sentenced for life... to antidepressants? - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

Dammitall · 01-25-2008, 08:26 AM

I was originally going to post this as a journal entry but figured it would be a better idea to get input from people who are more knowledgeable and/or more experienced with this than I am.

I'm probably depressed and probably suffering from an anxiety disorder. I've been in therapy a couple of times, once in high school (my parents sent me after my best friend/now ex-girlfriend had attempted suicide in high school), then again a couple of years ago with a therapist that I worked with off and on until a year ago, when I started my current job and lost the time flexibility I had had to make my weekly appointments.

I have had issues with honesty persistently since childhood. I lie—or withhold information—about stupid shit to the people I care about the most, usually to cover up something I'm about to do or have done, whether it's something I want or feel entitled to doing/having or something embarrassing that I want to cover up. Over time this has taken a serious toll on my current relationship, and my partner is getting sick of it after nine years of the same shit over and over. We'll be coasting along and my lying behavior will escalate gradually until it boils over into a big fight, she tells me she can't deal with it anymore, says I really need help with this and thinks, strongly, that I should get medication to help suppress this behavior with more success than I seem to have trying on my own.

I also have issues with rage, being overcome by it in moments of frustration and anxiety, slamming my fists around, spitting obscenities. It hasn't driven me to destroy property yet, or injure myself or anyone else, but it does freak the hell out of people I know who witness it. It freaks me out, too.

All of this, and it's likely solution, makes sense in theory—in my head. When I look at it practically, I know I need help in this situation and most likely that help will come in the form of medication; therapy has worked for me to an extent, but it's probable that I'm chemically imbalanced and need something stronger. There is no stigma. It is what it is.

In my heart—my gut—I feel tremendous anxiety over the thought of being on medication. I feel flawed, like a failure, that I'm somehow weak for needing something outside my own willpower to "fix" myself, ... I feel like I'd become a cliché, another stereotypical overmedicated yuppie, that the drugs would numb me, make me an emotional vegetable or somehow detached from who I really am, that I'd become boring, that I'd suffer the worst of any physical side effects from any drug they'd try me on, etc.

I'm scared by the fact that I have always been horrible about taking medication consistently over a long period of time. Following surgery in my infancy I was prescribed low-dose antibiotics that I was supposed to take every day for the rest of my life. I slacked off on taking them gradually until I just stopped altogether (I lied about that for a while to my parents). In the past few years I've needed birth control pills to regulate my hormonal cycles and have slacked off with taking those, too. How the hell am I going to handle taking antidepressants that <b>must</b> be taken in full, religiously, consistently, on the basis that I will never be "cured" and will be dependent on them to feel normal for the foreseeable future?

Yes, I have issues. Yes, I am dramatic. I'm sure these feelings—some of them, at least—are not uncommon, but how the hell do I get over them, suck it up, and fix myself (with help) before my relationship is ruined?

Bear Cub · 01-25-2008, 11:06 AM

You just need to establish routine. If that doesn't work, sit back for a minute and ask yourself if feeling miserable is fine with you, or if you'd rather spend the 15 seconds a day to have a better outlook on life.

Don't assume you'll be dependent on them forever, either. They were borderline on whether or not to institutionalize me 4 years ago. 3 years later, off all mood-altering prescriptions altogether.

jewels · 01-25-2008, 11:20 AM

I'm not sure that it would be a good idea for you to decide to request medication based on our comments and experiences. Get with a good therapist first (if you haven't made any progress, you should have been referred to one that can dispense) and see if they agree with your diagnosis.

If you are prescribed meds, don't worry. Keep the bottle on your nightstand. They're there when you set your alarm or when you shut it in the morning. I forget just about everything but this really works to ensure I take my pill every morning.

Redlemon · 01-25-2008, 11:21 AM

I wish Gilda was still on this site. She was going through much of the same issues as you, except hers was from the passiveness and shyness side of the continuum. If I recall correctly, she discussed it in her journal quite a bit, and after much concern over feeling like a failure, decided to accept medication as a way to heal. Her Journal is still on this site.

Best of luck.

Willravel · 01-25-2008, 11:40 AM

Taking anti-depressants, for some people and under the guided supervision of a professional, is not a failure; it could be a success. If their effect is ultimately beneficial I would see that as a victory.

If you're worried about you ability to take medications consistently, ask your partner for help. I'm sure she will recognize that you're honestly trying to fix these problems that you're both concerned about.

BTW, try to take those antibiotics. I wash my meds down with something I enjoy drinking, creating a Pavlovian association between the two. "Antibiotics? Mmmm!! Grape juice!"

Plan9 · 01-25-2008, 12:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stan Dale

WHETHER WE'RE AWARE of it or not, we human beings communicate 24 hours a day. Even in dreams we communicate. Even when we don't say anything we communicate. Our relationships are built or destroyed by communication - and there's virtually nothing else involved in a personal relationship except one form of communication or another.

Throughout my life as a husband, lover, father, friend and therapist, I have both experienced and observed the destructive power of dishonest communication. When we lie, we destroy relationships - both the one we have with ourselves and those we have with others. Lying is counter communication. It erodes the very foundation of a relationship. It is a time bomb that will eventually destroy the relationship.

To tell a lie weakens the already weak esteem of the lie-teller. The person to whom the lie is told, whether that person finds out the truth or not, feels the lie's effects. Why? Because lies are negative communications. They take away what is attempting to be built. The only true foundation a relationship can be built on is trust. So many relationships are falling apart because trust - if it was ever there - is being eroded. One more lie; one more time bomb.

