punkgrl1984

I don't know if this is where I should put this.Ok I am doing a reserch paper on the effects of a divorce on children. I am a child of a divorce and I was wondering if anyone had anything they wanted to tell me. Some examples are I find myself not believing that anyone would truly care about me in a loving realtionship because I don't think my parents cared for each other. Or I think my closest friends all seem to be the ones whose parents have also gone through a divorce. If anyone would like to comment I would truly appreciate it.

lurkette

I think what had more impact on my development was not my parents' divorce (which happened when I was, say, 4) but their horrible relationship with each other once they remarried (when I was 6) and stayed together unhappily for the rest of my childhood - they divorced again when I was 19. It's hard to say "what if" and speculate on how things would have been different if they had just stayed divorce - neither of them was terribly emotionally stable, so it's not like growing up in a chaotic single-parent household would have been much better than growing up in a chaotic household with married parents who don't get along. But I wonder if divorce itself is the functional variable here, or if it's the quality of the parents' relationship? I guess what I'm wondering is whether a child of divorced parents who got along just fine and provided a stable and nurturing environment would do just as well as a child with married parents who got along; while a kid who went through a nasty divorce would be similar to a kid who grew up in with married parents who fought all the time?

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ShaniFaye

As a child of parents who fought all the time I used to pray every nite my parents would get divorced....When I was a teenager I got in more trouble for asking each of them why they let the other talk to them the way they did. A big part of the reason I moved out the day after I graduated high school was to get away from the fighting and the arguing....I knew the loved ME but they sure didnt seem to love each other. I think it helped me more than anything else to know what I DIDNT want in a relationship.

Its funny when me and my sister left home and it was just them....they started getting along and get along better NOW than ever...they never did divorce.

now MY daughter....when I told her that her daddy and I were getting divorced (after being "seperated, but living in the same house for 4 years, and knowing that each of us had another person in our lives) her ONLY concern was that I was going to make her call Dave "daddy"....which I assured her would never happen. She told me she understood that mommy and daddy were still friends (which we are) and that she was glad about that cause most of the "divorced" people she knew fought all the time. I havent seen that its had any negative affects on her...and I do make sure to talk to her about it every now and then, to make sure that nothing has come up that she has a problem dealing with or understanding.

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viejo gringo

The WORST thing you can do is stay married "for the kids sake"..

Those kids are smarter than that...even the little ones..they know when
you are happy and when you are not..

The most shocking thing my 16 year old daughter did was put her arms
around my neck and say "dad, why don't you just go out and find yourself
a good woman---even if it is just for the night"....little did I know that she
new how alone I felt...that breakup was the best thing that ever happened
to me....a few months later I found real happyness...32 years later and still here.

moonstrucksoul

well, my folks got divorced when I was three, they had planned on getting divorced sooner, but I happened to them, (what a great thing to tell your kid). All of my friends have come from families that are still together. But all of my emotional relationship problems come from being physically and emotionally abused by my Mother as a child. thus creating the deep trust and self esteem issues I still battle today.

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Meier_Link

I think the only ill effect my parents getting divorced had on me was my not being able to completely trust someone else. I mean I can for the most parts, but I have my doubts, which I guess could be a good thing.

I did, however, get away with a lot of shit when I was a kid as a result of it.... I don't think I ever got in real trouble as a teenager, when ever one parent would decide to take action, I'd just move in with the other one.

Blonddie

My parents divorced when I was 2, but it was never bad. The divorce was amicable and to this day they are still friends. ( Let me tell you what a difference it makes for kids!) My dad remarried and my stepmom and mom are good friends too. The only problem I can think of is the occasional akwardness when they are all together and I have 2 'moms' to call. So then we joke about it and I just call them Mom J and Mom A.

