Did I do the right thing? What would you have done? - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

sillygirl · 10-13-2003, 05:12 PM

So, my best friend of nine years got married Friday. Aaaaand, I'm not so sure it was the best thing for her.

Well, I set (I'll just choose names...) Suzie and Brandon up. They hit it off, and I was happy for them. Until I noticed things about their relationship that just weren't right.

Here's the kicker. She cheated on him at least twice before they got married. Once was the night he asked her if they could be exclusive. She and I went to a party, and she ended up with another guy all night. Then, a week later, she and I went to another party, and she ended up sleeping with yet another guy. But she wouldn't tell him. She said it would never come up. Said that she'd forget about it, so it didn't matter. That he didn't need to know. I tried talking to her, telling her that she can't look him in the eye and tell a bold-faced lie, that it was her responsibility to tell him. That if she didn't tell him now, he'd end up finding out eventually. She even disguised a hickey she got as a curling iron burn and put a bandaid over it. Poor sap believed her.

Well, enough people knew that "something" had happened at the party, and although they didn't know exactly what happened (except me and another guy), they knew he needed to know.

I talked to some guys about it, and asked for honest opinions. The response that I got from everyone was that he needed to know, and that I should tell him because I was closely involved in the situation. So I called him.

I told him the truth, he thanked me for calling.

I guess that my question to the guys is:

Would you rather be told, and have her end up being faithful the whole marriage, or not be told, and find out later on in the marriage when she gets drunk at a party without you and cheats again?

And girls: What would you have done?

Rodney · 10-13-2003, 05:20 PM

If you really believe she's doing him wrong, you should have told him -- BEFORE the marriage. Of course you risk your friendship, but if you truly believe he was getting screwed over, you should have told him.

But it sounds like you let them get married without telling him. From my point of view, if you let things go that far without telling him, you've already let the damage be done. But they are a couple _now_, and it's possible that they might make it. So telling him _now_ might just make the whole marriage even more likely to fail. Even if she straightens up, maybe he'll now feel he's "entitled" to screw around a little himself, because he's been wronged.

At any rate, you let it happen, and now it's reality. I don't think any good was served at this point by throwing a bomb into his trust. I would have just kept my mouth shut and hoped for the best. And maybe, if she started screwing around again and you knew, tell him about that.

sillygirl · 10-13-2003, 07:15 PM

I did talk to him before they got married. He thanked me for calling him and talking to him. She had talked to him about it after she hung up on me (the day I ended up calling him), but she had given him minute detail about the night, saying "I might have but I don't know...." even though she and I had talked about it the next morning and I had told her then that she needed to tell him.

She has screwed around on almost all her boyfriends. She has only known this guy for a total of 3 months now (I do realize that some people who get married that soon stay together and happy forever), and while he and I were talking, I found out that he really didn't know much of anything about her past.

Nimbletoe · 10-13-2003, 07:39 PM

You definitley did the right thing, congrats for being brave about it.

Johnny Rotten · 10-13-2003, 08:24 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by sillygirl
She has screwed around on almost all her boyfriends. She has only known this guy for a total of 3 months now (I do realize that some people who get married that soon stay together and happy forever), and while he and I were talking, I found out that he really didn't know much of anything about her past.

Ouch. Sounds like the relationship is doomed no matter what. For his sake, I hope it is. Yet I can't feel *too* sorry for the guy, since it sounds like he knows enough to know that he should have done a little digging before he made the commitment. Ignorance isn't always bliss.

Lebell · 10-13-2003, 11:06 PM

Yes,

I think you did the right thing in a very difficult situation. I would only suggest that maybe this person isn't the kind of person that you should be friends with.

Consider this: if she is willing to lie to the man she "loves" and is going to marry, what is she willing to do to you? (or is that 'different'?)

Anyway, best of luck to you.

Mephisto2 · 10-14-2003, 03:55 AM

I'm usually the one who posts unpopular opinions on threads like this, so why change now?

So, how exactly was it your business?

According to you, the female was your best friend, not the guy. So you not only betrayed her, but also probably planted a seed of doubt or mistrust in his mind, risked their marriage and also talked to others about the whole situation, behind both their backs.

Does this make you "feel better about yourself?" Do you feel you stand on the "high moral ground?"

What was the point? What benefit did it do to anyone?

All you've done is probably lost a friend, pissed off a friend's husband, put a marriage at risk, shown you are untrustworthy, shown you are a gossip, displayed bad taste and are the type to seek justification for your actions from complete strangers on the internet.

My wife cheated on me before we got married. I found out. It hurt (especially if you knew who it was with), but I got over it. We both love each other. So, would you have "helped out" in my situation?

I can't stand meddling busy bodies like you.

/rant off

There you go! Unpopular, and flame-worthy post.

Mr Mephisto

Loup · 10-14-2003, 04:01 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by sillygirl
I guess that my question to the guys is:

Would you rather be told, and have her end up being faithful the whole marriage, or not be told, and find out later on in the marriage when she gets drunk at a party without you and cheats again?