Then one day, ka-BOOM! Why? Because communication finally broke down beyond the point of no return. If relationships are communication with trust as their foundations, then honesty is the cornerstone. Dishonesty is a protective device. Lies are protective devices. Lies are told because the person telling them believes that he/she has no other choice.

However, we're being two-faced if we tell someone that we love them - and then also lie to them. There can be no real love without trust. We'd be protecting ourselves from the very person we need never fear. If we don't trust the person we say we love, how can we ever be intimate? How can we ever be vulnerable? And if we can't be intimate and vulnerable, what do we have but a lie?

Lies are protective devices. We think we are protecting the other person when we lie, but in reality we are protecting ourselves. When we lie, we set the time bomb ticking, and the explosion will rip through the delicate fabric we attempt to weave between ourselves and someone else.

There are two basic lies - the overt and the covert. The overt lie is usually spoken. It's a falsehood. Even a little white one.

The covert lie is more subtle, and the most often used. Its telltale signs are usually seen in body language - such as darting eyes, downcast eyes, side-glancing eyes, twitching of some part of our extremities, false smiles, a deadpan face and so on. In other words, it's something that needs to be said, but isn't. The covert lie is usually more damaging than the bald-faced lie because the other person may never perceive that something is wrong. Reading body language takes quite a bit of experience. If covert lying can be detected, however, we can defuse the time bombs before they explode.

Envision a gorge. The only thing connecting the two land masses is a bridge built by the hands of those who dare to risk. Isn't that the process two people take when they try to establish a friendship? Here are two entities wishing to connect. They put out furtive feelers at first. Then they get slightly bolder the more they feel they can trust.

Each communication, no matter how conveyed, is one more plank in that bridge. The more honestly we communicate, the more we get to know one another, and the stronger the bridge gets. The more we get to know each other, the sooner we can lower the barriers of self protection. We almost always approach the others like knights in armor. Slowly we shake their hand, "checking for weapons" as in the days of old. Then slower yet, we raise the visor to get to "see" the other person.

Why are we so armored? Probably because intimacy is so frightening to us. In reality, it is probably the single most frightening thing we face. The effect of being totally intimate is being totally naked - emotionally, psychically, and possibly even physically. It is to let every part of me connect or touch with every part of you.

It is total vulnerability. Now I am totally defenseless. When we are defenseless, we fear that "now you will walk all over my unprotected guts with your cleats. You will hurt me in ways no other person could."

It seems that what we cherish most, we chase away in so many creative, fearful ways. For every time we lie, hiding our "nakedness," we are telling the other person, "I don't trust you!" Not in so many words, of course, and that's another contributing cause to the downfall of that painstakingly built bridge between two people. After all, who trusts a bridge with loose or missing planks?

We are so afraid of hurting others and of being hurt that we do the very thing that is guaranteed to destroy what we cherish. Every time we lie, overtly or covertly, we drive another nail into the coffin that will hold our dead relationship.

The paradox of being totally naked, vulnerable and intimate is that we are also totally potent. In reality, we cannot hurt or be hurt unless we choose it. Being naked, vulnerable and intimate with someone else is first to say that we are totally naked, vulnerable and intimate with ourselves.

That's the ultimate question: Do we trust ourselves or not? Do we trust that we can handle whatever comes up; or will we run scared, hiding in the tunnel of darkness that is laden with ignorance and fear?

The decision, of course, is up to each one of us. How long are we willing to live the lie? Or will we defuse the time bomb that would otherwise destroy us and those we love?

Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, "A friend is one before whom I may think aloud."

...

My personal life experience has shown that environment and a positive attitude usually beat medication.

I know who you are because I see that same creature in the mirror when I stare into it.

robot_parade · 01-25-2008, 01:28 PM

Well, first, get a medical diagnosis. That's what you should base your decision on. From what you say, it sounds highly likely that your Dr. would prescribe some sort of medication. If so, look at it this way - you can be sentenced to a life of anti-depressants, or you could be sentenced to a life of not being the person you could be.

What would you tell your best friend, if he/she were in the same situation you're in?

n0nsensical · 01-25-2008, 01:49 PM

Most people who take antidepressants don't end up on them "for life", that's a bit melodramatic. You basically take them for a while until your outlook changes, then you don't need them anymore. The chemical imbalance thing is kind of overrated. The brain has a natural balance that it will return to even under the influence of antidepressants. They aren't magic and a lot of it is placebo; you still have to do the changing yourself, but they might help you do that.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Redlemon

I wish Gilda was still on this site. She was going through much of the same issues as you, except hers was from the passiveness and shyness side of the continuum. If I recall correctly, she discussed it in her journal quite a bit, and after much concern over feeling like a failure, decided to accept medication as a way to heal. Her Journal is still on this site.

I miss having Gilda around too. Hope she's doing well.

PonyPotato · 01-25-2008, 02:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wayne Dyer

As you think so shall you be! Since you cannot physically experience another person, you can only experience them in your mind. Conclusion: All of the other people in your life are simply thoughts in your mind. Not physical beings to you, but thoughts. Your relationships are all in how you think about the other people of your life. Your experience of all those people is only in your mind. Your feelings about your lovers come from your thoughts. For example, they may in fact behave in ways that you find offensive. However, your relationship to them when they behave offensively is not determined by their behavior, it is determined only by how you choose to relate to that behavior. Their actions are theirs, you cannot own them, you cannot be them, you can only process them in your mind.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Barbara De Angelis

No one is in control of your happiness but you; therefore, you have the power to change anything about yourself or your life that you want to change.

