Are you a secret spender? - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

snowy · 12-06-2010, 08:45 AM

While reading another article on CNN this morning, this piece caught my eye:

I'm a secret spender - Hannah Shaner: Hides her shoes (1) - CNNMoney.com

Are you a secret spender? Are there things you buy that you hide from your spouse/others? If you're not a secret spender, do you think there are things you do financially that keep you from being a secret spender?

My mother was a big secret spender when I was a kid, and so when it came time to set up our finances for marriage (prior to being married, we'd kept everything separate), I deliberately went about it in a way to discourage secret spending. We have a joint checking account and are expected to contribute a certain percentage of our income towards joint expenses; this amount is determined by what percentage of the total household income either of us earn (i.e., if we made a total of $1000/mo, and my paycheck was 400 of that and his was 600, then I would contribute 40% of my paycheck, and he would contribute 60% of his). The rest of our paycheck we are free to keep in our own accounts and spend as we wish. As for the joint account, any expense over $50 has to be agreed upon by both parties, unless it's me going grocery shopping for the month.

Jinn · 12-06-2010, 09:06 AM

Quote:

We have a joint checking account and are expected to contribute a certain percentage of our income towards joint expenses; this amount is determined by what percentage of the total household income either of us earn (i.e., if we made a total of $1000/mo, and my paycheck was 400 of that and his was 600, then I would contribute 40% of my paycheck, and he would contribute 60% of his). The rest of our paycheck we are free to keep in our own accounts and spend as we wish. As for the joint account, any expense over $50 has to be agreed upon by both parties, unless it's me going grocery shopping for the month.

Same boat here. I can't imagine doing it any other way. I suppose if you came from another generation, but there's no excuse for our generation to do it any way but this. No one should feel guilty for spending the fruits of their labors, particularly when shared expenses are being taken care of.

StanT · 12-06-2010, 09:44 AM

I don't hide things from my wife; but I'm not exactly upfront about what they cost, either. She knows and blessed my desktop headphone system ... she doesn't have any idea what it cost. I can afford it, the bills are paid, I kept my last stereo 20+ years. I just don't feel like it's something I need to justify.

Joint accounts never worked for us. Our accounting methods are totally, absolutely incompatible. We split up the bills. I pay the mortgage which pretty much equalizes our incomes. She pays the phone bill, so that I can't whine about the 2-3 hour long distance calls to her sisters. The rest are pretty much 50/50.

amonkie · 12-06-2010, 10:18 AM

I'm not sure how I'll be about this. I've gone to extensive lengths to ensure that I am the only person responsible for my expenses - no roommates or shared expenses. As a result I have to cover all my bills but I'm also the only person who gets to decide how the money gets spent.

GreyWolf · 12-06-2010, 11:29 AM

My wife & I have had only common accounts only for our entire 25+ years of marriage. We've never questioned each other about expenses beyond "Did you write that cheque/Did you spend $xxx at this store?" We've been lucky to have steady jobs, but never worried about whose money was whose. It was all ours.

That said, most of our friends think we're rather odd that way, & I've begun to agree with them. Not that I have any desire to be a "secret spender" even now, I just have come to the conclusion that most people are uncomfortable (and justifiably so) in giving up that much of their independence.

While it is strange to me because I don't worry that my wife will ever spend a lot of money (at once, or in total) without at least letting me know, I would counsel my children to have some sort of arrangement like Snowy that ensures they have some money that they don't have to account for.

Wes Mantooth · 12-06-2010, 01:16 PM

I live alone but have in the past shared an apartment and expenses with girlfriends but never was a secret spender, I don't think any of my girlfriends were either. I've always felt in those situations there were certain obligations we both needed to meet. Were the bills paid? Did we get what we needed at the grocery store? The car gassed up? If we'd met those obligations then the money left over, that we'd earned, was respectively ours and we could spend it how we saw fit.

I'm sure marriage and building a life together is a little more complex but if you've met your obligations nobody should ever have to hide something they purchased with money they've earned...

...unless its that porn cache you've got hiding in the garage behind your work bench, then its perfectly justified.

