new group of friends? I'm really really quiet when in groups and I'm a bit worried that the people I'm trying to win over are completely uninterested in me because I'm so quiet. Should I continue trying to spend time with these people and will things just fall into place, or should I take another approach... Any specific tips or advice? (if it helps, this is my first semester at the dorm, and pretty much everyone else's second semester at the dorm. Because of this, many people already know each other very well and many cliques have already formed. Not that it wasn't already hard enough to make friends

) If you guys need more specific information about my situation, please please ask.

Any and all advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks so so much!

ratbastid · 01-26-2005, 09:30 AM

Look, the bottom line of your question is: how do I make people like me.

Here's the answer: You can't. People either like you or they don't. The ones who like you like you, and the ones who don't don't. That's both the good news and the bad news.

That means you can quit worrying about how to make them like you, and quit worrying about whether they will or not. It means you can just relax and be yourself, and let the ones who are going to like you like you.

Charlatan · 01-26-2005, 09:36 AM

What Ratbstid says is true...

You can also just spend some time hanging out and listening... Treat life like you would an online forum... lurk for a while, get your bearings and when you have figured out if you fit in or want to hang out start posting (or chatting as the case may be...)

Suave · 01-26-2005, 09:47 AM

Not entirely true RatBastid. If you know the kind of person people like, you can act that way and they then have a higher chance of liking you. Hell, you could even change your whole personality if you care to.

frogza · 01-26-2005, 11:07 AM

Unfortunatly being quiet has become a social taboo. "If you're quiet you must be shy, so you need to change" I have had the same problem all my life. You have to ask yourself what is making you uncomfortable, is it the being quiet or the pressure to be someone you're not.

If you're just a quiet person don't put on a show for everyone, it will come back to bite you later. As soon as you slip back to who are, quiet, everyone will think you're mad or depressed and it will be very hard to explain that the loud talkative you was a big act. Be yourself, you don't need to be uncomfortable with silence just because some people can't handle a little quiet.

theusername · 01-26-2005, 11:42 AM

You can change your personality but do you really want to? I'm pretty quiet myself but at the same time there's not a whole lot I would change about myself socially. College is tough at first, it takes awhile to be comfortable, took me months. I find that I prefer to have a few close friends. Groups usually form from there, meeting friends of their friends...

Don't force things or you may not like who you become or the friends that you make. Just be yourself let things happen and do what makes you happy.

Should you be more outgoing? Sure, can't hurt. But don't change who you feel that you are, cause if your genuine then im pretty sure you already like who you are.

Thats just my 2 cents

Suave · 01-26-2005, 12:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by theusername

You can change your personality but do you really want to? I'm pretty quiet myself but at the same time there's not a whole lot I would change about myself socially. College is tough at first, it takes awhile to be comfortable, took me months. I find that I prefer to have a few close friends. Groups usually form from there, meeting friends of their friends...

Don't force things or you may not like who you become or the friends that you make. Just be yourself let things happen and do what makes you happy.

Should you be more outgoing? Sure, can't hurt. But don't change who you feel that you are, cause if your genuine then im pretty sure you already like who you are.

Thats just my 2 cents

I never said you should, just that it's possible. And also, I hear the Japanese culture is greatly accepting and comfortable with quiet people and silence in conversations. You could always learn Japanese and live there as a Gaijin.

rockzilla · 01-26-2005, 12:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Suave

Not entirely true RatBastid. If you know the kind of person people like, you can act that way and they then have a higher chance of liking you. Hell, you could even change your whole personality if you care to.

Yeah, but would you like yourself afterwards? That's a lot more important than being liked by others.
I used to be pretty shy, I guess I thought that noone noticed me or cared what I had to say. At some point I got tired of not being noticed and started to speak up. It turns out that I'm a pretty likable guy. It all comes down to self confidence, knowing that you have something valuable to offer other people. I wish I could tell you where to get some, but you'll have to find it yourself.

soma · 01-26-2005, 02:08 PM

Ok. So I should just be myself. I think I can do that. I have a fairly good idea of who I am and who I am not. So my next question is this: if being myself is the main goal, how can I be extrovertly when I am naturally introverted? I'm guessing I can be myself (as shy as that may be) and still be socially successful if I put some basic social skills to use (skills that I do not have yet and am interested in learning).

Like, making introductions. So let's say I eat dinner with my room mate and a bunch of his friends. Should I just, as Charlatan suggested, lurk around during the meal before introducing myself a couple days or possibly weeks later? Another situation: there are these people who keep their door open almost all the time and they are quite friendly. Should I walk in and say stuff like: "hey what are you up to? blah blah blah" without introducing myself? Should I continue doing that until we sort of feel comfortable with each other before saying: "By the way, I'm blah blah blah. What's your name?". See, it's these basic sort of ground rules that I really have no clue about.

As always, any (and I mean any) advice would be very much appreciated.

inkriminator · 01-26-2005, 02:23 PM

One of the keys, and it's so obvious it may be easy to forget, is to remember that you are talking to people. You are a person, and so many of these questions you can answer by simply asking the question to yourself. If you had your door open and someone came in, carried some small talk and left, wouldn't you like to know that person's name?

That said, I've had the same problem. With smaller groups I'm more talkative, but the bigger the groups are, the harder it is for me to find my niche. I suppose that's natural and the solution to that would be just to hang around in groups whose sizes you are comfortable with

guitardude74 · 01-26-2005, 03:20 PM

I used to be very introverted in public, but last year I went to a new school so I realized I would have to learn how to talk! Until this year, I was always known as "the quiet guy", people always used to ask me "Why are you so quiet?", "how come you never talk?". I never get that anymore. I changed myself and am happy for it.

My advice: Be overly confident, (but don't let other people know or you'll seem arrogant and shit

). Just walk in one of those open doors, introduce yourself, and say "What's up?" or some other conversation starter (e.g. ask him a question about a sports game you missed, or a t.v. show). For me, I would still feel quite awkward and nervous doing something like that, but I would still do it anyway. I think that if you want to be happy, you gotta do what you know is best for the future, and not what you would naturally do, like stay introverted. It's not good to be an introvert, and if that's what you are, then you have to change. It may sound a bit harsh but it's true.

Also, try to think of yourself as the 'coolest' person in the world and that everyone wants to be your friend. I used to think that I was inferior to everyone else, but that's not true, I am the superior one

and that will help you bring self-confidence into any social situation.