If you aren't good at loving yourself, you will have a difficult time loving anyone, since you'll resent the time and energy you give another person that you aren't even giving to yourself.

I sent you a PM earlier, as well.

highthief · 01-25-2008, 02:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by n0nsensical

I miss having Gilda around too. Hope she's doing well.

Me too - she was messed up in a lot of ways, but I genuinely liked her and her posts (and I don't usually have a lot of patience for the messed up of this world, selfish, self-centred bastard that I am - but I had time for Gilda).

Plan9 · 01-25-2008, 02:49 PM

You're not a solipsist, Spinelust. Remember: I'll still kick your ass if necessary.

JumpinJesus · 01-25-2008, 06:29 PM

I spent a few years on medication for anxiety. I'm not a fan of medication at all. I'm not a doctor or a therapist, so whatever I say is simply based on my own experience and opinion.

I don't believe in chemical imbalances. I believe the diagnosis of a chemical imbalance is the concoction of lazy therapists, psychiatrists, and the pharmaceutical companies.

I believe that our experiences at the early developmental stages have a profound impact on who we eventually become as adults. We take in the world around us long before we have the ability to make sense of it, and our psyche does the best it can to make sense of it. I believe this is the cause of most of our irrational fears.

We also have basic needs as human beings. If those needs are not fulfilled during our developmental stages, we will feel those voids our entire lives. Most people go through life without ever having the desire to seek out what our issues are. We just lumber through our lives passing on our problems to our partners and children. Some of us are dealing with issues to such an extent that they begin to affect our daily lives to the point that we see them as problematic and in need of attention. I believe that the type of rage we sometimes feel is based on our inability to understand what is wrong with us. I believe depression is much more profound than "I hate life." However, this does not mean it's inherently chemical-based. It just means that it takes a lot more digging than one hour a week in a therapist's couch to understand. Hence, the reliance on medication. It's quicker and easier to pop a pill once a day than spend an hour a day digging into our own psyche.

You say you lie a lot about inconsequential things. Lying is a symptom of what it is that you're dealing with.

In my opinion, medication masks the problem and gives you a false sense of healing.

I can't begin to describe the ordeal I went through going off the non-habit-forming medication I was on. And when I began experiencing side effects, the response I got wasn't "hmm, maybe we should find a way to deal with this without the medication." The response was: "Let's add another medication and see what happens."

I honestly believe that medication for these disorders create more problems than they solve. I wish you the best. I can empathize with your situation and hope you find a way to be happy with yourself.

ngdawg · 01-25-2008, 07:56 PM

I actually agree with JJ on most of this. I too was on a shelfful of meds for panic attacks, hiatal hernia, vertigo, chronic sinus infections, GERD and muscle inflammations. Every single one of those ailments were self-originated.
It took my utter disgust for what was before me on that shelf-bottles and bottles of medications-that made me go to a therapist specializing in what my particular problem was. She taught me how to deal with my behaviors, how to change my mindset and understand why I was the way I was. When she felt I was able to cope and I agreed, I threw out those bottles. It was a feeling of freedom that to this day is hard to match.

I strongly reccomend you find someone who can help you change your mindset, not medicate it. Meds are bandaids in all but the most severe of cases, ie; schizophrenia or true bipolarism. You appear not to suffer from a chemical imbalance, but behavior imbalances. (This is where I disagree-I do think there are legit chemical/wiring imbalances, not just as much as we are lead to believe)

Look, we all slam our fists, shout obscenities, etc. because we're human. We lie to protect ourselves from truth. We have breaking points, we have weaknesses and we have to learn to deal with them, not mask them under some mind-altering pill or worse.

abaya · 01-26-2008, 05:20 AM

Two perspectives for you. I got to a point of desperation, just over a year ago, where I asked my long-term therapist to tell me straight up what he actually thought my diagnosis was. He told me generalized anxiety and mild depressive episodes. I took that, went to the nurse, and she prescribed me some anti-depressants. I probably even journaled about it here. I kept them by my bedside for a couple of weeks. I never took the first pill. Shortly afterwards, 2 years of long-distance with my husband ended, and while I still have bouts of anxiety and depression, nothing has ever been as bad as it was then.

If we had to do long-term long-distance again?... I don't know. I might look at the pills again, if nothing else worked (including regular exercise, cognitive-behavioral therapy, and daily journaling on my own--working out my issues), as they were not working for me then. But for now, I am not considering taking them, and cannot imagine doing so ever again. But who knows, really.

The other perspective is that of my mother's experience. She has had "panic attacks" for probably... 15 years now? It started around menopause. She has pretty severe anxiety and depression... her lows are MUCH lower than mine are, and she has not sought out many tools to help get herself out of them. She has gone to talk therapy in years past, but not CBT, and she has not seen a therapist now for a few years. She takes some variety of pills every single day, and probably always will. She does not really have the self-awareness, motivation, or general wherewithal to "sort out her issues." I am always urging her to find these things, or hell, just to take a walk every day to have some physical exercise, but she doesn't do it. She takes the easy way out--she pops a pill every day, as part of her routine (at her age, she has to take a few pills every day anyway, for high blood pressure and whatnot). And, for the most part, it keeps her sane and functioning, which is difficult for her otherwise because of a multitude of circumstances that I won't get into right now.

