Spritebox

(conversations are edited for the sake of time. Only the highlights are included.)

Here are some examples:

Me: "So, how about dinner tonight?"
Her: "Okay. Is 7 good?"
Me: "Sure thing. I'll pick you up at 6:45."

At 6, I get a call from her.

Me: "Hey. We still on for dinner?"
Her: "No. My dad said he's bringing food home. He doesn't want me to go out."


Example 2:

Me: "How about a movie tonight?"
Her: "Let me ask my parents. (hold) Okay. They said I could."
Me: "Okay. Pick you up at 9."

I get a call around 8.

Her: "I haven't seen my mom all day. I'm going to see her tonight. We'll go to a movie some other time."


Bleh. Everytime I try to talk to her about it she gets very defensive. It's a brick wall. I asked her where she sees herself in two years (we're both 18). She said she sees herself in NYC with me, going to college. I ask her if she'd fly home every weekend to see her parents if they asked her to. She got defensive and said something about loving her parents and something about how my mother and I don't have a good relationship.

Bleh X2.

She says, "I'm only 18" as though it should be a reason for her to be so attached to her parents. I don't understand at all. In her mind, no matter what her parents' request, it's never too unreasonable for her to obey.


I need advice like a mofo.

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maleficent

We had a thread about complaining about your own parents, where the simple truth is . their house, their rules. In this case it's her parents house, her parents rules, she's abiding by those rules.

Have you met her parents? Spent any time with them? Do they like you? Maybe if they got to know you, they wouldn't take her time away from you.

If she gets defensive when you talk to her about it, try changing your approach. Tell her how you feel when your plans get changed and ask her to honor her commitments to your time.

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Spritebox

Yes. I met her parents a week after we met. We've been dating for nearly a year. I see them everytime I go to pick her up (not her mom so much, as her parents are recently divored). I get along with her mom. Her dad and I get along alright. He's moody.

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KrazyKracka

Is she an only child?

maleficent

What kind of relationship do you have with your parents?

Her relationship with her parents is clearly quite different than yours. Doesn't make her right or wrong. She's also young, some people mature at a different rate than others do, especially if they don't have to mature so quickly.

Unless you can talk to her without accusing her of doing something wrong, where she'll get defensive, then you really have two choices, live with it the way she is, and decide that her good qualities make up for this, or move on from her. Changing people rarely happens.

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Rdr4evr

Holy hell that would piss me off. I understand though since she is only 18 that her parents might be a little more protective of her. I sure as hell wouldn't let my daughter go out with boys till she is 30 . How old r u?

Spritebox

In response to KrazyKracka, she is the oldest child. Her sister is two years younger. Her sister gets to stay out later, and gets to go out with her boyfriend no questions asked.
In response to maleficent, My father past away when I was 7 (parents had divorced when I was too young to remember). I don't have a good relationship with my mother. I haven't since I was 10. We speak, but not about important things. The issues are mostly things like my bank account, my grades, and her telling me to do stuff around the house. To be honest, I don't feel comfortable talking to her about important things.
In response to Rdr4evr, I'm 18 as well.

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amonkie

Have you tried spending time with her and her family? If her relationship with you is important enough to her that she's envisioning being with you in two years, strike a compromise. Plan a date that consists of making dinner and dessert, and then showing off the meal to her parent(s). If something like that isn't an option, you need to sit down and tell her how you FEEL, not that the choices she's making concerning your relationship are good or bad - that's the quickest way to get someone on the defensive.

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Dane Bramage

That's just the way some people are, and there ain't a damned thing you can do about it.

I had very similar issues with a buddy of mine. He would come into town for 2 weeks during the holidays, and all he could muster would be one night away from the family to hang out with friends. I don't understand it myself. Like you, I don't have great relationships with my parents so spending that much time with them would just drive me crazy. It's just a different family life.

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Willravel

I think it was a bit of a cheap shot to say something about your relationship with your mother. Considering how she lashed out like that, there might be something else here. I would have been hurt by that. I mean I wouldn't ever take a shot at my wife or gf like that. I consider that to be an almost antoagonistic stance on the subject. You asked her if she'd fly home. She said something about your less than perfect relationship with your mom. She almost seems like a parental relationship eleitist.
I say weigh your options. I mean if you love her, it might be worth it to bear the parent thing for a little while longer. Yea, it'll be annoying, but all you can do is tell her that it bothers you. She can either accept that it bothers you and try to tone it down a bit, or ignore you and let it continue.
Best of luck.

lurkette

I'm gonna pick up on what Maleficent said in her first post. The issue as I see it is not necessarily that she's too attached to her parents (which doesn't really seem to be the case for someone her age about to leave the nest - she just seems to want to spend time with them and respect their wishes), but that she changes plans on you at the last minute. That's not okay, and you should probably be addressing that, which is the concrete problem, instead of picking at how much she likes or doesn't like her parents. It sounds like you don't feel valued because you get shoved down the priority list when her parents express their wishes. That's what she needs to understand. Also, you don't have to love her parents, but if you're serious about this girl you ought to at least make an effort to like them and spend time with them, given how much she loves them.