I would want to know once it would have happened. Better "late" than never I would also prefer rather than the possibility of it happening again as a wedded couple. I would have addressed the situation, talked to her and see if we both wanted to continue with the marriage plans.

Quote:

Originally posted by sillygirl
She has screwed around on almost all her boyfriends. She has only known this guy for a total of 3 months now ... and while he and I were talking, I found out that he really didn't know much of anything about her past.

Personally, this is way to quick of a realtionship to even think about getting married. True that some people find their true love easier than others ... but if he (they?) don't know too much of each others past, that doesn't look good.
Best of luck to you and your friendships.

Averett · 10-14-2003, 05:06 AM

I agree with Mr. Mephisto. Personally I would have not said anything. It just wouldn't be my place. It really is a fine line and either way you're most likely going to look like the bad guy. If you tell or if you don't tell and he finds out later that you knew.

Tricky situation...

G5_Todd · 10-14-2003, 05:09 AM

i'd want to know....

yournamehere · 10-14-2003, 06:47 AM

Cheating is not an event - it's a lifestyle.

I'd want to know, because it will happen again.

Dano069 · 10-14-2003, 09:26 AM

I'm not sure what I would have done. The other question is, do they have an open relationship? Maybe he's done the same thing? It is very murky ground but, if it didn't stop them from getting married, then don't sweat it.

sillygirl · 10-14-2003, 12:57 PM

Mr Mephisto: No, I did not feel better about myself. It was a difficult decision. I had to decide... do I not tell him and when he finds out later have him pissed at me that I didn't tell him when I had known all along, or do I tell him now and deal with the consequences as they may be. Judging from the fact that they A) still got married and B) He thanked me for calling, I feel that my decision was appreciated.

I'd thank you to not shit in my thread. I asked specific questions, looking for some helpful and constructive feedback. If you don't have that to give, please don't post.

absorbentishe · 10-14-2003, 01:08 PM

I don't know.... Yes you did the honest thing, but it was your friend that should have come clean. You jepordized your friendship, and she could have denied everything, and still can. Personally, I wouldn't have said a word, maybe just telling my friend what a louse he/she is for what they did and telling them they needed to come clean.

But if your friends husband really loves her, he may overlook a once/twice happening. Love is blind, but a cheater once, is always a cheater.

sillygirl · 10-14-2003, 01:20 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by absorbentishe
I don't know.... Yes you did the honest thing, but it was your friend that should have come clean. You jepordized your friendship, and she could have denied everything, and still can.

She told him before I did. But she told me she had no plans of telling him...

Mephisto2 · 10-14-2003, 01:51 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by yournamehere
Cheating is not an event - it's a lifestyle.

I'd want to know, because it will happen again.

If I understand what you're saying (ie, "once a cheat, always a cheat"), then you are talking out of your ass.

"It will happen?"

How about "It did happen, but now it's in the past?"

Let me guess. You've NEVER made a mistake in your life.

Mr Mephisto

Mephisto2 · 10-14-2003, 01:56 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by sillygirl
Mr Mephisto: No, I did not feel better about myself. It was a difficult decision. I had to decide... do I not tell him and when he finds out later have him pissed at me that I didn't tell him when I had known all along, or do I tell him now and deal with the consequences as they may be. Judging from the fact that they A) still got married and B) He thanked me for calling, I feel that my decision was appreciated.

Well, I still disagree. I think you meddled in someone else's business. My questions, in case you didn't realise, were rhetorical.

Quote:

I'd thank you to not shit in my thread. I asked specific questions, looking for some helpful and constructive feedback. If you don't have that to give, please don't post.

Now listen here Sillygirl. You posted a question to an open forum. You asked if you did the right thing. In my opinion you didn't. I replied to YOUR question. The minute you hit that SUBMIT button, it ceases to be your thread.

If you don't like the answer, don't ask. Additionally, I'm not the only one who took this position.

I also want to say that I prefaced my reply with the (tongue in cheek) caveat that I often seem to be the "Devil's Advocate" in such threads.

Now stop being so sensitive and holier than thou. Either leave the subjest at that, or continue to discuss the matter. You won't last long at TFP if start accusing others of "shitting" on "your" threads because you don't like their answers.

Mr Mephisto

Mephisto2 · 10-14-2003, 02:13 PM

10 minutes later, after a de-stressing cup of coffee...

Sillygirl,

I don't mean to be hard on you and I hope I'm not coming across nasty on a "rookie."

I posted the reply you didn't want to hear. That's the beauty of TFP. You get to see all sides.

So, whilst I apologise if I didn't make it clear in my original post that I was being rhetorical, I don't apologise for stating that opinion. One that at least two others have shared.

Welcome to TFP and sorry for being so hard on you!

Friends? Just don't go calling my wife!