So, I don't know. I could be all pissed off at her and call her a cop-out or dependent or whatever (I've done all that before, and I do remain quite angry with her for other reasons, when I'm at my weakest), but the fact remains that she is dealing with her own mental issues in the way she feels most comfortable with. Should I look down on her for not being "tough" enough to do this without meds? I don't think I should. Does it work for her? It seems to. Does she want to change that? Not that I can see. So who am I to say that she has a chemical imbalance or not? I'm not her. It's not my body. As long as she is able to treat herself right, and treat me and others right, then I can't really judge her for being on those pills. She's only human. She's never going to "heal" the way *I* want her to. But why the hell should that matter?

People do what they need to do, I guess is my point. Do what you need to do, screw everyone else's opinion.

thingstodo · 01-26-2008, 06:49 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by robot_parade

Well, first, get a medical diagnosis. That's what you should base your decision on. From what you say, it sounds highly likely that your Dr. would prescribe some sort of medication. If so, look at it this way - you can be sentenced to a life of anti-depressants, or you could be sentenced to a life of not being the person you could be.

What would you tell your best friend, if he/she were in the same situation you're in?

Really. I mean, who cares. If you can get help for a problem you recognize and it works, what else really matters? Focus on what is important. To me that begins with health and quality of life. Everything else flows from that basis. If therapy and meds work - what else is there to say?

Nimetic · 01-26-2008, 03:41 PM

In my experience - "pills" aren't all negative. There's pros/cons for sure, and the path is somewhat complex.

And heck, maybe it's your situation that is abnormal. Perhaps living in a modern city with a modern job is the strange bit. (I don't know where you work though).

Plan9 · 01-26-2008, 03:51 PM

You don't need medication. You need SportRock.

Grasshopper Green · 01-26-2008, 06:57 PM

I've been on anti-depressants twice. The first time was after my brother killed himself and literally died in front my eyes. I was a complete mess and I honestly don't think I would have made it without the pills. I was able to cope and get up in the morning and go to work and start dealing with the issues I had because they calmed me down enough to do that. I was on them for a year and quit taking them because I didn't think I needed them anymore. That was in 2005.

Early last year I started having fairly bad anxiety after a car accident and I went back on them again. I quit taking them after about 3 months because I didn't like the way they made me feel. I took the same prescription I did the previous time...but I think because I wasn't so messed up, I noticed the bad side effects more. The first time I took them, I could barely function. The second time, it was just general anxiety and depression (which I've lived with my entire adult life). I'd rather live with the anxiety and occasional depression than with the ...."unfeeling" feeling that I had on the pills.

Dammitall · 01-31-2008, 10:29 PM

Thank you all for what you've written. I confess I haven't put the time aside to really read and process everything here, as this week—like almost every week—has been insane and busy. The good news is that I've had some time to process my own shit and have an appointment in eight hours with my trusty therapist. After a year away, it'll be interesting to see how much I decide to disclose to her on my first visit back. What I've written here should be a good stepping stone to getting it all out and figuring out what needs to happen next.

Right now I need to go to bed so I don't sleep through that appointment. Thanks to the glory of telecommuting, I'll hopefully be slacking off from work after I get back and catching up on everything here for real.

Plan9 · 01-31-2008, 10:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stan Dale

That's the ultimate question: Do we trust ourselves or not? Do we trust that we can handle whatever comes up; or will we run scared, hiding in the tunnel of darkness that is laden with ignorance and fear?

As you've seen... you can climb all ya want... but the real test is just simply letting go.

Mantus · 02-01-2008, 12:07 AM

If you are serious about fixing this and rebuilding yourself as a person it will take allot of time and patience.

The most important influence for personal growth in my life has been other people. This is very important. You need to surround yourself with people who prove to you that other ways of thinking and acting are possible. This will open your mind to new possibilities. In combination with your own efforts progress will be made much faster.

As with all cases of personal development; it's important to focus on who you want to be rather than what you wish to fix.

hagatha · 02-01-2008, 06:52 AM

I think you should consider therapy before jumping into medication. Consider your mental health like your physical health---sure you are exhibiting symptoms but your need to treat the cause.

Anxiety and depression usually have external origins that need to be dealt with.

While I agree in part with JJ about chemical imbalances being blamed across the board, I think some mental health issues are chemically induced and should be addressed as such. If there are no external causes, then maybe this is something you need to explore.

that's just my two cents.

LiberalLady · 02-02-2008, 12:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hagatha

I think you should consider therapy before jumping into medication. Consider your mental health like your physical health---sure you are exhibiting symptoms but your need to treat the cause.

Anxiety and depression usually have external origins that need to be dealt with.

While I agree in part with JJ about chemical imbalances being blamed across the board, I think some mental health issues are chemically induced and should be addressed as such. If there are no external causes, then maybe this is something you need to explore.

that's just my two cents.