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roboshark

It's impossible to speculate on how different my life would have been had my parents stayed together instead of getting divorced when I was 4. I'm an apathetic, cold-hearted, apprehensive, insecure person. But I can't just blame that on my parents' divorce; maybe I would have been just as bad had they stayed happily married. Maybe my fears and anxieties are just the way I am regardless of my parents or my upbringing.

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punkgrl1984

thank you all! One thing I noticed in all you guys' cases was that your parents split when you were very young. I was 12 and it shook me a lot harded than my younger sister. Do you think that the older you are the more it affects you?

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lurkette

I think it totally depends on the individual kids how hard it's going to impact them. I was already out of the house, so it wasn't any big deal, and my sister was 16, and she didn't really care. 'Bout damn time, in her opinion. My brother, however, was 13 and he took it REALLY hard. My dad moved away and hardly saw my brother, and he (brother) blamed my mom for basically driving him away. It was a major cause of argument between them (despite the fact that my dad could have spent more time with him if he'd chosen - that wasn't the kind of dad he was when he was around, don't know why my brother thought that would change!).

I don't know that age is a real factor, though. It probably depends on the kind of relationship your parents have, and the kind of relationship you have with each of your parents at the time and after. If you're 6 and you grow up thinking the divorce was your fault, I can see how that would be a lot worse than being 12 and knowing that it sucks but not really internalizing it.

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onetime2

I am a child of divorce but my experience is a bit different than most I think. Up until I was about 4 we were a fairly typical family (albeit with some twists and turns not present in most families). When I was about 5 my mother started working and going back to school. My father was a truck driver who delivered meat in NYC and we lived in NJ. He had a habit of being out late and being away for days at a time. As my mother worked and went to school and my dad carried on his own life pretty much, my oldest sister (7 years older than me) took on more responsibility for me and my other sister (5 years older than me).

My parents argued a fair amount and there was a good amount of bad blood between them when they divorced around when I was 10. They continued to live together because the divorce gave my mother about 60% of the house and my father 40% with them not wanting to sell the house to split the money at the time. So, my father slept on the couch for many years with occassional reconciliations between the two.

At one point my mom kicked him out and he rented half a house on a lake nearby. I only recall visiting him there once and we did a little fishing. There were always fights between the two of them from the time I was 10 to 15 with occasional short periods of them getting along. My father died of a heart attack when I was 15 and he was still living with us at the time.

It was really a bizarre situation because I knew how much animosity my mom had developed over the years.

As far as what it did to me, I guess it made me very independent, introspectful, and self confident. When I was younger I was rather shy. At some point in all of it I began to really take stock in myself and compare my situation(s) with others and came to the conclusion that I adapt very well, analyze situations and people with very high accuracy, and have a better idea of how things rate in terms of being "good" or "bad".

Relationship wise it made me not overly excited about marriage. To me a marriage is just a piece of paper and I don't need a piece of paper and some legal status to be committed to someone. Of course that was a bit of a hiccup in my current relationship because my fiancee (who I've been dating for 7 years) was very marriage minded. My beliefs led me to delay proposing which really strained our relationship. Now, I've realized that I want to be married and I want that piece of paper. Not just for me but for her and our future children.

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Beefimator

My old man bailed on my mom and four older sisters when I was two. Most of my friends come from broken families. Nothing too bad came out of if for any of us. I did however learn to move on from things real quick. And become somewhat unphased by things that some people would struggle to get over.

guthmund

I think there is a magic age in between too young and too old where it affects you the most.

Too young and they don't seem to remember it. Too old and they just don't seem to care.

I was 10 when my parents got divorced. I remember the screaming matches, the shit flying thorugh the air and the animosity that seemed to hang in the air. Sometimes it was so palpable you could feel it pressing into you.

Personally, I wasn't affected much by the screaming even when they used to drag me and my sister from bed to affirm some claim; like they were keeping score. No, I think what affected me most was the relationship afterwards.

