Dealing with a loss of a loved one. - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

Spartanx9 · 09-18-2009, 01:36 AM

Hey TFPers.

I know that I haven't posted in a while, I became more of a forum lurker as my life has been moving along, although not as quite as I expected.

Recently, I've lost my gf to a brain tumor. It hasn't been the easiest past 4 weeks, but I keep going on, persevering.

However, I'm not as strong as I think I am. I keep talking to friends, but it doesn't seem to help.

How do I cope with this?

Toaster126 · 09-18-2009, 01:56 AM

I've never been in this sort of situation, but I would think about the fact that wallowing in my own shit wouldn't bring them back, wouldn't prove I loved them more, and wouldn't be what they would want me to be doing. My loved one would want me to be happy and healthy.

I hope this helps you in some small way.

Charlatan · 09-18-2009, 02:02 AM

My father died a few years ago. It was a pretty horrible experience. There really wasn't anything that could be said to me that helped with living through that experience. Nothing.

The only thing I can tell, looking back, is that time is your friend. Over time the pain will fade. It will still be there if you choose to explore it but it will not be as front and centre and all consuming as it is now.

I am really sorry to hear about your loss.

wooÐs · 09-18-2009, 02:06 AM

Wow how painful. I'm so sorry to hear this.

Not only do you need to surround yourself with supportive friends and family members, but you need to check into getting some professional support as well. This doesn't mean you're a weak person by any means. But it does mean that you're an exceptional human being who's capable of deeply loving others. Not everyone can do this.

Even tho you're just some stranger, you'll be in my thoughts. And if I do think of anything else that might be helpful, I'll let you know.

Spartanx9 · 09-18-2009, 02:23 AM

Thanks for the responses guys/gals

Quote:

Originally Posted by Toaster126

but I would think about the fact that wallowing in my own shit wouldn't bring them back, wouldn't prove I loved them more, and wouldn't be what they would want me to be doing. My loved one would want me to be happy and healthy.

That's what I try to keep in mind. I know she wouldn't like to see me like this. I try to keep myself going forward, but it's very tough at times.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Charlatan

The only thing I can tell, looking back, is that time is your friend. Over time the pain will fade. It will still be there if you choose to explore it but it will not be as front and centre and all consuming as it is now.

As everyone else has said

. Just that its so painful. She meant the world to me. Time is gonna take forever

Quote:

Originally Posted by wooÐs

Not only do you need to surround yourself with supportive friends and family members, but you need to check into getting some professional support as well. This doesn't mean you're a weak person by any means. But it does mean that you're an exceptional human being who's capable of deeply loving others. Not everyone can do this.

Only problem is that I'm uninsured atm. Unless there are free professional help that I can go into, I can't exactly dish out any money for them.

ShaniFaye · 09-18-2009, 03:02 AM

First, Im so sorry

You have to grieve...its a process that you MUST go thru. Trying to skip stages of it is not going to help you. 4 weeks is not a very long time, you're still at the beginning. I know where I live there are grief support groups (free ones), you might check to see about one. It can help a lot to be able to talk to someone going thru the exact same thing. Friends and Family can only do so much because they are not in your shoes right now.

I've been lucky, I havent lost someone "that" close to me yet, aunts, uncles, grandparents, but I can imagine your pain, when I lost my first grandparent in 1994 it was devastating to me, 15 years later I still have days of intense pain. Will it get better...yes, will it ever go away....no, just accept that it will hit you out of the blue in the future. The more of the grieving process you can go thru now, the better off you will be. I wish you much luck

GreyWolf · 09-18-2009, 03:33 AM

You have my heartfelt sympathy. Losing someone like that is devastating and nothing can make the pain go away. I don't know how long you had with her knowing she was terminal, but I also know that knowing in advance still doesn't let you prepare for the reality.

Although it is likely no comfort now, time will help. Lots of time. It doesn't exactly heal, but it does help. In the meantime, friends and activity are probably your best solution. Talk to your friends, lean on them, LET them help you. Don't shut them out. A true friend won't mind if you wake them at 3am because you just can't stand it anymore and need someone to talk to. Really.

Stay active. Force yourself to find things to do. It may not exactly ease the pain, but sitting at home thinking about her will definitely make things worse.

Again, I offer my sincerest condolences for you loss, and hope that knowing your friends and family are hurting for you helps in some small way.

wooÐs · 09-18-2009, 04:47 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Spartanx9

Only problem is that I'm uninsured atm. Unless there are free professional help that I can go into, I can't exactly dish out any money for them.

Yeah I know what you mean - I've been uninsured for years.

I see a therapist every week. I'm not sure what her normal rate is, but she charges me $70 each session. Not that great of a deal, but we did bargain a bit until we agreed on a set amount. So counselors / therapists will work with you financially if need be. Same goes for doctors. My psychiatrist normally charges $90 per visit. I'm paying $40. And I only need to see him once / month for meds.

Also, if you feel like it, you can pm me the area where you reside. I'm certain I can find a support group or 3 with folks in a similar situation as yourself. That helps so much - being around others who relate. You can also try Googling 'support groups in {city,}' and just go from there.