Here's a section from an email newsletter/report that I found once, and have been subscribed to it for a while:

Quote:

[ABOUT SELF CONFIDENCE]

1. Make a list of your strong points. All the positive
things about yourself and the things that you are good at
doing.

Think of compliments you have received or things that come
easily to you. It doesn’’t matter what it is, if it’’s
good, write it down.

2. Choose two of those things that you want to work on to
improve even more. It’s important to succeed and by
concentrating on the areas you are already good at you will
have a better chance of becoming even more sure of
yourself.

Remember that success builds upon success.

3. Exude confidence even if you don’t feel like it. Talk to
yourself in an encouraging way and stay away from negative
thoughts and people as you can.

Instead surround yourself with positive, confident, and
successful people. This will become a habit and one that
will build confidence.

4. Look at yourself in a different way than you are used to
doing. It can change your life and help your confidence
level to rise.

See yourself as the self confident person you want to be
and before you know it you will become that person.

If you have a set-back do not let it get the best of you.
Remember the times when you exhibited self confidence and
how good it felt and then try again and each time will help
you to build confidence and confidence building will become
a way of life.

Do keep in mind that being self-confident is about feeling
confident. And I have already given you two very powerful,
practical ways to feel super confident whenever you need to
be at your very best.

I find that it's got some good advice that I use a lot. The guy that writes that also wrote a book about communicating with people better, and it's probably a pretty good book but I've never bought it

I just like the free emails.

Free Confident Communication Report:
http://www.workwealth.com/
That's the site to sign up for it, I would recommend it. It has really helped me in becoming more extroverted.

nickynicole · 01-26-2005, 04:05 PM

Lots of alcohol.

(intentionally bad advice)

Suave · 01-26-2005, 05:18 PM

It works, and it's not as bad as it seems nicky.

C4 Diesel · 01-26-2005, 05:28 PM

I believe (and this is really just an assumption) that most people who are introverts but desire to be extroverts do so because they are afraid that during interpersonal communication they are going to do something which would elicit a negative response. Now I have two things to say about this...

1) It is possible to be both quiet and an extrovert. You don't have to be constantly contributing to every conversation to be a part of it, and you don't have to make noise to hang out or make friends. If you don't have that much to say, that's cool, but you shouldn't be afraid of talking when you want because ... well ... That's part of point 2.

2) It isn't worth changing who you are for others. If YOU want to change, that's all good, but don't worry about being a different person so your roomate's friends will like you or whatever. That being said, some peolpe aren't going to like you, but if they don't, whatever. Fuck 'em. You don't need to be friends with everyone to be happy, and unless the person is a close-minded douchebag, the chances are heavily in your favor that the person is going to be okay with you at the very least.

So that being said, if you want to introduce yourself, just do it. If you want to speak up in a conversation, do it. If someone is going to do something and you want to join them, ask. It really is as simple as just doing it.

Suave · 01-26-2005, 11:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by C4 Diesel

I believe (and this is really just an assumption) that most people who are introverts but desire to be extroverts do so because they are afraid that during interpersonal communication they are going to do something which would elicit a negative response. Now I have two things to say about this...

I partially agree.

Quote:

1) It is possible to be both quiet and an extrovert. You don't have to be constantly contributing to every conversation to be a part of it, and you don't have to make noise to hang out or make friends. If you don't have that much to say, that's cool, but you shouldn't be afraid of talking when you want because ... well ... That's part of point 2.

Not quite. Extroversion and introversion are simply personality traits referring to the manner in which one "thinks". Some people think out loud, and therefore vocalize, while others maintain an inner monologue. It is possible to be both an introvert and talkative, however. It's really just a question of semantics.

Quote:

2) It isn't worth changing who you are for others. If YOU want to change, that's all good, but don't worry about being a different person so your roomate's friends will like you or whatever. That being said, some peolpe aren't going to like you, but if they don't, whatever. Fuck 'em. You don't need to be friends with everyone to be happy, and unless the person is a close-minded douchebag, the chances are heavily in your favor that the person is going to be okay with you at the very least.

Also agreed.

Quote:

So that being said, if you want to introduce yourself, just do it. If you want to speak up in a conversation, do it. If someone is going to do something and you want to join them, ask. It really is as simple as just doing it.

Simple, yet sometime excruciatingly difficult.

Rlyss · 01-27-2005, 01:24 AM

A few people have said things along the lines of 'being shy is who you are and if people don't like it then too bad for them'. I don't think that's quite true in your situation. You are shy, but you're not trying to force yourself into something you're not, you're not trying to become someone else, you're not lying to yourself or anything like that. You're just having a bit of trouble finding your place in a group where all the places have apparently been filled long ago.

If you don't want to be shy anymore then don't feel bad about it mate. I don't think you do but some of the responses here struck me as saying that you shouldn't do anything different, and make them come to you. I think if you want to be more out there then go for it!

So for some more useful advice than just talk, I say:

- Those people with their doors open want you in there! They want people to come in and say hey. (If you walk in there and it smells of vomit or something and the window is open, perhaps they're just airing out the room.) But I don't see any harm in stopping by and saying 'G'day, I'm soma, I live down the hall, just wanted to say hi.' They're not going to give you a Jeff Spicoli look, they're going to say hi, and give you their names. Comment on the poster on the wall or the guitar or the video game boxes and go from there.

- If you're at dinner with strangers and there's a conversation happening, feel free to jump in. Don't chime in with 'Hey, if anyone's offended by racist jokes, better block your ears!' but if someone mentions a movie, or a band, or a class, or the meaning of life, then give your opinion, and leave it open ended, especially if you ask any questions. Questions that can be answered with a yes or a no will get you nowhere.

- And leave your own door open when you're in the room, keep it neat and have the window open, don't have music on too loud but perhaps put on stuff you like. If I lived in a dorm and someone's door was open and they were playing Blind Melon or Nick Cave I'd be in there in a flash! I'd knock and poke my head in first, of course. A sock on the doorknob means 'Don't even think about it', a wide open door means 'Come on in'.

- Join all the social clubs you think you can handle, making sure your homework comes first. You don't have to be worried about starting up a conversation about Monty Python in the Monty Python club or about beer in the More Beer club.

- If someone introduces someone else to you, try and see if they say 'Hi' and then shift their eyes back to the one who introduces you. If they do that then your name probably just went in one ear and out the other. If they still look at you then start up a conversation. 'How do you know ...' would be the most obvious thing to start with. They say 'From high school' and you say 'Which high school was that?' They say 'It's to the East', you say 'I used to live near the East, now I've come here and I'm studying anthropology'. Before you know it you guys'll be chatting away.