I personally believe in "better living through chemistry". Consider this though, a decent doctor will not just prescribe anti-depressants and send you along on your merry way. A decent family practice or internist will telll you to get yourself to a therapist for a prescription. Also anti-depressant drugs may not be what you require. There are many different drugs out there that address many different issues. I have been on Paxil, Zoloft and Prozac specifically for depression, but the Cymbalta that I take for nerve pain in my leg is the best mood stabilizer I have taken. Hopefully, when you return to therapy you will receive a diagnosis and receive the correct medication for that diagnosis. More two cents on the life time medication issue. I was taking anti-depressants for almost 10 years. I had accepted that I would probably be on them for the rest of my life. Last year I started to get myself together mentally and dropped from 3 mood stabilizers to one. I am off Prozac for the first time in almost 6 years. Your future is up to you. The most important thing for you to do now is to take some kind of action. Good luck!!!

snowy · 02-04-2008, 03:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by abaya

Two perspectives for you. I got to a point of desperation, just over a year ago, where I asked my long-term therapist to tell me straight up what he actually thought my diagnosis was. He told me generalized anxiety and mild depressive episodes. I took that, went to the nurse, and she prescribed me some anti-depressants. I probably even journaled about it here. I kept them by my bedside for a couple of weeks. I never took the first pill. Shortly afterwards, 2 years of long-distance with my husband ended, and while I still have bouts of anxiety and depression, nothing has ever been as bad as it was then.

If we had to do long-term long-distance again?... I don't know. I might look at the pills again, if nothing else worked (including regular exercise, cognitive-behavioral therapy, and daily journaling on my own--working out my issues), as they were not working for me then. But for now, I am not considering taking them, and cannot imagine doing so ever again. But who knows, really.

The other perspective is that of my mother's experience. She has had "panic attacks" for probably... 15 years now? It started around menopause. She has pretty severe anxiety and depression... her lows are MUCH lower than mine are, and she has not sought out many tools to help get herself out of them. She has gone to talk therapy in years past, but not CBT, and she has not seen a therapist now for a few years. She takes some variety of pills every single day, and probably always will. She does not really have the self-awareness, motivation, or general wherewithal to "sort out her issues." I am always urging her to find these things, or hell, just to take a walk every day to have some physical exercise, but she doesn't do it. She takes the easy way out--she pops a pill every day, as part of her routine (at her age, she has to take a few pills every day anyway, for high blood pressure and whatnot). And, for the most part, it keeps her sane and functioning, which is difficult for her otherwise because of a multitude of circumstances that I won't get into right now.

So, I don't know. I could be all pissed off at her and call her a cop-out or dependent or whatever (I've done all that before, and I do remain quite angry with her for other reasons, when I'm at my weakest), but the fact remains that she is dealing with her own mental issues in the way she feels most comfortable with. Should I look down on her for not being "tough" enough to do this without meds? I don't think I should. Does it work for her? It seems to. Does she want to change that? Not that I can see. So who am I to say that she has a chemical imbalance or not? I'm not her. It's not my body. As long as she is able to treat herself right, and treat me and others right, then I can't really judge her for being on those pills. She's only human. She's never going to "heal" the way *I* want her to. But why the hell should that matter?

People do what they need to do, I guess is my point. Do what you need to do, screw everyone else's opinion.

To me, the medication is what allows me to see the CBT through. It won't work, period, if I'm so depressed I can't even function--and yes, I've been that way before.

Look at medication as a Band-Aid or Neosporin--you put both on an injury to protect it and accelerate the healing process. Needless to say, antidepressant and anti-anxiety medications work in much the same way; they give us mere humans the ability to accelerate the healing process of our minds. But if you don't want to wear your Band-Aid forever, you must engage in some kind of therapy. Find a therapist who specializes in cognitive behavioral therapy. Between the two, you shouldn't be dependent on medication for your entire life, and you'll know in the future when you're slipping, and when you might need to go back on medication. Yes, it does happen--we all fall down.

Suzz04 · 02-05-2008, 04:04 AM

Based on my experiences, I'm almost afraid to post in fear of what would be said, but I feel I should at least say something. Please don't judge me harshly for choosing medication to help my life, it wasn't my first choice. When you've tried everything to change your life for several years without success, it's time to turn to a doctor for help. I spent 10 years trying to figure out and help myself.

I'm 31 now. Since July 2005, I've been on medication for bipolar, anxiety and depression. For the years prior, from about 1993 to 2005, I spent alot of time trying to figure out what was wrong with me, talking to therapists, doctors, time searching through information on the internet. I tried alot of different things before I finally told my doctor I wasn't having any success at getting out of my problems.

She sent me to one pyscharist who did not attempt to help me or explain what was my issues. My doctor then sent me to a second pyscharist, whom gave me a medical diagnosis. I had never considered bipolar to be part of my problem.

Now, for those that are against medication. No, medication is not for everyone. Not all have chemical imbalances. True imbalances are very few and hard to truly diagnos to give a actual legit reason.

Whenever someone is going through these things, it's best to get a medical diagonis. Then go from there is seeking what will help. Let medicine be your last option. It was mine last choice.

I've been on a few different medicines since 2005. In 2006, after being on a set of medicines, I decided that I was doing great and quit taking them. I was doing very well til December.

By January 2007, due to stress of the holidays, bills, relationship and car problems, I had a nervous breakdown and attempted suicide. I voluntarly went to my pyscharist and told him. I was given a choice to check myself in to the hospital or go home to try and do it on my own.

Given that I had a 11 year old daughter at home, I chose to go to the hospital for a week. Granted, I never want to go back again. My medicince was changed, I had all the blood work and other things done. By the time I went home, I felt like I was a normal person. I was still depressed but, I had just lost a relationship of 5 years. I did later meet a wonderful gentleman online that understood my condition and supports me when my times are bad. We're going to be married next year.