Quote:

Originally Posted by GreyWolf

A true friend won't mind if you wake them at 3am because you just can't stand it anymore and need someone to talk to.

This struck a chord with me for some reason. What a cool statement. Made me realize that other than boyfriends, I've never had a friend this dependable before! But it's true - that is a real friendship to cherish right there.

thirdsun · 09-18-2009, 04:59 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ShaniFaye

You have to grieve...its a process that you MUST go thru. Trying to skip stages of it is not going to help you. 4 weeks is not a very long time, you're still at the beginning....The more of the grieving process you can go thru now, the better off you will be.

These are sage words. Couldn't have said it better. The grief process is your friend as well as time. There are several stages of grief which you can look up elsewhere on the net. But don't circumvent the exploration of all your associated feelings (loss, betrayal, anger, sorrow, regret, etc.). And don't berate yourself for any of your feelings. Four weeks is barely a beginning.

I am sorry for your loss.

kramus · 09-18-2009, 06:57 AM

What they said. Research the process - it is a process - so that you can actually understand more exactly what you are dealing with. It is a very real thing, not something to tough out or suck it up and deal with. That man-card shit will just allow things to fester and poison you. My Lady counsels people (patients and their family/care-givers) - in a way she edits or directs their experience of cancer and it's effects/repercussions - and she is very clear about the process that takes place when there is a loss of your magnitude. Especially when coupled with the debilitating horrors that are associated with such a terrible disease.

If you are unable to get free social counceling, and are willing to gamble on help, try contacting different types of church folk. I know I have zero use for the mumbo-jumbo end of church/religeon, but the social help and the holdover of the village help support system that churches can provide is very real. So long as you realize you are vulnerable and could get sucked into the mumbo-jumbo if you don't exercise some discretion

btw, my Lady is a fan of David Cook's song "Permanent" which he wrote for his brother who died last year from brain cancer. Give it a listen if you haven't already.

YouTube - David Cook-"Permanent": A Memorial video for his brother Adam.

Good luck.

Daniel_ · 09-18-2009, 09:45 AM

I don't have much to add to the good advice above, beyond a personal mantra that helped me through the worst moments of my life.

Winston Churchill said "when you're going through hell... Keep going."

Good luck.

ratbastid · 09-18-2009, 10:24 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by thirdsun

But don't circumvent the exploration of all your associated feelings (loss, betrayal, anger, sorrow, regret, etc.). And don't berate yourself for any of your feelings. Four weeks is barely a beginning.

Exactly. There is no wrong feeling. Including feeling like the feeling you're having is wrong. That's part of it too. Completely, entirely normal.

You'll catch yourself laughing sometimes. Forgetting what has happened, having a good time. And you'll suddenly feel horrible because, how could you be having a good time with her gone? Normal.

You'll wake up and feel numb and stumble through your whole day numb and come home numb and go to bed numb. Normal.

There's nothing you can feel or experience right now that is wrong. So give yourself space to go through it all, and let it look however it looks.

ametc · 09-18-2009, 03:58 PM

Cry as much as you want. Get through the grieving process without withholding your feelings.

Spartanx9 · 09-18-2009, 04:20 PM

Thanks for the advice all. It's really helped

wooÐs, I'll check out some support groups in Tucson. Haven't thought about it, but yeah, it would help if I was able to get in touch with others who have experienced something like, or close to what I have.

Ratbastid, yeah, I've had those situations. To know for the most part that they are going to be normal as I get though this, helps. For a bit there, I thought I was losing it.

09-18-2009, 01:36 AM	#1 (permalink)
Spartanx9 Crazy Location: Tucson	Dealing with a loss of a loved one. Hey TFPers. I know that I haven't posted in a while, I became more of a forum lurker as my life has been moving along, although not as quite as I expected. Recently, I've lost my gf to a brain tumor. It hasn't been the easiest past 4 weeks, but I keep going on, persevering. However, I'm not as strong as I think I am. I keep talking to friends, but it doesn't seem to help. How do I cope with this? Last edited by Spartanx9; 09-18-2009 at 02:14 AM.. Reason: typo.

09-18-2009, 01:56 AM	#2 (permalink)
Toaster126 Extreme moderation Location: Kansas City, yo.	I've never been in this sort of situation, but I would think about the fact that wallowing in my own shit wouldn't bring them back, wouldn't prove I loved them more, and wouldn't be what they would want me to be doing. My loved one would want me to be happy and healthy. I hope this helps you in some small way. __________________ "The question isn't who is going to let me, it's who is going to stop me." (Ayn Rand) "The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers." (M. Scott Peck)

09-18-2009, 02:02 AM	#3 (permalink)
Charlatan Getting it. Super Moderator Location: Lion City	My father died a few years ago. It was a pretty horrible experience. There really wasn't anything that could be said to me that helped with living through that experience. Nothing. The only thing I can tell, looking back, is that time is your friend. Over time the pain will fade. It will still be there if you choose to explore it but it will not be as front and centre and all consuming as it is now. I am really sorry to hear about your loss. __________________ "My hands are on fire. Hands are on fire. Ain't got no more time for all you charlatans and liars." - Old Man Luedecke