- Remind people of your name. Put a name tag on your door for you and your roomate if you want, make it funny and people won't forget you. If you meet someone make sure they remember your name, don't mumble it. If you say 'My name's Adrian' and they say 'Hi Evan, I'm Sam', make sure you correct them, nicely of course!

That's about all I can think of off the top of my head, I've tried to give real-world examples instead of the usual 'Get confident, stupid!' lines. I'm moving to a new place next week and I know only one person in the whole city, so I'll be employing some of these as well!

Best of luck to you mate, and keep us posted about how things are going

asaris · 01-27-2005, 07:46 AM

Don't sweat it too much, either. Developing social and conversational skills takes time and practice, just like any other skill set.

soma · 01-27-2005, 08:09 AM

Everyone: Thank you all very much. Your advice so far is all really great. I'm finding that just discussing it (even if it is just online) makes me feel a bit better about my problems, so thanks.

I will make sure I update this thread with my future successes and failures. If anyone has more advice, feel free to post.

munchen · 01-27-2005, 03:42 PM

Quote:

Not quite. Extroversion and introversion are simply personality traits referring to the manner in which one "thinks". Some people think out loud, and therefore vocalize, while others maintain an inner monologue. It is possible to be both an introvert and talkative, however. It's really just a question of semantics.

Not quite. This has to deal with where a person draws their energy from. Extroverts tend to draw their energy from being around people and from their enviroment. So they would be people at partys who are always full of energy and running around talking to people. Introverts are people that draw their energy from within. They can read for hours or play on the internet for hours, but social situations usually leave them tired and exuasted afterward. At a party they tend to hang out in small groups or friends they know well(or not go). Hence extroverts tend to always be "out there" and introverts are more reclusive. You can still be an introvert and be very social, still enjoy being around people. They just tend to need more time to themselves.

I've been in almost the exact same positon myself. My advice is to just get comfortable and confident with yourself. You are not perfect, you are not even close, but nobody else is either. If you can be comfortable with your faults and be yourself, you will start to attract like minded people and will gravitate towards them as well. It's better not to try to be something or force something and end up in a group that doesn't fit you well, or a group that your not comfortable with. If you can be youself things will fall into place. Its about being comfortable with yourself. The social skills are something that you will build over time, there is no quick fix. Chances are you are already better socialy than you think. Good luck

ratbastid · 01-28-2005, 02:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Suave

Not entirely true RatBastid. If you know the kind of person people like, you can act that way and they then have a higher chance of liking you. Hell, you could even change your whole personality if you care to.

You know, I actually don't believe you can. Not like "people are a fixed way", more like "trying to change never works".

But you CAN take all that self-consciousness out of the way if you stop worrying so much about having people like you. Do that, and you might find--purely as a side-effect--that your personality alters, or a confident, fun side emerges. But "trying to act" confident and fun is NOT the same as actually being confident and fun.

Jove · 01-30-2005, 02:45 PM

I will have to agree with what everyone has said so far. And just be yourself in social settings. If you are a quiet individual, then everyone should accept that. I tend to be quiet and shy, but I just want to observe other people and what they say. If you feel comfortable in the social setting, then start chatting!

skier · 01-30-2005, 03:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by munchen

Not quite. This has to deal with where a person draws their energy from. Extroverts tend to draw their energy from being around people and from their enviroment. So they would be people at partys who are always full of energy and running around talking to people. Introverts are people that draw their energy from within. They can read for hours or play on the internet for hours, but social situations usually leave them tired and exuasted afterward. At a party they tend to hang out in small groups or friends they know well(or not go). Hence extroverts tend to always be "out there" and introverts are more reclusive. You can still be an introvert and be very social, still enjoy being around people. They just tend to need more time to themselves.

I'm just going to throw in some info on extraversion and introversion here because I've seen a few posts already that include some good points but are misleading on others.

The difference between extroverts and introverts is primarily biologically influenced. Eysenck published a study in 1967 that founded the basis of this theory. He argued that the Ascending reticular activating system (ARAS) regulates activity in the cerebral cortex, which is involved in maintaining alertness and concentration and controlling the sleep cycle. When it's functioning at a high level, people are sharp and alert. At a low level, they are sluggish and drowsy.

Eysenck proposed that the typical (resting) level of ARAS activity in introverts is higher than in extroverts. So when nothing stimulating is going on, introverts are more alert than extroverts (and so can more easily focus on introspective activities like reading, games, studies). But since introverts have higher base arousal levels, they are easily overaroused. So they're more likely to withdraw from social interaction because they are overstimulated. Extroverts have a naturally lower base arousal level, and will seek out stimulation to bring their arousal up.

So social situations make introverts uncomfortable, because they are overstimulated. Practice at social situations will bring down the level of arousal an introvert will experience when they find themselves in those situations. Like the first day on the job vs. the 1200'th day.

captanhero · 01-30-2005, 05:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by skier

Practice at social situations will bring down the level of arousal an introvert will experience when they find themselves in those situations. Like the first day on the job vs. the 1200'th day.

I definitely agree with this. Like any other skill, being comfortable in social settings takes practice (more for some than for others). I have always been a very introverted person, and it was not until I went off to college that I started to get a handle on it. I grew up in a military family, and we moved very frequently (four times in seven years at one point), so making close friends was difficult at best. It was no coincidence that the places we lived for 2 or 3 years were easier to handle than those where we lived for six months.

You get better around people with time and experience. And it's ok not to be the most outgoing person in the room all the time.

soma · 01-30-2005, 05:16 PM

UPDATE:

I promised an update so here it is. I've ventured into the rooms of other folks and did ok. The first time, I sat around and watched some folks casually playing video games. They welcomed me in and even offered me a sprite (nice folks I must say). It was semi awkward as I just sat there and didn't say anything, but I remembered what you all said about quiet being ok (so I ddin't freak out and get all nervous). Afterwards, I followed them to dinner, sat quietly and ate by them. Again, it was semi awkward, but I wasn't dying during my meal.

I swung by the same room another night (there was only one guy in there, and one on one conversation is much easier for me) and had a short chat with another guy playing halo 2. That went quite well.

Other than that, I tried keeping my door open. I was surprised by the results. One person asked if I could borrow a screw driver, another just wandered in and started talking to me, and a CA told me that candles weren't allowed in the dorms. A lot of action and I'd have to say I handled it all fairly well. (door question: is it acceptable to keep my door open when no one else has theirs open? I feel weird when I'm the only one in the hall with my door open. Should I just act a bit bolder and keep it open even if it is the only one open in the hall?)