Mr Mephisto

Rubyee · 10-14-2003, 02:27 PM

I, being a girl, would not have told him. I know that it sounds wrong, but A) the girl is your friend, and that would be betraying her, and B) it is not your place to tell. It is not your relationship or life to worry about. If the girl wants to not tell him, it is her choice. It may be a bad decision, but it is her relationship to ruin and her heart to break.

yournamehere · 10-14-2003, 04:08 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Mr Mephisto
If I understand what you're saying (ie, "once a cheat, always a cheat"), then you are talking out of your ass.

OK - I was about to jump on you like you did sillygirl, but I re-read your posts, and, since I realize you have a non-objective, personal stake in this, I'll soften my response.

I can only speak from over 30 years experience since I started dating, but in those 30 years the only people I've known that cheated only once just hadn't got around to the second time yet. But they all did. eventually. Male; female - no difference. It's just like guys who beat up their wives - it never happens just once. I think it's a state of mind; a lifestyle choice borne of selfishness, low self-esteem, and an inability of some people to respect another person above their own short-term desires.

And yes - I've made mistakes in my kife - some of them not deserving of forgiveness, either.

If that's talking out of my ass, then cover your nose - I might not be done yet.

As always - Your results may vary.

Mephisto2 · 10-14-2003, 05:23 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by yournamehere
OK - I was about to jump on you like you did sillygirl, but I re-read your posts, and, since I realize you have a non-objective, personal stake in this, I'll soften my response.

I don't see how you think I have a non-objective, personal stake in this at all.

I just dislike sweeping generalizations like that stated above. It IS possible to do something stupid once.

There are such things as "serial cheaters", but that's not to say that everyone who has ever cheated is one. The same goes for everything.

Quote:

I can only speak from over 30 years experience since I started dating, but in those 30 years the only people I've known that cheated only once just hadn't got around to the second time yet. But they all did. eventually. Male; female - no difference.

Well, with all respect, that's just bunkum.

If I kill someone in a fit of rage, does that make me a serial murderer just "waiting" to develop?

Quote:

And yes - I've made mistakes in my kife - some of them not deserving of forgiveness, either.

There's very little in the world not deserving in forgiveness. At least in my world.

Heinous crimes notwithstanding (pedophilia, genocide, torture etc).

Quote:

If that's talking out of my ass, then cover your nose - I might not be done yet.

LOL

Quote:

As always - Your results may vary.

Ditto.

Mr Mephisto

alkaloid · 10-18-2003, 09:39 PM

sillygirl,

By telling on your "Best Friend," how did you think it would benefit her? Who were you trying to help?

When I read your post, what I saw was a spiteful person who just attempted to ruin her "Best Friend's" life.

Bobaphat · 10-19-2003, 09:54 PM

I don't think it was your place at all. You should have removed yourself from this situation completely.

Mephisto2 · 10-20-2003, 12:39 AM

I rest my case.

Mr Mephisto

rainheart · 10-20-2003, 09:27 AM

Personally what I would've done was cover my own ass.

I would've approached her and said to her "hey you're cheating on your boyfriend, and you're well on your way to fucking up your relationship if you can't be honest with him. I'm going to stay out of this and I want you to know that I won't assume any responsibility if you start taking a crap on your relationship."

If you get stuck in some situation where you have a moral dillema just cover your own ass, first thing.

skysooner · 10-20-2003, 05:26 PM

I have posted this advice in other posts before, but in relationships like this, unless someone's life is in danger or unless someone is going to get hurt (i.e. the guy/girl is a beater) it is almost always unwise to get involved by telling. Getting between two people that are "in love" like this usually leads to heartache for you. Yes, I agree that once someone cheats it is easier for them to cheat a second time, but it doesn't always happen. What I think about the relationship is that they knew each other for far too short of a time. I knew I wanted to marry my wife by our 2nd date, but we didn't get engaged for 6 months and then didn't get married till we had been dating a year. It just made it easier to know for sure.

splck · 10-21-2003, 05:13 AM

I don't think it's any of your business to tell the guy this story. I can't see that you telling the guy about his wife did any good. All it does is make you look like a busybody.
I don't buy the once a cheater always a cheater crap. People make mistakes in their life and hopefully learn from them. Sadly, some don’t.

Peetster · 10-21-2003, 06:17 AM

Please try to be civil, or we will be forced to intervene.

prosequence · 10-21-2003, 11:03 AM

Go ahead and tell, I would want to know. Especially if you feel responsible for setting them up.

PS - what did you do to intervene at the party ?

shannon · 10-21-2003, 11:20 AM

i can see both sides i guess but i think in the end my loyalties would lie with the person i was closest to. if the friend and not the husband was the one i was closest to i would talk to the friend about it and not the husband.

sillygirl · 10-26-2003, 07:55 PM

Quote:

PS - what did you do to intervene at the party ?