Suzz04 · 12-09-2010, 08:54 AM

we're not married, and we have separate checking accounts. but we do things pretty much like we're married.

he pays certain bills (power, phone & part of cable) and takes care of the groceries. he smokes and takes care of that himself. i pay the other bills (rent, game subscriptions, rest of cable) and make sure what we need in household supplies. we don't question each other on some things, like something under 50$.

however, if we're purchasing something and we feel it's something that needs to be discussed, we will. say like, the collector's edition of a game. we'll talk about it and then we'll look at the expenses and go "well, we can get that now" if things are good, or "we need to wait until next month" if things aren't good.

he knows that i have my little game site that i order some games from. it's a membership that gives me a discounts. i have "splurge" money set aside for if there's extra games that i want. we discussed it, and he saw my logic on it, as well as keeps me out of boredom if i run out of things to do.

we're upfront and honest with each other about our money. it might be in separate accounts but it's a our thing not his and hers.

Lasereth · 12-09-2010, 12:51 PM

Hmm. All of my money and all of my wife's money go into a join account and I hate it. It's definitely the easiest way to pay the bills but I feel like I don't work for money, I just work for a certain lifestyle, and I would rather be on top of my money than it going into a pool.

For the OP, how do you feel about this: If I earn $600 a paycheck and she earns $400 a paycheck, but our bills are $700 total, then she should pay $350 and I should pay $350.

Why should I have to pay 60% of the $700 instead of half? We're both tied to our bills, and we're married, so the monthly expenses should be split down the middle. IMO it's unfair to make the husband pay more of the bills simply because he makes more money. Punished for being successful much???

bagatelle · 12-09-2010, 01:03 PM

Well, we have separate accounts, each gets their own salaries to their own bank account. We both have rights to use the any of the accounts though, so the money is common. At the times, when we had to put everything together to cope, it was a must. Everything earned was spent on family, house, necessary payments.

Since my husband these days also gets some incomes from farming, I think he has become more loose with the money. I don't like that he has spent quite a lot on mobilephones and getting them for kids without negoatiating with me first. Also many other purchases haven't been thoroughly discussed, so we end up spending a lot more than we would, if we planned things better.

snowy · 12-09-2010, 04:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lasereth

Hmm. All of my money and all of my wife's money go into a join account and I hate it. It's definitely the easiest way to pay the bills but I feel like I don't work for money, I just work for a certain lifestyle, and I would rather be on top of my money than it going into a pool.

For the OP, how do you feel about this: If I earn $600 a paycheck and she earns $400 a paycheck, but our bills are $700 total, then she should pay $350 and I should pay $350.

Why should I have to pay 60% of the $700 instead of half? We're both tied to our bills, and we're married, so the monthly expenses should be split down the middle. IMO it's unfair to make the husband pay more of the bills simply because he makes more money. Punished for being successful much???

The reverse is that the less successful person is punished for not being successful, not earning as much, or for choosing a career for altruistic reasons instead of strictly monetary ones. We used to do a 50/50 split on expenses before we were married, and I never had money of my own after bills were paid. I had to completely cut out a lot of "feminine" expenses--a nice outfit for a special occasion, makeup, haircuts, etc., because unless he agreed to purchase those things for me, I didn't have money for them. I didn't have money for going out with friends. I could only go out if he was going out too. Now, I have money to go out with friends, regardless of whether he comes along or not. Ultimately, it's a savings for him too--he doesn't have to spend money on me the way he used to, and he feels a lot better about that.

My husband is always going to make more money than I do--it's not a matter of success, it's a matter of the fact that engineers make more money than educators, especially educators in early childhood education. So we've created a system we both like, that we both agree with, and allows us both to have our own spending money to do what we want with. It makes me feel good to be able to pick up the tab once in a while.

Also, I should add that we have a clear chore list and division of labor--whoever works more hours gets to take it easier, and the one who works less picks up the slack at home to make up for the difference in monetary contributions. It's also not hard and fast--I actually made more than he did this month, so I contributed more, and sometimes we both do, if our paychecks are bigger than expected.

spindles · 12-09-2010, 04:56 PM

My wife and I have one joint account. I earn most of the money (she is a stay at home mum). Neither of us are big spenders, and will discuss just about everything we buy. I don't have anything to hide - why would I need a separate account?

