soma

For those of you following my troubled relationship here at TPF, I'm unhappy to announce that it is finally over for good.

I'm a bit depressed now. I wanted to get back with her, but I now know she has absolutely no interest in me any more and that hurts. How can I get over her. I'm trying not to mope around to much and feel bad for myself, but at the same time ... well I don't know what to do in this situation. Again, this is my first relationship.

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Shauk

man, we suck at manhood.

*sigh*


lets go get trashed, works for everyone else.

Esoteric

This might sound cliche, but time heals all wounds. Just find things to do that will help you take your mind off of her. Also, I would say try not to do things that you and her normally did that you enjoyed because it will cause you to reminisce and will probably make you feel bad.

soma

i'm going to try to channel my depression into something positive. Like working out and working hard at school. That's my plan so far.

I don't know. It just sucks how quickly she got over me. I talked with her today and it felt like i was nothing to her. Less than a week ago she was telling me how much she missed me and how she wanted me back. *shrug

How have all of you dealt with heartbreak?

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abaya

When I had my worst break-up in my young-adult life, my crew coach basically just said, "This is gonna suck for a long time." He was right, and there's nothing you can say or do to change that fact. Sorry, man.

Have you done a search for other "just broke up" threads?... I think there's a lot of good advice floating around this community already, personally.

But, in a few words: Cut off contact completely, indefinitely. I think I've told you this before, no? And yeah, focus on other stuff... and eventually, it will start to dull the pain. It just takes a helluva long time. As long as you realize that, and look it in the face... you'll be okay.

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And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

oFia

It'll suck. It'll suck for a long time. It'll suck even when it's not your first relationship.

Channeling energy into something good, like school and exercise is good.

I'd suggest doing something new. That can be anything from getting a haircut, to getting some new clothes, to joining in some kind of activity at school.

And if the only reason you are talking to her is to see "how she is" and "how she acts towards you" ... stop it. That will only make it worse.

I dealt with my divorce by starting smoking again, getting angry, working overtime and eventually by falling in love with a much (MUCH) better guy.

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Disclaimer: No one was harmed in the making of this post. If you feel that I am not simply stating my opinion and am attempting to bait you or someone else then please reconsider. I do not intentionally attempt to bait anyone.

xxxafterglow

Ahhh Soma... cut her out of your life. Delete old emails and her phone number from your cell.

Stuff gets better in time. If it helps, think of it as valuable experience for your next relationship... most people don't stay in their first relationship anyway.

You'll be allllllllriiiiight.

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Uh huh her.

soma

First of all, thanks for the posts. I feel like you guys are like ... anonymous friends.

What about starting to date other people? Or is it too soon. I feel like there is negative sentiment attached to any rebound dating. Is this true? I think dating other people would make me feel better...

Thoughts?

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Lucifer

I try to jump back in the dating thing asap. Don't dwell on it, DON'T chat about it with your new date, but I think going out there and getting on with it is a healthy thing. And thinking about someone new, really helps me get over someone old.

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I am a brother to dragons, and a companion to owls.
- Job 30:29

1123, 6536, 5321

Shauk

my problem with the whole "someone new" aspect is even if you dont talk about your ex, you might think about her once in a while, and you might just be going through the motions with the new person telling yourself that "everything is fine" when it really isnt. which isn't fair to the new person at all

soma

I just tore up a picture of us I had on my desk. No regrets. I have to move on!

I also deleted all of the pictures on my cell and all that good stuff. I'm starting to feel.... ok for now. Although my mood has been swinging from highs to lows like crazy!

Last night I couldn't sleep and felt so sad and alone... But I think I'm getting better. I need to brag about my accomplishments here because I think it's like therapy.

Thanks guys.

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abaya

I'm with Shauk on this one. I didn't move on from my worst breakup to a new relationship until I knew that I had completely healed from the pain. I didn't want to get into something with someone else, while still thinking about the previous person... wouldn't seem fair at all. Well, it took me 4 years.

