lurkette

OK, I'm not a litigious person. But some members of my family would like to file a wrongful death suit against the driver of the car that hit and killed my brother.

Mostly I just want to move on and let us all heal but I understand their desire for "justice" and to establish some kind of memorial fund so that Josh is not forgotten. Talking to this lawyer, though, about hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of settlements and California traffic laws and collecting photographs for court, I just feel really overwhelmed and not at all sure that this is the right thing. I don't know what Josh would have wanted. And I don't want to be one of those people who just sues people out of spite or grief. I want to do what's best for my family, basically. I don't want my mom to have to deal with this, and I don't trust my dad and my sister to "do the right thing." That leaves me.

Does anybody have any thoughts on whether this is "worth it", and how to keep this from turning into revenge or greed?

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- Anatole France

gonadman

My deepest sympathies...

You didn't say how long ago the accident happened. Grief and pain make it difficult to make a rational decision. Perhaps if you ask the attorney how long the statute of limitations for filing this type of suit is, then you will have a good idea how long you have to make this decision. Take as much time as you can. Perhaps in a year or two you will look at this decision much differently.

The attorney's interests are obvious, and are very different than yours.

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lurkette

Thanks for your kind thoughts. The accident happened about 3 months ago, April 10. Josh died April 25. I think the statute of limitations in CA is 1 year from the accident.

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"If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing."

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Peetster

Was it an accident, or was the driver in some way wrong? Was he impared or did he violate some law?

I believe that it was Josh's time to go. It seems awfully young, and I know it's hard to accept, but it is God's plan, not ours. If it really was an accident, and the driver just made a mistake, I would let it go.

I'm not shooting from the hip here. I lost my 3 year old son in a drowning accident. I could have sued a lot of people, but I did not. I just let it go, and held onto his memory.

Macheath

My condolences to you and your family.

If you are going to sue, don't be afraid to do research and try to learn the legal reasoning behind a possible suit; even a layman's understanding will go a long way. DO get a competent lawyer but also familiarize yourself with the case; or you'll feel like one of those people who sues left, right and centre without appreciating the law.

Don't let your lawyer push you around or belittle you for wanting to understand the case. Give yourself a chance to cool off if it all gets too much, but remember that filing the suit will set the wheels of the system moving, so find people who know what will be on your shoulders from that day forward.

The more you know of the laws involved, the more you'll feel your serving a genuine desire for justice rather than for revenge or greed.

sexymama

Condolences to you and yours.

Obviously suing will not bring your brother back. I am of the mind that if the driver was drunk and/or negligent in any way, he needs to "suffer the consequences." However, if it was truly just an accident, why prolong the pain of your loss?

You can choose to participate or not participate in the lawsuit. Telling your family you support their right to do what they want to do and that you hope they will support your right to not be involved, may be best for your mental health. You are not responsible for how they deal with the death. You are only responsible for yourself! (I know I may sound cold when I say this. I do not mean that you not "be there" for your family. I simply mean, take care of yourself and the rest will fall into place.)

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lurkette

Some background:

It was 12:30 at night and Josh was skateboarding in Hollywood about 3 blocks from his apartment. He was crossing Sunset on his way home (on his board, I think, but in a crosswalk, I think). There was a tow truck in the center lane that slowed down to let him cross, and a car behind the tow truck in the next lane over to the right. Basically the tow truck blocked the car's view and he didn't slow down, and it blocked Josh's view and he couldn't see the car coming. Bam. Stupid accident. Probably nobody's fault, really, or everybody's fault. Legally I'm sure it's the driver's fault, but morally, to me, it's just a dumb accident. And really he didn't die from the head injury, he died from complications surrounding the pneumonia he developed in the hospital (where, granted, he wouldn't have been except for the head injury due to the accident). Even though the coroner's report lists cause of death as blunt head trauma from the accident.

Peetster, I do think it was Josh's time to go, and it was Josh's choice to go. But the rest of my family doesn't necessarily see it that way. I'm torn between doing what I think is right (not suing) and doing what they think is right - filing a wrongful death suit, which is probably legally valid. They want some money for a memorial fund for Josh, and my Dad wants "justice." Like hitting someone who dies and feeling bad about it for the rest of your life isn't justice. If they go forward with it, though, I don't know what my obligation is, personally, to be involved to make sure it doesn't violate Josh's spirit. That's basically my take on things. I just want to move on and heal.

So maybe the question isn't "to sue or not to sue" but "to talk my family out of suing or not"?

And Peetster, I'm sorry to hear about your son. Seeing my parents go through this, I have seen how hard it is to lose a child. I'm so sorry.

