Loss, regret and insanity... - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

katyg · 08-01-2010, 03:13 PM

Hey,

I am sorry this is so long, I just want to purge:

I have posted on here in the past during my last relationship and I feel now at a point where I don't want to discuss it with my friends and how it all turned out. For one, I don't want to be that miserable person who gets drunk and expects pity, and also I cannot be entirely honest about it all without demonising my partner and I wouldn't want to wish this upon him regardless of the mistakes made.

We dated for 5 years and met through a friend, the moment I saw him I felt an instant attraction and after a few weeks we were dating and things were so good. I knew he smoked cannabis and back then I did too from time to time, as we grew closer I could see this was an issue, he was also immature, and always (as it was his first relationship I guess), a little unsure of expressing his feelings.

We first broke up because we were wanting different things, he wanted to smoke and hang out in his shared house with his friends who all rode bmx - we argued and I broke it off. He lived with a guy I had once kissed but never liked nor trusted - we we split this came out and he kissed a girl in plain view of me and it hurt me deeply. Revenge I guess.

Eventually things settled, we got back together and he moved in, the cannabis and his reluctance (or inability) to open up to me caused tensions again. I always felt insecure and disposable, never quite good enough - he always seemed so internal, so into weed as well.

He went on holiday with his family to China and came back clean - a week later he broke it off, a row ensued and he said to me when I asked why 'you're ugly, you have a horrible face'. I was crushed. My best friend, and my boyfriend saying that. He then did everything he could to win me back and again, things went back to good.

As things went on, the weed became more of an issue for me - it seemed to be the crux of our problems, his problems and then I began to see a pattern emerge. Whenever he would quit he would become erratic, he once even punched a colleague and got the sack.

His past sounded difficult, I am lucky in that my parents have always been good to me, even if they aren't big on emotions - his mum used to beat him and his father was quiet and moody. They did not seem like bad people now, in the present but I can imagine physical abuse can mark a psyche.

The year before last, coming up to christmas he was trying to kick the habit again, I left the oven on by mistake and huge row ensued, it was strange to watch him get so angry and he left again. That new year I went out and got very drunk and ended up with the friend he once lived with, I couldn't go through with sleeping with him and made him leave, he was my friend but I didn't want that, my ex rang and admitted to doing a similar thing - he promised to quit weed and we spent 4-5 months together that were calm, loving and fun.

He started up again, and from there it spiralled down. We had two big blazing rows after Christmas this year (when I decided enough was enough) and both times he was aggressive with me, the last row he hit me and broke things in the house. He was so cruel, he was like a stranger to me.

We attempted to be friends after he left. But I couldn't be friends, I still loved this person who turned my life upside down. One minute, he would be so attentive and kind, the next I saw his tempers again - a week ago, I phoned him.

I told him I could not see him anymore, he didn't even sound upset, I cried and put down the phone. His mother has told him I left her an abusive message on her answering machine (I have no memory of this and checked my phone records as well), I sent my ex a text saying I had written her a letter apologising - not even mentioning said phonecall - in my eyes I must have done something at some point to upset her enough to say that and I wanted to end things amicably. I didn't think this was a nasty or odd thing to do when she and him were part of my life all that time, I had even spent christmas there.

The next day I got a barrage of abusive messages and they were threatening and scary, I got the police involved and now he cannot contact me, he blamed his anger on the fact that I was 'trying to cause trouble in his family' - this was not my motive and 'that his father has cancer' - I felt that this was part of the reason i wanted the air clear with them, since we all live in the same area and are bound to cross paths, I didn't want any awkwardness or bad feelings. It was a very strong, confusing reaction to me.

Since then, there has been no contact, but I guess I am left without any closure on things, or understanding of who or what was at fault.

I am left at a loss about this relationship.
In the past I have never stood up for any partner that long, and had faith in them - I always got out first, I have never seen a temper on a person like him, and I cannot make sense of it, nor why I or anybody else brought it out in him. I tried to get him to a doctor, or therapy, I could see this is how it would end.

I feel quite empty, confused about the nature of him and why he has such a jekyll/hyde personality, I feel ashamed sometimes that perhaps I am a victim - a weak person, when I thought I was being strong - I thought I was confident, now I feel weak, I though I had a future with this person. What troubles me the most, is the whole incident with his mum - it must be lies - but who's lying?

