Hey,
I am sorry this is so long, I just want to purge:
I have posted on here in the past during my last relationship and I feel now at a point where I don't want to discuss it with my friends and how it all turned out. For one, I don't want to be that miserable person who gets drunk and expects pity, and also I cannot be entirely honest about it all without demonising my partner and I wouldn't want to wish this upon him regardless of the mistakes made.
We dated for 5 years and met through a friend, the moment I saw him I felt an instant attraction and after a few weeks we were dating and things were so good. I knew he smoked cannabis and back then I did too from time to time, as we grew closer I could see this was an issue, he was also immature, and always (as it was his first relationship I guess), a little unsure of expressing his feelings.
We first broke up because we were wanting different things, he wanted to smoke and hang out in his shared house with his friends who all rode bmx - we argued and I broke it off. He lived with a guy I had once kissed but never liked nor trusted - we we split this came out and he kissed a girl in plain view of me and it hurt me deeply. Revenge I guess.
Eventually things settled, we got back together and he moved in, the cannabis and his reluctance (or inability) to open up to me caused tensions again. I always felt insecure and disposable, never quite good enough - he always seemed so internal, so into weed as well.
He went on holiday with his family to China and came back clean - a week later he broke it off, a row ensued and he said to me when I asked why 'you're ugly, you have a horrible face'. I was crushed. My best friend, and my boyfriend saying that. He then did everything he could to win me back and again, things went back to good.
As things went on, the weed became more of an issue for me - it seemed to be the crux of our problems, his problems and then I began to see a pattern emerge. Whenever he would quit he would become erratic, he once even punched a colleague and got the sack.
His past sounded difficult, I am lucky in that my parents have always been good to me, even if they aren't big on emotions - his mum used to beat him and his father was quiet and moody. They did not seem like bad people now, in the present but I can imagine physical abuse can mark a psyche.
The year before last, coming up to christmas he was trying to kick the habit again, I left the oven on by mistake and huge row ensued, it was strange to watch him get so angry and he left again. That new year I went out and got very drunk and ended up with the friend he once lived with, I couldn't go through with sleeping with him and made him leave, he was my friend but I didn't want that, my ex rang and admitted to doing a similar thing - he promised to quit weed and we spent 4-5 months together that were calm, loving and fun.
He started up again, and from there it spiralled down. We had two big blazing rows after Christmas this year (when I decided enough was enough) and both times he was aggressive with me, the last row he hit me and broke things in the house. He was so cruel, he was like a stranger to me.
We attempted to be friends after he left. But I couldn't be friends, I still loved this person who turned my life upside down. One minute, he would be so attentive and kind, the next I saw his tempers again - a week ago, I phoned him.
I told him I could not see him anymore, he didn't even sound upset, I cried and put down the phone. His mother has told him I left her an abusive message on her answering machine (I have no memory of this and checked my phone records as well), I sent my ex a text saying I had written her a letter apologising - not even mentioning said phonecall - in my eyes I must have done something at some point to upset her enough to say that and I wanted to end things amicably. I didn't think this was a nasty or odd thing to do when she and him were part of my life all that time, I had even spent christmas there.
The next day I got a barrage of abusive messages and they were threatening and scary, I got the police involved and now he cannot contact me, he blamed his anger on the fact that I was 'trying to cause trouble in his family' - this was not my motive and 'that his father has cancer' - I felt that this was part of the reason i wanted the air clear with them, since we all live in the same area and are bound to cross paths, I didn't want any awkwardness or bad feelings. It was a very strong, confusing reaction to me.
Since then, there has been no contact, but I guess I am left without any closure on things, or understanding of who or what was at fault.
I am left at a loss about this relationship.
In the past I have never stood up for any partner that long, and had faith in them - I always got out first, I have never seen a temper on a person like him, and I cannot make sense of it, nor why I or anybody else brought it out in him. I tried to get him to a doctor, or therapy, I could see this is how it would end.
I feel quite empty, confused about the nature of him and why he has such a jekyll/hyde personality, I feel ashamed sometimes that perhaps I am a victim - a weak person, when I thought I was being strong - I thought I was confident, now I feel weak, I though I had a future with this person. What troubles me the most, is the whole incident with his mum - it must be lies - but who's lying?
Whilst sometimes I questioned his sanity, I am beginning to wonder if he has affected mine. On my worst days I feel invisible and old. I am only 29 and I shouldn't be feeling this...should I try to make sense of this? Is it right to? Do I hate him? We never seemed to grow apart, he just seemed to lose it.
I always search for answers and I don't feel I have any. At his best he was my best friend, at his worse, a complete stranger.
