Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community  

Go Back   Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community > The Academy > Tilted Life


 
 
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 11-09-2007, 12:55 AM   #1 (permalink)
Upright
 
walkdontwalk's Avatar
 
Location: Cape Town, South Africa
To stay... or go?

Hey...

Put yourselves in my shoes for a minute...

Been dating my SO for nearly four years, been living together for nearly a year.

A buddy of mine has recently emigrated to the UK, and tells me he has planned a trip to Japan for 2 weeks.
He tosses a casual invite my way, and for the first time, I think to myself that I have the funds to actually pull this off.

I broach the subject with the SO, who gives me a chilly "you should go" but at the same time lets me know that she's really hurt that I would want to go overseas without her... even if it's just for 2 weeks...

We start talking about the possibility of her coming with, but she tells me that, because the idea wasn't mine to begin with, she won't enjoy herself there, as she feels I'm only going for my buddy (which is partially true, as I haven't seen him in person for a year...).

I'm 24, I've never travelled, and keep worrying that the older I get, the less opportunities I'll have to do this... I have this enormous cloud of guilt hanging over me for getting so excited about this trip at the start, but it's now
just manifested into a situation where I lose if I go by myself (tremendous guilt and the possibility of never being forgiven), going with the SO (I will resent her for being miserable that she doesn't like how the plan originated) or staying home (I'm a bit of a Japanophile and will regret not going for the rest of my life).

Do you guys think that this is symptomatic of a larger problem in the relationship?
Am I getting a raw deal?
Or am I being a selfish prick?

God, I hate not being able to see which is the right choice...

W
walkdontwalk is offline  
Old 11-09-2007, 01:31 AM   #2 (permalink)
Tilted
 
Chiyachan's Avatar
 
Location: Swindon
She said go, it's an offer to Japan, TAKE IT.
Just make the SO feel wanted and valued before and after the trip. Understand that she's going to miss you.
She also needs to realise, you need to explore and discover more.
If you don't take the trip, you might not regret it straight after, but eventually, you'll hate her for stopping you from going, even if she said for you to go, yet you didn't.
Chiyachan is offline  
Old 11-09-2007, 01:36 AM   #3 (permalink)
Junkie
 
Infinite_Loser's Avatar
 
Location: Lake Mary, FL
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chiyachan
She said go, it's an offer to Japan, TAKE IT.
Yeah... Even I know well enough that there's a fairly good chance that she didn't actually mean for him to go by that statement. It's more along the lines of a "You-can-go-but-you'd-better-be-damn-sure-I'm-going-to-remind-you-of-the-time-you-didn't-invite-me-along-with-you-when-you-went-to-Japan" sort of thing.

Now, personally, I'd invite her along. If I had someone that important to me, I wouldn't be able to fathom leaving them behind while I go on vacation. That seems sorta'... Wrong to me.
__________________
I believe in equality; Everyone is equally inferior to me.
Infinite_Loser is offline  
Old 11-09-2007, 04:52 AM   #4 (permalink)
Insensative Fuck.
 
Location: Boon towns of Ohio
she'll get over it... you'd be a fool not to go
__________________
Quote:
Originally Posted by Crompsin
Menoman is my hero. He masturbates with Brillo pads. And likes it.
Menoman is offline  
Old 11-09-2007, 04:53 AM   #5 (permalink)
peekaboo
 
ngdawg's Avatar
 
Location: on the back, bitch
While it's important to consider someone else's feelings, you have to have some amount of selfishness too. You will hold it against her if you don't go. You don't know if this opportunity will ever come around again and, like Chiyachan said, there will come a time you will regret iti if you acquiesce to her . Been there, done that, didn't get the tshirt.
Two weeks is nothing in a lifetime. And being apart is not a bad thing-it gives each of you the chance to be yourselves and do a little self-exploration. If she has people she hasn't seen in a while, she should reconnect during this time.
Go.
ngdawg is offline  
Old 11-09-2007, 05:04 AM   #6 (permalink)
That's what she said
 
dirtyrascal7's Avatar
 
You should definitely go, but I wouldn't bring her along with you.

If you bring her along, you'd likely make your friend feel like he's the 3rd wheel... which is unpleasant enough, but the fact that the trip was his idea in the first place makes it an easy decision to not bring her with you -- he invited you, not the two of you.
__________________
"Tie yourself to your limitless potential, rather than your limiting past."

"Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that, I learn of him."
dirtyrascal7 is offline  
Old 11-09-2007, 05:41 AM   #7 (permalink)
Darth Papa
 
ratbastid's Avatar
 
Location: Yonder
Quote:
Originally Posted by ngdawg
While it's important to consider someone else's feelings, you have to have some amount of selfishness too. You will hold it against her if you don't go. You don't know if this opportunity will ever come around again and, like Chiyachan said, there will come a time you will regret iti if you acquiesce to her . Been there, done that, didn't get the tshirt.
Two weeks is nothing in a lifetime. And being apart is not a bad thing-it gives each of you the chance to be yourselves and do a little self-exploration. If she has people she hasn't seen in a while, she should reconnect during this time.
Go.
Quoted for truth. Once again ngdawg beats me to it.
ratbastid is offline  
Old 11-09-2007, 06:45 AM   #8 (permalink)
Devoted
 
Redlemon's Avatar
 
Donor
Location: New England
Quote:
Originally Posted by walkdontwalk
We start talking about the possibility of her coming with, but she tells me that, because the idea wasn't mine to begin with, she won't enjoy herself there, as she feels I'm only going for my buddy (which is partially true, as I haven't seen him in person for a year...).
That's emotional blackmail. Has she pulled similar things in the past?
__________________
I can't read your signature. Sorry.
Redlemon is offline  
Old 11-09-2007, 08:32 AM   #9 (permalink)
Sauce Puppet
 
kurty[B]'s Avatar
 
I say go!

But you're also talking to a guy who went to the Middle East for six months, and am no longer dating the girl I left behind. Of course, I have never looked back and don't regret doing it in the least.
__________________
In the Absence of Information People Make Things Up.
kurty[B] is offline  
Old 11-09-2007, 08:48 AM   #10 (permalink)
Submit to me, you know you want to
 
ShaniFaye's Avatar
 
Location: Lilburn, Ga
I am kind of curious why this friend invites someone that has been in a relationship with the same person for 4 year and doesnt invite the SO, its not like you're going a few states away for a "boys" weekend. This is a monumental trip.

Dave would never in a million years even think about asking to go and leave me at home.
__________________
I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!
ShaniFaye is offline  
Old 11-09-2007, 09:21 AM   #11 (permalink)
Banned
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by ngdawg
While it's important to consider someone else's feelings, you have to have some amount of selfishness too. You will hold it against her if you don't go. You don't know if this opportunity will ever come around again and, like Chiyachan said, there will come a time you will regret iti if you acquiesce to her . Been there, done that, didn't get the tshirt.
Two weeks is nothing in a lifetime. And being apart is not a bad thing-it gives each of you the chance to be yourselves and do a little self-exploration. If she has people she hasn't seen in a while, she should reconnect during this time.
Go.
Yeah. You're not attached at the hip, and you shouldn't give in to emotional blackmail. It is what it is- you and your friend are going to vacation for 2 weeks, you haven't seen each other in a while, and this is something you've wanted to do for some time. It's not like he said "hey lets go get some whores together". You're just going away for a measly 2 weeks. If she can't live without you for a whole 2 weeks, that's a real codependency problem.
analog is offline  
Old 11-09-2007, 11:49 AM   #12 (permalink)
Junkie
 
Infinite_Loser's Avatar
 
Location: Lake Mary, FL
Some of the responses here sadden me.

If I were your girlfriend and you left me behind while you went on a trip to Japan, I sure as hell wouldn't be waiting for you with open arms when you got back. What I don't understand is why you wouldn't want your girlfriend to go along, especially since it's a "Once in a lifetime opportunity"? Considering the fact that you've been with your girlfriend for four years, it should no longer be solely about "You" but rather about "You and your girlfriend". It doesn't matter if your buddy invited her or not. The assumption of all long-term couples is that if you invite someone on a rather big trip that the other is also going to come along.

How would you feel if your girlfriend decided to go off to, say, Paris for two weeks and didn't invite you along? You'd probably be crushed, hurt, humiliated and would start to question your relationship.
__________________
I believe in equality; Everyone is equally inferior to me.

Last edited by Infinite_Loser; 11-09-2007 at 12:03 PM..
Infinite_Loser is offline  
Old 11-09-2007, 12:16 PM   #13 (permalink)
We work alone
 
LoganSnake's Avatar
 
Location: Cake Town
Quote:
Originally Posted by Infinite_Loser
Some of the responses here sadden me.

If I were your girlfriend and you left me behind while you went on a trip to Japan, I sure as hell wouldn't be waiting for you with open arms when you got back. What I don't understand is why you wouldn't want your girlfriend to go along, especially since it's a "Once in a lifetime opportunity"? Considering the fact that you've been with your girlfriend for four years, it should no longer be solely about "You" but rather about "You and your girlfriend". It doesn't matter if your buddy invited her or not. The assumption of all long-term couples is that if you invite someone on a rather big trip that the other is also going to come along.