Whilst sometimes I questioned his sanity, I am beginning to wonder if he has affected mine. On my worst days I feel invisible and old. I am only 29 and I shouldn't be feeling this...should I try to make sense of this? Is it right to? Do I hate him? We never seemed to grow apart, he just seemed to lose it.

I always search for answers and I don't feel I have any. At his best he was my best friend, at his worse, a complete stranger.

soma · 08-01-2010, 03:57 PM

Sounds like a really bad relationship overall
Good that you're out of it now
I wouldn't try to find closure or contact him
Seems best to just move on

dlish · 08-01-2010, 05:59 PM

breaking the restraining order by contacting him will only give him an excuse to contact you in the future and abuse you further.

can you see health professional in your area?

katyg · 08-01-2010, 09:59 PM

I do not wish to contact him, I just cannot understand it all or make sense of it, so I feel like I can't move on.

remy1492 · 08-01-2010, 10:29 PM

You are in the prime years to find somebody and perhaps later settle down. Time is ticking and he is wasting it, you should not.

You already seem to know that this guy is self-destructive and bad news.
The question is:
Are you the type that wants a person like that, to fulfill your own needs of taking care of a self destructive dramatic person and have excitement.
OR
Are you the type who wants a normal (and sometimes boring) and stable person you can invest in and not worry about?

Nobody wants to let go of what they HAVE for the UNKNOWN. But really, in this case, take the unknown future. Trust us, move on and be strong.
It will be ok to look back and reflect emotionally, but don't GO back. We all have baggage and past relationships to stew over and I think you will keep stewing on it until one day you find happiness in something or somebody else.

Regardless, press forward, smile and live life, there is no other way.

katyg · 08-02-2010, 05:46 AM

I have thought about what you guys have said, and I do believe it is better to be away from someone like that.

But an apology would have been good I guess, but my friends tell me not to expect it.

lurkette · 08-02-2010, 05:59 AM

An apology at this point is irrelevant. It sounds as though things had to get way beyond bad for you to finally see how abusive and unhealthy the relationship was and leave it.

It's difficult to move on when you feel so confused, I know, so now might be a really good time to do some mental/spiritual inventory. Look as clearly as you can (either with a counselor or on your own) at what you can be responsible for in the relationship, whether it's actions you took, things you did or didn't communicate, things you put up with that you didn't want. If you can find the roots of things, great. Look at which of your own behaviors, thoughts, patterns, etc. you want to change. Everything else - the sudden personality shift, the violence - is his and his alone. You are responsible for your reaction to it (staying when you might have gone instead, behaviors that were irresponsible) but not for his behavior.

I wish you the best, and I hope you can look at this as an opportunity to do some real soul-searching and shift the patterns you've carried with you to this point. You're at an age that, in my experience, is a time of change and growth and upheaval for a lot of people. Don't waste the chance to make some real changes in your life; they may feel painful at first but you'll be more yourself for it, if that makes any sense.

dlish · 08-02-2010, 06:54 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lurkette

An apology at this point is irrelevant. It sounds as though things had to get way beyond bad for you to finally see how abusive and unhealthy the relationship was and leave it.

It's difficult to move on when you feel so confused, I know, so now might be a really good time to do some mental/spiritual inventory. Look as clearly as you can (either with a counselor or on your own) at what you can be responsible for in the relationship, whether it's actions you took, things you did or didn't communicate, things you put up with that you didn't want. If you can find the roots of things, great. Look at which of your own behaviors, thoughts, patterns, etc. you want to change. Everything else - the sudden personality shift, the violence - is his and his alone. You are responsible for your reaction to it (staying when you might have gone instead, behaviors that were irresponsible) but not for his behavior.

I wish you the best, and I hope you can look at this as an opportunity to do some real soul-searching and shift the patterns you've carried with you to this point. You're at an age that, in my experience, is a time of change and growth and upheaval for a lot of people. Don't waste the chance to make some real changes in your life; they may feel painful at first but you'll be more yourself for it, if that makes any sense.