^ Any specific suggestions on how to improve my social skills in the above social situations? Probably the one with the most need for improvement is the first one I described. Any advice/tips/suggestions would be great.

Thanks!

skier · 01-30-2005, 05:26 PM

Its totally fine to have your door open if you want it open. As a bonus, anyone that just wants to chat with a random person will come to you because you're the only one with an open door

one suggestion for keeping a conversation going is called Nouning. Ask an open ended question (How have things been these past few weeks for you?) And almost always the person you're talking to will mention a noun- a person, place, thing, event, activity, etc. When they finish talking, either talk about your own experience with that noun or ask another question that has something to do with the noun. Some nouns are more important than others so keep track of what you think are the most interesting/important and ask about them when conversation dies down. This is the process by which most people carry on a conversation, and after a while it should get easier to remember the nouns, and later even internalize the whole process, so it's an subconscious sort of thing.

Rlyss · 01-31-2005, 12:47 AM

Good on you soma, I've got a big stupid grin on my face after reading that

See, it wasn't all absolutely perfect, nothing is, but you've made lots of progress there

Meeting the guys playing Halo is a good thing, and having your door open while everyone else's is closed just tells people that you're the friendliest guy in the hall

Can't go wrong with that

Good onya

nohitters · 02-08-2005, 07:29 PM

I have the same problem. I've been denied by so many girls that I'm basically afraid to even show a sign of commitment. Plus, I'm a skateboarder, and a videogame-aholic. Nobody in my school shares the same interests. My advice to you is to just stick with it and take it slow. You don't have to rush your personality. If you do, you tend to not act like yourself and it drives people away. I know this makes me sound like a guidance counselor but this is one of those things in life where setting goals actually helps. At each get together, try something new or to talk a little more. If they start to avoid you, find someone else.

kurtisj · 02-08-2005, 08:39 PM

just remember, this is gonna sound very corny, but be yourself, people can tell when you aren't. I can read when people are acting different just to try to get people to like them or think that they are cool. Also if people dont like you, who gives a flyin fuck, thats life, you gotta go with the flow and whatever happens happens.

02-09-2005, 12:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by skier

one suggestion for keeping a conversation going is called Nouning. [...] When they finish talking, either talk about your own experience with that noun or ask another question that has something to do with the noun.

Hehe... what do you know... apparently the way ELIZA programs (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/ELIZA) function is not so stupid after all.

BTW, this is indeed a very easy way to carry on a conversation for a long time. Just try not to pick different nouns wildly throughout the conversation and change the topic all too often. After all, you *do* want to learn something about the other person and not just chat.

Most ELIZA bots found on the Internet are just plain dumb, so they don't actually converse with you, they just throw back questions using "nouning". I think you'll find this: http://www.alicebot.org/ far more interesting conversation-wise.

AfterBurn · 02-10-2005, 04:42 PM

yea man just be yourself, if you dont like something about yourself then change it but dont do it just to impress others, when someone tries to impress someone else it shows and it automatically slots you below the person youre trying to impress in the social standard of things, so youll wanna stay away from that. the only reason you are having this problem is because youre scared that people will think youre dumb or whatever and that will cause you pain. if you really wanna make friends with someone find out what the persons interests are and then talk to them. good luck.

soma · 02-20-2005, 11:03 AM

Well, things are starting to look up. But I have one little question. What is the proper way to get introduced to new folks. Say I met a person in my hall and had lunch with him and a few of his friends I don't know. Should I introduce myself to these new people, should I wait for the person I came with to introduce me, or should I just lurk and observe the people?

mulletJeb · 02-20-2005, 11:25 AM

Don't lurk, set out after what you want. Otherwise, your mind will fill with doubts and that can only be a bad thing. Go up there and introduce yourself, and take it from there. For a good confidence booster, look into a person's eyes when you speak with him, and try not to blink or look away because these are signs of nervousness.
Also, you're in college now and there are tremendous opportunities to get involved in groups and meet people that way. Get out there and pursue what interests you.
What's important is that you're already on your way if you're making the effort so good for you, and best wishes.

mulletJeb · 02-20-2005, 11:26 AM

Oh, also keep your door open when you're playing music or videogames or just hanging out. Do this often, and people will be likely to stop in and say hello.

insidious_machinae · 02-21-2005, 10:57 AM

I really wish I would have seen a thread like this when I was still in the dorms.

hambone · 02-21-2005, 11:35 AM

soma, you sound like you are doing everything great. I also am a shy person, but taking initiative like this and putting yourself out there was a very brave and admirable thing to do. I have found similar results to what you are describing. People like people, and just presenting yourself to others will most likely result in a friendship, or at least personal growth on your part.

I am veyr proud of you and you should be too. You will just have regrets if you don't put yourself forward.

As for keeping your door open, keep it open as much as you can. It doesn't matter if others do. Who knows, you may become the person who everyone know is always available to talk and create a great reputation and experience for yourself in the dorms. Also, this way you get people coming to you, so you don't have to constantly be fearing if they want to talk to you, since they will be the initiators.

Just be open to others, and enjoy your time there. Make friends, you may have them for life.

ckp · 02-21-2005, 01:10 PM

I've always been a bit introverted, and started college off as what could most charitably be called "painfully shy." I just had to force myself to interact with other people, as myself. I still am uncomfortable around people I don't know, but over time I've learned what's appropriate acquaintance conversation.

One thing that helped me was to rip off one of those "self-improvement" strategies: I made an effort to get to know people with traits I wanted to posess. DO NOT try to be friends with people just to assimilate their personalities -- that's phony and CREEPY. But I found friends I enjoyed, liked and could admire. And I've learned lots that I'd like to emulate from people who I geniunely admire, by looking around and trying to surround myself by the types of people I'd... well, like to be surrounded by. One particularly extroverted friend of mine (who I've known for years now) was recently talking about a very shry mutual acquaintance and said something very profound (to me):

"You know, he's like you used to be. He didn't know how to just hang out."

And I didn't -- I was so socially inept and task-oriented, I had no real idea how to just hang out and get to know people. Maybe you'll sit around playing card games all night... or who knows what could happen. If nothing else, just hanging out is a great way to build up the shared experience and anecdotes that are important to friendships.

One more thing that really worked against me for a long time: Any castoff comment, or gesture, or action, was immediately pounced upon by my mind, and dissected. I spent a tremendous amount of energy in self-criticism and over-analysis. Learning how to get over that REALLY freed me up to have friends, in no small part because getting over that baggage really made me more pleasant to be around. It was a big deal to learn to take myself less seriously. One of the best ways I found to do that was by learning to be embarassed, or put my foot in my mouth, or whatever, and being able to laugh at myself. That doesn't mean being a slapstick stooge, but if you do say something embarassing or feel like you're on the spot, try to laugh it off.