How would you feel if your girlfriend decided to go off to, say, Paris for two weeks and didn't invite you along? You'd probably be crushed, hurt, humiliated and would start to question your relationship.
Except that he did invite her and she said no.
__________________
Maturity is knowing you were an idiot in the past. Wisdom is knowing that you'll be an idiot in the future. Common sense is knowing that you should try not to be an idiot now. - J. Jacques
LoganSnake is offline  
Old 11-09-2007, 01:26 PM   #14 (permalink)
That's what she said
 
dirtyrascal7's Avatar
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Infinite_Loser
Some of the responses here sadden me.

If I were your girlfriend and you left me behind while you went on a trip to Japan, I sure as hell wouldn't be waiting for you with open arms when you got back. What I don't understand is why you wouldn't want your girlfriend to go along, especially since it's a "Once in a lifetime opportunity"? Considering the fact that you've been with your girlfriend for four years, it should no longer be solely about "You" but rather about "You and your girlfriend". It doesn't matter if your buddy invited her or not. The assumption of all long-term couples is that if you invite someone on a rather big trip that the other is also going to come along.

How would you feel if your girlfriend decided to go off to, say, Paris for two weeks and didn't invite you along? You'd probably be crushed, hurt, humiliated and would start to question your relationship.
You say that like the trip was walkdontwalk's idea. It wasn't... and therein lies the difference.

And I don't agree with your assumption, either. I don't believe that couples should always act like they're conjoined twins. They are still individuals with their own interests and priorities and their own set of friends. His approach to life isn't solely about him... and that should be obvious because 1. he already talked to her about the possibility of her going with and 2. he's posted about it asking for advice.

If he were considering moving to Japan without her, then you may have a valid point... but I just don't see this as a big deal and if my SO was invited to travel overseas with a friend, I would wish her the best and tell her to send me a few postcards.
__________________
"Tie yourself to your limitless potential, rather than your limiting past."

"Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that, I learn of him."
dirtyrascal7 is offline  
Old 11-09-2007, 02:09 PM   #15 (permalink)
Addict
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by dirtyrascal7
If he were considering moving to Japan without her, then you may have a valid point... but I just don't see this as a big deal and if my SO was invited to travel overseas with a friend, I would wish her the best and tell her to send me a few postcards.
I feel exactly the same way, I'd be happy for my partner's opportunity, and I've got a wife and three kids. That's not to say that I'd expect the little lady to see things that way if I was the one going. But that's her problem. really.
tooth is offline  
Old 11-10-2007, 02:53 AM   #16 (permalink)
Oh dear God he breeded
 
Seer666's Avatar
 
Location: Arizona
You live with her, you haven't seen him in over a year. This is not a good ye I'm moving thing, it's a chance to see an old friend you haven't had a chance to see a long time. If just for that, I would go. That it is in Japan is just that much better. Go. She may be a bit upset for a little while, but explain to her that this is more about seeing an old friend then it is seeing Japan. If she doesn't understand that, then well, I don't know what to tell you.
__________________
Bad spellers of the world untie!!!

I am the one you warned me of

I seem to have misplaced the bullet with your name on it, but I have a whole box addressed to occupant.
Seer666 is offline  
Old 11-10-2007, 03:38 AM   #17 (permalink)
Upright
 
walkdontwalk's Avatar
 
Location: Cape Town, South Africa
Quote:
Originally Posted by Redlemon
That's emotional blackmail. Has she pulled similar things in the past?
Indeed... A few times, yeah...

It's just difficult to swallow because she's flown across the country before to see her friends for a week... It never bothered me, I wished her a good trip and kept in constant email contact and phone contact with her...

I dunno... Maybe she over-reacting a bit because it's my first trip overseas and she would want me to do that sort of thing with her...

The fact of the matter is: yes, my buddy didn't invite her, but he wouldn't mind her coming. It would make it a very different kind of trip, however...
And as she's already stated that she's not keen (for whatever reason) I'm inclined to just let sleeping dogs lie and buy my ticket.

Thanks, guys, loads of sage advice!

W
walkdontwalk is offline  
Old 11-10-2007, 04:10 AM   #18 (permalink)
Young Crumudgeon
 
Martian's Avatar
 
Location: Canada
You won't regret this decision.

