vanblah

No one is "in the wrong." To assign fault and blame is what starts fights.

You've been together long enough to get good at pushing each other's buttons. I think that deep down you knew that your passive-aggressive comment would likely cause her to react the way she did. You may not have done it "on purpose" but you were aware of it.

I do it to my wife. Hell I did it this morning when she was doing yoga ... she said something about how she forgets to breathe and I said, half-jokingly, "Just breathe, how hard is that?" She said that if I wanted to start doing yoga then I would be welcome to give her advice. I said I wasn't giving her advice, just joking. She said I'm always telling her how to live her life. I said, "I can't tell you anything." Sound somewhat familiar? (The preceding is mostly paraphrased for length, but the gist is there). In retrospect, I know that the style of my "joke" was a hot button for her. It's not her "fault" or mine, it's just an area where our personalities don't quite match. My wife has self-esteem issues and doesn't like to be made to feel "dumb." I do have control issues. It's something that we both work on but will never totally overcome.

I get jealous too when my wife hangs out at the pool while I'm at work. However, my wife hangs out at the pool nearly every day with her friends and our daughter while I work in a sunless basement (albeit a nice sunless basement). My wife is back in school for the next three years and for the summer she's taking online classes and hanging out with our daughter (no child care to pay for!). Knowing that she is in school and working toward a higher salary in a few years helps a little, but it's hard to see her lounging by the pool every day while I'm working (except for this very moment, ha!). She's aware and understands my jealousy ... but we still argue about it. I'm aware that it's a petty thing and eventually she'll be back in the job world again.

We've been together for nearly 18 years, married for 11, our daughter is 7. We broke up for nearly two years before we got married and found each other again (although we never really stopped thinking about each other, apparently).

In your OP we aren't getting the full story. There's a history that we are not aware of. So for anyone to give you advice is difficult. Do you have control issues like me? Does your wife have self-esteem issues like mine? Is it something completely different? Are you aware that you know how to push each other's buttons?