You sound like you're already doing much better than I did. I was halfway through college before I even started having fun with it.

Squishor · 02-21-2005, 01:40 PM

I can relate, soma.

I used to be painfully shy and introverted - when I was in 8th grade the people I went to school with actually thought I was mute! So you should know that you're not alone.

It took until I was in my mid-20s for me to develop anything like a functional public personality (I was always okay with my family, etc.) and even then I didn't know how to do introductions and wouldn't shake hands. However, I found that I was actually able to get by without doing introductions at all. I guess I just let other people handle that, but my thing was I was just allergic to social norms and small talk or something. The result? The people I did get to know were generally original thinkers, for one thing. I still tend to clam up when I'm in larger groups of people. It's okay, they'll probably think you're intelligent and mysterious.

So just practice, like you're doing. It's like you're conditioning yourself to be less stressed in social situations. School in general is a great place to learn, so you're in the perfect place. Just practice saying "hi" to people - you don't have to have a particularly important reason. Or engage them in dialogue by either asking or offering help of some kind, like directions to a good coffeeshop or something. Another great way of breaking the ice is humor - you can even make a comment to total strangers if something funny happens nearby, and they will generally accept it and go along.

To be honest, I attribute a lot of my social skills to drinking. Without alcohol, I might have just sat in my room reading a book instead of going out and learing how to relax and talk to people. The thing is, by practicing while drinking I learned that you really can just go up to people and say stuff, and pretty soon I got to the point that I was able to do it sober. I just needed that kick-start to get myself to lower my inhibitions. Not that I'm recommending you turn into a lush, but it might help your social life, that's all.

02-21-2005, 02:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ckp

I've always been a bit introverted, and started college off as what could most charitably be called "painfully shy." I just had to force myself to interact with other people, as myself. I still am uncomfortable around people I don't know, but over time I've learned what's appropriate acquaintance conversation.
[...]
"You know, he's like you used to be. He didn't know how to just hang out."
[...]
One of the best ways I found to do that was by learning to be embarassed, or put my foot in my mouth, or whatever, and being able to laugh at myself. That doesn't mean being a slapstick stooge, but if you do say something embarassing or feel like you're on the spot, try to laugh it off.

Most excellent post. You pretty much sum up my experiences during the first 3 years of my studies. Only recently have I begun shedding off my introversion and communicating with people. The trick is to try and talk to as many people as you can. Make small talk with people you don't know, IF of course you see they have the time (don't do it on a busy supermarket cashier lane :roll: ). What I quoted in bold is an ultimate truth. I'd go a bit further and turn it around. So instead of just learning to laugh something off, I will usually make a sarcastic/funny comment (not a rude one, mind you) about it. This communicates to the others that you know what you do and are feeling comfortable being who you are.

Quote:

You sound like you're already doing much better than I did. I was halfway through college before I even started having fun with it.

I'm more than halfway through university and I really started socializing once the academic pressure was a bit low at the end of the last semester. Since then I have probably done more socializing than in my first year altogether

soma · 02-21-2005, 04:49 PM

Thank you thank you thank you. It makes me feel a bit better to know there are others like me out there

.

soma · 02-22-2005, 07:29 PM

First of all, thanks again for all of the help all of you all have been giving here. But I'm afraid that I am still in need of your guidance.

I am hanging out with a group of folks who are all quite nice except for this one person. He seems nice at times, but he does strange things to assert power over me. In class if we’re sitting next to each other, he will move his leg right into mine and kind of rock it sideways to let me know it’s there. He also puts his arm over the arm rest into my arm and will also rock it sideways to let me know it’s there. I’m pretty sure he is doing this intentionally, but his motive is still a complete mystery. But that’s not what I’m concerned about. What I am concerned about is being able to resolve this issue without appearing hostile towards him and without blowing it out of proportion.

I completely suck at confronting people even if I know it’s for my own good (like in this case). Usually I will get all emotional and will have millions of gallons of adrenaline pumping through me by the time I’m done. Any suggestions on making an appropriate and effective confrontation the next time this happens? What specifically should I say? Oh, and I'm a guy, so this isn't flirting or anything.

Thanks thanks thanks.

01-26-2005, 08:57 AM	#1 (permalink)
soma Addict Location: USA	Learning basic social skills TFPers, First of all, thanks for all of the advice you have been giving so far. It has been a tremendous help and I am very thankful. My current problem is something I have been struggling with all my life: shyness. It is becoming more and more of an issue now that I am living in a dorm. I'm trying to make frineds and am reasonably successful when I am speaking to only one other person, but when I partake in a group activity like a game of poker, I just get really tense, and I just stay really quiet. So I guess what I'm wondering is how I can get better at being comfortable around big groups of people. I'm sure you all do this naturally, but can you think how to act when trying to break into a new group of friends? I'm really really quiet when in groups and I'm a bit worried that the people I'm trying to win over are completely uninterested in me because I'm so quiet. Should I continue trying to spend time with these people and will things just fall into place, or should I take another approach... Any specific tips or advice? (if it helps, this is my first semester at the dorm, and pretty much everyone else's second semester at the dorm. Because of this, many people already know each other very well and many cliques have already formed. Not that it wasn't already hard enough to make friends ) If you guys need more specific information about my situation, please please ask. Any and all advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks so so much!

01-26-2005, 09:36 AM	#3 (permalink)
Charlatan Getting it. Super Moderator Location: Lion City	What Ratbstid says is true... You can also just spend some time hanging out and listening... Treat life like you would an online forum... lurk for a while, get your bearings and when you have figured out if you fit in or want to hang out start posting (or chatting as the case may be...) __________________ "My hands are on fire. Hands are on fire. Ain't got no more time for all you charlatans and liars." - Old Man Luedecke

01-26-2005, 09:47 AM	#4 (permalink)
Suave Twitterpated Location: My own little world (also Canada)	Not entirely true RatBastid. If you know the kind of person people like, you can act that way and they then have a higher chance of liking you. Hell, you could even change your whole personality if you care to. __________________ "Few people are capable of expressing with equanimity opinions which differ from the prejudices of their social environment. Most people are even incapable of forming such opinions." - Albert Einstein "Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something." - Plato

01-26-2005, 11:42 AM	#6 (permalink)
theusername Insane	You can change your personality but do you really want to? I'm pretty quiet myself but at the same time there's not a whole lot I would change about myself socially. College is tough at first, it takes awhile to be comfortable, took me months. I find that I prefer to have a few close friends. Groups usually form from there, meeting friends of their friends... Don't force things or you may not like who you become or the friends that you make. Just be yourself let things happen and do what makes you happy. Should you be more outgoing? Sure, can't hurt. But don't change who you feel that you are, cause if your genuine then im pretty sure you already like who you are. Thats just my 2 cents __________________ ?

