Anonymous Member

The following is a rant I sent to a friend of mine. Sharing time.

She came home a little while ago, after I had fed the kids and put them to bed, after working all day. I half-teasingly told her that I'd left the dishes for her. And what do I get? A pissy attitude. And, when after she starts doing the dishes, I start to help in the kitchen, she says "You told me I should do them, so I'll do them." Again with the attitude. Then she left with her friend again to go eat.

The staying out at the pool all afternoon was fine - her friend's husband, who's currently unemployed, watched the kids. At least, once in a while, that sort of thing is fine. Me having to feed the kids and put them to bed by myself is fine. Hell, even if I ended up doing the dishes and cleaning the kitchen too, that's no big deal. But the attitude? Oh, I am fucking pissed off.

Ok, I feel better after venting. A little.

achillesheel

Not trying to say you were right or wrong, nor do I know every detail behind your life or marriage but as far as with my fiancee... even teasing with little things like that can become offensive for reasons that I don't see...

in those situations it's best to put myself in her shoes and either let her cool off and talk the situation over calmly later on or just to continue being kind to her and she realizes she's was pissy for no reason and she apologizes

Manic_Skafe

0:35 = Best relationship conflict resolution advice ever.

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"Porn is a zoo of exotic animals that becomes boring upon ownership." -Nersesian

Xerxys

lol, I really have never gotten this about people. They simply don't want anything they do wrong pointed out at them. The same issue used top plague me with my parents and sisters. The pissy attitude almost ensured they got away with murder in the house.

But hey, glad you feel better.

Iliftrocks

This seems to work for me when someone is being pissy with me. I tell them to kiss my ass, and leave them to their attitude. Quit making her dinner or doing shit for her until she figures it out. Plus you should have been the one to leave her to make her own dinner. Her going out with her friends right after wards just gives her time to vent on how bad a husband you are and build up her internal "case" against you. Xerxys is right, let her know she's being a prick, else wise it's just going to get worse.

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bill hicks - "I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out."

soma

Have you told her how you feel when she gives you attitude?
There seems to be some obvious tension between you and your wife. I'd try to nip it in the butt if I were you.

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PonyPotato

You said you "half-teasingly" told her you'd left the dishes for her, probably as soon as she walked in the door. Why not let her get home, relax and appreciate you putting the kids to bed, and see the dishes need to be done herself?

Sounds to me like you give her attitude and expect her not to give any back in return.

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Baraka_Guru

Yeah, I agree. "Half-teasingly" telling someone you left them a chore sounds a bit passive-aggressive to me, and, yes, the timing seemed off as well. I don't think there is an easy way to respond to that sort of thing, especially if you happen to be in a bad mood about something already.

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Humankind cannot bear very much reality.
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genuinegirly

You are in the wrong.


Did she make those dirty dishes? Did she eat food that was prepared with those pots, pans, and utensils now in the sink - ate that food before you mentioned the dishes? If you answered no to either of these questions, you'd better re-evaluate your expectations. If those were your dirty lunch dishes, you should start doing them yourself. If they are dishes left over from dinner, let her at least take a moment to eat some of the dinner before washing.

She should not have an attitude. You're right.
But how frequently does she get out and spend a day with her friends?

Based on the little you've told us, your actions appear manipulative and misogynistic - expecting a woman to watch the children and take care of all of the chores every single day, questioning her motives when she has secured free childcare, then giving her a hard time about dishes as soon as she walks in the door?

You hurt her. You expect a positive response?

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"Sometimes I have to remember that things are brought to me for a reason, either for my own lessons or for the benefit of others." Cynthetiq

"violence is no more or less real than non-violence." roachboy

Shauk

This just reminds me why it's better to have a roommate to yell at to do dishes to. I can delegate housework to people I'm NOT sleeping with. win/win for everyone.

Plan9

I've got a new policy:

If it isn't worth hiding a body over, don't let it make you angry.

...

Turns out people respond so much better to straight statements.

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Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

vanblah

No one is "in the wrong." To assign fault and blame is what starts fights.

You've been together long enough to get good at pushing each other's buttons. I think that deep down you knew that your passive-aggressive comment would likely cause her to react the way she did. You may not have done it "on purpose" but you were aware of it.

