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I spent a few years on medication for anxiety. I'm not a fan of medication at all. I'm not a doctor or a therapist, so whatever I say is simply based on my own experience and opinion.
I don't believe in chemical imbalances. I believe the diagnosis of a chemical imbalance is the concoction of lazy therapists, psychiatrists, and the pharmaceutical companies.
I believe that our experiences at the early developmental stages have a profound impact on who we eventually become as adults. We take in the world around us long before we have the ability to make sense of it, and our psyche does the best it can to make sense of it. I believe this is the cause of most of our irrational fears.
We also have basic needs as human beings. If those needs are not fulfilled during our developmental stages, we will feel those voids our entire lives. Most people go through life without ever having the desire to seek out what our issues are. We just lumber through our lives passing on our problems to our partners and children. Some of us are dealing with issues to such an extent that they begin to affect our daily lives to the point that we see them as problematic and in need of attention. I believe that the type of rage we sometimes feel is based on our inability to understand what is wrong with us. I believe depression is much more profound than "I hate life." However, this does not mean it's inherently chemical-based. It just means that it takes a lot more digging than one hour a week in a therapist's couch to understand. Hence, the reliance on medication. It's quicker and easier to pop a pill once a day than spend an hour a day digging into our own psyche.
You say you lie a lot about inconsequential things. Lying is a symptom of what it is that you're dealing with.
In my opinion, medication masks the problem and gives you a false sense of healing.
I can't begin to describe the ordeal I went through going off the non-habit-forming medication I was on. And when I began experiencing side effects, the response I got wasn't "hmm, maybe we should find a way to deal with this without the medication." The response was: "Let's add another medication and see what happens."
I honestly believe that medication for these disorders create more problems than they solve. I wish you the best. I can empathize with your situation and hope you find a way to be happy with yourself.
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"I can normally tell how intelligent a man is by how stupid he thinks I am" - Cormac McCarthy, All The Pretty Horses
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