01-26-2005, 05:18 PM	#13 (permalink)
Suave Twitterpated Location: My own little world (also Canada)	It works, and it's not as bad as it seems nicky. __________________ "Few people are capable of expressing with equanimity opinions which differ from the prejudices of their social environment. Most people are even incapable of forming such opinions." - Albert Einstein "Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something." - Plato

01-26-2005, 09:30 AM	#2 (permalink)
ratbastid Darth Papa Location: Yonder	Look, the bottom line of your question is: how do I make people like me. Here's the answer: You can't. People either like you or they don't. The ones who like you like you, and the ones who don't don't. That's both the good news and the bad news. That means you can quit worrying about how to make them like you, and quit worrying about whether they will or not. It means you can just relax and be yourself, and let the ones who are going to like you like you.

01-26-2005, 11:07 AM	#5 (permalink)
frogza Registered User Location: Right Here	Unfortunatly being quiet has become a social taboo. "If you're quiet you must be shy, so you need to change" I have had the same problem all my life. You have to ask yourself what is making you uncomfortable, is it the being quiet or the pressure to be someone you're not. If you're just a quiet person don't put on a show for everyone, it will come back to bite you later. As soon as you slip back to who are, quiet, everyone will think you're mad or depressed and it will be very hard to explain that the loud talkative you was a big act. Be yourself, you don't need to be uncomfortable with silence just because some people can't handle a little quiet.

01-26-2005, 02:08 PM	#9 (permalink)
soma Addict Location: USA	Ok. So I should just be myself. I think I can do that. I have a fairly good idea of who I am and who I am not. So my next question is this: if being myself is the main goal, how can I be extrovertly when I am naturally introverted? I'm guessing I can be myself (as shy as that may be) and still be socially successful if I put some basic social skills to use (skills that I do not have yet and am interested in learning). Like, making introductions. So let's say I eat dinner with my room mate and a bunch of his friends. Should I just, as Charlatan suggested, lurk around during the meal before introducing myself a couple days or possibly weeks later? Another situation: there are these people who keep their door open almost all the time and they are quite friendly. Should I walk in and say stuff like: "hey what are you up to? blah blah blah" without introducing myself? Should I continue doing that until we sort of feel comfortable with each other before saying: "By the way, I'm blah blah blah. What's your name?". See, it's these basic sort of ground rules that I really have no clue about. As always, any (and I mean any) advice would be very much appreciated.

01-26-2005, 02:23 PM	#10 (permalink)
inkriminator Insane	One of the keys, and it's so obvious it may be easy to forget, is to remember that you are talking to people. You are a person, and so many of these questions you can answer by simply asking the question to yourself. If you had your door open and someone came in, carried some small talk and left, wouldn't you like to know that person's name? That said, I've had the same problem. With smaller groups I'm more talkative, but the bigger the groups are, the harder it is for me to find my niche. I suppose that's natural and the solution to that would be just to hang around in groups whose sizes you are comfortable with

01-26-2005, 04:05 PM	#12 (permalink)
nickynicole Crazy Location: not here.	Lots of alcohol. (intentionally bad advice)

01-26-2005, 05:28 PM	#14 (permalink)
C4 Diesel Crazy Location: Troy, NY	I believe (and this is really just an assumption) that most people who are introverts but desire to be extroverts do so because they are afraid that during interpersonal communication they are going to do something which would elicit a negative response. Now I have two things to say about this... 1) It is possible to be both quiet and an extrovert. You don't have to be constantly contributing to every conversation to be a part of it, and you don't have to make noise to hang out or make friends. If you don't have that much to say, that's cool, but you shouldn't be afraid of talking when you want because ... well ... That's part of point 2. 2) It isn't worth changing who you are for others. If YOU want to change, that's all good, but don't worry about being a different person so your roomate's friends will like you or whatever. That being said, some peolpe aren't going to like you, but if they don't, whatever. Fuck 'em. You don't need to be friends with everyone to be happy, and unless the person is a close-minded douchebag, the chances are heavily in your favor that the person is going to be okay with you at the very least. So that being said, if you want to introduce yourself, just do it. If you want to speak up in a conversation, do it. If someone is going to do something and you want to join them, ask. It really is as simple as just doing it. __________________ C4 to your door, no beef no more...

01-27-2005, 01:24 AM	#16 (permalink)
Rlyss The Pusher Location: Edinburgh	A few people have said things along the lines of 'being shy is who you are and if people don't like it then too bad for them'. I don't think that's quite true in your situation. You are shy, but you're not trying to force yourself into something you're not, you're not trying to become someone else, you're not lying to yourself or anything like that. You're just having a bit of trouble finding your place in a group where all the places have apparently been filled long ago. If you don't want to be shy anymore then don't feel bad about it mate. I don't think you do but some of the responses here struck me as saying that you shouldn't do anything different, and make them come to you. I think if you want to be more out there then go for it! So for some more useful advice than just talk, I say: - Those people with their doors open want you in there! They want people to come in and say hey. (If you walk in there and it smells of vomit or something and the window is open, perhaps they're just airing out the room.) But I don't see any harm in stopping by and saying 'G'day, I'm soma, I live down the hall, just wanted to say hi.' They're not going to give you a Jeff Spicoli look, they're going to say hi, and give you their names. Comment on the poster on the wall or the guitar or the video game boxes and go from there. - If you're at dinner with strangers and there's a conversation happening, feel free to jump in. Don't chime in with 'Hey, if anyone's offended by racist jokes, better block your ears!' but if someone mentions a movie, or a band, or a class, or the meaning of life, then give your opinion, and leave it open ended, especially if you ask any questions. Questions that can be answered with a yes or a no will get you nowhere. - And leave your own door open when you're in the room, keep it neat and have the window open, don't have music on too loud but perhaps put on stuff you like. If I lived in a dorm and someone's door was open and they were playing Blind Melon or Nick Cave I'd be in there in a flash! I'd knock and poke my head in first, of course. A sock on the doorknob means 'Don't even think about it', a wide open door means 'Come on in'. - Join all the social clubs you think you can handle, making sure your homework comes first. You don't have to be worried about starting up a conversation about Monty Python in the Monty Python club or about beer in the More Beer club. - If someone introduces someone else to you, try and see if they say 'Hi' and then shift their eyes back to the one who introduces you. If they do that then your name probably just went in one ear and out the other. If they still look at you then start up a conversation. 'How do you know ...' would be the most obvious thing to start with. They say 'From high school' and you say 'Which high school was that?' They say 'It's to the East', you say 'I used to live near the East, now I've come here and I'm studying anthropology'. Before you know it you guys'll be chatting away. - Remind people of your name. Put a name tag on your door for you and your roomate if you want, make it funny and people won't forget you. If you meet someone make sure they remember your name, don't mumble it. If you say 'My name's Adrian' and they say 'Hi Evan, I'm Sam', make sure you correct them, nicely of course! That's about all I can think of off the top of my head, I've tried to give real-world examples instead of the usual 'Get confident, stupid!' lines. I'm moving to a new place next week and I know only one person in the whole city, so I'll be employing some of these as well! Best of luck to you mate, and keep us posted about how things are going