Lasereth · 12-10-2010, 05:11 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by snowy

The reverse is that the less successful person is punished for not being successful, not earning as much, or for choosing a career for altruistic reasons instead of strictly monetary ones. We used to do a 50/50 split on expenses before we were married, and I never had money of my own after bills were paid. I had to completely cut out a lot of "feminine" expenses--a nice outfit for a special occasion, makeup, haircuts, etc., because unless he agreed to purchase those things for me, I didn't have money for them. I didn't have money for going out with friends. I could only go out if he was going out too. Now, I have money to go out with friends, regardless of whether he comes along or not. Ultimately, it's a savings for him too--he doesn't have to spend money on me the way he used to, and he feels a lot better about that.

My husband is always going to make more money than I do--it's not a matter of success, it's a matter of the fact that engineers make more money than educators, especially educators in early childhood education. So we've created a system we both like, that we both agree with, and allows us both to have our own spending money to do what we want with. It makes me feel good to be able to pick up the tab once in a while.

Also, I should add that we have a clear chore list and division of labor--whoever works more hours gets to take it easier, and the one who works less picks up the slack at home to make up for the difference in monetary contributions. It's also not hard and fast--I actually made more than he did this month, so I contributed more, and sometimes we both do, if our paychecks are bigger than expected.

I understand this point of view, but it still bugs me. Your husband chose to be an engineer and you chose to be a teacher. You're able to make these decisions for altruistic reasons, but that doesn't mean you can discount that you chose to make less money than you could have. This is something that I've argued with myself over for years. Maybe I can get a different grasp on the subject with this thread.

jewels · 12-10-2010, 05:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lasereth

Your husband chose to be an engineer and you chose to be a teacher. You're able to make these decisions for altruistic reasons, but that doesn't mean you can discount that you chose to make less money than you could have. This is something that I've argued with myself over for years. Maybe I can get a different grasp on the subject with this thread.

If prospective teachers were to choose their profession based on salary, they'd probably be engineers instead. It's no fun arguing with yourself, is it?

Grasshopper Green · 12-10-2010, 06:36 AM

Wow, I guess I'm old fashioned compared to most similarly aged folks here. My husband and I have a joint account and it's our money. I currently make more than my husband, but he's made more than me in the past. Even when we lived together prior to marriage we pooled our money - the only time I've ever had a down the middle division of expenses is when I lived with roommates. I'm also not a secret spender. We discuss big purchases when we make them. If I need a new pair of shoes, I just get them. We're not frivolous people.

Lindy · 12-10-2010, 10:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lasereth

Hmm. All of my money and all of my wife's money go into a join account and I hate it. It's definitely the easiest way to pay the bills but I feel like I don't work for money, I just work for a certain lifestyle, and I would rather be on top of my money than it going into a pool.

For the OP, how do you feel about this: If I earn $600 a paycheck and she earns $400 a paycheck, but our bills are $700 total, then she should pay $350 and I should pay $350.

Why should I have to pay 60% of the $700 instead of half? We're both tied to our bills, and we're married, so the monthly expenses should be split down the middle. IMO it's unfair to make the husband pay more of the bills simply because he makes more money. Punished for being successful much???

This is the reverse of the classic argument for the "progressive" income tax. You earn more, therefore you should get to pay a lower (58%) percentage of your income to cover aggregate expenses. She earns less, so should pay a greater (88%) percentage of her income.

Lindy

Lasereth · 12-10-2010, 10:51 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lindy

This is the reverse of the classic argument for the "progressive" income tax. You earn more, therefore you should get to pay a lower (58%) percentage of your income to cover aggregate expenses. She earns less, so should pay a greater (88%) percentage of her income.

Lindy

What does income tax have to do with our bills? And I do earn more, so I should have to pay (percentage wise) less than her for our joint bills. What's so bad about that?