__________________
"If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing."

- Anatole France

Minx

lurkette...first off I am very sorry you've lost your brother. I can't even start to imagine how awful that would be. My heart goes out to you.
Secondly....what an amazing attitude you have. A big thumbs up to you for being able to see rationally at such an emotional time. I find it very refreshing that you could go through such a loss and still have a clear enough mind to see it as what it was....a very tragic accident.
If the other driver had been drinking or had been driving recklessly then I would absolutely scream for justice. In this case though, as you said it was freak accident. I'm very sure the other driver did not mean for it to happen and, as you pointed out, they now have to live with that knowledge for the rest of their lives. Is it fair...of course not. No-one should be struck down at such a young age. It is understandable that your family wants justice but the plain fact is that no amount of money will bring your brother back. I think it would be better to try to heal and keep moving, keep living and remember him in a good light...not through a possibly lengthy and expensive court battle.
My prayers go out to you and your family.

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Sparhawk

I read an article recently about an air force member who killed a pedestrian crossing the street when he hit the member's car. The person was found not-at-fault, but he cycled into a deep depression. He bought a handgun and killed himself. This person couldn't live with the guilt. Would people consider that "justice"?

My opinion: This person, if he has any humanity, will be living with guilt for the rest of his life. I don't think forcing him to give up money, even if it's for a memorial, will pull that guilt in a constructive direction, and will probably just turn it into anger. I hope you talk your family out of this.

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Derwood

I don't think there is justice to be found here. I can't imagine that the driver isn't completely torn up over this.

Recently a friend of the family's 18 year old son was killed in a motorcycle accident. He lost control, crossed the median and hit an SUV head on. There is no way I could sue that SUV driver, as it wasn't his fault.

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Sleepyjack

i am just resonating what other people have basically said, in that there are only really victims of this accident and so no one should be punished even more on top of this. Both your family and the driver would be vastly effected by this incident, so it'd be unnescessary to inflict any more damage on anyone.

very true

my condolences.

Bill O'Rights

lurkette, I am <b>so</b> sorry about the loss of your brother. I've seen posts where you've mentioned his death before, but I had no idea that it was so recent. My heart truly goes out to you...and your family.

Having read your detail of the accident...I'm not so sure that the driver was at fault. Maybe the whole nightmarish ordeal would make more sense if he was, but I believe that it was horrible example of being at the wrong place, at the wrong time. That doesn't make his death any easier to accept...nor, I believe, will destroying the life of the driver. I would hope that this is something that he/she will be carrying around, like a lead weight, for the rest of his/her life. Adding a lawsuit to the tragedy will not help anyone, in this case. I understand your families desire to find fault...to place blame...to find someone, or something, to villainize...to demonize. It would help to make some sort of sense out of a senseless tragedy. I just don't see how suing the driver will do justice to your brother's memory.

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SidCitna

As a pedestrian he had the right of way. Especially if the tow truck recognized it. If he was in the crosswalk and the tow truck slowed, the driver should of slowed to. What did the police report say. Before suing, You should considered writing a demand letter to the insurance company. If they blow you off, you could get a P.I. attorney. They take a cut so they shouldnt charge you... Granted the attorney will make out with at least a third of whatever you get once you start to sue.

lurkette

This is going to sound all "woo-woo" and new-agey, but the more I think about this and talk about it with people and read your responses, the more I am afraid of the kind of "energy" a lawsuit would put out there. I'm committed to spreading compassion and love, and I don't think this lawsuit would further that commitment. I just see it as small and petty and an example of the kind of "eye-for-an-eye" self-interested mentality that makes me so sad about our society. I think I've come to decision that I'll discourage my family from pursuing this. What they ultimately decide to do is up to them, but I know now how I feel about this. Thank you.

On a related note, I would rather have the person who hit Josh know who he was and think of him, and us his family, with love and compassion rather than with guilt and anger. Does anybody know how I would I go about contacting him? I don't think his name/address was in the police report. Could I send something to the police and have them forward it?

__________________
"If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing."

- Anatole France

Cynthetiq

sorry about your loss..

I used to live in LA here's what I remember

california law: pedestrian has the right of way.
california law: illegal to pass on the right.

let your energy flow to whatever it needs to flow in order to heal this situation and make the world a better place. If that means a lawsuit and taking the proceeds to make awareness for pedestrians and drivers then that's what it means. If it means a memorial for your brother, than so be it.

All I can add is that I left living in California because of people that I felt weren't "real" to themselves or to the rest of society. NYC has shown the world that the jaded angry New Yorker does not exist anymore.

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JStrider

well you should tell your family you dont think they should sue... give all the reasons that have been mentioned here... and depending how strongly you feel about it you could refuse to talk to them or something along those lines during the proceedings..

