alicat

O'kay, this is so convoluted I can only hope you guys can stay with me because I'm at a complete loss and would really welcome any advice. If you don't want to read a very long and probably confusing post, then don't. I'm sure that plenty of you won't think this is worthy of your time, but when it comes to serious issues, I'm sorry, I don't know how to condense it. Post's that just say "Wha?" arent needed or wanted. This is serious to me and if someone doesn't have anything constructive to say, then please, say nothing at all. Thank you.

My Mother is Bi-polar, but only mildly so. Most of the problem with her is that she refuses to grow up and take any kind of responsibility for herself and has never done so at the age of 52. She is a Hypochondriac to the Nth. degree, not because she is legitamately sick (she has some minor health problems), but because she relishes in attention, whether postive or negitive. Please, no yelling at me about not understanding mental illness, in my 33 yrs. of living with her, I've edjucated myself plenty, trust me, she's an individual case. I could literally write a book about her, and maybe I will some day.

Hubby and i have been together for nearly 16 yrs. since we were both 17. He's been witness to a lot of the crap my mother has pulled in the intervening yrs.. I could go on and on but you would all fall asleep reading about it. My parents divorced when I was 18. My sister is 5 yrs. younger than me and decided to stay with my dad when the divorce happened, which was a good thing since he was the more responsible parent. I was 18 and moved out to live with my BF (now Hubby of 11 yrs.).

Fast forward to now. I love my new BIL (Brother-in-law) except for the fact that he is extremely opinionated. For example, Hubby and I are huge Red Wings fans and have been so for over a decade (OK, me=decade +, hubby=all his concious life). He (BIL) never watched hockey untl a couple of yrs. ago when he joined our family, and makes comments about it as if he's been watching it (specifically the Red Wings) his whole life. I know that's piddly stuff, but that is an example leading up to the gist of my problem now...

A week ago, hubby and I went to a play with my sister and her new hubby. Before we left their house, she said ""My hubby" wants to know when you are going to have mom and (her hubby, our step-dad) stay at your house?". My hubby said "Never, if I can help it, I didn't invite them out in the first place!", (we're all on the opposite side of the state than my mom). It's worth noting that they have a largish middle-class house with a huge livingroom and three extra bedrooms. The house we rent is small and the second bedroom is basically our pantry/storage room. Yes, it has a Twin bed but what good does that do for two adults?! They have had my mom and step-dad out 3 times this year, but they invited them everytime. I should say, hubby and I have struggled finacially for 16 yrs. and my sis married someone 3 yrs. younger than herself who had some lucky breaks career wise (family worked in the business), and they were able to buy a house before they married. We don't own our house, we rent, and therefore it's small (like a lot of rentals) and doesn't really accomodate guests. I'm not jealous, just a bit envious. My hubby has lived through years and years of crap from my mom, and has a very short fuse when it comes to dealing with her. My new BIL has only been around for about 3 years now.

So, my hubby has been there, done that, for nearly 16 yrs. now, whereas my new BIL is a newcomer and doesn't understand all the dynamics invovled. I love my sister and don't want to cause any bad blood right off the bat with her new husband. My sis and BIL invited my mother and step-dad out for this coming weekend (see above as to why we don't have them at our house). My hubby doesn't mind them visiting for awhile but I don't know how to break it to my sister what she already knows (the mom crap) and that she needs to lay it on the line to her new husband that our relationship with our mother is crap and he needs to grow some balls and stand up to her (mom) and say "no" when she wants to come to stay at their house. Instead he has said (as stated previously) that he'd like us to share the responsibility and put them up at our house (he's mentioned that he mean's when we buy our own house (shortly) but acts as if he means immenently.

It's a very tough dynamic dealing with a parent that is mentally ill. My whole problem now is that my sister, husband and I have been dealing with it for many years now and now her husband is a newcomer and is basically ignorant to it all. Since my sister's relationship is fairly young with her husband, we (hubby and I) don't know how to approach sensitive topics like this in such a way as to not damage our (longstanding) relationship with my sister or the new relationship with her husband.

So, after all that, how do you deal with a new family member that you like but is bullheaded and you need to stand up to? How do you tactfully say "dude, you don't know the half of it!". Or do you do nothing and wait for the person to meld into the family over time? My hubby will give our new BIL shit while, say, on the golfcourse, but doesn't know how to approach serious issues with him. I'm thinking that alot of the problem is that hubby and I got together so young and have been together so long that our family dymanics are rusty and we now are dealing with a new issue that were not familiar with. I really don't know what kind of advice I'm asking for, maybe just imput from others who have been in a similar situation. We both love our new BIL and want to start what is hopefully a life-long relationship off on the right foot, but don't know how to address these weird pressure point topics. Thanks to anyone who read all that and has any imput!

Ali

__________________
'Beware the Jabberwock, my son! The jaws that bite, the claws that catch! Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun, The frumious Bandersnatch!'--Jabberwocky, Lewis Carroll

"You cannot do a kindness too soon because you never know how soon it will be too late."--Ralph Waldo Emerson

shakran

That was pretty convoluted, but here's what I got from it:

1) your mom is mentally ill and is unpleasant to be around.
2) your SISTER, not your BIL asked you when you were going to have your mom and dad over.
3) You blamed your BIL, even though you never actually heard him say anything about it.