Your girlfriend cannot and should not control your decision making. You've made a reasonable attempt to include her in this, which is already going a step farther than you really had to; as has been pointed out it's very natural and healthy for you to have a life apart from her. You need to be your own person, which means (among other things) that you will occasionally be spending time apart. She needs to figure out how to be okay with that and that's the bottom line.
__________________
I wake up in the morning more tired than before I slept
I get through cryin' and I'm sadder than before I wept
I get through thinkin' now, and the thoughts have left my head
I get through speakin' and I can't remember, not a word that I said

- Ben Harper, Show Me A Little Shame
Martian is offline  
Old 11-10-2007, 02:45 PM   #19 (permalink)
Insane
 
hrandani's Avatar
 
This is hilarious to me. I was going to type in reply "You know that she would go if she was in your situation," then I read that she did.

It's just two weeks, if she can't handle you having fun by yourself then you need to look into fixing or junking your relationship with her. Seriously, the mindset that some people in this thread are advocating is extremely unhealthy.

As for Infinite Loser's quote:
The assumption of all long-term couples is that if you invite someone on a rather big trip that the other is also going to come along.

What the holy hell? I have no response. I have friends where I absolutely despise their SO and vice versa, and the thought of inviting them along just because they happen to be fucking is ridiculous.

My final advice to you is the adage "If you ain't got trust, you ain't got shit."
hrandani is offline  
Old 11-17-2007, 03:11 PM   #20 (permalink)
Leaning against the -Sun-
 
little_tippler's Avatar
 
Super Moderator
Location: on the other side
I think you should go and I'm a girl. Does that help?

I understand the arguments from others saying she should be able to go with you.

But at the same time, I think she should be understanding of the fact that this is something between friends and that you are independent people, despite the fact that you love each other very much, that can do things apart and still be a solid couple. The fact that she has done this herself (though not gone as far away, granted), seems to be relevant to me. I think maybe she is just curious about Japan too and is sorry to miss the chance...

Still. You should go.

If she wants to go, that seems fine too, but you'll have to clear the air between you and her, and you and your friend, on that situation, before you make that move.
__________________
Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.


Fernando Pessoa, 1918
little_tippler is offline  
Old 11-17-2007, 03:39 PM   #21 (permalink)
MSD
The sky calls to us ...
 
MSD's Avatar
 
Super Moderator
Location: CT
Go, but since she is obviously upset that you're going, put aside some money each paycheck for the vacation you take with her to Paris or Rome or wherever next summer (because who the hell wants to go on a romantic vacation in the middle of Winter?)
MSD is offline  
Old 11-19-2007, 06:06 PM   #22 (permalink)
Currently sour but formerly Dlishs
 
dlish's Avatar
 
Super Moderator
Location: Australia/UAE
shes gonna be upset if u go.. ure gonna be upset if u dont.

so just say "fuck it..im going"
__________________
An injustice anywhere, is an injustice everywhere

I always sign my facebook comments with ()()===========(}. Does that make me gay?
- Filthy
dlish is offline  
Old 11-19-2007, 07:29 PM   #23 (permalink)
Knight of the Old Republic
 
Lasereth's Avatar
 
Location: Winston-Salem, NC
Two weeks. Two weeks...TWO WEEKS???????

Am I missing something???

Me and my fiancee were apart for 2-4 weeks every single month in college. Going on a damned trip with a friend for 2 weeks is NOTHING. If she's making a big deal about it she needs a nice cup of Stop Being A Drama Queen®. The friend invited you, not her. Guess what: a trip with a friend isn't more fun with your SO along. It alienates the friend who invited you and then it becomes you and SO with friend tagging along instead of the friendship-building trip it should be.

/gag
Lasereth is offline  
Old 11-19-2007, 08:04 PM   #24 (permalink)
Young Crumudgeon
 
Martian's Avatar
 
Location: Canada
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lasereth
Two weeks. Two weeks...TWO WEEKS???????
I'm suddenly expecting Lasereth to take his head off, revealing that he's actually Arnold Schwarzenegger in disguise.
__________________
I wake up in the morning more tired than before I slept
I get through cryin' and I'm sadder than before I wept
I get through thinkin' now, and the thoughts have left my head
I get through speakin' and I can't remember, not a word that I said

- Ben Harper, Show Me A Little Shame
Martian is offline  
Old 11-19-2007, 08:22 PM   #25 (permalink)
Big & Brassy
 
Mister Coaster's Avatar
 
Location: The "Canyon"
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lasereth
Two weeks. Two weeks...TWO WEEKS???????

Am I missing something???

Me and my fiancee were apart for 2-4 weeks every single month in college. Going on a damned trip with a friend for 2 weeks is NOTHING. If she's making a big deal about it she needs a nice cup of Stop Being A Drama Queen®. The friend invited you, not her. Guess what: a trip with a friend isn't more fun with your SO along. It alienates the friend who invited you and then it becomes you and SO with friend tagging along instead of the friendship-building trip it should be.