01-27-2005, 07:46 AM	#17 (permalink)
asaris Mad Philosopher Location: Washington, DC	Don't sweat it too much, either. Developing social and conversational skills takes time and practice, just like any other skill set. __________________ "Die Deutschen meinen, daß die Kraft sich in Härte und Grausamkeit offenbaren müsse, sie unterwerfen sich dann gerne und mit Bewunderung:[...]. Daß es Kraft giebt in der Milde und Stille, das glauben sie nicht leicht." "The Germans believe that power must reveal itself in hardness and cruelty and then submit themselves gladly and with admiration[...]. They do not believe readily that there is power in meekness and calm." -- Friedrich Nietzsche

01-27-2005, 08:09 AM	#18 (permalink)
soma Addict Location: USA	Everyone: Thank you all very much. Your advice so far is all really great. I'm finding that just discussing it (even if it is just online) makes me feel a bit better about my problems, so thanks. I will make sure I update this thread with my future successes and failures. If anyone has more advice, feel free to post.

01-30-2005, 02:45 PM	#21 (permalink)
Jove Groovy Hipster Nerd Location: Michigan	I will have to agree with what everyone has said so far. And just be yourself in social settings. If you are a quiet individual, then everyone should accept that. I tend to be quiet and shy, but I just want to observe other people and what they say. If you feel comfortable in the social setting, then start chatting!

01-30-2005, 05:16 PM	#24 (permalink)
soma Addict Location: USA	UPDATE: I promised an update so here it is. I've ventured into the rooms of other folks and did ok. The first time, I sat around and watched some folks casually playing video games. They welcomed me in and even offered me a sprite (nice folks I must say). It was semi awkward as I just sat there and didn't say anything, but I remembered what you all said about quiet being ok (so I ddin't freak out and get all nervous). Afterwards, I followed them to dinner, sat quietly and ate by them. Again, it was semi awkward, but I wasn't dying during my meal. I swung by the same room another night (there was only one guy in there, and one on one conversation is much easier for me) and had a short chat with another guy playing halo 2. That went quite well. Other than that, I tried keeping my door open. I was surprised by the results. One person asked if I could borrow a screw driver, another just wandered in and started talking to me, and a CA told me that candles weren't allowed in the dorms. A lot of action and I'd have to say I handled it all fairly well. (door question: is it acceptable to keep my door open when no one else has theirs open? I feel weird when I'm the only one in the hall with my door open. Should I just act a bit bolder and keep it open even if it is the only one open in the hall?) ^ Any specific suggestions on how to improve my social skills in the above social situations? Probably the one with the most need for improvement is the first one I described. Any advice/tips/suggestions would be great. Thanks!

01-30-2005, 05:26 PM	#25 (permalink)
skier Rawr! Location: Edmontania	Its totally fine to have your door open if you want it open. As a bonus, anyone that just wants to chat with a random person will come to you because you're the only one with an open door one suggestion for keeping a conversation going is called Nouning. Ask an open ended question (How have things been these past few weeks for you?) And almost always the person you're talking to will mention a noun- a person, place, thing, event, activity, etc. When they finish talking, either talk about your own experience with that noun or ask another question that has something to do with the noun. Some nouns are more important than others so keep track of what you think are the most interesting/important and ask about them when conversation dies down. This is the process by which most people carry on a conversation, and after a while it should get easier to remember the nouns, and later even internalize the whole process, so it's an subconscious sort of thing. __________________ "Asking a bomb squad if an old bomb is still "real" is not the best thing to do if you want to save it." - denim

01-31-2005, 12:47 AM	#26 (permalink)
Rlyss The Pusher Location: Edinburgh	Good on you soma, I've got a big stupid grin on my face after reading that See, it wasn't all absolutely perfect, nothing is, but you've made lots of progress there Meeting the guys playing Halo is a good thing, and having your door open while everyone else's is closed just tells people that you're the friendliest guy in the hall Can't go wrong with that Good onya

02-08-2005, 07:29 PM	#27 (permalink)
nohitters Tilted	I have the same problem. I've been denied by so many girls that I'm basically afraid to even show a sign of commitment. Plus, I'm a skateboarder, and a videogame-aholic. Nobody in my school shares the same interests. My advice to you is to just stick with it and take it slow. You don't have to rush your personality. If you do, you tend to not act like yourself and it drives people away. I know this makes me sound like a guidance counselor but this is one of those things in life where setting goals actually helps. At each get together, try something new or to talk a little more. If they start to avoid you, find someone else.

02-08-2005, 08:39 PM	#28 (permalink)
kurtisj Insane Location: The Wick	just remember, this is gonna sound very corny, but be yourself, people can tell when you aren't. I can read when people are acting different just to try to get people to like them or think that they are cool. Also if people dont like you, who gives a flyin fuck, thats life, you gotta go with the flow and whatever happens happens. __________________ Marvin the Mountie Always Gets His Kurtisj.

02-10-2005, 04:42 PM	#30 (permalink)
AfterBurn Psycho	yea man just be yourself, if you dont like something about yourself then change it but dont do it just to impress others, when someone tries to impress someone else it shows and it automatically slots you below the person youre trying to impress in the social standard of things, so youll wanna stay away from that. the only reason you are having this problem is because youre scared that people will think youre dumb or whatever and that will cause you pain. if you really wanna make friends with someone find out what the persons interests are and then talk to them. good luck. __________________ smoking weed everyday keeps the doctor away

02-20-2005, 11:03 AM	#31 (permalink)
soma Addict Location: USA	Well, things are starting to look up. But I have one little question. What is the proper way to get introduced to new folks. Say I met a person in my hall and had lunch with him and a few of his friends I don't know. Should I introduce myself to these new people, should I wait for the person I came with to introduce me, or should I just lurk and observe the people?