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Spritebox

Spending time with her parents is a rather difficult thing. They barely speak english.

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Spritebox

It just happend again. That's twice today. First it was lunch, now it's the movie (I know. I should probably throw some more variety in for our dates).

The movie started at 5:20. It's now 5:20. She called me about an hour ago and told me she was with her dad and sister. I asked what she was doing. She said "Oh, just driving around". I told her to call me when she got back.

She hasn't called me since.


bleh

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Rdr4evr

Man I feel for you, you have a lot of patience. I don’t want to be a pessimist here, but is it possible maybe she is seeing or is interested in another guy? If that is not the case, maybe she is just having mixed feelings for you. If I am wrong on both those cases and this is a girl you truly want to spend a long time with, than tough it out and discuss the issue seriously.

analog

1. She's trying to break up with you, or get you to do it for her.
2. She's cheating on you.
3. She's got commitment issues, fear of rejection, possibly poor self-image.
4. She's just an immature little girl who can't handle a relationship.
5. Her parents 'cut the cord' long ago- she has since duct-taped it back together.


Pick one. It's one of those. 1, 2, 4, and 5 are "turn and walk away" offenses. If you really care a lot about her, and think maybe it's #3, then address the problem. Otherwise, well.... you have your options, in my opinion.

Rlyss

I'm with Maleficent, lurkette and analog. I don't think she's cheating on you, but it sounds like she doesn't want to get out of her comfort zone. I don't think anybody reading this thread believes she's going to be heading up to New York with you in a few years' time.

She isn't leaving her comfort zone, and her parents aren't the ones holding her back. I can't imagine a situation where her parents wouldn't let her go out, and instead would just go on a family cruise at night. That sounds way beyond odd to me. If her parents won't let her go out then she'll be sitting in front of the TV on a Friday night being grumpy, not driving around town.

Maybe I'm too cynical.

If you want to give it another chance, tell her that you want to have dinner with her parents (perhaps just her mum, since they're divorced). Plan a nice dinner at a nice place with her mum, her sister, and her, and you can all go out. See how they all react to that. I don't believe they'll go for it, but if you ask them you might get an idea about who's really holding your girlfriend at home. If they don't want to go to dinner then they might be holding her back, but if they say yes and want to go, then it's most likely your girlfriend who doesn't want to leave the nest.

william

You're only seeing her, not married, right? Family comes first is a mantra I believe in - but you need to ask her wtf. You're getting older, hoping to make a life of your own, w/your own family. Does she honestly see you two together or not? Maybe this is just an excuse to politely bow out until you realize she doesn't want to go that far.

Tophat665

Advice? If you really like the girl, get to like her parents.

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DDDDave

You want her to choose between you and her parents.

You already know what the result will be to that course of action.


Good Luck. Take it slow.

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maleficent

You said her parents don't speak much English -- Is this a cultural thing for her? It mght be perfectly normal and natural for her to put her family first --

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ratbastid

Exactly what I was thinking.

What's her ethnic background? Is she of Asian descent by any chance? Asian cultures tend to be very strongly family-oriented. This is especially true in 1st generation immigrant families, where there may not be much social contact outside the family.

One way or another, you've got to deal with this. It'll leave you miserable otherwise. Don't attack her about her relationship with her family, though. As the adult child of normal parents, I can tell you for certain that you come from a biased place when it comes to parent-child relationships. The issue here is all the ditching she does, the last minute cancellations, all that stuff.

gondath

I would say don't question the nature of her relationship with her parents. There is no right or wrong way to relate to family unless it's blatantly destructive. Just address the issue of her bailing on your plans all the time. I'm curious too what culture she is from. Only certain cultures value a rampant independent streak, as some of the responses here reveal. Just have a talk with her and discuss your concerns without making demands or attacking her or her family.

maleficent

Something else I'm noticing about your first post -- all your plans wiht her seem to be last minute-- like you are making dates with her the day of...