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BigJayz

I'm sorry to hear about this, it is a tragic event. I couldn't see suing the driver after reading what you said about the way the accident took place. The driver of the car will be stuck with the guilt for the rest of his life. I'm sure he/she probably has nightmares about the moment of impact and will probably be haunted by that for the rest of their life. Have you tried talking to this person? If so, are they apologetic and truly remorseful for what happened? If you haven't, that might help you and your family to heal. Not to mention helping that person heal. I know it might be hard but you might find that the person is truly remorseful and may play an important part in the rest of your's and your family's life. I believe that everything in life happens for a reason and you have to find out what the reason of your brother's death was. Good luck with your decision, it sounds to me like you've got a lot of balance in your life and a good head on your shoulders. I trust that you will make the right decision for YOU.

Slims

Don't sue.

I don't think you should sue in this case. It looks like it is simply a tragic accident. If you choose to go ahead w/ the lawsuit, donate any money you get to charity. That way you will know that everybody involved is involved for the right reasons, rather than to get rich off of your brothers death.

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BigTruck1956

Well here i am echoing the posts above. You sound like a very rational person, certainly more retional than i probably would be in your situation.
In my opinion, suing would only put a value on your borther's life. I dont think i would be very happy knowing that my brother was only worth say $500,000 after he died or something like that. There is no way to bring your brother back and it sounds as if you understand the whole situation. Plus, how do you feel about a lawyer getting rich of your and your families loss?
you have my sincere condolences and good luck in the trying months ahead.

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MSD

Legally, you have every right to sue. Legally, you would win. Morally, to sue the driver would be wrong. Like so many others have said, the guilt is enough, and you don't want him to be angry and feeling fuilty.

When my father died, even though the type of cancer he had carried a 5% survival chance, we could have sued, and by some estimates, made off with more than 100 million in malpractice settlements. We didn't because we didn't feel right doing it. You should do what you feel is right, and I think you're making the right choice by trying to discourage your family from suing.

MAy God bless you and your family and help you throught this.

guthmund

I hate to sound like a broken record, but I'm sorry to hear your brother died. My condolences.

I can't think of any good that will come out of suing the driver.
Money won't bring back the beloved or salve the wounds of missing family.

I only hope that your family will be comforted in your time of desperate need.

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Mr Scorcex

First off, I'm really sorry.
Secondly, I don't believe you should sue, and should try to talk your family out of it. Tell them everything from the first paragraph in your background post. It seems more like a tragic accident, and if you don't feel that it is morally correct to sue, then try to get your family to understand that. If they go ahead and sue, just say you want out of the whole thing. Money can't buy happiness, and surely your brother will live on in your memories. Again, my condolences.

sunstone

My condolences for your loss. As others have replied so eloquently, to sue is to inflict more grief -- and you will create a new victim who already has a burden to carry for the rest of their life. Your family will also suffer far more by having to reduce every aspect of the accident and your brother's life to finite bits of evidence to be paraded publicly. It becomes so analytical that it is difficult to ever hold the real image of your brother within you thereafter and you will instead remember all the detestable things done and said during the legal proceedings. Don't forget that the other side will also have an attorney who will be just as emphatic about saving their client. They are forced to minimize everything important that your side has to say about your brother or the accident. It is trauma that you can all do without. It truly is not worth whatever the money will buy.

rodgerd

I think that's your answer there. If you feel it's a tragic accident, and that the driver isn't morally liable, don't sue.

As for the rest of your family's attitude - it's great they want a memorial, but why can't they fund it themselves? Your father's desire for justice sounds like the "someone has to pay" mentality lashing out, based on what you've told us. It doesn't seem a great way to build a memorial.

MacGnG

sorry to hear this. if you trust your lawyer and believe there is a case and that its possible, it might not feel completely right but if it helps and the money is used to remember him and pay for the hospital. i think you should do it.

did the driver pay for the hospital bill, has he done anything about it?

its your choice but i see where the not going any farther view is comming from but i have the did that person do anything besides say they were sorry view.

(dont take this the wrong way its just that when my dog died thats how my mom explained it and i accepted it)
when a pet is hit by a car a sincere appology, etc. is accpetable although not fulfilling. but this is a person, this is your brother we're talkin about.



if "no one is responsible", is good enough for you than, he will always be remembered in your heart and i agree and understand.

lurkette

Just talked to my dad - the last person still thinking about suing - and he's decided not to do it. I feel so relieved.

We've all agreed that we'd like to contact the driver and make sure that he knows we don't hold it against him. Any suggestions about how to do this? Best to call? Write a letter? We have all of his contact information on the police report.

Thanks everyone for your support and advice.

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"If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing."

- Anatole France

Jay Francis

To me, too, it seems like just a tragic accident. If the driver is a good person, he will have enough to deal with for the rest of his life, remorse. If he was a jerk, for example, intoxicated, I hope he gets punished by the law. But to me, it seems like just a tragic accident that no one was at fault for.

denim

A letter is probably most appropriate, and it allows y'all to edit before you send it. A phone call is too off-the-cuff, and allows you to say things you don't really want to say.