I do it to my wife. Hell I did it this morning when she was doing yoga ... she said something about how she forgets to breathe and I said, half-jokingly, "Just breathe, how hard is that?" She said that if I wanted to start doing yoga then I would be welcome to give her advice. I said I wasn't giving her advice, just joking. She said I'm always telling her how to live her life. I said, "I can't tell you anything." Sound somewhat familiar? (The preceding is mostly paraphrased for length, but the gist is there). In retrospect, I know that the style of my "joke" was a hot button for her. It's not her "fault" or mine, it's just an area where our personalities don't quite match. My wife has self-esteem issues and doesn't like to be made to feel "dumb." I do have control issues. It's something that we both work on but will never totally overcome.

I get jealous too when my wife hangs out at the pool while I'm at work. However, my wife hangs out at the pool nearly every day with her friends and our daughter while I work in a sunless basement (albeit a nice sunless basement). My wife is back in school for the next three years and for the summer she's taking online classes and hanging out with our daughter (no child care to pay for!). Knowing that she is in school and working toward a higher salary in a few years helps a little, but it's hard to see her lounging by the pool every day while I'm working (except for this very moment, ha!). She's aware and understands my jealousy ... but we still argue about it. I'm aware that it's a petty thing and eventually she'll be back in the job world again.

We've been together for nearly 18 years, married for 11, our daughter is 7. We broke up for nearly two years before we got married and found each other again (although we never really stopped thinking about each other, apparently).

In your OP we aren't getting the full story. There's a history that we are not aware of. So for anyone to give you advice is difficult. Do you have control issues like me? Does your wife have self-esteem issues like mine? Is it something completely different? Are you aware that you know how to push each other's buttons?

Iliftrocks

I'm sorry, it's obviously the man's fault. He had no justification for joking with his woman, and then of course she should jump on his ass when he tried helping out. Obviously she should be able to be absent of her duties to her children and husband and be gone all day and then go out late at night with her "friends" to "dinner". Yep

They are her kids too, and whatever dishes get messed up feeding them is still at least half her problem. Sounds like she's just a hairs breadth away from stepping out on this man, IMO. Sure he was passive aggressive, but he should have just been aggressive and told her to kiss it where the sun don't shine.

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bill hicks - "I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out."

Plan9

I concur. It's important to feel like there is a balance in the division of labor.

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Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

Jinn

I'm pretty certain that this is the kind of polarizing thing that necessitates "guys nights" and "girls nights." This was a gripe by a man, who like many, seems to be incapable of communicating on the same page as his girlfriend / wife. We speak different languages. I can see how a woman can read this story and be peeved at his 'expectation' and his 'belittling comment', just as I see how a man reads this story and sees a man who tried to joke and then make up for it, and (by his estimation) treated poorly as a result.

I've seen so many conversations (and been part of as many) that went like this:

F: "Do you want to go tommorow?"
M: "I don't know, do you want to go?"
F: "I'm not sure if I want to go."
M: "Oh, okay.. we don't have to go."
F: "If you didn't want to go, you could've just said something."

On one hand the man thinks he's helping the woman rationalize not going, and on the the other hand the woman is trying to decide if the man wants to go, and it appears that he doesn't but is going now out of guilt.

I'm not sure it's entirely resolvable, other than being aware of the fact that it's just going-to-happen.

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Bear Cub

Sounds to me like she's just a bitch.

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Vigilante

It was a half joke. She wasn't in the mood. These things happen.

When this happens in my house, we either get over it, or we get peeved and bitch for a while then hash it out constructively.

What sends me over the edge is when my wife tells me to do something and tries to laugh at the end to smooth it over. That makes me more angry than simply telling me what to do, and optionally telling me why she wants it done (she's busy, did it yesterday, etc). It depends on the task requested.

In a situation like the OP posted, I always put a "no just kidding" at the end and start doing it myself. I also use a joking high and/or silly loud voice to emphasize the joke.

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FelixP

All women are crazy to some extent or another. Your wife just got an extra scoop is all; if she's worth being with, then you'll just have to find a way to make it work. If she's not, kick that bitch to the curb.

I've read some of your other rants, and she seems like she'd be hard to live with. Good luck mate.

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Free will lies not in the ability to craft your own fate, but in not knowing what your fate is. --Me

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Plan9

Not to nitpick the SME thing, but aren't you a virgin?

And how have you read other the rants of an anon poster (OP)?

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Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

Vigilante

I wonder that too. Hope you aren't confusing the OP with my "personal rant" thread.