My father was a bitter, bitter man after the divorce. He didn't have any money (It's not like Mom took it all, there just wasn't much anyway). It never seemed to take much for my old man to flip out. I was always my mother's son (that was always an easy topic to fight about) and when they divorced I think he transferred a lot of that animosity to me.

Later on Dad found a gal, was promoted and started making more money and that seemed to make him happier. Mom on the other hand, thorugh a series of remarkably lazy men, settled on the laziest of the bunch who proceeded to bleed the family dry both mentally and more important financially. My father refused to give any extra money and paid as little child support as he could get away with because he refused to support my lazy ass step-father. What Dad didn't realize was that it didn't work. He found ways to support his lifestyle and in the end, it was my sister and I who ended up suffering.

For a long long time I was very angry. At everybody. Thankfully I've managed to let go of most of the anger and have mangaged to have a psuedo-relationship with my father. I think he's changed a lot in the last decade mostly for the better. Too bad the impression had already been made.

I'm reticent to get into any serious relationship. I have a hard time trusting anybody implicitly and always always keep a few of my cards close to my vest. For me marriage is just a slip of paper that signifies nothing and I just can't see myself getting married to anyone. I've loved a lot of women, even lived with a few, but I just can't see myself being put in that position.

Someday I would like to have kids, but my biggest fear would be the possibility of putting my kids what I went through. It just doesn't seem worth it to me.

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Ninjasideshow

Personally I found that I came into adulthood having very little faith of the institution of marriage. I think that it helped me question the mores of society a bit more then most people, and although I am married now I made sure that I knew both what I was getting into and what I wanted to get out of a marriage. as opposed to doing it because "it's what you should do."

Make sense?

anleja

if you are still interested in people's stories... you started this more than a week ago...

My parents were divorced when I was 11. I don't know why. Everything was good, but suddenly I'd see the aftermath of night-fights (holes in walls, etc.), and they were split officially soon after.

With the exception of a few sour moments, they've been decent towards each other in the years since (I'm now 25).

My mom has now been married and divorced a total of 3 times and is now single. I used to think that I would not do the same, and when I got married in 2002, I felt it would last forever. Well, before our first anniversary things got screwed up, now we are working on a divorce. But thie thing is, sadly, I don't mourn the ending of the marriage any more than I would if we were just a boyfriend and girlfriend breaking up. Marriage has never really been shown to me as anything that can last, and I think that is reflected on my attitude towards it now.

I think if my parents were still together, I would have tried harder to make my own marriage work. Maybe. It certainly would not have made me try any less.

I now have a feeling that people who want to stay together should NOT get married. MAybe I'm just bitter, but... that's how I feel.

KrazyKracka

My parents divorced when I was 7, due to an infidelity issue. To this day, I still don't know what they went through, but I do know my mother was very bitter. I accepted the fact that they were splitting up, and went about life as I could. I will say this though: My mother made it hell for my father. She told us he was evil, he didn't care about us, and this and that, and made it very difficult to see us and when he did, just found something to make life difficult over. Today, I don't have any problems with marriage, I just feel you'll find the right one eventually. The only thing I have issues with is whom do I believe? I used to hear only mom's side of it, everything she told me. I never learned my father's side. Although whenever he would visit, he was never mean or abusive towards any of us. He was rather kind. I haven't spoken to him in almost 7 years now, but I think I would like to hear what he has to say about it, mainly because I work with a divorced father, who pays child support, goes to work every day, and his ex (who cheated on him and ran away with his children) refuses to allow him to see his kids. I heard his story, how he misses his children, wishes he could see them, but has practically given up because of his ex's malicious ways, and now I wonder if my father says the same things about us. Hence the issue of whom do I believe? Sorry if I strayed from my point but I thought I would open up a little bit . (I'm 25 now btw)

tecoyah

My parents divorced when I was 12, and I have lived with both at various times. I was torn between them, and knew not where to place my loyalties, as it seemed to my young mind I must. I have just spent Two days with my son from a marriage that ended in divorce. I had not seen him in over four years. I did not want to destroy his understanding of family by pulling him in two directions and thus relinquished all custody to his mother.
Our visit went wonderfully, and we created a beautiful connection. This is (in my opinion) due to the freedom he has had to form his own mindset, without the influence of divisive parents. Had we stayed together , I have no doubts he would have fared far worse, and developed an unhealthy understanding of love, and togetherness.