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And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

bobdog

Enjoy the depression, it won't last. Write a song or a poem. They are often their most moving when dragged out from a depressed soul.

Plan9

(hangs head in shame)

Man, this was me like three months ago.

...

You'll be okay, brother... Wild Turkey 101 cures all.

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Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

dirtyrascal7

It can be very tough to channel depression into something positive because, frankly, being depressed is very distracting.

Some people deal with breakups by trying to purge their world of memories and reminders, which I suppose can work... but I personally hate that idea. To me, doing that seems to undermine all the time and effort I put into the relationship. It's like all the sudden you're trying to erase part of your memory in order to get rid of the bad feelings, but you also lose the valuable lessons and all the good memories as well.

I say, embrace the pain. Some of the most intense moments of my life, where I've felt completely alive, have been those where I'm in excruciating agony and heartache. At the time it sucks and you just want it to end, but trust me... it's better than being completely numb and emotionless.

My suggestion -- find yourself a few songs that remind you of her or that you really connect with... turn out the lights and lay on the floor... turn up the volume... and just let your emotions flow. When you're done, turn the lights back on and look in the mirror. You're still here. You're still alive and healthy. Now, make a list of things that are most important to you, and focus on those things for the next few weeks. Really take the time to value them and appreciate them. It does help.

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"Tie yourself to your limitless potential, rather than your limiting past."

"Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that, I learn of him."

soma

Heh heh. thanks. It really helps to hear that other people have gone through the same thing. So sad that breakups are a fact of life.


dirtyrascal7: Yeah, channeling depression into something positive really doesn't make sense. Let me try to be more clear. Hrm... I think it's more of a "I'll show her" mentality. Is that healthy? I don't know. But it has been motivating the shit out of me to improve myself so I'm going to stick with it.

EDIT: one more thing. It has been really therapeutic to think of her as a good well meaning person. I know it sounds strange, but when I have bitter thoughts about her, I feel awfully hurt. But when I remind myself that she is a decent person, it's a like a big burden is lifted off my shoulders. When we were dating, we definitely had our problems, but she was a decent person and that hasn't changed. I'm depressed that our relationship is over, but that's just how things went. I guess.

I think this is similar to how people who hold grudges against others are going to be bitter and mad and just can't let go of all of the negative emotion. But people who can forgive move on and are much happier off. Even though forgiving seems like more of a compromise and bowing to the other person, it is really more beneficial than holding a grudge. cool!

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dirtyrascal7

Sure, that is definitely a highly effective form short-term motivation... but just know that it will be (and should be) only temporary. In the long run, you should focus on improving yourself because it is something that you value. That will bring you much greater satisfaction and you will be able to sustain your happiness regardless of external factors.

I believe there is some definite truth to what you're saying here. Thinking of her in a negative light might help you turn your back on her a little easier, but like I said earlier... I think it undermines all the time and energy you invested into the relationship. If you can think of her so negatively now, what were you doing with her for so long?

If you keep on the track that you are, you should be able to develop the necessary separation needed to move on and apply what you've learned. Keep us updated!

__________________
"Tie yourself to your limitless potential, rather than your limiting past."

"Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that, I learn of him."

soma

Exciting Updates:
Yesterday, I started working out with a friend. Feels great, really think I can commit to working out often enough to change my body or at least stay in good shape.

Carried that momentum to the night. Went partying, had a great time, met a girl, we went out a date today.

The date was ... not good not bad. I don't know. How do you know when to call a girl next and initiate another date?

also: I'm not completely over my ex and all of that heartbreak stuff. Meeting this girl definitely helps, but... i guess it's hard to move on. Me and my ex stay in contact and are on good terms, but i haven't told her i went out on this date.

So, i was thinking of leveraging this date to get back with my ex? Or is that crossing to heavily into doosh bag territory? I don't know. I already feel bad for dating this girl as sort of a ... replacement for my ex.