I did as much babysitting as my drunk ass could do. You can only tell a person "Are you sure you want to do that? Don't do that..." so many times before you get pissed off that they're not listening to you, but inviting you to join in. (in a nutshell)

irseg · 10-26-2003, 08:32 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Mr Mephisto
According to you, the female was your best friend, not the guy. So you not only betrayed her, but also probably planted a seed of doubt or mistrust in his mind, risked their marriage and also talked to others about the whole situation, behind both their backs.

YEP!!

My best friend has cheated a few times and I've bitched him out about it, but I would NEVER EVER go behind his back like that.

If I consider someone good enough to be a friend of mine, I tend to favor & support that person over other people. I'm sure that's insensitive and politically incorrect and whatnot, but I don't give a fuck.

sillygirl · 10-26-2003, 09:15 PM

Quote:

talked to others about the whole situation, behind both their backs.

By the way, the people that I talked to were either a) there when this was going on or b) not informed of WHO the people were -- it was hypothetical for them.

KnifeMissile · 10-27-2003, 12:47 AM

Wow, I'm shocked to see all the different responses. I'm even shocked at the responses from the different posters that I know from TFP. The thread also got so long so fast that I don't think I can adequately answer every point that I wanted to make but I'll do the best that I can.

This was a very difficult situation.

If I were in your position, I would, with great reticence, have told him the truth but only after telling her I was going to do so. I would also be prepared to piss him off and to lose my friendship. I'm not entirely sure if you could do the same which is why this may not have been the best course of action for you, in particular. It all depends on what your values are.

Is it any of your business? No, in that it's not your relationship and not your marriage. On the other hand, it's not as if she told you all this in confidence. You were there to witness it all! She obviously wasn't trying to make it a secret and so, while it may be obvious that she wouldn't want you to, you have every prerogative to tell him, whether it was for her, his, or your benefit (although I'd hope it was for his).

Are they necessarily better off? No, but they may very well be better off. Who knows? Life is hard and you try to do the best you can based on imperfect information and a lack of prognostication. I think this course of action has the best chance of working out, all around, but opinions vary.

Will a cheater necessarily cheat again? Of course not but is that really the point? I'd hate to use a cheesy analogy but if someone was selling me a defective product, I'd want someone to inform me! She broke a trust and he deserves to know! Whether she will cheat again (or whether he'd care) is a judgment he should make and the more information he has the better.
As a side note, I think that this particular girl will cheat again and I think sillygirl would agree.

Again, this was a very difficult situation and every course of action risks hurt feelings and lost friendships.

Oh, and if it were me in his position, I would want to know!

KnifeMissile · 10-27-2003, 01:02 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Mr Mephisto
If I understand what you're saying (ie, "once a cheat, always a cheat"), then you are talking out of your ass.

"It will happen?"

How about "It did happen, but now it's in the past?"

Let me guess. You've NEVER made a mistake in your life.

Mr Mephisto

I've always hated this kind of thinking.

Have you ever made a mistake? Of course you have but there is balance to be had here.

Surely, a man who had raped and killed a woman can't very well just say "let me guess. You've never made a mistake in your life," as a rhetorical defense? This is an exaggeration, of course, but it's often a good way to make a strong point.

She accidentally slept with someone else? Twice? No, she didn't. She did a deliberate and malicious act against her fiance because... Well, I could let my imagination go wild but the truth is I just don't know. Does it matter? I don't think so....

Mephisto2 · 10-27-2003, 09:43 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by KnifeMissle
I've always hated this kind of thinking.

Have you ever made a mistake? Of course you have but there is balance to be had here.

Surely, a man who had raped and killed a woman can't very well just say "let me guess. You've never made a mistake in your life," as a rhetorical defense? This is an exaggeration, of course, but it's often a good way to make a strong point.

She accidentally slept with someone else? Twice? No, she didn't. She did a deliberate and malicious act against her fiance because... Well, I could let my imagination go wild but the truth is I just don't know. Does it matter? I don't think so....

The original poster said that 'once a cheat, always a cheat' (paraphrased). That's just nonesense, as I said. You cannot say that it "WILL happen again" (and I'm quoting the post here).

You believe a single act makes you out to be a serial offender (of whatever offence or act you carried out)?

What's the point in using a rape as an example? That's beyond contempt.

Mr Mephisto

Kyo · 10-27-2003, 10:01 PM

But you must agree that somebody who has made such a mistake is not to be trusted as much as someone who has not. And some mistakes are easier to make than others - the severity of the offense must be taken into account.

People break plates and drinking glasses all the time, whether they are especially clumsy or not. The sheer number of such objects that people handle in their lifetime means that just by random chance alone a significant number of them will be broken. This does not mean we start handing the person unbreakable plastic or steel cups.

Most people, however, will go their entire lives without murdering someone - and murder, by definition, is a premeditated action, it can't be an accident. Therefore, we will treat a murderer with a high degree of caution - it would be naive and idiotic to the point of suicide to do otherwise.

It's also been said that having done something once makes it easier to do again. I've heard that this applies to heinous crimes as well as everyday habits and immoral behavior.