So far, it's your sister that said it, not your BIL. And IMHO it was an innocent question no matter who said it. Seems to me like you're making a pretty big deal out of a pretty small one - let it go. You'll be much happier than if you spend your whole life worrying about things like this.

pinkie

I'd bet the bank that my mother is worse.

cj22009

Ali to be honest with you I think you just need to tell your sis and BIL strait up trust me they will get over it sooner or later IMO

exizldelfuego

Well, the only one reasonably unfamiliar with the strained relationship with the mother of the daughters is the BIL. Ali, I'd suggest your husband have a talk with your sister's husband to try and explain the family dynamics. After all, you and your sister have been on the inside all along. Your husband is the only one out of you three who has been "indoctrinated." It only makes sense that he could share with you BIL his experiences, as they're both sons-in-law to the mother.

alicat

Thanks to all of you who took the time to read my post and comment.

Shakran: As I said in the post, it was my sis asking for my BIL why we haven't had my mom and step-dad to our house. It wasn't supposition, I should have said he was sitting right there when she said it. It's not an "end-of-the-world" type situation, just an uncomfortable one that is new to us and that we don't quite know how to deal with. I'm not going to spend my "whole life" worrying about it and I can easily "let it go". I was hoping for some constructive advice as to how to diplomatically approach and deal with the situation without causing strife between the two couples.

Pinkie: We would have an argument for the ages trying to debate that one!

cj22009 and exizdelfuego: Both of you gave good advice in that we should just be honest and straightforward. Our problem is that we (hubby and I) are both non-confrontational and my sis and her new hubby are both pretty bull-headed, opinionated and overly sure of themselves (not in a really bad way, if that makes sense, more in a immature, youthful, cocky way). They have no compunction about saying anything whereas hubby and I go out of our way to never make waves about 95% of the time.

I guess there's no easy way to deal with this situation. My sis is 5 yrs. younger than me and yet acts/treats me like she's the elder. Given our difficult lives growing up with our mother, we both thankfully turned out fairly well adjusted but completely different. I love my sis but hubby and I are like sheep to their wolves (her and her hubby). It's all very frustrating.

Is there such a thing as sibling couples counseling?!

Ali

__________________
'Beware the Jabberwock, my son! The jaws that bite, the claws that catch! Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun, The frumious Bandersnatch!'--Jabberwocky, Lewis Carroll

"You cannot do a kindness too soon because you never know how soon it will be too late."--Ralph Waldo Emerson

Zoz

The best thing to do in a situation where everything seems convoluted and contradictions appear is to check your premises.

You must decide what is more important and setup priorities in your life. Often people feel uncomfortable because they know what is 'Right' but don't have the courage to do it.

Often people feel uncomfortable because they don't want to do what is 'Right' even if they know it to be so.

On a scale of 1 to 10 you should rate your priorities (Sibling relationship, Honestly, Parental support, Stability of mind. etc...) You'll find answers come a lot easier.

bberryt2

Seems to me you have explained it to us in this forum pretty well. What comes to my mind is print out your post and all the replys. Place them in an envelope. Go over to your sisters home and give them a nice bottle of wine and the envelope. Instruct them to drink the wine, read the contents of the envelope, wait 24 hours to think about what you wrote, and then come to your place or all of you go out to dinner and talk about it.

Sometimes writing down what you want to say is easier when the other party doesn't listen very well.

Good luck.

jadedt

Once we all realize that EVERY family is "disfunctional", we will all live happier lives. Family and friends dictate who we are and how the interaction between us and them work out is how we mature and move forward in life.

william

Alicat: I feel for you. It sucks being w/a messed up parent. We all know it may happen, but who wants it to happen? You and hubby are not confrontational - deal w/that and tell your sis and BIL to deal w/it. You don't have the space for it. I know - it sounds cold. But you need to keep the interests of your mother at heart. She wouldn't be comfortable w/you; you wouldn't be comfortable w/her.
Another option - have you considered your mother moving to an apartment or assisted-living? Serious option, but one to consider.

Squishor

I too am a non-confrontational person with an overbearing younger sister, and the best advice I can give you is to try talking to her anyway. It doesn't have to be confrontational in nature when you talk to her. Being yourself, you can probably find a way to approach it tactfully, right? I'd say just keep it simple, be nice, but say what you have to because otherwise you will just build resentments and when you've already got twisted family dynamics that can kill your relationship. And you and your sister don't need that on top of the other challenges you've alraedy had to deal with.

After the death of my own (also somewhat screwed up but lovable) mother, I was faced with the fact that my sister was the only relative I had left. Out of respect for both myself and her, as well as for my mother, I started trying to be more direct with her in an effort to open up our relationship. I was surprised to find that she both understands me and respects me for who I am, far more than I ever realized. Not only that, but she actually looks up to me, like little sisters are supposed to. I never would have known this if we hadn't started talking more honestly, and now I feel more free to just say how I am feeling, which is a weight off my shoulders. I have been able to start feeling better about myself when I stand up to her, and she still loves me anyway because she's my sister. I don't know how much of this applies to you but I hope it helps.