QFT
this is why i love having Lurkette back on TFP

Xazy · 08-02-2010, 07:16 AM

I am glad to hear you are out of this abusive individual. It is easy to love and care for someone but you also have to realize now how lucky you are, he obviously has his own issues that he has never resolved and violence and agression is a part of who he is.

The real point for you now is to figure out who you are, who you want to be and why you considered it acceptable and willing to stay in a relationship with such an individual for so long. I will even say therapy to help you figure that out you might find very useful.

I would reiterate what you know and have stated, but stay away from him, he sounds like an unhealthy individual who you emotionally still have some form of attachment to.

Idyllic · 08-02-2010, 07:19 AM

How will an apology from him make anything any better, if you happen to believe he is truly sorry then you may find redemption in him, and in that forgiveness consider taking him back which would be, in my opinion, a foolish decision after all you've told us about the relationship (especially if it has progressed to him physically hurting you).

If however you recognize that at this point the only true apology you need is the one you make to yourself for allowing your mind to waste this much time on an abusive relationship and then accept it to yourself that you are human and we all make mistakes, and move on, find love again with someone that can love you back the way you deserve.

An apology from this guy to me would be like a slap in the face after all he did, is that really what you want, for him to admit he is sorry, you already know he is "sorry" the question is can you forgive yourself for investing so much energy and effort into the relationship that ended in your pain. Forgive yourself, we all make rotten choices (if you are waiting for him to say, yeah, you were right and it was all my fault, you are wasting your time, you need to spend some time angry at him for the years you wasted on his sorry ass)...... move on katyg, if you really want him to be sorry, have a good life without him, show him what he missed out on, eventually what he thinks and/or what you thought about him just won't matter anymore and happiness will replace all this drama, don't become addicted to drama, it's very enticingly destructive and eventually progresses into something that will cause you insanity.

Forgive yourself, forget about him, go out there and do something for yourself, go back to school, go learn a trade of some sort, do something to better yourself for you, do something for yourself you can be proud of, go build some of that self-confidence in katyg, build back the belief in yourself in your instincts that he took from you and live a stronger life than before you meet him because now you know what you will not permit to happen in another relationship, grow from this, use this experience to make you stronger, you really do deserve to be treated right, you really do deserve to be loved, now get out there and live, for yourself. Good luck and don't give up, time and patience and living for yourself, fighting for and really believing you deserve your own happiness will see you through this.

p.s. who cares what his family thinks, they are his shelter not yours, and apparently they aren't the kind of shelter that harbored a very nice boy.

Cimarron29414 · 08-02-2010, 07:42 AM

Every time you ask yourself "why...?" - remember, he's an addict. That's what addicts do. Find peace in that answer, as it is the sad truth.

Sure, at times, you may have been an enabler and you may feel regret for some time lost on yourself. You have risen out of that now. You truly have taken the most difficult step.

Go enroll in ballroom dance classes. Seriously.

katyg · 08-02-2010, 08:10 AM

I find music gives me the most comfort:

YouTube - Stars - Your Ex-Lover Is Dead

I guess I feel yes I probably was an enabler, but it certainly didn't feel like a choice, each time he would go back to drugs and the fighting started - I would ask him to leave. He would cry, look me in the eye and promise to change - it's hard to get rid of someone you want to be with, I am a romantic and until it became violent in the last dying weeks I held out hope.

Hope dies last.

I have never had a similar situation, I do not feel it's a pattern in my attachments, just unlucky and naive, perhaps trying to hard - thinking I could 'fix' someone. I wanted to make him happy and give him a safe place, and in doing so, I made myself well, not myself anymore. I was paranoid, lost my confidence and smile.

I have started to exercise more, joined a jewellery class, a photography class and begun to socialise a lot more. I am trying to move on.

I am tempted to move out of my flat (which I own) to living with friends and rent this place out, should I get rid of all the things that remind me? Photos etc? Is that healthy or destructive?

freeload · 08-02-2010, 08:30 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by katyg

...and in doing so, I made myself well, not myself anymore. I was paranoid, lost my confidence and smile.

I have started to exercise more, joined a jewellery class, a photography class and begun to socialise a lot more. I am trying to move on.

Sounds like you're on your way to find yourself again. When you "bend" and adapt too much it's easy to loose your true identity - finding back to mine is a journey still not completed.

