medlar

I have no idea how to title this, or whether it belongs in this part of the forum. But a previous post I made, got me thinking.

It's more a request for other people's opinions on relationships. You meet a person and when you get into a relationship the deeper and more intimate stuff starts to follow and not long after you start to think maybe they are not quite say ninety percent of what you are looking for. This is easy enough for me having been burned quite severally in a past relationship but I'm still feeling I want to be with someone again, so I'm being cautioius and knowing..You'll never find 100% anyway.

But you still find some pretty amazing qualities in this person, so you go ahead and continue seeing them. Then inevitably it will end usually over some menial matter that gets overblown, plans are pulled down and that hurts for both and you go back to your life before them. And then you ask - Should I have done that? Should I have let it go so far when I knew they weren't right for me but I still thought they were amazing enough anyway? What does that say about myself then?

Or is it more a case when you never know why people come into your life, and there is good stuff to be taken even if it doesn't result in forever? Maybe I should just be happy being single then putting reservations aside if I like a person to avoid hurting them.

snowy

Love is a gamble at the best of times, even when you find that person you feel you mesh with 100%.

You step up to the table, you roll the dice, and see what comes up.

Here's the trick, though--be happy with yourself and being single BEFORE you take the gamble. For one, it's easier to take the chance when you're happy, period, and for two, it's easier to handle things when they go wrong if you're okay being alone. When you are comfortable being single, you are less willing to settle for crappy relationships that do nothing but waste time, because you are comfortable being by yourself.

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If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

Plan9

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

abaya

Heh, I thought you were talking about a license for the concealed carry of a weapon... too much time spent on gun control threads, apparently!!

Anyway, I echo Snowy on this one, almost word for word.

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

World's King

Having just got out of a long serious relationship...


See, I knew that dated again was gonna suck. And I don't really wanna do it. Ever. But it's kind of important. See, if you jump into bed with the first person you find interesting enough to contemplate if you're okay with letting them see you naked in a strange position then you're doomed to just washing your sheets more often then normal.

I know there is a lot of girls out there that I have a shit load of stuff in common with. Most of which are good looking enough to warrant a second glance but that doesn't mean I need to seek them out and hold on to them like my type of girl is suddenly gonna be extinct. Sure, a semi attractive girl that can sit down with me and actually understand what's going on when we watch Iron Chef (and I don't mean she thinks it all looks just so yummie) is a huge turn on but that doesn't mean I should have stuck my dick in that girl twice. Cause now she won't leave me alone. And all I really wanted was a warm body in my bed. And I wish I would have realized that before I told her...

Well, anyway... I lied. To myself and her.



I don't want a relationship. And from what you've said, neither do you. Do what makes you happy. And when I say that I mean just you. When you're by yourself. Don't worry about how other people make you happy. Don't worry that people will come into and go out of your life. It's supposed to happen. And trust me... if you feel like you're using someone just to get passed an awkward part of your life, they are doing the same with you.

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heavy is the head that wears the crown

Plan9

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

Cynthetiq

I don't really understand how or why people are with others when they cannot be themselves. Hearing, "She's coming... " or "Hide that cigarette..." is just silly.

The idea that worlds have to be divided and separated like George Costanza's worlds colliding theory is just asinine and a recipe for disaster. If you can't be yourself in your own home, where can you be you?

A relationship should complete and complement your life, not be a burden in any manner.

__________________
I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.

snowy

Well said.

__________________
If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

Plan9

I feel that a relationship that isn't a burden at times doesn't have any gravity, any weight.

I find that I change my goals and habits to compromise with my partner in the long run.

I becomes we. I wouldn't want to build a relationship if I didn't have to carry some weight.

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

PonyPotato

The difference between a relationship that works and one that doesn't, however, is not whether there is weight to carry. It's whether you make the load balanced and comfortable or not. You don't necessarily want a heavy load, but if you're going to carry one, it had better be balanced.

Relationships without at least some conflict, difficulty, and external baggage (i.e. real life) are unrealistic at best. What matters is how you deal with those things both together and individually.

"The thing that matters is not what you bear, but how you bear it." - Seneca

__________________
"Without passion man is a mere latent force and possibility, like the flint which awaits the shock of the iron before it can give forth its spark."
— Henri-Frédéric Amiel

Plan9

Getting to that 100% is you, not them. I get the feeling that compatibility is often 90% perfect and the only way to achieve that 100% is to let go of the fears you have of the last 10% and say, "Hey, we're gonna do this thing." Positive attitude with separate personal and shared goals are huge. Actions over words works for me, too.

In my limited experience, optimism and the traits that follow, my friend, are what make or break relationships. Confidence, assertiveness, integrity, and big brass balls. You have to go into a new relationship with arms wide open and your chin up... knowing that you'll accept either a big warm hug or a brutal right hook from the other person.