---------- Post added at 01:51 PM ---------- Previous post was at 01:50 PM ----------

Quote:

Originally Posted by jewels

If prospective teachers were to choose their profession based on salary, they'd probably be engineers instead. It's no fun arguing with yourself, is it?

I don't understand your point.

jewels · 12-10-2010, 11:03 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lasereth

What does income tax have to do with our bills? And I do earn more, so I should have to pay (percentage wise) less than her for our joint bills. What's so bad about that?

Quote:

I don't understand your point.

Really ???

Our country shares the expenses we incur, i.e. income tax. Isn't a marriage a union of two people who commit to sharing all things, including expense?

My point was that we don't necessarily choose a career based on it's salary. Your point had claimed that you shouldn't be penalized for your wife's career choice.

Jinn · 12-10-2010, 01:45 PM

Quote:

The reverse is that the less successful person is punished for not being successful, not earning as much, or for choosing a career for altruistic reasons instead of strictly monetary ones. We used to do a 50/50 split on expenses before we were married, and I never had money of my own after bills were paid. I had to completely cut out a lot of "feminine" expenses--a nice outfit for a special occasion, makeup, haircuts, etc., because unless he agreed to purchase those things for me, I didn't have money for them. I didn't have money for going out with friends. I could only go out if he was going out too. Now, I have money to go out with friends, regardless of whether he comes along or not. Ultimately, it's a savings for him too--he doesn't have to spend money on me the way he used to, and he feels a lot better about that.

Surprise, surprise.. same boat as snowy. We did the 50/50 split for a while, but with me making nearly twice what she does (I'm an Engineer, she works in cancer research) it simply wasn't fair. Las: I understand that you could see it as "punishment" that you have to pay more because you earn more. But because it's a percentage, you still ultimately have more to play with still, it's just closer. I don't feel like I should "punish" someone I love for choosing a career they love instead of a career that makes the same as mine.

Let's say you pull in 2k a week and she pulls in 1k. Your mortgage is 1.5k and all other bills are totally ignored.

If you split it 50/50, you each pay 750. She's got 250 and you've got 1250. If you want to go on a trip to Spain, it's going to take a long ass time for you both to save up, and it's going to mean that if you split everything else 50/50, restaurants, movies, etc. she's going to end up running completely out of money before you. You'll end up footing the bill anyway if you want to keep bringing her along.

If you split it income-wise, you make 2/3 of the shared income, so 66%. She makes 1/3, so 33%. You pay 1000/ she pays 500. Seems rude that you pay more, right? Well, now you've got 1000 to play with and she's got 500 to play with. To me, that's plenty and still more "fair" than 1250/250 would be. You can play together for longer.

It was more essential in my relationship because I've got a higher income but also a higher expectation. So it'd be unreasonable to say I want 40 MBPs internet but expect her to pay 50% of it on her lesser salary.

Eh, that's just my girlfriend and I's take on it.. six years in and it wasn't until year 5.5 that we went from 50/50 to percentage based and I'm happier with the latter, despite individually contributing more.

Wes Mantooth · 12-10-2010, 02:20 PM

If you really want to see unbalanced and unfair look at people like my parents. My mother hasn't held a job since the early 70's and has been a housewife ever since (which used to be the norm), my father brings in 100% of the income yet they treat money as an even 50/50 thing, one big family income pool. Personally I wouldn't mind that if I was married. You're entering into a lifelong bond where you share the burden of everything as a couple, does it really make that much difference who brings in what and how much?

Sure its a little different these days but I can't see getting hung up on who puts more into the pot. As long as we can afford to pay the bills and live the lifestyle we want to live the burden of income should be shared equally regardless of who puts in what.

Jinn · 12-10-2010, 03:10 PM

"they treat money as an even 50/50 thing"

He gives her half his paycheck, and then they each contribute half of their money toward the bills? That's 50/50. What I think you're describing is 100%/0%, and it terribly difficult when you're the 0% person. You should never have to get 'permission' to buy yourself something in a marriage, at least as far as I see it. Even my parents, where my mom works and my dad doesn't, she gives him a monthly amount from her check that is his to spend, without judgement. He can save it, use it, invest it, whatever - it's their deal since he committed to being the 'stay at home' parent. If my girlfriend were to ever become the stay at home parent for my progeny, I'd implement the same procedure. I don't think it's fair to hoard your share of 'influence' (in the form of it being "your money") over your spouse or SO.