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We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
-Winston Churchill

Iliftrocks

I'm sorry I was grumpy. I think I need to get drunk a few times, maybe that'll help.

It could very well be that she is as unhappy as you and you should both calm down and talk about it, before telling her to kiss it. Maybe if you do it right she will ;-)

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bill hicks - "I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out."

Zeraph

Sounds like miscommunication to me. You must have come off more serious than "half-teasingly." Also I would say there is a lot more there than you're telling us. Clearly your both stressed over something.

Anonymous Member

OP again. So, to be clear, I work full-time, my wife stays home and takes care of the kids. Yes, that's work too, no denying. Also, in my defense, she's said the *exact* same thing to me, in a joking way, when the situation was reversed, so I was partly copying that. I really don't think was being passive-aggressive or manipulative, though. I can see how she may have taking it the wrong way, though. Probably part of the reason I was so upset though is that I feel like I do at *least* my fair share of the housework, sometimes more. She's had several girls nights out lately - more than I'd be ok with on a regular basis, but she's got a new friend, so that's fine. My problem was that I'd gone out of my way to let her have her fun, and then got pooped on over a flippant comment.

To make matters worse, when I told her how I felt in the morning (she stayed out until after midnight), she threw it right back at me, and said that it was demeaning of me to say that. I could see that if I always made her, or expected her to do the dishes, but I don't. I do the dishes maybe half the time. So, I spent a good solid two days too pissed off to deal with it, then we had a talk and got over it. I see her point of view, I made sure she understood mine. I understand that I overreacted to her attitude, and she understands that she overreacted to my comment.

I think, another 200 years or so of marriage and I'll about have it figured out. Maybe 300.

genuinegirly

Hehe. I like the 200 years comment.
Thanks for the follow-up response, Anon. It's good to see a bit more of the pictures, I'm sorry I was so harsh in my response. I'm glad that you two have spoken about the matter, I hope you're able to interact more positively in the future.

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"Sometimes I have to remember that things are brought to me for a reason, either for my own lessons or for the benefit of others." Cynthetiq

"violence is no more or less real than non-violence." roachboy

Toaster126

And then...

I do.

If I understand what you are saying correctly, you spoke to her in the way she did previously when you were on the opposite side of the conversation. How did you feel when she spoke that way to you? What would your motivation be for talking like that to her now? It seems like the very definition of passive-aggressive to me.

I don't post this to attack; if I didn't care I would not have posted. I don't think you've been treated fairly here, but I bet she hasn't been either, in this situation or others, and I'm sure you each feel like you've been treated badly by each other in the past which is magnifying something so insignificant as dishes into this negative thing. Not that this isn't important, just that what is important isn't the dishes, but your feelings around them and the communication and relationship interaction about them.

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"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers." (M. Scott Peck)

FelixP

What's SME?

Yes, I am a virgin, but that doesn't mean I've never interacted with women before, or had to deal with their craziness |end of misogynist rant|

I've seen that same avatar on posts by anonymous members telling similar stories. I guess I just sorta assumed since the avatars matched, the posters would as well. Or do all anonymous posts use the same avatar? If that's the case, then I guess I haven't, but it still seems like she needs to pull the stick out of her ass. Yes, he was passive aggressive, yes he could've handled the situation better; I still say she's kind of a bitch. Just my personal opinion.

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Free will lies not in the ability to craft your own fate, but in not knowing what your fate is. --Me

"I have just returned from visting the Marines at the front, and there is not a finer fighting organization in the world." --Douglas MacArthur

robot_parade

Well, the thing is, it didn't bother me at all when she said it in the past, because I knew it was in jest, and because I just didn't mind doing a few dishes. The instance I'm thinking of, I'd had dinner with some friends of mine, and she'd had a long day and evening with the kids, so of course I didn't mind doing the dishes.

Her response to me pointing that out was that it was different when I said it, because it was demeaning to tell her to do the dishes. I don't really buy that, but I think we've worked it out to our mutual satisfaction. We don't totally agree on the issue, but we had a couple of good talks.

Zeraph

Anon posts share the same avatar.

FelixP

Thanks for the tip. To be honest, I didn't even consider that until I started typing. Either way, I do think his wife needs to sit the fuck down, shut the fuck up, and settle the fuck down.

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Free will lies not in the ability to craft your own fate, but in not knowing what your fate is. --Me

"I have just returned from visting the Marines at the front, and there is not a finer fighting organization in the world." --Douglas MacArthur

Jinn

And this is why Crompsin's question was relevant. Kinda like people without kids commenting on how parents handle their children?