By taking up activities you like, you are doing something for you - because you want to. Sound like your on the right track

Burning, throwing away or keeping memories - it all depends on how they make you feel. If they put you down - makes you feel bad then burn them.
If you can look at them and remember how your life was - both the good and bad stuff - and realize you have grown, then they are just memories - a proof you have lived, loved, lost and moved on.

My wise mom once told me the path you have traveled in life has made you the wonderful person you are today.

lurkette · 08-02-2010, 11:24 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by katyg

I guess I feel yes I probably was an enabler, but it certainly didn't feel like a choice, each time he would go back to drugs and the fighting started - I would ask him to leave. He would cry, look me in the eye and promise to change - it's hard to get rid of someone you want to be with, I am a romantic and until it became violent in the last dying weeks I held out hope.

It may not have felt like a choice, but it was. The best thing you can do now is be grateful that he gave you the chance to learn some lessons (even if they were painful) about where to draw the line.

Quote:

I have never had a similar situation, I do not feel it's a pattern in my attachments, just unlucky and naive, perhaps trying to hard - thinking I could 'fix' someone. I wanted to make him happy and give him a safe place, and in doing so, I made myself well, not myself anymore. I was paranoid, lost my confidence and smile.

I'm glad this isn't a pattern for you and that you can see your part in it. It's not that anything you did was wrong exactly - there are millions of people who have done the same thing, staying with someone who was bad for them. But the power is in making sure you are responsible for why you stayed. You owe that to yourself.

Quote:

I have started to exercise more, joined a jewellery class, a photography class and begun to socialise a lot more. I am trying to move on.

I am tempted to move out of my flat (which I own) to living with friends and rent this place out, should I get rid of all the things that remind me? Photos etc? Is that healthy or destructive?

I don't know about making such a clean break - on one hand, it could be a good way to start completely new. On the other hand, if it feels like running away from memories and thoughts you want to escape, it may be more useful to confront them head on. Only you can really know which of these is driving that decision.

I don't think it's necessarily either healthy or destructive to throw away photos and mementos...if you think having them around is going to weaken your resolve, then by all means get rid of them. Or give them to a friend with instructions not to let you see them again for 5 years.

katyg · 08-02-2010, 01:50 PM

This is what love should feel like:

YouTube - Edward Sharpe and The Magnetic Zeros - Home - Official Video

Thanks everyone, much good advice and things for me to focus on

x

Anonymous Member · 08-03-2010, 08:16 AM

Some old wounds from this situation.

There are a couple of situations that are similar for me and ring true to my past.

After a long hiatus of dating, I started seeing a coworker. She and were kind of setup by the company busy body. We dated for a long while, and all during that time, she knew my drinking and drugging habits. They weren't a surprise and I didn't hide them from her. They were part and parcel of who I was at the time. I had no idea of addiction, well more denial about it and no desire for what I coined as a four letter word, moderation.

Over time she thought I should or would change.

She tried to get into the lifestyle I chose, smoking a joint here and there, and binge drinking with me. She'd get drunk and start being a belligerent drunk, sometimes accusing me of making passes at her friends who were visiting with their boyfriends.

But eventually she told me that she couldn't do it any longer. We just wanted different things and didn't have any ideas as to truly where to go in our relationship.

I've tried talking to her again a couple years ago when our paths crossed again. I wanted to see her to talk to her about that time in my life. It wasn't the high point of the addiction but it was the build up to the hidden parts of my life. We've never gotten together, but I try to find out if we can go for coffee from time to time but it just never works out.

fast forward to my current relationship. My wife was told when we started dating that she couldn't ever tell me to stop smoking pot. She was fine it with it. It was the harder drug use that she couldn't tolerate, finding me strung out on the sofa in the middle of the night or early mornings.

We'd fight from time to time about it. I'd promise to change, and I would for a period of time then it would start up again. The last time was a number of years ago. With the help of some friends, she had an intervention and I went to rehab for 28 days.

damn it still hurts to think about this.

katyg · 08-03-2010, 04:12 PM

I think it's very brave that you have managed to get through it and are able to now look back.

katyg · 08-08-2010, 12:10 PM

I have learnt my lesson in my dealings with this person in the past few days.

I held out an olive branch and sent him an email wishing him and his family well for the future, despite everything that happened.