Do I feel that I'm condemned to medicine for life? Yes. I have tried to come off the medicine on a few times, with my psycharist's help. But, I relaspe each time. No, I do not have it my frame of mind that I am doomed. I hope for a life to come to not take medication. I try for a life of medication. My "condemned" life to medicine is by choice. For the safety of myself, my daughter, and family, I choose to ensure that I am "normal". I'm doing great considering what I was before. Severe mood swings, lashing out, unintentional rage, depression, many suicidal thoughts, attacks on my daughter for very little things for no reason.

As some said, medicine can be used for a band-aid. You may just need some help to get yourself to functioning right. But, I do have to say that for the sake of yourself, if not others, at least go talk to your doctor for some guidance. They know alot and can help you get started in the right direction to get you back on track.

And .... quoted for truth, from onesnowyowl, we all fall down.

Plan9 · 02-05-2008, 04:32 AM

Healing Process - Step #1: Remove knife from body.

...

If you're constantly wounding yourself... what's the point of trying to heal anything?

snowy · 02-05-2008, 09:17 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Crompsin

Healing Process - Step #1: Remove knife from body.

...

If you're constantly wounding yourself... what's the point of trying to heal anything?

That's where the cognitive-behavioral therapy comes in--it helps you to figure out why you do the things you do to hurt yourself, and gives you ways to fix the issues that are causing those situations. So you get to take the knife out...and stop hurting yourself.

abaya · 02-05-2008, 09:25 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by onesnowyowl

That's where the cognitive-behavioral therapy comes in--it helps you to figure out why you do the things you do to hurt yourself, and gives you ways to fix the issues that are causing those situations. So you get to take the knife out...and stop hurting yourself.

Yep. I heart CBT.

01-25-2008, 11:20 AM	#3 (permalink)
jewels Eponymous Location: Central Central Florida	I'm not sure that it would be a good idea for you to decide to request medication based on our comments and experiences. Get with a good therapist first (if you haven't made any progress, you should have been referred to one that can dispense) and see if they agree with your diagnosis. If you are prescribed meds, don't worry. Keep the bottle on your nightstand. They're there when you set your alarm or when you shut it in the morning. I forget just about everything but this really works to ensure I take my pill every morning. __________________ We are always more anxious to be distinguished for a talent which we do not possess, than to be praised for the fifteen which we do possess. Mark Twain Last edited by jewels; 01-25-2008 at 11:21 AM.. Reason: clarity

01-25-2008, 11:21 AM	#4 (permalink)
Redlemon Devoted Donor Location: New England	I wish Gilda was still on this site. She was going through much of the same issues as you, except hers was from the passiveness and shyness side of the continuum. If I recall correctly, she discussed it in her journal quite a bit, and after much concern over feeling like a failure, decided to accept medication as a way to heal. Her Journal is still on this site. Best of luck. __________________ I can't read your signature. Sorry.

01-25-2008, 02:49 PM	#11 (permalink)
Plan9 I Confess a Shiver	You're not a solipsist, Spinelust. Remember: I'll still kick your ass if necessary. __________________ *Whatever you can carry.* "You should not drink... and bake."

01-25-2008, 06:29 PM	#12 (permalink)
JumpinJesus Junkie Location: Chicago	I spent a few years on medication for anxiety. I'm not a fan of medication at all. I'm not a doctor or a therapist, so whatever I say is simply based on my own experience and opinion. I don't believe in chemical imbalances. I believe the diagnosis of a chemical imbalance is the concoction of lazy therapists, psychiatrists, and the pharmaceutical companies. I believe that our experiences at the early developmental stages have a profound impact on who we eventually become as adults. We take in the world around us long before we have the ability to make sense of it, and our psyche does the best it can to make sense of it. I believe this is the cause of most of our irrational fears. We also have basic needs as human beings. If those needs are not fulfilled during our developmental stages, we will feel those voids our entire lives. Most people go through life without ever having the desire to seek out what our issues are. We just lumber through our lives passing on our problems to our partners and children. Some of us are dealing with issues to such an extent that they begin to affect our daily lives to the point that we see them as problematic and in need of attention. I believe that the type of rage we sometimes feel is based on our inability to understand what is wrong with us. I believe depression is much more profound than "I hate life." However, this does not mean it's inherently chemical-based. It just means that it takes a lot more digging than one hour a week in a therapist's couch to understand. Hence, the reliance on medication. It's quicker and easier to pop a pill once a day than spend an hour a day digging into our own psyche. You say you lie a lot about inconsequential things. Lying is a symptom of what it is that you're dealing with. In my opinion, medication masks the problem and gives you a false sense of healing. I can't begin to describe the ordeal I went through going off the non-habit-forming medication I was on. And when I began experiencing side effects, the response I got wasn't "hmm, maybe we should find a way to deal with this without the medication." The response was: "Let's add another medication and see what happens." I honestly believe that medication for these disorders create more problems than they solve. I wish you the best. I can empathize with your situation and hope you find a way to be happy with yourself. __________________ "I can normally tell how intelligent a man is by how stupid he thinks I am" - Cormac McCarthy, All The Pretty Horses