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Schwan

My parents divorce happened slowly. There were many arguments, fights and so on. What I do remember themost is the irrational feeling of guilt that it was my fault. Well, Dad didn't help much when after one of his feuds with Mom he asked me "see what you've done?" So there. I'm 21 now, nearing on 22. It's been over ten years since they finally sepaprated, though they kept fighting.

My Dad died three years ago. My Mom's doing well and has pursued sever relationships with other men. As for me, I've been battling insecurity and shyness that crippled any social abilities during my high school. For example, I stopped washing myself at a certain point, purely because I felt so powerless towards other people. Hell if I know why, but I did. I became badly overweight. All of this eased when I entered university and started studying sociology. I've lost all my extra weight, battled shyness and only now, after four years of intensive internal renovation I'm starting to be able to live in the society. I'm still incredibly short-tempered though, and very suspicious when it comes to other people's intentions. The reason for all this? Parent's divorce.

raven12

My parents divorced when i was younger. I couldnt stand all the fighting like many of you and the worst part of it was they kept living together. I didnt understand why they didnt just leave each other because it was effecting how their kids were living. They would try to get my brother, my sister or me on "their side". It's hard enough for a kid to go through a divorce but even harded when they are making it seem like they can only have 1 parent. The worst thing a parent can do in a divorce is bring their children into it.

inharmony

Being on the other end of this divorce issue...I am currently going through a divorce and struggled for a very long time whether or not to 'stay for the kids'. After reading several of your stories, I think I have made the right decision. Not that it is going to be easy for my kids, it is definitely going to be a healthier environment for them to live. I grew up in a 'stable' household where my parents to this day are still together, however, my mother is not a happy person. I believed I should stick this out and not fail my marriage or my family. I am the one, however, who has been sacrificing happiness and it finally took its toll. It is truly a tough issue to address. Thanks for sharing.

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frozenstellar

my folks divorced when i was 11. pretty tough stuff - she kicked dad out, i didnt see my dad for 3months, and at the time, i was his shadow. for well over a year, i was fed bullshit about each parents from the other - i didnt know what to believe. i still dont on some things that i was told all that time ago. mum entered into a lesbian relationship, and has ever been with the same lady ever since.


me and my older brother both have trust issues when it comes to relationships because of this, altough i'm working on it, he's just trying to ignore it, which isnt working.

until about 8months ago, when i was first introduced to my gf's parents, did i see what a loving marriage can do for young children. since ive seen what it can be, and compare it to what my parents had, its nothing like that. for their dad to come home and be happy to see him - rather than run and hide like we used to was strange.. i remember thinking to myself 'that aint right'... but sure enough, thats what it is, and thats what hopefully one day i can pull off myself.

KrazyKracka

That's exactly what happened with me. Exactly how I feel too.....

Sp0rAdiC

My parents divorced when I was too young to remember. I think I was 3... It never really affected me negatively I don't think. One thing I have noticed is that I value my time with my dad much more, because I grew up only getting to see him every other weekend, and now that I'm older I get to see him a lot more. I have two stepbrothers with on my mom's side, and my mom got remarried when I was like 5, and I have never had any issues with my stepfather, because like the divorce, I think I was just so young that I just accepted it and didn't really care too much.

The Phenomenon

My parents are divorced.

As long as both parents still love their children and show interest in them I don't think there is any problem or anything to whine about.

Children with divorced parents are better off that way -- and they have no right to whine. Its just really not that bad. PLEASE get over it already.