He then complained that I was harassing him, and has made up a whole heap of lies making me out to be the unbalanced one. I have learnt that some people only know anger, not forgiveness - nor do they deserve pity as they try to bring people down in order to make their despicable behaviour look sane.

I even said I would never contact him again, yet he still had to be 'one up'. A waste of 5 years, a pathetic liar of a boy and sad product of his poor choices.

I have nothing to be ashamed of and I feel relieved I am away from his mess.

lurkette · 08-08-2010, 02:42 PM

Um....why did you even contact him? It sounded like you had decided (and we had all pretty much confirmed) that contacting him was a bad idea. It just gave him an opening to drag you back into the drama. You might want to look at your motivations for that "olive branch." I'm glad you feel relieved and well rid of him, but how "rid" of him are you if you keep inventing excuses to connect with him in some way?

katyg · 08-08-2010, 10:59 PM

I can honestly say all I wanted was to feel at peace and like the last 5 years weren't wasted.

I guess I have to find peace just putting it out of my mind.

remy1492 · 08-08-2010, 11:15 PM

Move on, dont contact the person. Yeah its tough but so is anything worthwhile.

You still have some sort of illusion of that relationship that is nowhere near reality.

We've all been there, just take our advice and do the hard part, go forward and don't look back! When you are feeling weak or pensive do something to distract yourself.

When I was feeling the way you do, wanting to remorse or make some sort of meaning from the relatinship mess I left, I went to hang around other people. A cafe or bookstore, club, whatever. Anything to get my mind out of that gutter of the past it wandered to so often. Then after TIME, it happened less and less and life got to normal again. But yeah, it takes TIME, so be patient and pay it forward.

08-01-2010, 03:13 PM	#1 (permalink)
katyg Tilted	Loss, regret and insanity... Hey, I am sorry this is so long, I just want to purge: I have posted on here in the past during my last relationship and I feel now at a point where I don't want to discuss it with my friends and how it all turned out. For one, I don't want to be that miserable person who gets drunk and expects pity, and also I cannot be entirely honest about it all without demonising my partner and I wouldn't want to wish this upon him regardless of the mistakes made. We dated for 5 years and met through a friend, the moment I saw him I felt an instant attraction and after a few weeks we were dating and things were so good. I knew he smoked cannabis and back then I did too from time to time, as we grew closer I could see this was an issue, he was also immature, and always (as it was his first relationship I guess), a little unsure of expressing his feelings. We first broke up because we were wanting different things, he wanted to smoke and hang out in his shared house with his friends who all rode bmx - we argued and I broke it off. He lived with a guy I had once kissed but never liked nor trusted - we we split this came out and he kissed a girl in plain view of me and it hurt me deeply. Revenge I guess. Eventually things settled, we got back together and he moved in, the cannabis and his reluctance (or inability) to open up to me caused tensions again. I always felt insecure and disposable, never quite good enough - he always seemed so internal, so into weed as well. He went on holiday with his family to China and came back clean - a week later he broke it off, a row ensued and he said to me when I asked why 'you're ugly, you have a horrible face'. I was crushed. My best friend, and my boyfriend saying that. He then did everything he could to win me back and again, things went back to good. As things went on, the weed became more of an issue for me - it seemed to be the crux of our problems, his problems and then I began to see a pattern emerge. Whenever he would quit he would become erratic, he once even punched a colleague and got the sack. His past sounded difficult, I am lucky in that my parents have always been good to me, even if they aren't big on emotions - his mum used to beat him and his father was quiet and moody. They did not seem like bad people now, in the present but I can imagine physical abuse can mark a psyche. The year before last, coming up to christmas he was trying to kick the habit again, I left the oven on by mistake and huge row ensued, it was strange to watch him get so angry and he left again. That new year I went out and got very drunk and ended up with the friend he once lived with, I couldn't go through with sleeping with him and made him leave, he was my friend but I didn't want that, my ex rang and admitted to doing a similar thing - he promised to quit weed and we spent 4-5 months together that were calm, loving and fun. He started up again, and from there it spiralled down. We had two big blazing rows after Christmas this year (when I decided enough was enough) and both times he was aggressive with me, the last row he hit me and broke things in the house. He was so cruel, he was like a stranger to me. We attempted to be friends after he left. But I couldn't be friends, I still loved this person who turned my life upside down. One minute, he would be so attentive and kind, the next I saw his tempers again - a week ago, I phoned him. I told him I could not see him anymore, he didn't even sound upset, I cried and put down the phone. His mother has told him I left her an abusive message on her answering machine (I have no memory of this and checked my phone records as well), I sent my ex a text saying I had written her a letter apologising - not even mentioning said phonecall - in my eyes I must have done something at some point to upset her enough to say that and I wanted to end things amicably. I didn't think this was a nasty or odd thing to do when she and him were part of my life all that time, I had even spent christmas there. The next day I got a barrage of abusive messages and they were threatening and scary, I got the police involved and now he cannot contact me, he blamed his anger on the fact that I was 'trying to cause trouble in his family' - this was not my motive and 'that his father has cancer' - I felt that this was part of the reason i wanted the air clear with them, since we all live in the same area and are bound to cross paths, I didn't want any awkwardness or bad feelings. It was a very strong, confusing reaction to me. Since then, there has been no contact, but I guess I am left without any closure on things, or understanding of who or what was at fault. I am left at a loss about this relationship. In the past I have never stood up for any partner that long, and had faith in them - I always got out first, I have never seen a temper on a person like him, and I cannot make sense of it, nor why I or anybody else brought it out in him. I tried to get him to a doctor, or therapy, I could see this is how it would end. I feel quite empty, confused about the nature of him and why he has such a jekyll/hyde personality, I feel ashamed sometimes that perhaps I am a victim - a weak person, when I thought I was being strong - I thought I was confident, now I feel weak, I though I had a future with this person. What troubles me the most, is the whole incident with his mum - it must be lies - but who's lying? Whilst sometimes I questioned his sanity, I am beginning to wonder if he has affected mine. On my worst days I feel invisible and old. I am only 29 and I shouldn't be feeling this...should I try to make sense of this? Is it right to? Do I hate him? We never seemed to grow apart, he just seemed to lose it. I always search for answers and I don't feel I have any. At his best he was my best friend, at his worse, a complete stranger. __________________ "We make a living by what we get but we make a life by what we give" Winston Churchill