Wes Mantooth · 12-10-2010, 04:33 PM

Yeah I suppose I didn't do the best job wording that did I? My point was they split it evenly regardless of where it came from. Its not looked at or treated as 100% his money, its their money and treated as such without much thought to the name on the paycheck. I thought with the discussion tipping towards who makes what it might be interesting to take into account the old fashioned way of doing things when often times only the husband actually made any money and you had no other option but to split amongst the family.

Anyway yeah I agree in a marriage you shouldn't have to get permission to spend, hide what you've spent it on or, one of the worst of cardinal sins in marriage, hold how much you make over the other person.

snowy · 12-10-2010, 06:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jinn

Eh, that's just my girlfriend and I's take on it.. six years in and it wasn't until year 5.5 that we went from 50/50 to percentage based and I'm happier with the latter, despite individually contributing more.

Yeah, this is year 5, and we just figured this out

but we're definitely in better financial shape because of it. While my husband makes more, he's not a money guy. Ask him the balance of his checking account, and he wouldn't have a clue. I am more of the money person, so doing it this way allows me control over the bills and savings.

Cynthetiq · 12-10-2010, 07:31 PM

I used to be a secret spender back when we were single when I spent a suit ton of money on my pot and drinking habits. It was enough that it had a comma in the total for the month. now I don't spend more than $50 without consulting her. It is our money when she was making a salary and still the same now that she isn't bringing in anything.

12-06-2010, 08:45 AM	#1 (permalink)
snowy Kick Ass Kunoichi Location: Oregon	Are you a secret spender? While reading another article on CNN this morning, this piece caught my eye: I'm a secret spender - Hannah Shaner: Hides her shoes (1) - CNNMoney.com Are you a secret spender? Are there things you buy that you hide from your spouse/others? If you're not a secret spender, do you think there are things you do financially that keep you from being a secret spender? My mother was a big secret spender when I was a kid, and so when it came time to set up our finances for marriage (prior to being married, we'd kept everything separate), I deliberately went about it in a way to discourage secret spending. We have a joint checking account and are expected to contribute a certain percentage of our income towards joint expenses; this amount is determined by what percentage of the total household income either of us earn (i.e., if we made a total of $1000/mo, and my paycheck was 400 of that and his was 600, then I would contribute 40% of my paycheck, and he would contribute 60% of his). The rest of our paycheck we are free to keep in our own accounts and spend as we wish. As for the joint account, any expense over $50 has to be agreed upon by both parties, unless it's me going grocery shopping for the month. __________________ If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

12-06-2010, 10:18 AM	#4 (permalink)
amonkie Drifting Administrator Location: Windy City	I'm not sure how I'll be about this. I've gone to extensive lengths to ensure that I am the only person responsible for my expenses - no roommates or shared expenses. As a result I have to cover all my bills but I'm also the only person who gets to decide how the money gets spent. __________________ Calling from deep in the heart, from where the eyes can't see and the ears can't hear, from where the mountain trails end and only love can go... ~~~ Three Rivers Hare Krishna

12-06-2010, 11:29 AM	#5 (permalink)
GreyWolf Sober Location: Eastern Canada	My wife & I have had only common accounts only for our entire 25+ years of marriage. We've never questioned each other about expenses beyond "Did you write that cheque/Did you spend $xxx at this store?" We've been lucky to have steady jobs, but never worried about whose money was whose. It was all ours. That said, most of our friends think we're rather odd that way, & I've begun to agree with them. Not that I have any desire to be a "secret spender" even now, I just have come to the conclusion that most people are uncomfortable (and justifiably so) in giving up that much of their independence. While it is strange to me because I don't worry that my wife will ever spend a lot of money (at once, or in total) without at least letting me know, I would counsel my children to have some sort of arrangement like Snowy that ensures they have some money that they don't have to account for. __________________ *The secret to great marksmanship is deciding what the target was AFTER you've shot.*