No false advertising. You have to be you. Don't be anybody else, chief. Hell, I don't know how people can sustain that game for more than twenty minutes, anyway.

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

medlar

There's alot of wisdom here for someone as myself, who hasn't gained enough experience in this to even begin to unravel it. I definitely didn't learn anything from my past and only relationship. Except that nothing can make you feel like something you have to scrape off the bottom of someone elses shoe.If there is anything I thought I might excell at, it is finding reasons to not get involved with the opposite sex, well emotionally anyway. Thanks for taking time to help put things in perspective here.

I need to think like Rollins! I need to learn to be like that. "Emotional Chess". I have been over anylizing this becuase my views have been so fixed that I am doomed for failure. Every relationship has to teach you something and you probably have to fall to succeed, but there's no staying if you're no longer happy, just that you don't want to have to hurt someone before they hurt you, or do I?..And it's likely that there will be more falls in store for me. Somethings can be worked through, but others are complete show stoppers and yet how do you know which is which at the start of a relationship...But with all this, I can at least have a chance at pulling through them better than this last relationship I went full tilt into. I would have thought that I could have at least been made a bit tougher from it, but all it did was make me overly cautious, suspicious, jaded, self sorry, pathetic, depressional, pissed off etc...and left with unrealistic expectations and extremely frustrated due to blue ball syndrome when I back out.. if nothing else. It was just too easy to find any faults in someone else to avoid all that and I can run for the hills. I just had never expected to have been so emotionally and even physically ground up from it and I don't have the brass to go through it again anytime soon. Thanks Crompsin, I will likely print that out, in fact, That is so applicable I am going to carry it in my wallet. Thats how f#@#ing major this is! I thought I was going soft in the head over this.

About being my own self esteem...I think part of the problem is I've gone through some massive changes personally, getting over my past and all sorts of that kind of baggage and that has meant quite a bit of change as a person. I don't want to bring along that baggage to anyone. World's King says it right enough, finding happiness in myself, doing what makes me happy. Maybe the times just not right for me yet. I would like the stabiltiy and the togetherness, but also a lack of constant questions about "is this right for me?" On the other hand maybe I'd just like a random few moments of complete physical involvement with no strings attached at all, because this whole dating thing can be pretty exhausting trying to read someone else in a way that could have me finding ways to just not bother. Relationships seem confusing and exhausting.

I think the key is to just keep cracking at it, meeting people, suffering a few dates, learning the difference between compromise and settling for less than you want and it will fall into place somehow and accept that this will mean break ups and a certain degree of emotional torment. I would hope to just be able to crack on and go with the flow and take experiences from any relationship I might fall into and be certain its not going to leave me curled up in a fetal position, whimpering in some corner of my room. I was almost close to just shutting myself off from the possibility of a relationship, even a first date, because I didn't think they were close to being right for me and if I'm standing back and judging them that way, I'm missing out on something that might not necessarily mean getting crushed again. This isn't coming out particularly well, I think I am over-thinking all this. I doubt that I am going to stumble upon a truly remarkable relationship anytime soon. This is more of a positive outlook than I can normally manage but I will be taking the advice given to me in this thread to heart. Thanks again. Very helpful and makes alot of sense. I am ready to take anything and anyone on now.

I'm not one to make the same mistake twice, it seems that it will take at least three or four until I learn this lesson.

Plan9

Hey, they're good for more than sex. I'd keep the sex priorities on the bench until they're needed.

Sex too early or the wrong kinda sex fucks up a lot of relationships these days.

Your first string players shouldn't be the "Woo! I wanna fuck you silly!" types.

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

Cynthetiq

I'm sorry, let me clarify that.

undue burden? maybe that's a better way of putting it. If the other individual is putting you out in some manner, then it's basically putting you off.

Life itself is a burden, people get sick, bedridden, infirmed, does that mean you bail at that point in time? Well if you find that a burden, then yes. It's cold hearted, but it's a burden on you and more than likely it's a deal breaker for some.

But there are those that actually aren't shallow self involved people who care and WANT to be seated at the foot of their loved one's bed.

make sense?

__________________
I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.

Ustwo

There is one quality I've noticed among men who have gone from the still youngish single stage to the old and pathetically alone and willing to settle for anything stage, and that is while they were youngish and single they were always looking for that perfect girl to marry.

But for some reason it never worked out, never found that perfect one, or if they did, that one didn't want them. Pretty much no one was ever good enough for them in their eyes.

The problem is people do over think their relationships. They look at stuff thats not important and treat it like its very important.

My rule for dating and relationships would be.

#1 Do you have fun with the person.
#2 Do you want hang around with the person.

If you answer yes to both, you continue the relationship.

Things like musical taste, what movies they like, there sense of humor, what food they like to eat, and dozens of other little things are pretty much irrelevant to a good relationship.