I know that my ex has already been chatting up this other guy and stuff, which is why i think it's best to completely move on . hrm... thoughts?

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Seer666

It's been almost a year sense things went tits up for me. It's the reason no one has heard much out of me for a long time. 12 years of friendship, a year of of much more then just friends, and then she decides she would rather whore herself out online to some fucktard that is to inept to meet a woman in real life. I still have days where I don't want to get out of bed. Forget your ex. As much as you can. Just, fucking walk on it. I honestly don't know what the situation was, but just walk. If she wants things to work out or what ever, sooner or later she'll come to you. But trust me dude, don't do this shit to yourself. Find something else to curl up with for a night or two, go to the target range, do something. But just forget her. If you keep pushing to get back, she'll view you as to pathetic to waste time on, or decide that it's fun fucking with your emotions, and use you anytime she is in a slump and needs to make herself feel better about whatever fucking issue she is having. Walk. Walk far, walk hard, and don't look back.

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Bad spellers of the world untie!!!

I am the one you warned me of

I seem to have misplaced the bullet with your name on it, but I have a whole box addressed to occupant.

LazyBoy

If I knew what to do, I'd tell you....apparently what I did didn't work

-Will

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Life is nothing, everything.....and something in between...

Hyacinthe

My friends and I used to do the big ceremony after a break up - you bring everything the person ever left at your house (after checking they don't want it ofcourse) then any letters, photoes etc etc - dump it all in a metal bin and set it alight.

This ceremony is accompanied by much drinking, laughter and talking about the guy / girls sexual prowess.

This is then followed by a haircut the next day and shopping trip, then a trip in a new sexy outfit and perfect hair / makeup to return the stuff the SO did want back.

Yes it's petty and childish but it sure as hell made us all feel better.

Your idea sounds like the mature way to handle it though.

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"I want to be remembered as the girl who always smiles even when her heart is broken... and the one that could brighten up your day even if she couldnt brighten her own"

"Her emotions were clear waters. You could see the scarring and pockmarks at the bottom of the pool, but it was just a part of her landscape – the consequences of others’ actions in which she claimed no part."

Martian

No! Bad! Don't make me get the rolled up newspaper...

Your ex is gone. Your relationship with her is gone. That is all in the past and you can never have it again. It sucks. It hurts. You maybe feel like nobody could possibly understand. Sure break-ups happen all the time, but this was different, she was special...

I've been there. Shit, so have all of us. And the pain will not get better until you learn to be okay with the fact that what you had is gone forever. Then and only then will you be ready to move on with your life.

Your ex will do what she will. Pay no attention to it. It's up to her to deal with this as she sees fit, just as it's up to you to make the best choice for yourself. I would very strongly recommend not having any further contact with her. If you feel the need to explain to her, just tell her that you need to get your head on straight and need some time away from her to do so. If, IF, you want to have a friendship with her in the future (and that is all you will ever have, if even that much, so get any other thoughts out of your head right here and now), it will be essential for you to get some distance from her in order to get your feelings for her under control first.

I would strongly suggest not having any further involvement with the new girl either, because there's a very high probability that you'll end up causing her pain and I'm guessing she doesn't deserve that. On that score, however, you just have to judge for yourself.

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I wake up in the morning more tired than before I slept
I get through cryin' and I'm sadder than before I wept
I get through thinkin' now, and the thoughts have left my head
I get through speakin' and I can't remember, not a word that I said

- Ben Harper, Show Me A Little Shame

Chiyachan

Just go play violent shoot-them-ups...
TFP even has a Team Fortress 2 server for you to get on.
It takes your mind off anything else. You dedicate yourself to the team and the objective.
I do it all the time when upset about anything.

JustJess

Just so you know... this is YOUR "getting over her" thread. So attempting to get back with her? NOT GOING TO HELP.

