alicat

O'kay, this is so convoluted I can only hope you guys can stay with me because I'm at a complete loss and would really welcome any advice. If you don't want to read a very long and probably confusing post, then don't. I'm sure that plenty of you won't think this is worthy of your time, but when it comes to serious issues, I'm sorry, I don't know how to condense it. Post's that just say "Wha?" arent needed or wanted. This is serious to me and if someone doesn't have anything constructive to say, then please, say nothing at all. Thank you.

My Mother is Bi-polar, but only mildly so. Most of the problem with her is that she refuses to grow up and take any kind of responsibility for herself and has never done so at the age of 52. She is a Hypochondriac to the Nth. degree, not because she is legitamately sick (she has some minor health problems), but because she relishes in attention, whether postive or negitive. Please, no yelling at me about not understanding mental illness, in my 33 yrs. of living with her, I've edjucated myself plenty, trust me, she's an individual case. I could literally write a book about her, and maybe I will some day.

Hubby and i have been together for nearly 16 yrs. since we were both 17. He's been witness to a lot of the crap my mother has pulled in the intervening yrs.. I could go on and on but you would all fall asleep reading about it. My parents divorced when I was 18. My sister is 5 yrs. younger than me and decided to stay with my dad when the divorce happened, which was a good thing since he was the more responsible parent. I was 18 and moved out to live with my BF (now Hubby of 11 yrs.).

Fast forward to now. I love my new BIL (Brother-in-law) except for the fact that he is extremely opinionated. For example, Hubby and I are huge Red Wings fans and have been so for over a decade (OK, me=decade +, hubby=all his concious life). He (BIL) never watched hockey untl a couple of yrs. ago when he joined our family, and makes comments about it as if he's been watching it (specifically the Red Wings) his whole life. I know that's piddly stuff, but that is an example leading up to the gist of my problem now...

A week ago, hubby and I went to a play with my sister and her new hubby. Before we left their house, she said ""My hubby" wants to know when you are going to have mom and (her hubby, our step-dad) stay at your house?". My hubby said "Never, if I can help it, I didn't invite them out in the first place!", (we're all on the opposite side of the state than my mom). It's worth noting that they have a largish middle-class house with a huge livingroom and three extra bedrooms. The house we rent is small and the second bedroom is basically our pantry/storage room. Yes, it has a Twin bed but what good does that do for two adults?! They have had my mom and step-dad out 3 times this year, but they invited them everytime. I should say, hubby and I have struggled finacially for 16 yrs. and my sis married someone 3 yrs. younger than herself who had some lucky breaks career wise (family worked in the business), and they were able to buy a house before they married. We don't own our house, we rent, and therefore it's small (like a lot of rentals) and doesn't really accomodate guests. I'm not jealous, just a bit envious. My hubby has lived through years and years of crap from my mom, and has a very short fuse when it comes to dealing with her. My new BIL has only been around for about 3 years now.

So, my hubby has been there, done that, for nearly 16 yrs. now, whereas my new BIL is a newcomer and doesn't understand all the dynamics invovled. I love my sister and don't want to cause any bad blood right off the bat with her new husband. My sis and BIL invited my mother and step-dad out for this coming weekend (see above as to why we don't have them at our house). My hubby doesn't mind them visiting for awhile but I don't know how to break it to my sister what she already knows (the mom crap) and that she needs to lay it on the line to her new husband that our relationship with our mother is crap and he needs to grow some balls and stand up to her (mom) and say "no" when she wants to come to stay at their house. Instead he has said (as stated previously) that he'd like us to share the responsibility and put them up at our house (he's mentioned that he mean's when we buy our own house (shortly) but acts as if he means immenently.

It's a very tough dynamic dealing with a parent that is mentally ill. My whole problem now is that my sister, husband and I have been dealing with it for many years now and now her husband is a newcomer and is basically ignorant to it all. Since my sister's relationship is fairly young with her husband, we (hubby and I) don't know how to approach sensitive topics like this in such a way as to not damage our (longstanding) relationship with my sister or the new relationship with her husband.

So, after all that, how do you deal with a new family member that you like but is bullheaded and you need to stand up to? How do you tactfully say "dude, you don't know the half of it!". Or do you do nothing and wait for the person to meld into the family over time? My hubby will give our new BIL shit while, say, on the golfcourse, but doesn't know how to approach serious issues with him. I'm thinking that alot of the problem is that hubby and I got together so young and have been together so long that our family dymanics are rusty and we now are dealing with a new issue that were not familiar with. I really don't know what kind of advice I'm asking for, maybe just imput from others who have been in a similar situation. We both love our new BIL and want to start what is hopefully a life-long relationship off on the right foot, but don't know how to address these weird pressure point topics. Thanks to anyone who read all that and has any imput!

Ali

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