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"I'm typing on a computer of science, which is being sent by science wires to a little science server where you can access it. I'm not typing on a computer of philosophy or religion or whatever other thing you think can be used to understand the universe because they're a poor substitute in the role of understanding the universe which exists independent from ourselves." - Willravel

Xerxys

^^ WTF? Lately you've been overly judgmental. We agreed long ago that not having kids doesn't mean one knows nothing about raising them. So please, take your high horse elsewhere.

Plan9

Jinn and I appear to be on the same lofty equine creature. Good thing I'm skinny. Heh, I don't even like horses. They're flighty like white girls.

Yeah, turns out individuals that have zero experience with certain basic life functions should refrain from vast high school-style generalizations. It prevents foot-in-mouth disease. I'm not a genius and I'm guilty of it from time to time, but one of the things that TFP has taught me is to "shut my mouth and know my role." If I can't be bothered to back up my statements with some kinda logic / experience / facts... why throw 'em out there like knotted x-mas lights... hoping that the audience can make sense of a gigundo verbal clusterfuck? That's about as worthwhile as blaming the GWOT on Canada or declaring that violence is the root of absolute power.

Awesome life lesson, I assure you. I am more grateful each day.

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Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

Manic_Skafe

I'll have to disagree for reasons too obvious to enumerate.

Seriously, if having been a child raised by some form of parental figure isn't proper enough grounds to make a statement on the manner in which some people raise their children then what it is?

Nice edit Cromp.

Blah. Reread my first post until the feeling in your testicles returns.

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Plan9

All of my posts are edits, my good man. Child-wrangling aside, I think Jinn and I are on the same page... basically concurring that the "smack yo bitch up" philosophy should, in fact, apply to those of us who have actually had bitches and been in situations where said bitches may have required a smacking.

You don't know what it is to be an adult until you're fighting over who's gotta empty the dishwasher this time during the TBS evening movie.

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Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

Punk.of.Ages

I don't agree with the whole "need a kid to talk about kids" bit, but, even if I did, these are not the same things...

I also don't agree with pretty much everything FelixP has said in this thread, but you do not have to have had sex with a woman in order to give advice on a topic that has nothing to do with sex.

We're talking about poor communication between some anonymous fella' and his lady, which you gain experience in just about any time you date a girl, whether or not sex was involved, not whether or not anon fella' put it in lady's ass properly...

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Plan9

My point is: I'm not poking at the "gotta have sex" bit, I'm simply using it as a ruler to measure life experience.

Isn't that how relationships go? The sex part goes first... and then the bitching and moaning follows 6 months later.

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Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

Xerxys

I understand that this may have been a rant and feel free to rip my balls out through my throat if this is too personal but I gotta ask; what was her point of view exactly? I mean, it just says here you both came to some sort of mutual understanding. Because I see YOUR point of view I don;t think you overreacted but that's the thing. How exactly did she justify her behavior?

I ask because I never found out why the women I lived with behaved like this after a similar scenario. I always thought they were faking it. You know, pretending they're angry so one can come to their rescue and say "just leave her alone, you're making it worse" When I was ready to leave all gentle-manly social conventions/feelings at the door and swing a mean hook. I mean, I learned that some girls do fake it when I got to grade school after they demanded I give up something that clearly wasn't their belongings but those were 8-teenager-year old's. Are you saying women, actually grown up women fake being angry?

Please, I gotta know!!!

Toaster126

Humans are selfish manipulators. Some even by choice. Sorry to break it to you.

You can still be a good person and an optimist; I am.

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"The question isn't who is going to let me, it's who is going to stop me." (Ayn Rand)
"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers." (M. Scott Peck)

FelixP

While I see the point Jinn and Cromp are trying to make, I just don't agree. I've seen how people, especially people who have been together for many years, treat each other. I think the OP and his spouse are heading down a bad road, and if they don't get their shit together in a hurry, they'll probably end up divorced. He does need to tell her how he feels in a less passive-aggressive way, but at the same time, she sounds lazy and entitled. Some people just need to get bitched out every now and again.

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Free will lies not in the ability to craft your own fate, but in not knowing what your fate is. --Me

"I have just returned from visting the Marines at the front, and there is not a finer fighting organization in the world." --Douglas MacArthur