/gag
Uh... yeah, what he said. If she's going to guilt you out of a TWO WEEK trip of a lifetime, then this is a big time red flag. If this were a 6 month thing, then that's a tough call, but 2 weeks... c'mon? Yeah, 4 years is a long relationship for a 24 year old. But a 2 week break for something that is really important to one member of the realtionship should serve to strengthen it, not break it apart. If it does break it apart, then this is a great way to come to the realization that she's not "the one."

Bottom line... GO!
__________________
If you have any poo... fling it NOW!
Mister Coaster is offline  
Old 11-20-2007, 07:59 AM   #26 (permalink)
Knight of the Old Republic
 
Lasereth's Avatar
 
Location: Winston-Salem, NC
Quote:
Originally Posted by Martian
I'm suddenly expecting Lasereth to take his head off, revealing that he's actually Arnold Schwarzenegger in disguise.
MAD props for calling it out!!!
Lasereth is offline  
Old 11-20-2007, 09:23 AM   #27 (permalink)
Lover - Protector - Teacher
 
Jinn's Avatar
 
Location: Seattle, WA
Quote:
I broach the subject with the SO, who gives me a chilly "you should go" but at the same time lets me know that she's really hurt that I would want to go overseas without her... even if it's just for 2 weeks...
If she says "You should go," take her by what she says. If someone consistently blackmails you in such a way, continue to take what they say, rather than what they imply with their face or body language. Soon enough, they'll learn that they have to actually SAY what they mean, rather than say what they DON'T mean and hope that you pick up on the nonverbal cues.

It goes for men and women alike, but I see women do it more often, because they're rarely challenged to say what they mean.
__________________
"I'm typing on a computer of science, which is being sent by science wires to a little science server where you can access it. I'm not typing on a computer of philosophy or religion or whatever other thing you think can be used to understand the universe because they're a poor substitute in the role of understanding the universe which exists independent from ourselves." - Willravel
Jinn is offline  
Old 11-20-2007, 02:06 PM   #28 (permalink)
Insane
 
pornclerk's Avatar
 
Location: Ontario, Canada
Ok, I don't mean to sound snobby, but come on, it's 2 freakin' weeks! If she can't live without you for that long then there is something seriously wrong here. It would be a little weird for her to come along because there was no original intention for her to go.

If my boyfriend came to me and said he was going to Japan for two weeks, I would be happy for him and plan some fun guyless days with my girlfriends. Seriously, if someone is not supportive of you, then do they really care about your feelings? I don't know your girlfriend personally, but it seems she is being a bit selfish. I think you should go and not think twice. You are not doing something wrong because you make some small decision that doesn't include her.
__________________
Who wants a twig when you can have the whole tree?
pornclerk is offline  
 

Tags
stay

Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 07:51 AM.

Tilted Forum Project

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Optimization by vBSEO 3.6.0 PL2
© 2002-2012 Tilted Forum Project

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60 61 62 63 64 65 66 67 68 69 70 71 72 73 74 75 76 77 78 79 80 81 82 83 84 85 86 87 88 89 90 91 92 93 94 95 96 97 98 99 100 101 102 103 104 105 106 107 108 109 110 111 112 113 114 115 116 117 118 119 120 121 122 123 124 125 126 127 128 129 130 131 132 133 134 135 136 137 138 139 140 141 142 143 144 145 146 147 148 149 150 151 152 153 154 155 156 157 158 159 160 161 162 163 164 165 166 167 168 169 170 171 172 173 174 175 176 177 178 179 180 181 182 183 184 185 186 187 188 189 190 191 192 193 194 195 196 197 198 199 200 201 202 203 204 205 206 207 208 209 210 211 212 213 214 215 216 217 218 219 220 221 222 223 224 225 226 227 228 229 230 231 232 233 234 235 236 237 238 239 240 241 242 243 244 245 246 247 248 249 250 251 252 253 254 255 256 257 258 259 260 261 262 263 264 265 266 267 268 269 270 271 272 273 274 275 276 277 278 279 280 281 282 283 284 285 286 287 288 289 290 291 292 293 294 295 296 297 298 299 300 301 302 303 304 305 306 307 308 309 310 311 312 313 314 315 316 317 318 319 320 321 322 323 324 325 326 327 328 329 330 331 332 333 334 335 336 337 338 339 340 341 342 343 344 345 346 347 348 349 350 351 352 353 354 355 356 357 358 359 360