What about asking her earlier (like 2 days) for the date on Friday -- (I know this is a Rules thing, which I think is mostly silly - but it's respectful - and that may be part of the problem -- either she or her parents aren't seeing you as being respectful of her)

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The Phenomenon

Lemme see:

I pretty much agree with analog on this one. Some of the other posters just seem to try to dig up a handy set of excuses for her.

After a year's serious romantic relationship I would not be happy if I was not above her family on the list of priorities. She would be on mine. After a significant amount of time, I am either superimportant and loved, or I dunno wtf is going on. This is not the kind of behaviour you want after you married either.

The way she is acting is BS though, no matter what her excuse is, or cultural reasons or whatever. She IS making a date with you, and then cancelling at the last minute. That is perfectly OK, ONCE IN A WHILE, but when that turns into the rule, and not the exception, you have a problem. No matter what her excuse, it seems to me that a handfull of shit is making its way towards the fan.

Confront her head on. Tell her how you feel. Tell her you are not happy with how things are going now. Tell her that if she makes a date with you, you want her to show up, and not to cancel at the very last moment, unless she has a damn good reason. And daddy buying take out is not a damn good reason, its a shitty stupid reason, especially if it happens often. From the sound of things she is seeing her parents more than she is seeing you, so you must be WAY down on the list of important people for her to still not want to spend time with you.

Tell her that you have no problem with her spending time with her family at all, and that you'd even like to participate (which is pertty damn normal, why on earth can't she spend time with the whole lot of you every once in a while, you know, unless she does not want you around). But if you ask her out, and she says yes for a date and time, she should stick to it unless its an emergency or REALLY REALLY special unexpected occasion. If she can't commit to sticking to the dates she makes with you, should tell you no when you ask her. And if she says no to all the dates you want to take her on, the relationship is over, and then she can marry her dad for all you care. Make sure that she understands that if you don't get to spend time with her pretty soon, and not all of it has to be alone time -- but some alone time is necessary, that you ARE going to break up with her, since it seems like she is not interested in a relationship with you, and clearly does not love you.

At this point where you are at, I'd tell her -- being the all knowing sarcastic all-things-relationshipy expert that I am -- to call me when she wants to spend time with me, and if I do not hear from her, and go on a date with her within 7 days or so, that this relationship is officially over, and that I will try my damndest to bone her best friend from then on.

WIMMIN!

SecretMethod70

I'm with analog and phenomenon (well, for the most part, I dunno if I'd tell her I'm gonna bone her best friend though )

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The Phenomenon

If you haven't noticed I was being sarcashtlishtic.

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SecretMethod70

heh, yeah, just thought I'd make it clear though - better to avoid confusion

Anyway, the point is, it sounds like she's not particularly mature enough or ready for a more committed relationship, and it's best to talk about it and find out if that's the case or not.

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Le temps détruit tout

"Musicians are the carriers and communicators of spirit in the most immediate sense." - Kurt Elling

Schwan

Everything that lurkette said. Plus this: a relationship is all about compromises. You make a compromise to understand that she likes to spend quality time with her mom. She make a compromise to respect your time, and not to screw around with your schedule, parent or not. It's all about commitment, and it doesn't seem like she wants to commit. Unless there is a ton of love towards her on your behalf, and you have enough strengh to ignore this, you need to talk to her, and negotiate (yes, like in business negotiations) the proper rules that your relationship is going to be governed by. So far, she's calling all the shots, it seems.

The Phenomenon

How strong do you have to be to ignore that you your girlfriend is ignoring you?

__________________
Do not confuse altruism with kindness, good will or respect for the rights of others. These are not primaries, but consequences, which, in fact, altruism makes impossible. The irreducible primary of altruism, the basic absolute, is self-sacrifice - which means: self-immolation, self-abnegation, self-denial, self-destruction - which means: the self as a standard of evil, the selfless as a standard of the good.

iamnormal

Get a 2nd girlfriend to go out with when the other is bizzy

pattycakes

my girlfriend is a mofo...lol

ilived with her and her parents for about a year..... but her mom just got so damned annoying that i had to move out i asked her if she wanted to live with me. she said no, because she dosent have to pay for anything at her house. Then she expects me to come over and see her all the time. (she just turned 20 today, and she is in college)

i told her that it was against the rules for me to go to her house, because she never comes to mine..... she didnt / dosent like it at all...but meh what r you going to do.

i care about her but im not going to give her more than she is willing to give me.

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