Cheating is a premeditated action, and therefore falls closer to murder and rape than you would think. In all cases, it requires you to make a concious decision - in this case, the wrong one - about your actions. And you must make the decision with full knowledge that there is a right way and a wrong way.

How many times is it going to take before you become a serial offender? Even if I murder 200 people, you can't say with any amount of certainty that I will kill another person. Maybe I was aiming for 200. Maybe I didn't have a goal but got tired of slaughter. It comes down to how much you can take, and really, one betrayal is one too many. Trust is like your mother's good china - extremely fragile, and very difficult to repair or replace.

Mephisto2 · 10-27-2003, 10:16 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Kyo
But you must agree that somebody who has made such a mistake is not to be trusted as much as someone who has not.

Not necessarily.

Maybe the person is confused. Maybe the alchohol affected their judgement.

Quote:

And some mistakes are easier to make than others - the severity of the offense must be taken into account.

I agree. But the issue here is that I do not believe that cheating once means that you will cheat again. That's what the poster to whom I replied said.

Quote:

Most people, however, will go their entire lives without murdering someone - and murder, by definition, is a premeditated action, it can't be an accident. Therefore, we will treat a murderer with a high degree of caution

Of course

Quote:

- it would be naive and idiotic to the point of suicide to do otherwise.

Absolutely not. It would not be suicidal. It would either show naiety or trust or forgiveness. That is unless, of course, you do not believe in rehabilitation.

Quote:

It's also been said that having done something once makes it easier to do again. I've heard that this applies to heinous crimes as well as everyday habits and immoral behavior.

This is true and I would not argue that point with you. But what's this got to do with the point of someone saying that "once a cheater, always a cheater" or some such sweeping generalization?

Quote:

Cheating is a premeditated action, and therefore falls closer to murder and rape than you would think.

You live in a strange world if you think cheating is close to rape or murder.

Quote:

In all cases, it requires you to make a concious decision - in this case, the wrong one - about your actions. And you must make the decision with full knowledge that there is a right way and a wrong way.

That's not being contested.

Quote:

How many times is it going to take before you become a serial offender?

By definition, twice or more.

Quote:

Even if I murder 200 people, you can't say with any amount of certainty that I will kill another person. Maybe I was aiming for 200. Maybe I didn't have a goal but got tired of slaughter. It comes down to how much you can take, and really, one betrayal is one too many.

Again, whilst an interesting point of view, this has nothing to do with my argument against someone saying that if you cheat once, you will definitely cheat again. Indeed, maybe you cheated on someone you thought you loved, but afterward found true love and would never consider cheating. I know several people who fall into this category. That doesn't mean they WILL cheat on their new partner. Quite the opposite in many circumstances.

Quote:

Trust is like your mother's good china - extremely fragile, and very difficult to repair or replace.

Heh... True.

But is someone's trust worth anything if it's rationed out and revoked in spiteful little packages?

Your theory on trust goes both ways. Does Sillygirl deserve the "trust" and "friendship" of anyone now that she has betrayed them both by going behind her so-called friend's back?

Who knows? Only she does.

I think she was wrong and I believe (though haven't counted) that most people agree with me.

Mr Mephisto

jawshoouh · 10-27-2003, 10:30 PM

i agree w/ mr mephisto :P
unless her cheating ways are getting in the way of your so-called friendship with her, you had no reason and no right to rat her out on her husband. she's supposed to be your [best] friend, not him. friends back up friends, for the most part, not their significant others. it's as simple as that.

Sparhawk · 10-28-2003, 07:20 AM

When my friends do something morally reprehensible, I tell them very straightforwardly: "Look, I'm not going to make you face the music or anything, you know in your heart that what you did was wrong. I'm not going to tell the other party, but I am absolutely NOT going to lie for you."

10-13-2003, 05:12 PM	#1 (permalink)
sillygirl Newlywed Location: at home	Did I do the right thing? What would you have done? So, my best friend of nine years got married Friday. Aaaaand, I'm not so sure it was the best thing for her. Well, I set (I'll just choose names...) Suzie and Brandon up. They hit it off, and I was happy for them. Until I noticed things about their relationship that just weren't right. Here's the kicker. She cheated on him at least twice before they got married. Once was the night he asked her if they could be exclusive. She and I went to a party, and she ended up with another guy all night. Then, a week later, she and I went to another party, and she ended up sleeping with yet another guy. But she wouldn't tell him. She said it would never come up. Said that she'd forget about it, so it didn't matter. That he didn't need to know. I tried talking to her, telling her that she can't look him in the eye and tell a bold-faced lie, that it was her responsibility to tell him. That if she didn't tell him now, he'd end up finding out eventually. She even disguised a hickey she got as a curling iron burn and put a bandaid over it. Poor sap believed her. Well, enough people knew that "something" had happened at the party, and although they didn't know exactly what happened (except me and another guy), they knew he needed to know. I talked to some guys about it, and asked for honest opinions. The response that I got from everyone was that he needed to know, and that I should tell him because I was closely involved in the situation. So I called him. I told him the truth, he thanked me for calling. I guess that my question to the guys is: Would you rather be told, and have her end up being faithful the whole marriage, or not be told, and find out later on in the marriage when she gets drunk at a party without you and cheats again? And girls: What would you have done? __________________ Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly-Rose Franken ....absence makes me miss him more...