08-01-2010, 03:57 PM	#2 (permalink)
soma Addict Location: USA	Sounds like a really bad relationship overall Good that you're out of it now I wouldn't try to find closure or contact him Seems best to just move on __________________ Having Girl Problems?

08-01-2010, 05:59 PM	#3 (permalink)
dlish Currently sour but formerly Dlishs Super Moderator Location: Australia/UAE	breaking the restraining order by contacting him will only give him an excuse to contact you in the future and abuse you further. can you see health professional in your area? __________________ An injustice anywhere, is an injustice everywhere I always sign my facebook comments with ()()===========(}. Does that make me gay? - Filthy

08-01-2010, 09:59 PM	#4 (permalink)
katyg Tilted	I do not wish to contact him, I just cannot understand it all or make sense of it, so I feel like I can't move on. __________________ "We make a living by what we get but we make a life by what we give" Winston Churchill

08-02-2010, 05:46 AM	#6 (permalink)
katyg Tilted	I have thought about what you guys have said, and I do believe it is better to be away from someone like that. But an apology would have been good I guess, but my friends tell me not to expect it. __________________ "We make a living by what we get but we make a life by what we give" Winston Churchill

08-01-2010, 10:29 PM	#5 (permalink)
remy1492 Crazy Location: CA TX LU	You are in the prime years to find somebody and perhaps later settle down. Time is ticking and he is wasting it, you should not. You already seem to know that this guy is self-destructive and bad news. The question is: Are you the type that wants a person like that, to fulfill your own needs of taking care of a self destructive dramatic person and have excitement. OR Are you the type who wants a normal (and sometimes boring) and stable person you can invest in and not worry about? Nobody wants to let go of what they HAVE for the UNKNOWN. But really, in this case, take the unknown future. Trust us, move on and be strong. It will be ok to look back and reflect emotionally, but don't GO back. We all have baggage and past relationships to stew over and I think you will keep stewing on it until one day you find happiness in something or somebody else. Regardless, press forward, smile and live life, there is no other way.