I think of my marriage as a 'supermarriage', I can't see us failing, we still act like newlyweds, and we've been together for almost 17 years. Yet we have completely opposite tastes in music, very different tastes in food, different tastes in entertainment, have a different sense of humor, different academic interests, and somewhat different personalities. We do share some core values which I think IS important. She doesn't like what I listen to musically which doesn't matter at all, but if she kept telling me I was going to hell for my sinful ways it wouldn't have worked out.

On paper we didn't match well. Her roommate said we should break up (to her), frat brothers said I should break up with her. She didn't listen to her roommate (in fact she was rather mad at her for saying it), I didn't listen to my frat brothers, and here we are still happily married 16 years later.

I had my doubts early on, I wasn't sure what I wanted to do when it became apparent we were heading into long term serious relationship territory, I wasn't sure I wanted to go there with her, but I was still having fun with her, and still wanted to be with her.

Obviously those doubts are long gone, but I still am having fun and I still want to be with her. Thats pretty much all that matters.

__________________
Agents of the enemies who hold office in our own government, who attempt to eliminate our "freedoms" and our "right to know" are posting among us, I fear.....on this very forum. - host

Obama - Know a Man by the friends he keeps.

medlar

[QUOTE=Crompsin]Such as....?

I don't jump a girl asap. They wouldn't be the type to, otherwise this whole issue wouldn't have a question mark at the end of it.Most of my mates would be saying go have oner and have done with it. Have a string of them. Right now thats just not in me. Not to say it isn't tempting. I'm looking more for long term and when its timed right and everything is looking promising, the whole sex thing will be unlimited. for as long as the relationship should last.

I've waded through a couple of these scenarios since the Break Up.


The B.B syndrome occurse when I'm wanting to but emotionally I'm knowing that its taking it a step up and I'm not willing to risk my well being. That's probably the problem. It's not that I don't want to. I did with this one girl, got a moment with her, had a great time and then I made exuses not to thereafter.And that pretty much hurt her. The last time I did that was after a reasonable time of getting to know ourselves, and then I pretty much let her down. I'm messed up in that area. Maybe I'm destined to be a male whore with a heart of gold...


Trust me, they are not..I should be so lucky if they were. Lol.

I'm sure I will have all this figured out in time. I do have other priorities like school, work and utlimately my soccer to work on, anything to stave off this nagging ear worm.

jewels

I'm curious what you mean here. Is there a list of qualifications, or is it something else?

I hope I'm way off-base, but just sayin' ... I used to have a mental list and if a guy didn't fit it, I'd dump him like a hot potato. It took me years to learn that there was no Prince Charming and that I was missing out on getting to know some really great guys.

__________________
We are always more anxious to be distinguished for a talent which we do not possess, than to be praised for the fifteen which we do possess.
Mark Twain

Ustwo

I thought all women followed the 666 rule.

Six feet, six inches, six figures.

__________________
Agents of the enemies who hold office in our own government, who attempt to eliminate our "freedoms" and our "right to know" are posting among us, I fear.....on this very forum. - host

Obama - Know a Man by the friends he keeps.

medlar

I don't think I've consciously made a list of qualifications, if you're meaning based on the physcal, which initially should not be a basis to work on something more meaningul attraction is good though to get to talking. I like to talk, some times too much so If there were to be any of that kind of qualification that's a given. Sure looks fall into the equation as well but its not the answer Im looking for to my question which I;ve almost forgotten .. but it goes for me, deeper. I might be in for a world of hurt, and a crushed ego, and some likely emotional hurt and anger, which are pretty strong emotions compared to anything brought on by the physical aspects. In short I hope, that I am a bit more deeper than my hormones, and its not so wrong to want something meaninful andl lasing with a pretty girl. I'm not talking knock out, thats way out of my league and I'll be put off more than a relationship. To me it's not so wrong but maybe I'm not ready for the whole emotional game of it. Emotional chess. I suck at chess.

.



I stand at a staggering 5'6 (hopefully going ot hit a growth spurt anytime soon)

I work at a Fish&Chip place, a used car lot and I'm a student. I started at $6.00


The other 6: applicable (enough)

Those rules are unrealistic

jewels

I wasn't necessarily talking about a physical list.

Chess? Stragey? Don't play games. If you can't be yourself from day one, move on.

666 rule? Where've you been, Ustwo? 687, baby. It's the new 666.

__________________
We are always more anxious to be distinguished for a talent which we do not possess, than to be praised for the fifteen which we do possess.
Mark Twain

medlar

I wasn't meaning that list intitially either, but I probably implied more than once.

Touche' (sp)...?. I think thats very clever. Chess requires strategy and forethought and cunning, the goal being ftw utimatelty and I'm not just talking scoring in the sack either. You get the win from pure use of brains, with waves of hormonse and testosterone to compete against Maybe my subconscious implications. You caught me out there.

allaboutmusic

I'm screwed on at least two of those.