10-13-2003, 07:15 PM	#3 (permalink)
sillygirl Newlywed Location: at home	I did talk to him before they got married. He thanked me for calling him and talking to him. She had talked to him about it after she hung up on me (the day I ended up calling him), but she had given him minute detail about the night, saying "I might have but I don't know...." even though she and I had talked about it the next morning and I had told her then that she needed to tell him. She has screwed around on almost all her boyfriends. She has only known this guy for a total of 3 months now (I do realize that some people who get married that soon stay together and happy forever), and while he and I were talking, I found out that he really didn't know much of anything about her past. __________________ Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly-Rose Franken ....absence makes me miss him more...

10-13-2003, 07:39 PM	#4 (permalink)
Nimbletoe Junkie Location: Michigan	You definitley did the right thing, congrats for being brave about it. __________________ Go Pistons!

10-13-2003, 11:06 PM	#6 (permalink)
Lebell Cracking the Whip Location: Sexymama's arms...	Yes, I think you did the right thing in a very difficult situation. I would only suggest that maybe this person isn't the kind of person that you should be friends with. Consider this: if she is willing to lie to the man she "loves" and is going to marry, what is she willing to do to you? (or is that 'different'?) Anyway, best of luck to you. __________________ "Of all tyrannies, a tyranny exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive. It may be better to live under robber barons than under omnipotent moral busybodies. The robber baron's cruelty may sometimes sleep, his cupidity may at some point be satiated; but those who torment us for our own good will torment us without end, for they do so with the approval of their own conscience." – C. S. Lewis The ONLY sponsors we have are YOU! Please Donate!

10-14-2003, 03:55 AM	#7 (permalink)
Mephisto2 Junkie	I'm usually the one who posts unpopular opinions on threads like this, so why change now? So, how exactly was it your business? According to you, the female was your best friend, not the guy. So you not only betrayed her, but also probably planted a seed of doubt or mistrust in his mind, risked their marriage and also talked to others about the whole situation, behind both their backs. Does this make you "feel better about yourself?" Do you feel you stand on the "high moral ground?" What was the point? What benefit did it do to anyone? All you've done is probably lost a friend, pissed off a friend's husband, put a marriage at risk, shown you are untrustworthy, shown you are a gossip, displayed bad taste and are the type to seek justification for your actions from complete strangers on the internet. My wife cheated on me before we got married. I found out. It hurt (especially if you knew who it was with), but I got over it. We both love each other. So, would you have "helped out" in my situation? I can't stand meddling busy bodies like you. /rant off There you go! Unpopular, and flame-worthy post. Mr Mephisto Last edited by Mephisto2; 10-14-2003 at 03:59 AM..

10-13-2003, 05:20 PM	#2 (permalink)
Rodney Observant Ruminant Location: Rich Wannabe Hippie Town	If you really believe she's doing him wrong, you should have told him -- BEFORE the marriage. Of course you risk your friendship, but if you truly believe he was getting screwed over, you should have told him. But it sounds like you let them get married without telling him. From my point of view, if you let things go that far without telling him, you've already let the damage be done. But they are a couple _now_, and it's possible that they might make it. So telling him _now_ might just make the whole marriage even more likely to fail. Even if she straightens up, maybe he'll now feel he's "entitled" to screw around a little himself, because he's been wronged. At any rate, you let it happen, and now it's reality. I don't think any good was served at this point by throwing a bomb into his trust. I would have just kept my mouth shut and hoped for the best. And maybe, if she started screwing around again and you knew, tell him about that.

10-14-2003, 05:06 AM	#9 (permalink)
Averett Is In Love Location: I'm workin' on it	I agree with Mr. Mephisto. Personally I would have not said anything. It just wouldn't be my place. It really is a fine line and either way you're most likely going to look like the bad guy. If you tell or if you don't tell and he finds out later that you knew. Tricky situation... __________________ Absence is to love what wind is to fire. It extinguishes the small, it enkindles the great.

10-14-2003, 05:09 AM	#10 (permalink)
G5_Todd Junkie Location: Reichstag	i'd want to know.... __________________ "....and when you men get home and face an anti-war protester, look him in the eyes and shake his hand. Then, wink at his girlfriend, because she knows she's dating a pussy." -General Franks

10-14-2003, 06:47 AM	#11 (permalink)
yournamehere Invisible Location: tentative, at best	Cheating is not an event - it's a lifestyle. I'd want to know, because it <i>will</i> happen again. __________________ If you want to avoid 95% of internet spelling errors: "If your ridiculous pants are too loose, you're definitely going to lose them. Tell your two loser friends over there that they're going to lose theirs, too." It won't hurt your fashion sense, either.