12-06-2010, 01:16 PM	#6 (permalink)
Wes Mantooth Junkie Location: Tennessee	I live alone but have in the past shared an apartment and expenses with girlfriends but never was a secret spender, I don't think any of my girlfriends were either. I've always felt in those situations there were certain obligations we both needed to meet. Were the bills paid? Did we get what we needed at the grocery store? The car gassed up? If we'd met those obligations then the money left over, that we'd earned, was respectively ours and we could spend it how we saw fit. I'm sure marriage and building a life together is a little more complex but if you've met your obligations nobody should ever have to hide something they purchased with money they've earned... ...unless its that porn cache you've got hiding in the garage behind your work bench, then its perfectly justified. __________________ “My god I must have missed it...its hell down here!”

12-09-2010, 08:54 AM	#7 (permalink)
Suzz04 Crazy Location: Virginia	we're not married, and we have separate checking accounts. but we do things pretty much like we're married. he pays certain bills (power, phone & part of cable) and takes care of the groceries. he smokes and takes care of that himself. i pay the other bills (rent, game subscriptions, rest of cable) and make sure what we need in household supplies. we don't question each other on some things, like something under 50$. however, if we're purchasing something and we feel it's something that needs to be discussed, we will. say like, the collector's edition of a game. we'll talk about it and then we'll look at the expenses and go "well, we can get that now" if things are good, or "we need to wait until next month" if things aren't good. he knows that i have my little game site that i order some games from. it's a membership that gives me a discounts. i have "splurge" money set aside for if there's extra games that i want. we discussed it, and he saw my logic on it, as well as keeps me out of boredom if i run out of things to do. we're upfront and honest with each other about our money. it might be in separate accounts but it's a our thing not his and hers. __________________ Quantum Cat Theory: Upon hearing the sound of a can being opened, it becomes possible for a cat to travel faster than the speed of light.

12-06-2010, 09:44 AM	#3 (permalink)
StanT © Location: Colorado	I don't hide things from my wife; but I'm not exactly upfront about what they cost, either. She knows and blessed my desktop headphone system ... she doesn't have any idea what it cost. I can afford it, the bills are paid, I kept my last stereo 20+ years. I just don't feel like it's something I need to justify. Joint accounts never worked for us. Our accounting methods are totally, absolutely incompatible. We split up the bills. I pay the mortgage which pretty much equalizes our incomes. She pays the phone bill, so that I can't whine about the 2-3 hour long distance calls to her sisters. The rest are pretty much 50/50.

12-09-2010, 12:51 PM	#8 (permalink)
Lasereth Knight of the Old Republic Location: Winston-Salem, NC	Hmm. All of my money and all of my wife's money go into a join account and I hate it. It's definitely the easiest way to pay the bills but I feel like I don't work for money, I just work for a certain lifestyle, and I would rather be on top of my money than it going into a pool. For the OP, how do you feel about this: If I earn $600 a paycheck and she earns $400 a paycheck, but our bills are $700 total, then she should pay $350 and I should pay $350. Why should I have to pay 60% of the $700 instead of half? We're both tied to our bills, and we're married, so the monthly expenses should be split down the middle. IMO it's unfair to make the husband pay more of the bills simply because he makes more money. Punished for being successful much??? __________________ "A Darwinian attacks his theory, seeking to find flaws. An ID believer defends his theory, seeking to conceal flaws." -Roger Ebert

12-09-2010, 01:03 PM	#9 (permalink)
bagatelle Psycho Location: Europe	Well, we have separate accounts, each gets their own salaries to their own bank account. We both have rights to use the any of the accounts though, so the money is common. At the times, when we had to put everything together to cope, it was a must. Everything earned was spent on family, house, necessary payments. Since my husband these days also gets some incomes from farming, I think he has become more loose with the money. I don't like that he has spent quite a lot on mobilephones and getting them for kids without negoatiating with me first. Also many other purchases haven't been thoroughly discussed, so we end up spending a lot more than we would, if we planned things better.