01-26-2008, 05:20 AM	#14 (permalink)
abaya Location: Iceland	Two perspectives for you. I got to a point of desperation, just over a year ago, where I asked my long-term therapist to tell me straight up what he actually thought my diagnosis was. He told me generalized anxiety and mild depressive episodes. I took that, went to the nurse, and she prescribed me some anti-depressants. I probably even journaled about it here. I kept them by my bedside for a couple of weeks. I never took the first pill. Shortly afterwards, 2 years of long-distance with my husband ended, and while I still have bouts of anxiety and depression, nothing has ever been as bad as it was then. If we had to do long-term long-distance again?... I don't know. I might look at the pills again, if nothing else worked (including regular exercise, cognitive-behavioral therapy, and daily journaling on my own--working out my issues), as they were not working for me then. But for now, I am not considering taking them, and cannot imagine doing so ever again. But who knows, really. The other perspective is that of my mother's experience. She has had "panic attacks" for probably... 15 years now? It started around menopause. She has pretty severe anxiety and depression... her lows are MUCH lower than mine are, and she has not sought out many tools to help get herself out of them. She has gone to talk therapy in years past, but not CBT, and she has not seen a therapist now for a few years. She takes some variety of pills every single day, and probably always will. She does not really have the self-awareness, motivation, or general wherewithal to "sort out her issues." I am always urging her to find these things, or hell, just to take a walk every day to have some physical exercise, but she doesn't do it. She takes the easy way out--she pops a pill every day, as part of her routine (at her age, she has to take a few pills every day anyway, for high blood pressure and whatnot). And, for the most part, it keeps her sane and functioning, which is difficult for her otherwise because of a multitude of circumstances that I won't get into right now. So, I don't know. I could be all pissed off at her and call her a cop-out or dependent or whatever (I've done all that before, and I do remain quite angry with her for other reasons, when I'm at my weakest), but the fact remains that she is dealing with her own mental issues in the way she feels most comfortable with. Should I look down on her for not being "tough" enough to do this without meds? I don't think I should. Does it work for her? It seems to. Does she want to change that? Not that I can see. So who am I to say that she has a chemical imbalance or not? I'm not her. It's not my body. As long as she is able to treat herself right, and treat me and others right, then I can't really judge her for being on those pills. She's only human. She's never going to "heal" the way I want her to. But why the hell should that matter? People do what they need to do, I guess is my point. Do what you need to do, screw everyone else's opinion. __________________ And think not you can direct the course of Love; for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course. --Khalil Gibran

01-25-2008, 11:06 AM	#2 (permalink)
Bear Cub The Reverend Side Boob Location: Nofe Curolina	You just need to establish routine. If that doesn't work, sit back for a minute and ask yourself if feeling miserable is fine with you, or if you'd rather spend the 15 seconds a day to have a better outlook on life. Don't assume you'll be dependent on them forever, either. They were borderline on whether or not to institutionalize me 4 years ago. 3 years later, off all mood-altering prescriptions altogether.

01-25-2008, 11:40 AM	#5 (permalink)
Willravel ... a sort of licensed troubleshooter.	Taking anti-depressants, for some people and under the guided supervision of a professional, is not a failure; it could be a success. If their effect is ultimately beneficial I would see that as a victory. If you're worried about you ability to take medications consistently, ask your partner for help. I'm sure she will recognize that you're honestly trying to fix these problems that you're both concerned about. BTW, try to take those antibiotics. I wash my meds down with something I enjoy drinking, creating a Pavlovian association between the two. "Antibiotics? Mmmm!! Grape juice!"

01-25-2008, 01:28 PM	#7 (permalink)
robot_parade Junkie Location: San Antonio, TX	Well, first, get a medical diagnosis. That's what you should base your decision on. From what you say, it sounds highly likely that your Dr. would prescribe some sort of medication. If so, look at it this way - you can be sentenced to a life of anti-depressants, or you could be sentenced to a life of not being the person you could be. What would you tell your best friend, if he/she were in the same situation you're in?

01-25-2008, 07:56 PM	#13 (permalink)
ngdawg peekaboo Location: on the back, bitch	I actually agree with JJ on most of this. I too was on a shelfful of meds for panic attacks, hiatal hernia, vertigo, chronic sinus infections, GERD and muscle inflammations. Every single one of those ailments were self-originated. It took my utter disgust for what was before me on that shelf-bottles and bottles of medications-that made me go to a therapist specializing in what my particular problem was. She taught me how to deal with my behaviors, how to change my mindset and understand why I was the way I was. When she felt I was able to cope and I agreed, I threw out those bottles. It was a feeling of freedom that to this day is hard to match. I strongly reccomend you find someone who can help you change your mindset, not medicate it. Meds are bandaids in all but the most severe of cases, ie; schizophrenia or true bipolarism. You appear not to suffer from a chemical imbalance, but behavior imbalances. (This is where I disagree-I do think there are legit chemical/wiring imbalances, not just as much as we are lead to believe) Look, we all slam our fists, shout obscenities, etc. because we're human. We lie to protect ourselves from truth. We have breaking points, we have weaknesses and we have to learn to deal with them, not mask them under some mind-altering pill or worse.

01-26-2008, 03:41 PM	#16 (permalink)
Nimetic Junkie Location: Melbourne, Australia	In my experience - "pills" aren't all negative. There's pros/cons for sure, and the path is somewhat complex. And heck, maybe it's your situation that is abnormal. Perhaps living in a modern city with a modern job is the strange bit. (I don't know where you work though).