10-14-2003, 09:26 AM	#12 (permalink)
Dano069 is Nucking Futs! Location: On the edge of sanity	I'm not sure what I would have done. The other question is, do they have an open relationship? Maybe he's done the same thing? It is very murky ground but, if it didn't stop them from getting married, then don't sweat it. __________________ I may look attentive, but I'm taking peeks down your blouse faster than the human eye can follow.

10-14-2003, 12:57 PM	#13 (permalink)
sillygirl Newlywed Location: at home	Mr Mephisto: No, I did not feel better about myself. It was a difficult decision. I had to decide... do I not tell him and when he finds out later have him pissed at me that I didn't tell him when I had known all along, or do I tell him now and deal with the consequences as they may be. Judging from the fact that they A) still got married and B) He thanked me for calling, I feel that my decision was appreciated. I'd thank you to not shit in my thread. I asked specific questions, looking for some helpful and constructive feedback. If you don't have that to give, please don't post. __________________ Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly-Rose Franken ....absence makes me miss him more...

10-14-2003, 01:08 PM	#14 (permalink)
absorbentishe Boy am I horny today Location: T O L E D O, Toledo!!	I don't know.... Yes you did the honest thing, but it was your friend that should have come clean. You jepordized your friendship, and she could have denied everything, and still can. Personally, I wouldn't have said a word, maybe just telling my friend what a louse he/she is for what they did and telling them they needed to come clean. But if your friends husband really loves her, he may overlook a once/twice happening. Love is blind, but a cheater once, is always a cheater.

10-14-2003, 02:13 PM	#18 (permalink)
Mephisto2 Junkie	10 minutes later, after a de-stressing cup of coffee... Sillygirl, I don't mean to be hard on you and I hope I'm not coming across nasty on a "rookie." I posted the reply you didn't want to hear. That's the beauty of TFP. You get to see all sides. So, whilst I apologise if I didn't make it clear in my original post that I was being rhetorical, I don't apologise for stating that opinion. One that at least two others have shared. Welcome to TFP and sorry for being so hard on you! Friends? Just don't go calling my wife! Mr Mephisto

10-14-2003, 02:27 PM	#19 (permalink)
Rubyee I'm baaaaack!	I, being a girl, would not have told him. I know that it sounds wrong, but A) the girl is your friend, and that would be betraying her, and B) it is not your place to tell. It is not your relationship or life to worry about. If the girl wants to not tell him, it is her choice. It may be a bad decision, but it is her relationship to ruin and her heart to break. __________________ You don't know from fun.

10-18-2003, 09:39 PM	#22 (permalink)
alkaloid Dead Inside Location: East Coast, USA	sillygirl, By telling on your "Best Friend," how did you think it would benefit her? Who were you trying to help? When I read your post, what I saw was a spiteful person who just attempted to ruin her "Best Friend's" life.

10-19-2003, 09:54 PM	#23 (permalink)
Bobaphat whoopity doo Location: Seattle	I don't think it was your place at all. You should have removed yourself from this situation completely. __________________ --size matters not-- yoda

10-20-2003, 12:39 AM	#24 (permalink)
Mephisto2 Junkie	I rest my case. Mr Mephisto

10-20-2003, 09:27 AM	#25 (permalink)
rainheart Psycho	Personally what I would've done was cover my own ass. I would've approached her and said to her "hey you're cheating on your boyfriend, and you're well on your way to fucking up your relationship if you can't be honest with him. I'm going to stay out of this and I want you to know that I won't assume any responsibility if you start taking a crap on your relationship." If you get stuck in some situation where you have a moral dillema just cover your own ass, first thing.

10-20-2003, 05:26 PM	#26 (permalink)
skysooner Registered User Location: Oklahoma	I have posted this advice in other posts before, but in relationships like this, unless someone's life is in danger or unless someone is going to get hurt (i.e. the guy/girl is a beater) it is almost always unwise to get involved by telling. Getting between two people that are "in love" like this usually leads to heartache for you. Yes, I agree that once someone cheats it is easier for them to cheat a second time, but it doesn't always happen. What I think about the relationship is that they knew each other for far too short of a time. I knew I wanted to marry my wife by our 2nd date, but we didn't get engaged for 6 months and then didn't get married till we had been dating a year. It just made it easier to know for sure.

10-21-2003, 05:13 AM	#27 (permalink)
splck it's jam Location: Lowerainland BC	I don't think it's any of your business to tell the guy this story. I can't see that you telling the guy about his wife did any good. All it does is make you look like a busybody. I don't buy the once a cheater always a cheater crap. People make mistakes in their life and hopefully learn from them. Sadly, some don’t. __________________ nice line eh?

10-21-2003, 06:17 AM	#28 (permalink)
Peetster Right Now Location: Home	Please try to be civil, or we will be forced to intervene.