If this is going to work out in the future, it will only be because you kept your self intact now. Right now, go do something for YOU. I reeeeeaaally hate to say this, but... women are not usually attracted to those they can walk all over, and if they are, that's even more reason to run.

Keep your head high. You're getting OVER her, not back together.

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My heart knows me better than I know myself, so I'm gonna let it do all the talkin'.

soma

Hate to say it? Well, it helps... Oi. I think I've been acting too much like the guy she can walk all over. You're definitely right about this and how unattractive it is.

Ok, but the biggest issue for getting her out of my mind was that she was a dead 10. I mean she was really really really hot. And as a young guy, I'm having difficulty not thinking about her. Any tips here? I'm watching the porno and stuff, but that doesn't always cut it.

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Seer666

Stop thinking about how she looks, and think about how she acts. And not in bed. just as a human being. Sounds to me like she's a pretty shitty one. Looks make up the smallest part of a person. And it sounds like she's lacking in all the others.

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Bad spellers of the world untie!!!

I am the one you warned me of

I seem to have misplaced the bullet with your name on it, but I have a whole box addressed to occupant.

Ustwo

Time or new pussy.

Time works but its a long and annoying until you get there.

New pussy and its gone pretty much in a week

And I say new pussy not to be crude, but to be blunt. Its not a new girlfriend that will help, its new sex. Sex is what its all about and having someone new to have sex with makes the old person less important pretty much instantly.

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Agents of the enemies who hold office in our own government, who attempt to eliminate our "freedoms" and our "right to know" are posting among us, I fear.....on this very forum. - host

Obama - Know a Man by the friends he keeps.

dirtyrascal7

I always find it amazing that people (myself included) make incredible exceptions or excuses for attractive people with personality flaws. It seems very rare that we do this the other way around for less attractive people with outstanding personalities.

Just remember that everyone ages, and she won't always look this hot. Be glad you were with her at her peak, and try to use that for confidence moving forward... the whole "I've been with girls hotter than you" mentality is pretty powerful stuff.

And I really don't believe you need to totally erase your mind of her and stop thinking about her altogether. You just need to realize and accept that she is part of your past, not part of your present or future... except perhaps in your sexual fantasies. lol

__________________
"Tie yourself to your limitless potential, rather than your limiting past."

"Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that, I learn of him."

abaya

Yeah, just so you get the idea, I'm gonna echo Jess here... it's effing pathetic when guys act like that (and girls, I would imagine, if the roles are reversed) after a breakup. There's nothing LESS attractive than that whimpering kicked-puppy-dog behavior... it's repulsive, and makes you lose any remaining respect you had for the person when you were dating them.

Best thing is to walk away, head held high, and move on... even if you feel like TOTAL SHIT inside. There is no better payback, seriously.

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

soma

I think the new pussy route is the way to go. Seems to make sense too.

so mini update. continued going to the gym and i have to say, going there is the BIGGEST natural confidence booster I've ever tried. I highly recommend it for those of you who are feeling shitty like I did.

Also, just when I think I have gotten my ex out of my mind, I had a very vivid sexual dream about her last night. damn.

anyway, things are moving on nicely, me and the new girl had lunch again and we're going to do something more official some time this week or weekend. Exciting stuff!
----------------------

dirtyrascal7: yeah, she is hot, but has many character flaws. I could make a whole thread about it... edit: I'm definitely a sucker for a pretty girl :S

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xxxafterglow

Hey Soma, good to hear you're doing better.
I disagree with dirtyrascal's EMO(tional) advice (sorry man) and you're proving that throwing yourself into something positive has really worked for you! In all fairness, I think dirty was trying to say you need to go through the grieving process to move on but you've managed to do that without totally wallowing in the pain. Props dude, way to multi-task!

Anyway, a round of applause for moving on from your first relationship. Nicely done.