02-20-2005, 11:25 AM	#32 (permalink)
mulletJeb Insane	Don't lurk, set out after what you want. Otherwise, your mind will fill with doubts and that can only be a bad thing. Go up there and introduce yourself, and take it from there. For a good confidence booster, look into a person's eyes when you speak with him, and try not to blink or look away because these are signs of nervousness. Also, you're in college now and there are tremendous opportunities to get involved in groups and meet people that way. Get out there and pursue what interests you. What's important is that you're already on your way if you're making the effort so good for you, and best wishes.

02-20-2005, 11:26 AM	#33 (permalink)
mulletJeb Insane	Oh, also keep your door open when you're playing music or videogames or just hanging out. Do this often, and people will be likely to stop in and say hello.

02-21-2005, 10:57 AM	#34 (permalink)
insidious_machinae Psycho	I really wish I would have seen a thread like this when I was still in the dorms.

02-21-2005, 11:35 AM	#35 (permalink)
hambone Zeroed In Location: CA	soma, you sound like you are doing everything great. I also am a shy person, but taking initiative like this and putting yourself out there was a very brave and admirable thing to do. I have found similar results to what you are describing. People like people, and just presenting yourself to others will most likely result in a friendship, or at least personal growth on your part. I am veyr proud of you and you should be too. You will just have regrets if you don't put yourself forward. As for keeping your door open, keep it open as much as you can. It doesn't matter if others do. Who knows, you may become the person who everyone know is always available to talk and create a great reputation and experience for yourself in the dorms. Also, this way you get people coming to you, so you don't have to constantly be fearing if they want to talk to you, since they will be the initiators. Just be open to others, and enjoy your time there. Make friends, you may have them for life. __________________ "Like liquid white from fallen glass, Nothing to cry over"

02-21-2005, 01:10 PM	#36 (permalink)
ckp Upright Location: Alabama	I've always been a bit introverted, and started college off as what could most charitably be called "painfully shy." I just had to force myself to interact with other people, as myself. I still am uncomfortable around people I don't know, but over time I've learned what's appropriate acquaintance conversation. One thing that helped me was to rip off one of those "self-improvement" strategies: I made an effort to get to know people with traits I wanted to posess. DO NOT try to be friends with people just to assimilate their personalities -- that's phony and CREEPY. But I found friends I enjoyed, liked and could admire. And I've learned lots that I'd like to emulate from people who I geniunely admire, by looking around and trying to surround myself by the types of people I'd... well, like to be surrounded by. One particularly extroverted friend of mine (who I've known for years now) was recently talking about a very shry mutual acquaintance and said something very profound (to me): "You know, he's like you used to be. He didn't know how to just hang out." And I didn't -- I was so socially inept and task-oriented, I had no real idea how to just hang out and get to know people. Maybe you'll sit around playing card games all night... or who knows what could happen. If nothing else, just hanging out is a great way to build up the shared experience and anecdotes that are important to friendships. One more thing that really worked against me for a long time: Any castoff comment, or gesture, or action, was immediately pounced upon by my mind, and dissected. I spent a tremendous amount of energy in self-criticism and over-analysis. Learning how to get over that REALLY freed me up to have friends, in no small part because getting over that baggage really made me more pleasant to be around. It was a big deal to learn to take myself less seriously. One of the best ways I found to do that was by learning to be embarassed, or put my foot in my mouth, or whatever, and being able to laugh at myself. That doesn't mean being a slapstick stooge, but if you do say something embarassing or feel like you're on the spot, try to laugh it off. You sound like you're already doing much better than I did. I was halfway through college before I even started having fun with it.

02-21-2005, 01:40 PM	#37 (permalink)
Squishor Frontal Lobe Location: California	I can relate, soma. I used to be painfully shy and introverted - when I was in 8th grade the people I went to school with actually thought I was mute! So you should know that you're not alone. It took until I was in my mid-20s for me to develop anything like a functional public personality (I was always okay with my family, etc.) and even then I didn't know how to do introductions and wouldn't shake hands. However, I found that I was actually able to get by without doing introductions at all. I guess I just let other people handle that, but my thing was I was just allergic to social norms and small talk or something. The result? The people I did get to know were generally original thinkers, for one thing. I still tend to clam up when I'm in larger groups of people. It's okay, they'll probably think you're intelligent and mysterious. So just practice, like you're doing. It's like you're conditioning yourself to be less stressed in social situations. School in general is a great place to learn, so you're in the perfect place. Just practice saying "hi" to people - you don't have to have a particularly important reason. Or engage them in dialogue by either asking or offering help of some kind, like directions to a good coffeeshop or something. Another great way of breaking the ice is humor - you can even make a comment to total strangers if something funny happens nearby, and they will generally accept it and go along. To be honest, I attribute a lot of my social skills to drinking. Without alcohol, I might have just sat in my room reading a book instead of going out and learing how to relax and talk to people. The thing is, by practicing while drinking I learned that you really can just go up to people and say stuff, and pretty soon I got to the point that I was able to do it sober. I just needed that kick-start to get myself to lower my inhibitions. Not that I'm recommending you turn into a lush, but it might help your social life, that's all.

02-21-2005, 04:49 PM	#39 (permalink)
soma Addict Location: USA	Thank you thank you thank you. It makes me feel a bit better to know there are others like me out there .

02-22-2005, 07:29 PM	#40 (permalink)
soma Addict Location: USA	First of all, thanks again for all of the help all of you all have been giving here. But I'm afraid that I am still in need of your guidance. I am hanging out with a group of folks who are all quite nice except for this one person. He seems nice at times, but he does strange things to assert power over me. In class if we’re sitting next to each other, he will move his leg right into mine and kind of rock it sideways to let me know it’s there. He also puts his arm over the arm rest into my arm and will also rock it sideways to let me know it’s there. I’m pretty sure he is doing this intentionally, but his motive is still a complete mystery. But that’s not what I’m concerned about. What I am concerned about is being able to resolve this issue without appearing hostile towards him and without blowing it out of proportion. I completely suck at confronting people even if I know it’s for my own good (like in this case). Usually I will get all emotional and will have millions of gallons of adrenaline pumping through me by the time I’m done. Any suggestions on making an appropriate and effective confrontation the next time this happens? What specifically should I say? Oh, and I'm a guy, so this isn't flirting or anything. Thanks thanks thanks.