01-26-2008, 03:51 PM	#17 (permalink)
Plan9 I Confess a Shiver	You don't need medication. You need SportRock. __________________ *Whatever you can carry.* "You should not drink... and bake."

01-26-2008, 06:57 PM	#18 (permalink)
Grasshopper Green ...is a comical chap Location: Where morons reign supreme	I've been on anti-depressants twice. The first time was after my brother killed himself and literally died in front my eyes. I was a complete mess and I honestly don't think I would have made it without the pills. I was able to cope and get up in the morning and go to work and start dealing with the issues I had because they calmed me down enough to do that. I was on them for a year and quit taking them because I didn't think I needed them anymore. That was in 2005. Early last year I started having fairly bad anxiety after a car accident and I went back on them again. I quit taking them after about 3 months because I didn't like the way they made me feel. I took the same prescription I did the previous time...but I think because I wasn't so messed up, I noticed the bad side effects more. The first time I took them, I could barely function. The second time, it was just general anxiety and depression (which I've lived with my entire adult life). I'd rather live with the anxiety and occasional depression than with the ...."unfeeling" feeling that I had on the pills. __________________ "They say that patriotism is the last refuge to which a scoundrel clings; steal a little and they throw you in jail, steal a lot and they make you king" Formerly Medusa

02-01-2008, 12:07 AM	#21 (permalink)
Mantus lascivious	If you are serious about fixing this and rebuilding yourself as a person it will take allot of time and patience. The most important influence for personal growth in my life has been other people. This is very important. You need to surround yourself with people who prove to you that other ways of thinking and acting are possible. This will open your mind to new possibilities. In combination with your own efforts progress will be made much faster. As with all cases of personal development; it's important to focus on who you want to be rather than what you wish to fix.

02-01-2008, 06:52 AM	#22 (permalink)
hagatha Addict	I think you should consider therapy before jumping into medication. Consider your mental health like your physical health---sure you are exhibiting symptoms but your need to treat the cause. Anxiety and depression usually have external origins that need to be dealt with. While I agree in part with JJ about chemical imbalances being blamed across the board, I think some mental health issues are chemically induced and should be addressed as such. If there are no external causes, then maybe this is something you need to explore. that's just my two cents. __________________ Thats the last time I trust the strangest people I ever met....H. Simpson

02-05-2008, 04:04 AM	#25 (permalink)
Suzz04 Crazy Location: Virginia	Based on my experiences, I'm almost afraid to post in fear of what would be said, but I feel I should at least say something. Please don't judge me harshly for choosing medication to help my life, it wasn't my first choice. When you've tried everything to change your life for several years without success, it's time to turn to a doctor for help. I spent 10 years trying to figure out and help myself. I'm 31 now. Since July 2005, I've been on medication for bipolar, anxiety and depression. For the years prior, from about 1993 to 2005, I spent alot of time trying to figure out what was wrong with me, talking to therapists, doctors, time searching through information on the internet. I tried alot of different things before I finally told my doctor I wasn't having any success at getting out of my problems. She sent me to one pyscharist who did not attempt to help me or explain what was my issues. My doctor then sent me to a second pyscharist, whom gave me a medical diagnosis. I had never considered bipolar to be part of my problem. Now, for those that are against medication. No, medication is not for everyone. Not all have chemical imbalances. True imbalances are very few and hard to truly diagnos to give a actual legit reason. Whenever someone is going through these things, it's best to get a medical diagonis. Then go from there is seeking what will help. Let medicine be your last option. It was mine last choice. I've been on a few different medicines since 2005. In 2006, after being on a set of medicines, I decided that I was doing great and quit taking them. I was doing very well til December. By January 2007, due to stress of the holidays, bills, relationship and car problems, I had a nervous breakdown and attempted suicide. I voluntarly went to my pyscharist and told him. I was given a choice to check myself in to the hospital or go home to try and do it on my own. Given that I had a 11 year old daughter at home, I chose to go to the hospital for a week. Granted, I never want to go back again. My medicince was changed, I had all the blood work and other things done. By the time I went home, I felt like I was a normal person. I was still depressed but, I had just lost a relationship of 5 years. I did later meet a wonderful gentleman online that understood my condition and supports me when my times are bad. We're going to be married next year. Do I feel that I'm condemned to medicine for life? Yes. I have tried to come off the medicine on a few times, with my psycharist's help. But, I relaspe each time. No, I do not have it my frame of mind that I am doomed. I hope for a life to come to not take medication. I try for a life of medication. My "condemned" life to medicine is by choice. For the safety of myself, my daughter, and family, I choose to ensure that I am "normal". I'm doing great considering what I was before. Severe mood swings, lashing out, unintentional rage, depression, many suicidal thoughts, attacks on my daughter for very little things for no reason. As some said, medicine can be used for a band-aid. You may just need some help to get yourself to functioning right. But, I do have to say that for the sake of yourself, if not others, at least go talk to your doctor for some guidance. They know alot and can help you get started in the right direction to get you back on track. And .... quoted for truth, from onesnowyowl, we all fall down. __________________ Quantum Cat Theory: Upon hearing the sound of a can being opened, it becomes possible for a cat to travel faster than the speed of light.

02-05-2008, 04:32 AM	#26 (permalink)
Plan9 I Confess a Shiver	Healing Process - Step #1: Remove knife from body. ... If you're constantly wounding yourself... what's the point of trying to heal anything? __________________ *Whatever you can carry.* "You should not drink... and bake."