08-02-2010, 05:59 AM	#7 (permalink)
lurkette My future is coming on Moderator Emeritus Location: east of the sun and west of the moon	An apology at this point is irrelevant. It sounds as though things had to get way beyond bad for you to finally see how abusive and unhealthy the relationship was and leave it. It's difficult to move on when you feel so confused, I know, so now might be a really good time to do some mental/spiritual inventory. Look as clearly as you can (either with a counselor or on your own) at what you can be responsible for in the relationship, whether it's actions you took, things you did or didn't communicate, things you put up with that you didn't want. If you can find the roots of things, great. Look at which of your own behaviors, thoughts, patterns, etc. you want to change. Everything else - the sudden personality shift, the violence - is his and his alone. You are responsible for your reaction to it (staying when you might have gone instead, behaviors that were irresponsible) but not for his behavior. I wish you the best, and I hope you can look at this as an opportunity to do some real soul-searching and shift the patterns you've carried with you to this point. You're at an age that, in my experience, is a time of change and growth and upheaval for a lot of people. Don't waste the chance to make some real changes in your life; they may feel painful at first but you'll be more yourself for it, if that makes any sense. __________________ "If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing." - Anatole France

08-02-2010, 07:16 AM	#9 (permalink)
Xazy People in masks cannot be trusted Location: NYC	I am glad to hear you are out of this abusive individual. It is easy to love and care for someone but you also have to realize now how lucky you are, he obviously has his own issues that he has never resolved and violence and agression is a part of who he is. The real point for you now is to figure out who you are, who you want to be and why you considered it acceptable and willing to stay in a relationship with such an individual for so long. I will even say therapy to help you figure that out you might find very useful. I would reiterate what you know and have stated, but stay away from him, he sounds like an unhealthy individual who you emotionally still have some form of attachment to.

08-02-2010, 07:19 AM	#10 (permalink)
Idyllic Psycho Location: My House	How will an apology from him make anything any better, if you happen to believe he is truly sorry then you may find redemption in him, and in that forgiveness consider taking him back which would be, in my opinion, a foolish decision after all you've told us about the relationship (especially if it has progressed to him physically hurting you). If however you recognize that at this point the only true apology you need is the one you make to yourself for allowing your mind to waste this much time on an abusive relationship and then accept it to yourself that you are human and we all make mistakes, and move on, find love again with someone that can love you back the way you deserve. An apology from this guy to me would be like a slap in the face after all he did, is that really what you want, for him to admit he is sorry, you already know he is "sorry" the question is can you forgive yourself for investing so much energy and effort into the relationship that ended in your pain. Forgive yourself, we all make rotten choices (if you are waiting for him to say, yeah, you were right and it was all my fault, you are wasting your time, you need to spend some time angry at him for the years you wasted on his sorry ass)...... move on katyg, if you really want him to be sorry, have a good life without him, show him what he missed out on, eventually what he thinks and/or what you thought about him just won't matter anymore and happiness will replace all this drama, don't become addicted to drama, it's very enticingly destructive and eventually progresses into something that will cause you insanity. Forgive yourself, forget about him, go out there and do something for yourself, go back to school, go learn a trade of some sort, do something to better yourself for you, do something for yourself you can be proud of, go build some of that self-confidence in katyg, build back the belief in yourself in your instincts that he took from you and live a stronger life than before you meet him because now you know what you will not permit to happen in another relationship, grow from this, use this experience to make you stronger, you really do deserve to be treated right, you really do deserve to be loved, now get out there and live, for yourself. Good luck and don't give up, time and patience and living for yourself, fighting for and really believing you deserve your own happiness will see you through this. p.s. who cares what his family thinks, they are his shelter not yours, and apparently they aren't the kind of shelter that harbored a very nice boy. __________________ you can tell them all you want but it won't matter until they think it does p.s. I contradict my contradictions, with or without intention, sometimes.

08-02-2010, 07:42 AM	#11 (permalink)
Cimarron29414 Still Free Location: comfortably perched at the top of the bell curve!	Every time you ask yourself "why...?" - remember, he's an addict. That's what addicts do. Find peace in that answer, as it is the sad truth. Sure, at times, you may have been an enabler and you may feel regret for some time lost on yourself. You have risen out of that now. You truly have taken the most difficult step. Go enroll in ballroom dance classes. Seriously. __________________ Gives a man a halo, does mead. "Here lies The_Jazz: Killed by an ambitious, sparkly, pink butterfly."