Pennington

I'm glad you chose not to sue.

I had a similar thing happen to me when my brother died rather suddenly from an ulcer that doctors had failed to detect even after several trips to the emergancy room. Everytime they attributed his paleness and fainting to a poor diet and just gave him more pills to take. When he died, our lawyer and several other people said that we had an open and shut malpractice suit against his doctor. We thought about it and then talked to his doctor about his death. He seemed really broken up about it and apologised for anything he may have contributed to my brother's death. It was an honest mistake that he could not have prevented. It was not his fault my brother died, it was an accident. We saw it as such and decided not to sue, not to ruin another persons life and career. That is what my brother would have wanted and that is what we did.

rodgerd

A letter, definitely. Conversations have a way of taking turns in the heat of the moment. You may want to talk or have a meeting later, but initially, a letter will be safest in terms of letting you say what you want to say.

lurkette

Pennington, I'm so sorry for your loss, and having gone through this now myself I absolutely commend you and your family for your compassion. It's nice to know that not everyone seeks revenge, calling it "justice."

__________________
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- Anatole France

FastShark85

We lost my dad after he had surgery to repair a broken arm. A blot clot had formed in his leg. When it broke free and traveled to his lungs, he was dead within minutes. This happened two days before Christmas.

Christmas obviously was horrible, and having gifts from him to everyone under the tree made it so much more difficult. Attending my father's funeral on the day after Christmas was extremely difficult.

My grandmother (on my father's side) then died 2 weeks later. Her burial plot was about 30 yards from my father's. I had to relive the whole event over again.

Given the circumstance surrounding my father's death, we decided to contact a personal friend who was a personal injury attorney. I knew him well enough to know that he wasn't the type to chase money. The impetus for contacting him was the callous nature of the hospital's response to my father's death. Without getting into details, I'll just say it was shockingly unprofessional.

Anyway, the attorney reviewed all of the medical records and, regardless of whether he believed we could "get" any money, he believed that we shouldn't sue because of what it would do to the family.

I'm glad we didn't sue... time has made the loss easier to bear.

Lurkette, you've made the right decision. Money won't make things feel better. It wouldn't have come from the driver, anyway...it would have been his insurance company fighting it out.

As so many others have said, I'm sorry for your loss.

jbrooks544

I would tell your family member that you do not approve of the lawsuit and will have notihing to do with it. At the same time you can show them your plan for the memorial or memorial fund. There are plenty of ways to raise money for such a thing. I bet a nice letter to the driver would find you someone who was anxious to contribute. He would probably be thankful for your understanding as well.

Caser

To sue or not to sue............depends the situation and how much money they got :P

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tinfoil

As everyone, I am sorry for your loss lurkette, and yours Pennington, and yours as well FastShark85.

Lurkette, a friend of mine was on the recieving end of a wrongful death lawsuit. The police determined that both parties were equally at fault. He was sued for 2.5million (CDN) and has been to court many times to relive the accident. The suit was eventually thrown out, but not before he had a serious bout with depression and a couple of attempted suicides.

I wholly agree that if the death was caused by neglect, then sue. If the death was a legitimate accident, then no. You shouldn't be able to sue people over a random action (or fate?).

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smithja0423

Lurkette- You should be applauded for your courage and objectivity throughout this ordeal. I'll omit the advice because so many fine folks have reponded above. Best of luck to you and your family.

tmricha

Im at a loss for anything witty or conforting to say. But I will keep you in my prayers.

sunstone

Definitely go with a letter. You can take the time to be sure it really says what you want it to and the driver can read and reflect on it without pressure. Imagine if you were that driver and picked up the phone -- nobody's going to be able to say the right thing. He doesn't know where you're coming from and probably suspects you're out to get him somehow -- the telephone is not appropriate for something like this. If it went wrong, you would wish you'd never made the call.

sunstone

P.S. -- Guess I'd recommend writing your letter in one of those blank greeting cards with no writing in them. Get one with a peaceful picture, drawing or pattern. This gives a quick "safe" message to someone who is probably pretty apprehensive about getting a piece of mail from your family.

Sounds like you've all come to a rational agreement on how to end the part of this tragedy that you have any control over. Congratulations and good luck with the rest of the healing process.

tehblaed

Wow, this whole shebang has honestly filled me with grief and happiness at the same time. Lurkette, you and your family's decision is a very respectable one, as I am a lover, not a fighter as well. I'm sure the driver will honestly be very overwhelmed (and relieved, mind you) if you guys write a from-the-heart letter with decency and compassion. This is a very good thing for peaceful people across the planet, and I wish more people felt the same way you and I do.

My regards and condolences,
Chris