09-18-2009, 03:02 AM	#6 (permalink)
ShaniFaye Submit to me, you know you want to Location: Lilburn, Ga	First, Im so sorry You have to grieve...its a process that you MUST go thru. Trying to skip stages of it is not going to help you. 4 weeks is not a very long time, you're still at the beginning. I know where I live there are grief support groups (free ones), you might check to see about one. It can help a lot to be able to talk to someone going thru the exact same thing. Friends and Family can only do so much because they are not in your shoes right now. I've been lucky, I havent lost someone "that" close to me yet, aunts, uncles, grandparents, but I can imagine your pain, when I lost my first grandparent in 1994 it was devastating to me, 15 years later I still have days of intense pain. Will it get better...yes, will it ever go away....no, just accept that it will hit you out of the blue in the future. The more of the grieving process you can go thru now, the better off you will be. I wish you much luck __________________ *I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!*

09-18-2009, 03:33 AM	#7 (permalink)
GreyWolf Sober Location: Eastern Canada	You have my heartfelt sympathy. Losing someone like that is devastating and nothing can make the pain go away. I don't know how long you had with her knowing she was terminal, but I also know that knowing in advance still doesn't let you prepare for the reality. Although it is likely no comfort now, time will help. Lots of time. It doesn't exactly heal, but it does help. In the meantime, friends and activity are probably your best solution. Talk to your friends, lean on them, LET them help you. Don't shut them out. A true friend won't mind if you wake them at 3am because you just can't stand it anymore and need someone to talk to. Really. Stay active. Force yourself to find things to do. It may not exactly ease the pain, but sitting at home thinking about her will definitely make things worse. Again, I offer my sincerest condolences for you loss, and hope that knowing your friends and family are hurting for you helps in some small way. __________________ *The secret to great marksmanship is deciding what the target was AFTER you've shot.*

09-18-2009, 02:06 AM	#4 (permalink)
wooÐs Sitting in a tree Location: Atlanta	Wow how painful. I'm so sorry to hear this. Not only do you need to surround yourself with supportive friends and family members, but you need to check into getting some professional support as well. This doesn't mean you're a weak person by any means. But it does mean that you're an exceptional human being who's capable of deeply loving others. Not everyone can do this. Even tho you're just some stranger, you'll be in my thoughts. And if I do think of anything else that might be helpful, I'll let you know.

09-18-2009, 06:57 AM	#10 (permalink)
kramus loving the curves Location: my Lady's manor	What they said. Research the process - it is a process - so that you can actually understand more exactly what you are dealing with. It is a very real thing, not something to tough out or suck it up and deal with. That man-card shit will just allow things to fester and poison you. My Lady counsels people (patients and their family/care-givers) - in a way she edits or directs their experience of cancer and it's effects/repercussions - and she is very clear about the process that takes place when there is a loss of your magnitude. Especially when coupled with the debilitating horrors that are associated with such a terrible disease. If you are unable to get free social counceling, and are willing to gamble on help, try contacting different types of church folk. I know I have zero use for the mumbo-jumbo end of church/religeon, but the social help and the holdover of the village help support system that churches can provide is very real. So long as you realize you are vulnerable and could get sucked into the mumbo-jumbo if you don't exercise some discretion btw, my Lady is a fan of David Cook's song "Permanent" which he wrote for his brother who died last year from brain cancer. Give it a listen if you haven't already. YouTube - David Cook-"Permanent": A Memorial video for his brother Adam. Good luck. __________________ And now to disengage the clutch of the forebrain ... I'm going with this - if you like artwork visit http://markfineart.ca

09-18-2009, 09:45 AM	#11 (permalink)
Daniel_ Evil Priest: The Devil Made Me Do It! Location: Southern England	I don't have much to add to the good advice above, beyond a personal mantra that helped me through the worst moments of my life. Winston Churchill said "when you're going through hell... Keep going." Good luck. __________________ ╔═════════════════════════════════════════╗ Overhead, the Albatross hangs motionless upon the air, And deep beneath the rolling waves, In labyrinths of Coral Caves, The Echo of a distant time Comes willowing across the sand; And everthing is Green and Submarine ╚═════════════════════════════════════════╝

09-18-2009, 03:58 PM	#13 (permalink)
ametc Psycho	Cry as much as you want. Get through the grieving process without withholding your feelings.

09-18-2009, 04:20 PM	#14 (permalink)
Spartanx9 Crazy Location: Tucson	Thanks for the advice all. It's really helped wooÐs, I'll check out some support groups in Tucson. Haven't thought about it, but yeah, it would help if I was able to get in touch with others who have experienced something like, or close to what I have. Ratbastid, yeah, I've had those situations. To know for the most part that they are going to be normal as I get though this, helps. For a bit there, I thought I was losing it.