10-21-2003, 11:03 AM	#29 (permalink)
prosequence Psycho Location: YOUR MOM!!	Go ahead and tell, I would want to know. Especially if you feel responsible for setting them up. PS - what did you do to intervene at the party ? __________________ And now here I stand because of you, Mister Anderson, because of you I'm no longer an agent of the system, because of you I've changed...

10-21-2003, 11:20 AM	#30 (permalink)
shannon Psycho Location: Canada	i can see both sides i guess but i think in the end my loyalties would lie with the person i was closest to. if the friend and not the husband was the one i was closest to i would talk to the friend about it and not the husband. __________________ "When I look down I just miss all the good stuff. And when I look up I just trip over things"

10-27-2003, 12:47 AM	#34 (permalink)
KnifeMissile Location: Waterloo, Ontario	Wow, I'm shocked to see all the different responses. I'm even shocked at the responses from the different posters that I know from TFP. The thread also got so long so fast that I don't think I can adequately answer every point that I wanted to make but I'll do the best that I can. This was a very difficult situation. If I were in your position, I would, with great reticence, have told him the truth but only after telling her I was going to do so. I would also be prepared to piss him off and to lose my friendship. I'm not entirely sure if you could do the same which is why this may not have been the best course of action for you, in particular. It all depends on what your values are. Is it any of your business? No, in that it's not your relationship and not your marriage. On the other hand, it's not as if she told you all this in confidence. You were there to witness it all! She obviously wasn't trying to make it a secret and so, while it may be obvious that she wouldn't want you to, you have every prerogative to tell him, whether it was for her, his, or your benefit (although I'd hope it was for his). Are they necessarily better off? No, but they may very well be better off. Who knows? Life is hard and you try to do the best you can based on imperfect information and a lack of prognostication. I think this course of action has the best chance of working out, all around, but opinions vary. Will a cheater necessarily cheat again? Of course not but is that really the point? I'd hate to use a cheesy analogy but if someone was selling me a defective product, I'd want someone to inform me! She broke a trust and he deserves to know! Whether she will cheat again (or whether he'd care) is a judgment he should make and the more information he has the better. As a side note, I think that this particular girl will cheat again and I think sillygirl would agree. Again, this was a very difficult situation and every course of action risks hurt feelings and lost friendships. Oh, and if it were me in his position, I would want to know! Last edited by KnifeMissile; 10-27-2003 at 01:06 AM..

10-27-2003, 10:01 PM	#37 (permalink)
Kyo Crazy	But you must agree that somebody who has made such a mistake is not to be trusted as much as someone who has not. And some mistakes are easier to make than others - the severity of the offense must be taken into account. People break plates and drinking glasses all the time, whether they are especially clumsy or not. The sheer number of such objects that people handle in their lifetime means that just by random chance alone a significant number of them will be broken. This does not mean we start handing the person unbreakable plastic or steel cups. Most people, however, will go their entire lives without murdering someone - and murder, by definition, is a premeditated action, it can't be an accident. Therefore, we will treat a murderer with a high degree of caution - it would be naive and idiotic to the point of suicide to do otherwise. It's also been said that having done something once makes it easier to do again. I've heard that this applies to heinous crimes as well as everyday habits and immoral behavior. Cheating is a premeditated action, and therefore falls closer to murder and rape than you would think. In all cases, it requires you to make a concious decision - in this case, the wrong one - about your actions. And you must make the decision with full knowledge that there is a right way and a wrong way. How many times is it going to take before you become a serial offender? Even if I murder 200 people, you can't say with any amount of certainty that I will kill another person. Maybe I was aiming for 200. Maybe I didn't have a goal but got tired of slaughter. It comes down to how much you can take, and really, one betrayal is one too many. Trust is like your mother's good china - extremely fragile, and very difficult to repair or replace. __________________ Sure I have a heart; it's floating in a jar in my closet, along with my tonsils, my appendix, and all of the other useless organs I ripped out.

10-27-2003, 10:30 PM	#39 (permalink)
jawshoouh Banned Location: GMT -5	i agree w/ mr mephisto :P unless her cheating ways are getting in the way of your so-called friendship with her, you had no reason and no right to rat her out on her husband. she's supposed to be your [best] friend, not him. friends back up friends, for the most part, not their significant others. it's as simple as that.

10-28-2003, 07:20 AM	#40 (permalink)
Sparhawk Dubya Location: VA	When my friends do something morally reprehensible, I tell them very straightforwardly: "Look, I'm not going to make you face the music or anything, you know in your heart that what you did was wrong. I'm not going to tell the other party, but I am absolutely NOT going to lie for you." __________________ "In Iraq, no doubt about it, it's tough. It's hard work. It's incredibly hard. It's - and it's hard work. I understand how hard it is. I get the casualty reports every day. I see on the TV screens how hard it is. But it's necessary work. We're making progress. It is hard work."