08-03-2010, 08:16 AM	#16 (permalink)
Anonymous Member Addict	Some old wounds from this situation. There are a couple of situations that are similar for me and ring true to my past. After a long hiatus of dating, I started seeing a coworker. She and were kind of setup by the company busy body. We dated for a long while, and all during that time, she knew my drinking and drugging habits. They weren't a surprise and I didn't hide them from her. They were part and parcel of who I was at the time. I had no idea of addiction, well more denial about it and no desire for what I coined as a four letter word, moderation. Over time she thought I should or would change. She tried to get into the lifestyle I chose, smoking a joint here and there, and binge drinking with me. She'd get drunk and start being a belligerent drunk, sometimes accusing me of making passes at her friends who were visiting with their boyfriends. But eventually she told me that she couldn't do it any longer. We just wanted different things and didn't have any ideas as to truly where to go in our relationship. I've tried talking to her again a couple years ago when our paths crossed again. I wanted to see her to talk to her about that time in my life. It wasn't the high point of the addiction but it was the build up to the hidden parts of my life. We've never gotten together, but I try to find out if we can go for coffee from time to time but it just never works out. fast forward to my current relationship. My wife was told when we started dating that she couldn't ever tell me to stop smoking pot. She was fine it with it. It was the harder drug use that she couldn't tolerate, finding me strung out on the sofa in the middle of the night or early mornings. We'd fight from time to time about it. I'd promise to change, and I would for a period of time then it would start up again. The last time was a number of years ago. With the help of some friends, she had an intervention and I went to rehab for 28 days. damn it still hurts to think about this.

08-03-2010, 04:12 PM	#17 (permalink)
katyg Tilted	I think it's very brave that you have managed to get through it and are able to now look back. __________________ "We make a living by what we get but we make a life by what we give" Winston Churchill

08-08-2010, 12:10 PM	#18 (permalink)
katyg Tilted	I have learnt my lesson in my dealings with this person in the past few days. I held out an olive branch and sent him an email wishing him and his family well for the future, despite everything that happened. He then complained that I was harassing him, and has made up a whole heap of lies making me out to be the unbalanced one. I have learnt that some people only know anger, not forgiveness - nor do they deserve pity as they try to bring people down in order to make their despicable behaviour look sane. I even said I would never contact him again, yet he still had to be 'one up'. A waste of 5 years, a pathetic liar of a boy and sad product of his poor choices. I have nothing to be ashamed of and I feel relieved I am away from his mess. __________________ "We make a living by what we get but we make a life by what we give" Winston Churchill

08-08-2010, 02:42 PM	#19 (permalink)
lurkette My future is coming on Moderator Emeritus Location: east of the sun and west of the moon	Um....why did you even contact him? It sounded like you had decided (and we had all pretty much confirmed) that contacting him was a bad idea. It just gave him an opening to drag you back into the drama. You might want to look at your motivations for that "olive branch." I'm glad you feel relieved and well rid of him, but how "rid" of him are you if you keep inventing excuses to connect with him in some way? __________________ "If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing." - Anatole France

08-08-2010, 10:59 PM	#20 (permalink)
katyg Tilted	I can honestly say all I wanted was to feel at peace and like the last 5 years weren't wasted. I guess I have to find peace just putting it out of my mind. __________________ "We make a living by what we get but we make a life by what we give" Winston Churchill

08-08-2010, 11:15 PM	#21 (permalink)
remy1492 Crazy Location: CA TX LU	Move on, dont contact the person. Yeah its tough but so is anything worthwhile. You still have some sort of illusion of that relationship that is nowhere near reality. We've all been there, just take our advice and do the hard part, go forward and don't look back! When you are feeling weak or pensive do something to distract yourself. When I was feeling the way you do, wanting to remorse or make some sort of meaning from the relatinship mess I left, I went to hang around other people. A cafe or bookstore, club, whatever. Anything to get my mind out of that gutter of the past it wandered to so often. Then after TIME, it happened less and less and life got to normal again. But yeah, it takes TIME, so be patient and pay it forward.