12-09-2010, 04:56 PM	#11 (permalink)
spindles Mine is an evil laugh Location: Sydney, Australia	My wife and I have one joint account. I earn most of the money (she is a stay at home mum). Neither of us are big spenders, and will discuss just about everything we buy. I don't have anything to hide - why would I need a separate account? __________________ who hid my keyboard's PANIC button?

12-10-2010, 06:36 AM	#14 (permalink)
Grasshopper Green ...is a comical chap Location: Where morons reign supreme	Wow, I guess I'm old fashioned compared to most similarly aged folks here. My husband and I have a joint account and it's our money. I currently make more than my husband, but he's made more than me in the past. Even when we lived together prior to marriage we pooled our money - the only time I've ever had a down the middle division of expenses is when I lived with roommates. I'm also not a secret spender. We discuss big purchases when we make them. If I need a new pair of shoes, I just get them. We're not frivolous people. __________________ "They say that patriotism is the last refuge to which a scoundrel clings; steal a little and they throw you in jail, steal a lot and they make you king" Formerly Medusa

12-10-2010, 02:20 PM	#19 (permalink)
Wes Mantooth Junkie Location: Tennessee	If you really want to see unbalanced and unfair look at people like my parents. My mother hasn't held a job since the early 70's and has been a housewife ever since (which used to be the norm), my father brings in 100% of the income yet they treat money as an even 50/50 thing, one big family income pool. Personally I wouldn't mind that if I was married. You're entering into a lifelong bond where you share the burden of everything as a couple, does it really make that much difference who brings in what and how much? Sure its a little different these days but I can't see getting hung up on who puts more into the pot. As long as we can afford to pay the bills and live the lifestyle we want to live the burden of income should be shared equally regardless of who puts in what. __________________ “My god I must have missed it...its hell down here!”

12-10-2010, 03:10 PM	#20 (permalink)
Jinn Lover - Protector - Teacher Location: Seattle, WA	"they treat money as an even 50/50 thing" He gives her half his paycheck, and then they each contribute half of their money toward the bills? That's 50/50. What I think you're describing is 100%/0%, and it terribly difficult when you're the 0% person. You should never have to get 'permission' to buy yourself something in a marriage, at least as far as I see it. Even my parents, where my mom works and my dad doesn't, she gives him a monthly amount from her check that is his to spend, without judgement. He can save it, use it, invest it, whatever - it's their deal since he committed to being the 'stay at home' parent. If my girlfriend were to ever become the stay at home parent for my progeny, I'd implement the same procedure. I don't think it's fair to hoard your share of 'influence' (in the form of it being "your money") over your spouse or SO. __________________ "I'm typing on a computer of science, which is being sent by science wires to a little science server where you can access it. I'm not typing on a computer of philosophy or religion or whatever other thing you think can be used to understand the universe because they're a poor substitute in the role of understanding the universe which exists independent from ourselves." - Willravel

12-10-2010, 04:33 PM	#21 (permalink)
Wes Mantooth Junkie Location: Tennessee	Yeah I suppose I didn't do the best job wording that did I? My point was they split it evenly regardless of where it came from. Its not looked at or treated as 100% his money, its their money and treated as such without much thought to the name on the paycheck. I thought with the discussion tipping towards who makes what it might be interesting to take into account the old fashioned way of doing things when often times only the husband actually made any money and you had no other option but to split amongst the family. Anyway yeah I agree in a marriage you shouldn't have to get permission to spend, hide what you've spent it on or, one of the worst of cardinal sins in marriage, hold how much you make over the other person. __________________ “My god I must have missed it...its hell down here!”

12-10-2010, 07:31 PM	#23 (permalink)
Cynthetiq Tilted Cat Head Administrator Location: Manhattan, NY	I used to be a secret spender back when we were single when I spent a suit ton of money on my pot and drinking habits. It was enough that it had a comma in the total for the month. now I don't spend more than $50 without consulting her. It is our money when she was making a salary and still the same now that she isn't bringing in anything. __________________ I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not. What's the best nation in the world? DO-NATION!