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Uh huh her.

soma

Thank you xxxafterglow.
No updates now. School is keeping me busy as hell.

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dirtyrascal7

At first when I read this I was ready to get all defensive, but then I went back and read my initial advice... haha, yeah... I was in a strange mood that day. I'm usually much more reasonable.

I still don't like the idea of trying to completely forget... but it is necessary to distance yourself from the situation and memories. Distractions are a great ally in this process, as soma has clearly discovered. Good to hear you're overly busy! Keep it up!

__________________
"Tie yourself to your limitless potential, rather than your limiting past."

"Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that, I learn of him."

analog

Hate her. Hate her in every way you can. Think of every shitty thing you can, about her, and get good and angry. Pissed off. Hate her guts.

Then, when you realize you still really like her and can't hate her, the feelings will all rush back. Write about it, talk about it, jot down cheesy emo poems on paper and then crumple or tear them up in anger.

Go do some things that make you happy, some guilty pleasures, comfort foods, video games, however you unwind. Whatever you do, don't give in to any temptations to call her, text her, IM her, fox her, or send a carrier pigeon to get in touch.

evilbeefchan

Pretty much what everyone else has said, cut off all ties, hang out with your buddies. Channel the energy into working out (worked for me, went from 237 to 190 PLUS cleared up my cholesterol and fatty liver). Have a bonfire where you and your buddies burn all of your old pictures, love letters, etc (if you haven't already). Be social. Don't just limit yourself to a few girls, whip that smile to ALL of them. Work out some more. Work hard, save money and splurge on yourself. Remember, they love it when you hurt yourself over them. Improving yourself is the meanest thing you can do in return.

soma

Wow, good for you. Funny how a breakup can really put you into fucking overdrive!

It's also funny how I'm following all of your advice already. Definitely working out hard (was out till 3 last night, woke up and worked out at 7). I did my taxes right before my extension and some money has been rolling in. It was also my birthday in october so I have some money there too. 0 credit card debt as of this morning and hell yeah I'm gonna splurge. I found the perfect fitting jeans at target (yeah I know...). Gonna buy like 3 pairs today after work.

Yeah, I'm definitely being more social and also building waaaaaay better friendships with my guy friends. It's a wonder how little time I spent with them when I was dating my ex. There still is a feeling of something missing, but I guess that'll heal with time.

That's definitely true. And it goes both ways. I know she's doing everything to pretty herself up and it's working. haircut, clothes, ditching glasses for contacts, the whole deal. Sigh... Oh well. I think I'm doing pretty good for myself too though.

miniUpdate: so today was probably the last time I'll see her in person for a while. Had to drop some stuff off. Still stings to see how little she feels for me, but I didn't act like a sad little bitch. It was like a business transaction. hehe.

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Ustwo

They say married men live longer but I have to wonder.

Every guy I know who got a divorce seemed to rediscover the gym that same week and is in better shape than they had been in for 10 years.

Mmmm maybe thats the motivation I need.......nah.

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Agents of the enemies who hold office in our own government, who attempt to eliminate our "freedoms" and our "right to know" are posting among us, I fear.....on this very forum. - host

Obama - Know a Man by the friends he keeps.

soma

Oi.
Oi.

I found out she's seeing someone else now. Ow...
Shit. I'm feeling really edgy right now..

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Ustwo

Did I stutter or something when I said to find new pussy?

Get going, its the weekend, find it now.

__________________
Agents of the enemies who hold office in our own government, who attempt to eliminate our "freedoms" and our "right to know" are posting among us, I fear.....on this very forum. - host

Obama - Know a Man by the friends he keeps.

xxxafterglow

Don't worry soma, it's probably just rebound. Don't take it personally. Your ex's "shutdown" personality is just how she's coping with the breakup, don't let it get to you.

You're doing really well!

Go work those sexy jeans, boy!!!! Nothing finer than a nicely-wrapped package and an ass that won't quit!

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Uh huh her.